Snowbeast: Fur is so 1980

Deep in the frigid mountains of Colorado, the proprietors of the Rill Lodge Ski Resort have come under attack by a creature so vicious, even John Denver's succulent voice cannot stop it. A monster that feels not the pain of the winter's biter cold as it is driven by a thirst for blood that can only be quenched by that of yuppie skiers decked out in Fluoro ski suits. Many have heard of Bigfoot, Yeti, the Abominable Snowman, but they all fail in comparison and can do nothing more than bow down before the ultimate elemental survivor, the Snowbeast! What's the difference between all of these creatures? Actually, outside of coat color, I don't think there really is, but the name Snowbeast does have a badass ring to it, now doesn't it?  One thing I am sure of is, things are about to get rocky up in these here mountains. 

This 1977 made for television horror film uses the often imitated Jaws formula but does add a whole lot of skiing to the mix. Not water skiing, mind you…that was in Jaws. I mean real skiing. Not that water skiing isn't real skiing or anything, I just mean the kind of skiing that is done on slopes that are made of compacted snow and ice. I would hate to insult my waterskiing readership in any way. Anyways, it's the 50th Annual Winter Carnival at the Rill Lodge and Ski Resort and a record turnout is expected for this festival of fun in the clouded sun. Things are going just peachy, that is, until two girls are attacked by a SNOWBEATS (sorry, I'm so pumped I can't even seem to spell it right!)! One of the girls gets away, which is hysterical because without even a hint of hesitation, she takes the fuck off at the first sound of this mythic creature, leaving her so called friend behind to get her ass eaten up.

Now, this poses a serious problem. You see, generally when people are killed by Snowbeasts, winter carnivals are cancelled, right? Wrong. Don't forget, this is the 50th winter carnival and there is no way in hell some Snowbeast is going to stop such a joyous event. It's the 50th, man! That shit only comes around every few years, so there is no chance that it can just be cancelled due to some human hungry creature - with an incredible fur coat - ripping skiers to shreds. The resort's owner, Carrie Rill (Sylvia Sidney), convinces her grandson and resort manager, Tony (Robert Logan), that if they just tape off the area where the Snowbeast attacked and possibly may have KILLED the girl, all would be just fine. Tony begrudgingly goes along with it because it is his grandmother's place, and who knows…maybe the MURDER is just a fluke. Nothing to worry about at all.

While all of this nasty Snowbeast nonsense is happening, one of Tony's old friends, Gar (Bo Svenson) and his wife Ellen (Yvette Mimieux), show up in the hopes that Gar can find work at the resort. Gar - an Olympic ski champion, not the guy from Mask - has fallen on hard times, but thankfully for him, Tony's got a spot for him and apparently, Ellen has a spot for Tony. A hot spot, if you will. You see, at one time Tony and Ellen were a thing, but life happens, they separated ways and Ellen went off and married Gar. Now it seems very clear that Ellen is ready for a little ride down Tony's ski pole, but Tony avoids the advances, and I think I know why…

See, Tony and Gar share a whole lot of one-on-one time together in Snowbeast. Enjoying meals together, swimming in hot springs together (in their underwear, naturally), lounging around in bathrobes together and had it not been a made for TV affair, I'm sure they would have tried to make cute little snow resort babies together too. It was the track in which they were on, there is no denying the signs.   

 

 

 

 

 

 

The only thing that can keep these two man thirsty bears focused on something outside of each other is hunting down a massive, hairy, powerful monster with big feet that would love nothing more than to eat them right up. Oh, my. These mountains are vastly rockier than I would have expected. Yeah, that's three Rocky Mountain High joke attempts. What of it?

Snowbeast came out in 1977, and with that comes a nice retro aesthetic filled with stylish ski clothing, some great hair and a ski lodge that is to die for. And I am a sucker for 70s fashion and décor, so Snowbeast gets a few easy points right there. However, much like many films from the time, Snowbeast moves pretty slowly overall, with multiple scenes where you simply just watch assorted characters skiing for what seems like days on end. Granted, the skiing is actually nicely shot, but a solo-search scene via skis that lasts for a good five minutes is a bit much to ask of from an audience. Skiing is great to watch and all, but I'd prefer a little more Snowbeast in my Snowbeast.

