Sunday, October 18, 2009

The Horror Hangover

This weeks Horror Hangover is brought to you by corn apparently, and you shouldn't have too much trouble figuring out why soon enough.

SyFy steps up to the horror plate once again with Children of the Corn IV: The Gathering (1996) at 11:00 AM. This fourth film in the Corn series stars Karen Black and a pre-famous Naomi that could prove interesting. I haven't watched any Corn movie after the original, which I can barely remember to be honest...but at least Black and Watts have something to bring to the table. Hopefully it's turkey to go with that corn! AHHHH!

At noontime, and keeping with the celebration that is known as Chucktober, Return to Halloweentown (2006) will be on the Disney channel. It's the fourth film in the popular Halloweentown series and has something to do with teens going to witch college? I'm not asking you which college, I'm telling you that they're going to witch college silly head! Cause I am a super Halloween dork, I will put stuff like Halloweentown on and watch it for a little bit...that is, until Lady Suzaka decides to call me a little girl. She's a hater.

The Corn keeps-a-coming at 1:00 PM when Children of the Corn V: Fields of Terror (1998) shows guessed it, SyFy! This one has a very interesting cast with a pre-female Alexis Arquette, Kane Hodder, one of those douchbag Zappa kids, Fred "The Hammer" Williamson, the yummy Eva Mendes, and the late great David Carradine! That cast is enough alone to generate a little interest in the movie...a little. I'm sure there's some undigested Corn in there too.

More Halloween spooky fun comes to us from the Travel Channel at 2:00 PM with, Mysterious Journeys: The Ghosts of Gettysburg! Gettysburg, PA is known to be one of the most haunted locations in all of America, and nothing says Halloween quite like some real life apparitions and specters!

If you'’re too skerred for real ghosts, then you can just keep on enjoying the Corniest marathon in SyFy history! Children of the Corn 666: Isaac's Return (1999) - returns at 3:00 PM and promises more scares that you could've ever expected to have on a Sunday afternoon spent on your couch holding back vomit! Besides being the number of the beast, this sixth installment marks the return of that creepy as shit John Franklin, who played Isaac in the original Children of the Corn...I know you wanna watch now, how can you miss the return of Isaac?!

My pick for this fine and frightening Sunday afternoon goes not to a movie, but instead, I'm taking you back to the Travel Channel for another episode of Mysterious Journeys: The Witches of Salem at 3:00 PM! The true accounts of the 1692 Salem, Mass. witch trials should be more than fulfilling for your Halloween horror needs, and what better way to spend an afternoon, than with a bunch of witches?! Hold on, I may have an answer to that...

You could turn that afternoon into a dinner date with Children of the Corn: Revelation (2001) at 5:00 on...uhm, SyFy! I wouldn't normally go this late into the day as it is past the hangover window, but how can I leave out the seventh installment of this frighteningly husky series, that is guaranteed to leave your ears deaf from all the screaming! Michael Ironside is in it, and Michael Ironside is awesome, so that may be enough to give this one a whirl. Or not.

Have a great afternoon, drunkards! And non-drunkards, of course!


  1. Matt, I'm currently suffering through the remake of Children of the Corn and let me tell you, it's a real piece of shit! Still, I have an urge to catch up on some of the dumb-ass CotC sequels as I stopped watching the series with Part IV.

  2. What's up with all the COTC sequels? Is there that much money being thrown around in Hollyweird? Damn, I am going to bang out a COTC script before I finish my my cup of coffee - Children of the Corn - A Harvest of Mediocrity.

  3. there are 7 Children of the Corn movies? good grief.

    that said like you i barely remember the 1st one. maybe i'll just rent that.

  4. Jeff: That remake came from out of nowhere, and I'm not surprised it's terrible! I think there is still another CotC remake in the future from what I know of....though I could be wrong. Either way, you made it much further into the series than I did!

    Pax: I'm gonna write one called...Children of the Corn - Corn Hole. It will be a porn riff on CotC!

    Pax and Wiec?: How there are more than 3 Corn movies is beyond me...even Candyman and Pumpkinhead don't have as many sequels! Maybe Hellraiser, but that's about it! I'll pop in and out of them throughout the day, but my hopes aren't very high for seeing anything good. Plus, I did just pick up the original for like $ I'll just watch that one too.

  5. Now Matt, you realize watching CotC 7 is only going to cause people to drink again..

  6. "this sixth installment marks the return of that creepy as shit John Franklin"


    Man, I knew I should've watched this one! I was too busy knitting and catching up on Glee. No, I'm not joking, I knit!

    His fall from grace in the original is now a thing of laughs. He was like the littlest kid in school with a power complex.

    Tweet me a heads up when you find Dracula 2: Ascension on your hangover radar. I got it bad for Diane Neal...

  7. Carl: That is the best way to cure a hangover, right?!

    Ashlee: Knitting is cool with me...could you possibly knit me a baby bib? A bib for eating babies that is!

    And that Franklin dude...he is such a creepaziod! He's like a male version of Zelda Rubinstein (but not awesome!)!

    I will let you know if D2:A shows up on the Hangover...if it's the one where they're in the warehouse, then I have seen it before. And Diane's last name leaves a lot of room for inappropriate jokes!

  8. I'm like LensCrafters: I can knit a bib in an hour.

    "And that Franklin dude...he is such a creepaziod! He's like a male version of Zelda Rubinstein (but not awesome!)!"

    LOL! Too true! I'm pretty sure she really is magical. At the very least, they should make the remake somewhat appealing by putting her in it.

    Thanks, thanks a lot for the "Neal" joke :P Like my perv-o-meter couldn't get any higher.


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