Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Funny Twilight Title

twilight3 Very recently, I was lucky enough to finally sit down and watch one of cinema's most provocative and discussed films, Twilight. It's almost weird even typing the name, as I would never have expected to watch and review this movie, let alone do so with a sort of high anticipation. Let me explain: I remember this one day I was at my old job, and everyone was telling me about this disgusting online video that was sure to make me hold back a drop or two of vomit. Some were saying that I just had to see this video, while others warned me, saying it is so gross, and not to put myself through the horrid imagery. Curiosity killed the Matt, and I went straight home and watched 2 Girls 1 Cup, and forever will I think differently about soft serve.

What I'm trying to get at here, is no matter how much I was warned about just how nasty this video was, I had to see it for myself. That is kind of the same thing that happened with me having to watch Twilight. Part of me was willing to put my taste at risk, to see something that I knew would be just plain awful. But just how awful could it be? That's the draw. I heard every complaint about Twilight more times than I would care to, but that may have just added a little fuel to the fire, making me want to see the movie even more.

twilight4Now, I have more than once expressed my love for bad cinema. While I am constantly on the hunt to expand my celluloid horizons by watching all types of film, and as much as I love a Harold and Maude, or a Rashômon, I twilight5almost equally love something like The Room, or Trick or Treat. At times, my bad taste even extends to a certain enjoyment of films that are pretty much terrible. I can find something about them that keeps me watching and interested. I actually thought that Twilight might be that movie in the dark moments leading up to my maiden voyage, however, I was quite wrong.

Strangely, I am really wanting to see New Moon and eventually Eclipse, because I have to see just how bad it can all get. While I can find great joy in laughing at a movie that has me scoffing about terrible performances, moronic puke faces, terrible cinematography and awful music, I didn't find much joy in Twilight. I should love this film for how terrible it is, but it is just that horrendous that it cannot even find appreciation from someone who might possibly give it some. I don't even care about the bastardization of vampire mythology, I am someone that really knows the mythology quite well, but it still doesn't bother me all that much. Let them have their vampires be as girly as they want, it makes for a great laugh and it doesn't change the mythology outside of the Twilight tweeniverse.

twilight1What does bother me most is that some people really do think that Twilight is a great movie. Twilight is flat out insulting to the intelligence of the general public, but not that insulting if they eat it up with a glazed look in their eyes and a smile. Now, if you're a 16-year-old chick/dude with a taste for eyeliner, I have no issue with you liking it. It's made for you. Actually, I have no issue with an adult liking it, so long as they can at least admit that it's not a good film. There is such thing as a guilty pleasure, I have many, and guilty pleasure grants a very free and open pass to like garbage. I, shamefully, love Dawson's Creek. I didn't always love that awful show, in fact, I thought it was completely moronic and talked all sorts of shit about it. Then, thanks to syndication, one late night I got roped in well after the show had gone off the air, and born was a very guilty pleasure and a life choice…Dawson or Pacey.

twilightI could have gone 900 different ways with this review, and there are 900 different things to say about this film, which is funny, because nothing even happens until the last 45 minutes? But Twilight has been torn apart by so many in so many different ways that I need not tread the details. It's way too easy. Though, a caption post would have been great, or even one about the epic Kristen Stewart hospital performance that was recently recreated by Mindy McCready on Celebrity Rehab. Maybe now that I have seen Twilight, I can talk about it and mention how bad it blows, but realistically, I couldn't care less when it comes down to it. In the end, the only things I got out of watching Twilight are the fact that I conquered one of the most infamous films ever made, and that girls really shouldn't shop at Eddie Bauer.


  1. Seriously the best Twilight post I have ever read. You never cease to amaze me with your open mindedness and balanced opinions... all with a 2 girls 1 cup lead in.
    I plan on reading the book, so I am holding off on watching it. But you confirmed all of my thoughts/fears/expectations.
    In closing, you are a gentlemen and a scholar. And the clear choice is Dawson.