As I mentioned beforehand, Snowbeast is essentially a Jaws rip-off, so with that comes the less you see, the scarier it is approach. I'm not too sure that director Herb Wallerstein was able to obtain that less is more quite like the classic killer shark film. What worked in Jaws was how perfect the tension was built, but also the characters and their interactions with one another were all more than enough to keep most people on that hook during the non-shark moments. Nevertheless, when on screen, the Snowbeast looks cool enough, and I love me a good old cheap claw attack here and there if not for how silly it is. There are a few decent pay off scenes, one in particular being when the titular creature attacks the snow queen ceremony, as well as a decent little cabin attack. 

It's a made for TV movie from the 70s, so it's pretty much what you would expect, I suppose. It's not too violent, not too scary and not all too good but it isn't terrible either. It works as a nice little winter horror film that makes for a perfect background watch while you're doing something else. Like skiing.

The Hunky Action Hangover

Eh, it does have a nice ring to it but the only reason for this one time name change is the fact that the only two movies worth a damn on cable television today come in the form of hunky action stars in their respective hunky action roles. Hunky being subjective, I would assume, specifically with the first film on todays hangover, which comes to us in the form of the Sly Stallone actioner, Cliffhanger, playing on AMC at 10:00. I have never had the chance to catch up with Cliffhanger and for no other reason than I just haven't. I have, however, seen Oscar. In the theaters. I am slightly ashamed of all that I have confessed to today. Please, forgive me.



One film that I have seen, and many time, is our next and finale movie of this wicked short hangover, and that would be Road House, showing at 3:00 on VH1. Now, when you think action hunks, it get no hunkier - and more homoerotic - than one Pat Swayze in his ballet inspired martial arts prime. Mix that in with a little fatherly figure love from Sam Elliott, a monster truck, a handful of great barroom brawls, a hot blonde doctor and a whole lot of olive oil, and you have yourself the perfect movie to help with that vicious hangover.


That is all for today…until next time, my dear friend. Until next time.

A Gentlemanly Introduction to A Friend of Ours

There's a new kid on the blogosphere block and while there are already way too many to follow as it is, this times things are a little different. The blog in question is titled The Gentlemen's Blog to Midnite Cinema, and is in conjunction with one of the planet's finest genre podcasts, The Gentlemen's Guide to Midnite Cinema. If you aren't already aware of this podcast, then you are missing out on what is one of the finest and most versatile film podcasts out there, covering a vast array of the cinema that we all love dearly. The two main hosts, Willy and Samurai, are deeply knowledgeable film fans, and their sense of humor has a way of causing infectious giggle fits at any given moment.

So this new site will be, in essence, an extension of the show itself. It has been spearheaded by the hardest working man in genre blogging, Aaron of The Death Rattle, and there are a slew of other wonderful contributors that are sure to tickle your pickle with interest. T.L. Bugg of The Lightning Bug's Lair, Emily from The Deadly Doll's House of Horror Nonsense, as well as part time GGtMC guest hosts, Rupert Pupkin of Rupert Pupkin Speaks and Pickleloaf from Assorted Loaf, just to name a few. Also, I would be remised if I did not mention that the amazing and adorable Matt-suzaka of Chuck Norris Ate My Baby will also be contributing from time to time. Oh, wait, that's me!

So I urge you all to stop by The Gentlemen's Blog to Midnite Cinema, become a follower and just watch as all your dreams slowly begin to come true. Do it for America!

Jean-Claude's Friday Night Dance Party Part 3!: Drunken Boxing Edition!

This Muscles from Brussels is truly marking his territory here at CNAMB, and now with his third time tearing it up on the dance floor, Jean-Claude Van Damme has had the most dance party appearances outside of Freddy Krueger. I'm sure that makes him enormously proud. But what he should really be proud of is his ability to tantalize us all with every move he makes, and no, this clip is not quite as infectious and move groovy as My Name is Jean Claude Van Damme - I will Dance For You, but shit will really put you in the mood to let loose. 

This clip comes from the Van Damme 1989 martial arts classic, Kickboxer, and really shows what an imposing force JCVD is when he gets in a groove. He just gets up there and swings his dick around for a minute and next thing you know, dude has two girls under his spell. And heck, how can these ladies resist? I mean, it must be very difficult to fight off the urge to rock it with JCVD when he is adorned with some fabulously fitted khakis, matched with some sort of onesie that looks to have buckles on it. There is no saying no to that, it is what it is, and to fight it is to fight yourself.    

It's no wonder the locals are so quick to brawl with Jean-Claude in what is one of the greatest scenes in all of cinema. Guy came in, looked better than everyone else, danced like Denny Terrio wishes he could, takes all the bitches and then proceeds to rape the floor and shake his butt cheeks like it's no ones business. It was only a matter of time before the male patrons of the finest establishment in Thailand take shots at this khakied dance machine. The fight scene is nothing short of spectacular as Claude Van pulls off his signature moves perfectly, only to finish them with a little sway to show that he is indeed drunk. My personal favorite - the no look, behind the back head butt, only to be one upped slightly by the perfectly placed splits-kick-to-double head-split. Lights out, bitches. 

Freddy's Friday Night Dance Party! Rambada: The Forbidden Dance Edition!

I have thrown quite a few of these whacky and wild Dance Parties now, and even though I've had this clip in the vault for sometime, I still find myself speechless, which is a first. It's just too much to take in for even a human as advanced as I, and it won't take you long to figure out why.

If you can't handle the entire clip due to a heart condition or you are easily turned on by sassy Spanish men, dressed up like Rambo, sexing up the screen, then please make sure to skip to 2:30. That is the moment when I am nothing short of destroyed and nothing can bring me back. The grandma hug-to-work out montage-to-sexy explosion starting at 3:15 just makes things worse.

Please, enjoy. 

What'd I tell ya? You probably need a Pepsi now to quench your thirst, but the thirst left by sweaty Spanish Rambo cannot be quenched that easily. To close the wound opened by this video, you need to burn it with some gun powder mixed with cobra spit and mango salsa.  

I did actually try and look for some info on this dude and this song, but I had to stop only after a few minutes. I think it would be a bad idea to take away from the mystique of this fabulous video, as in my mind, there really is a singing dancing Spanish Rambo that walks the streets spreading joy from his being and sweat from his follicles. Bless you Spanish Rambo, for you have blessed me with gold.

Denim Demigod

Ever wonder how Chuck Norris is able to throw down dope kicks to foolish suckers while wearing jeans tighter than a Chinese foot binding? It wasn't always easy for the blonde black belt, and for many horrendous years, Chuck suffered from embarrassing crotch rips, shortened kicks and a lack of confidence. Not to be one to take that crap lying down, on a bed of nails, Norris took matters into his own beard and created Action Jeans.

Chuck Norris Action Jeans, made for a man, by a man, these multipurpose Karate-kick jeans are each individually handcrafted by forging steel, human dreams, and a chest hair from Chuck himself, in every pair. As you can see from these lovely adverts, Chuck got his swagger back, he became one with his jean and this gave him the opportunity to create the Norris look, which consisted of bad ass, a form of facial hair, cowboy boots (made of human skin, naturally) and of course, a size too small pair of Action Jeans.     

  

This next one should just probably say: If you have a huge cock, like Chuck Norris, go with the Action Designer jeans! Look at his smile (and the close-up cock shot) and you know it's true.

Arnold's Friday Night Dance Party!

Hey hoes, it be a late night dance party tonight, as I spent much of the day busy at the gym, working on my bod, getting it primed for tonight's special edition of Freddy's Friday Night Dance Party. I need to be as tight as possible, or the baby oil just won't look right, plus, the stronger I am, the harder I can push myself to keep the darkness illuminated with intense trails from my glow sticks. So I hope you came prepared with a solid tan, deep cuts, massive bulges and a bottle of Nair, because tonight, it's an all-nighter with the one and only, Arnold Schwarzenegger!

What is there really to say about this clip that isn't said all on it's own? The song is fantastic and really gets my blood pumping, and I find it supremely difficult to look away as each move Julius Benedict makes, is one of style and intense dedication to the dance. If being 'Born to be Alive' is a metaphor for falling into a dance trance with nothing but you and your glow sticks, then consider me born like Jason. There should be a dance-off between Arnold's rave dance and Jean-Claude's onsie dance scene from Breakin' for homoerotic supremacy. The winner gets both the glow sticks and the onsie, but more importantly, street cred. Oh, and an Applebee's gift certificate worth $15.

The Horror Hangover

Another day, another hangover, but thankfully, there are quite a few films for you to drool through today, so your hangover won't be relegated to just infomercials about little wieners and badass food processors. Not that every single one of these films are much better than infomercials or a QVC sweater blowout, but there still be some gold in these here hangover hills, and I shall be your guide for this, The Horror Hangover.

AMC starts our day off with a Governor, a director with a god complex, a super flat butt and the guy that banged Rosanne. Of course, I'm talking about True Lies (1994), which is playing at 10:30.