  2. You are too kind, Christine!!!

    I've heard the books are extremely poor in almost every way, so you may be in for a painful ride, but I would be curious to hear what you have to say about them. But do so quickly so you can see the film...it is pretty amazing in how terrible it actually is!

    And of course it's Dawson. Pacey was a back stabbing punk ass with a lame goatee!

  3. Great review, Matt. As someone who also indulged in a little Twilight shame recently (just to see what all the fuss was about, of course) I agree with what you've said.

    But you've failed to answer the burning question, dude - Team Edward or Jacob!!?? *sighs dreamily*

  4. It's still in my queue. Somewhere. I figure I'll give it a fair shot before denouncing it. If I do...

  5. James: Thanks James, and I would still have to go with team Dawson with that one! Though, I did like the Indian dude in the wheelchair...he made me think of Creepshow 2!

    Ashlee: Yeah, I ended up bumping it to the top so I could get it over with, plus, as I said, I was very curious as to how the film would be.

  6. Still haven't seen it and have no desire to. I will take everyone's word for it. Actually I did watch the first 15 or 20 minutes of TWILIGHT, but it was at work and a co-worker was watching it streaming on the internet (promise!), and that 15-20 minutes was enough. I'm one of the people who understands that these movies are made for teenage girls, which is why I don't watch them and EXPECT anything from them. But at the same time I do find TWILIGHT-bashing to be very entertaining...

  7. Yeah, people get their undies in a bunch, not even taking into consideration that the movies aren't made for horror fans. Sure, there are "vampires," but they are just used as a plot device for a lame attempt at creating danger for the girl.

  8. I had to sit beside myself in order to try to rate and review these films. As teen romance flicks with horror elements, I still say they are shot and acted better than most of the pukey dribble out there, and I cant say I wasnt mildly entertained. New Moon actually ramps up the action and is more than enough masturbatory material for the 13 year old girl in all of us. For the intended audience, I think they churned out perfect money makers, but definitely not perfect films

  9. The films are certainly made for a specific audience, and audience that gets their hands on the dough to spend on these films, making them successful. I think 90% of the anger towards the Twilight is that they are as popular as they are, while great cinema is often overlooked by the mainstream audience. You have to look at who most of the people are that are seeing the films, little girls, and when it comes down to it, that is the biggest audience there is. Look at shitty boy bands as proof.

  10. I just hate it when people compare this to LOST BOYS!

  11. I love you Matt.

    As someone who works in an office filled with women from 19-44 with Team Edward screensavers, I pretty much just nodded throughout this post. The films are just dull. Dull dull dull. And really terrible examples of how a modern young woman should act.

    I can't speak for Eclipse, but if you thought nothing happens in Twilight, just wait til you get to New Moon. I hesitantly look forward to it.

  12. Aaron: I know, and it happens quite a bit too. At the time it came out, Lost Boys was directed at a teen audience, but that teen audience listened to fucking metal! Not even close to the same audience.

    Emily: Aww, you just made me sparkle!

    Yeah, women should just be in complete love with a guy that does nothing but hurt her. It certainly is a poor example for young girls who already have enough pressure with insecurities.

    I also do find it completely insane how middle age women drooled over the wolf kid, who was only 15 or 16 at the time New Moon came out. I couldn't imagine a man speaking the same way about a girl that age and in such a forward way at that. Wait till they're 18, like the third leggers did with the Olsens!

  13. I gotta say, I love the soundtracks for Twilight and New Moon. I was happy they didn't choose mainstream stuff.

  14. That hospital scene is so fucking funny.

  15. Angie: I can't even remember the music specifically outside of it being the type of music that doesn't fit in well with movies. Even teen geared ones. I am only really aware of Muse and of course Perry Farrell, but I am old like Yoda!

    Simon: No shit...it's the perfect way to cap off the film.


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