1:00 gives us all the gift of Boogeyman (2005), followed by Boogeyman 2 (2007) at 1:00, and we can thank SyFy for this one. I've never seen but have only heard very bad things about Boogeyman, and I only can assume that would be the same case for it's sequel. Boogeyman…why can't I keep the thought out of my head that this film would be better served if the main antagonist were just some dude who picked his nose, then ran after people trying to wipe it on them? Now that would be scary. Boogers are frightening on their own, but put them on a fingertip that is hot on your tail, and you got the stuff nightmares are made of. It'snot how I would want to go out, that's for sure.

11:30 comes and goes with Assault on Precinct 13 (2005) on FX. It's not a horrible remake, but certainly the definition of an unnecessary one. It does make for a good hangover movie though, as you won't feel bad taking puke breaks during the movie and possibly missing something.

I must admit, nothing else in today's hangover matters, and all of it was only leading up to the double-decker of oily badass that AMC has starting at 1:00 with First Blood (1982) followed by First Blood Part II (1985) at 3:00. Seriously, I love First Blood, like a wicked lot, and you should too. To show my love, I have provided this photo, which is actually directly to the right of my computer desk and contains the lamp I bought for $2 and Rambo killing mother-fuckers.

Oh, and make sure to watch this teaser. It's so tough, you have to watch it shirtless with a stick of butter rubbed on your chest.

Double pick of the week.

Ugh, why go on after First Blood? Well, SyFy gives us something that might be worth a view with Carny (2009) at 3:00. Clearly, it's set in a carnival, it star's LDP and it actually looks like it might be kind of fun based off this trailer. Carny is also on Netflix instant and is already on my queue, so if I don't watch it today, I may give it a whirl soon. Hay, who knows, it could be good, or it could be Carny! Yup, I did it.

And ending the hangover as far away from Rambo as you can get, we are once again put under the spell of The Craft (1996) at 4:00 on E! I'll save the First Blood and period comparison jokes for some other time…the whole booger thing was enough nasty for one Sunday.

Before I go away and stop alienating you all, I want to congratulate good friend to CNAMB and myself, Cortez the Killer and his new wife, Jennifer. The two of them were wed yesterday, so I can only imagine the hangover that is being had by many that attended the festivities. Good luck kiddies, and Chuck wants you to start working on kids asap!

T.K. Oh Snap!

I feel like this video is everything that CNAMB strives to be in so many ways.

Jean-Claude’s Friday Night Dance Party!

With it being Valentine’s Day weekend, I thought I would give you all a Valentine to show how much I love you. This may be one of the most mesmerizing clips I have ever seen and chances are, you will have this catchy tune in your head for weeks!

I have no clue who made this or who crafted this captivating song, but I love it and watch it at least seven times a day. The clip is taken from the 1984 classic Hip-Hop dance film, Breakin’, where this "brief" scene was the extent of Jean-Claude’s role. And what a job he did! He really takes the moves and makes them all his own, and never have I been so enchanted by a man’s hips moving back and forth in a onesie, like I am with JCVD in this clip. With the creation of this video, there is no more need for anti-depression medication anymore – one watch and your whole day is instantly made!

Oh, and you’re welcome!

The Fashion Sense, or Lack Thereof, of the Male Characters in Sleepaway Camp

When re-watching Sleepaway Camp for the first time in a long time, I began to notice a pattern. Not a pattern showing how the killer chose his/her victims, or even clues found in the numerous red hearings pointing to who the killer actually is in this 1983 Slasher cult classic. Nope, this was a pattern that included the outfits that many of the film’s male character’s picked out for their summer of fun in the sun.

Sometimes known as booty shorts, daisy dukes, short-shorts, hot pants, jorts (if they’re made of jean, that is), and why the hell is that man wearing those, slut cuts are a brand of short pants that exceed the legal limits of short and cross over into a realm of excessive inner thigh and possible pube sightings. I’m not here to judge these male characters for their odd choices in attire…instead, I am here to celebrate their decision to avoid tan lines, respect, and ambiguity as to how big their plunger is.

Here is an in-depth look, at the semi-nude, butt-cut boys of summer.

“Daddy, that girl’s bikini bottom cover’s more ground than your shorts!”

“Ehh…whatevs.”

“What time should I realize I’m wearing these shorts?!”

“Man, your legs are really looking righteous this summer!”

“Nice to see some of us got the new uniform memo…”

A meeting of the thighs

I think we may have found Snooki’s long lost father

(I actually don’t know if he was lost, so much as he probably ran away!)

Who wears a half-shirt over a sweater?

(I know he’s the same guy, but he is beyond just one photo!)

“HEY! I wanna be the catcher!”

“Bet ya guys can’t get my blue shorts wet! Ha ha ha ha! ”

Them some sexy legs, huh?! But no one in Sleepaway Camp quite has the stem presence like camp consoler Ronnie (Paul DeAngelo), who with his always poking pecker, brings a whole new meaning to the term, less is more.

Ronnie: A God amongst men. Or tennis players in the 80’s

“Hey honey, you’re looking kinda wolfie down there. I got an extra bottle of Nair in the back if your up for a session?”

Ronnie’s version of Capri pants

“You have the right to remain…really hot in those shorts! What gym do you go to?!?”

There ya have it…just a small handful of the impressive wardrobe choices found in Sleepaway Camp. All worn with pride. Now, if you don’t mind, I’m gonna hit the gym so I can do some squats and get ready for summer. Ladies, get ready to take a ride on the thighway when I hit up the beach this year.

Freddy’s New Years Eve Dance Party: Strong Desire for Bearded Men Edition!

Here it is people, the end of yet another decade, the end of an era, an era that seems to lack in comparison to more recent decades, but a decade that will slowly become looked at nostalgically as more and more time passes. It is a New Year and I think there is only one-way to move forward into the next decade – if you feel like you had a less than stellar decade, you need to take that shit and use it to propel yourself into the next decade with positive reinforcement. Start off with a beard. Nothing says “you’re gonna have a great year” than with a great beard.

Next, get yourself a nice brown coat with that weird nappy looking fur pillow stuffing shit and put it on…but not before you put on the tightest black leotard you can find to match your black tank filled with hot sweaty man boobs. Now, find a snowy spot that would seem to challenge your strength and stamina and heart – in Russia, of course. Run, set your heart on fire and put that strong desire to the test…show those that put you down that you have power and class, but your beard and work out routine are what drive you forward!

Doesn’t that just get you pumped up and ready to take on all challenges that lie ahead of you in the next ten?! If I wasn’t so busy sitting down, I would grab a jump rope and rip that shit up!

I hope you all had a great decade and here’s looking forward to the next one…unless the Apocalypse is planning on showing up that is.

Happy New Year!

Purple Nurple

Many people underestimate the color purple…I don’t mean that movie with the little short chick Prince; I’m talking about the actual color purple. Like the color that your nipple becomes when twisted in-between someone’s tightly gripped fingertips, or the color of delicious artificial grape substances. It’s a color that displays more than just style and fashion sense, it shows that you are a man that is not only confident, but a man with true panache. Purple can have an effect unlike any other color; it can grant the wearer the ability to have tight abs, or even the capability to throw an opponent onto a trampoline. However, if you do not have faith in your purple garb, or a pair of healed boots and white tapered pants, then you may not be able to harness all that is purple. In the end, you are just another jerk in purple pajamas.

Paracinema...The Blog: Syndicate Sadists

Back from a weekend of minor league baseball at Fenway park with Lady-suzaka - had a great time and struggled with not buying every DVD I picked up to look at, at Newbury Comics. Whilst still in a good mood about the fun weekend, the Redsox are putting their season in serious jeopardy by sucking balls since the all star break. The only remedy for my depression...some good old fashioned Italian Cinema! And this week over at Paracinema, I posted my review of Umberto Lenzi's Euro-crime, kinda classic, Syndicate Sadists. Check it out if you wanna read borderline homosexual tangents about the film's star, Tomas Milian, and if you like good action films where their lips don't exactly match up with the words they are saying!



Click down there to read the review, and I will promise to love you the way that I love Tomas Milian.

Paracinema...The Blog: Syndicate Sadists

We’ll keep an eye out for ya, Stingray!

If you find that your shirt is already slightly torn, why not just go ahead and rip it off? If you have an oily swamp chest and are in the midst of a major brawl with a villain rockin’ a similarly buttered set of pectorals, then why bother leaving it on? It’ll just get more wrinkled anyway, so at least if you rip it off, Hogan style, you may scare off your slimy chested foe. Unless, of course, he too takes off his shirt, then you’re just kinda back to square one. Hope your Karate skills are tight…cause the shirtless playing field is now officially level. Well, level until Cynthia fucking Rothrock shows up, and she’s on your side! Then you are, truly, Undefeatable. Buckle up, Stingray…this ones gonna hurt.



Just an observation.