Man, I’ve been searching high and low trying to find some awesome DIY Halloween costume ideas, and until now I have had no luck whatsoever. I’m sooooo pumped that I stumbled across this video, which is going to be SUPER helpful in getting me to that DIY “Next Level” this Halloween. I’m really looking forward to an exciting video, full of passion, care, love, and maybe even a few thrills and chills!
Let’s do it!
I’m not sure how to comprehend all of that. I mean, I really appreciate the work that this young lady put into such a fine video, filled with an intimidating amount of pink blanket and an equal part of indifference. It takes an incredible amount of work and passion to lay in bed and do a video with the excitement level of a dead dolphin sinking to the bottom of the ocean. I can only imagine how challenging it must have been to force all those words out of her mouth, especially after that impressive cough right at the beginning. I‘d really like to thank her for that.
You know, it’s not often one person can deliver such entertainment value with so little effort. It’s like watching someone try to understand why they’re dumb. But that’s exactly what can happen when you’re really giving it your all. Never would I have guessed that I’d get so many good DIY Halloween costume ideas in one place, just as I never would have guessed that the video would get so extremely loud at the minute mark. Quite frankly, I am impressed.
This video has left an emotional impact that will forever change who I am as both a father and a son. Now, I’m not a father, but I feel like one after the inspirational brush with brilliance that came upon me in watching this video. And the best part is, I totally have a MILLION great ideas for making my own DIY Halloween costume!
You know, it sure is getting cold outside and all, but that don't stop me from wanting to show off my midriff to all the neighborhood boys. The only problem is, all of my dangling belly button rings are either dolphins, crescent moons or butterflies! lol! I have absolutely nothing seasonal to decorate my navel with, but thanks to the fine folks over at Body Candy Body Jewelry, I can properly decorate my front porch in the hopes that I can draw a few visitors to my backyard, if you know what I mean.
WOW! There is so much Halloween hotness to choose from, I don't even know where to begin!
One of my favorites is definitely the glow-in-the-dark Sexy Witch, witch, as Kelsey claims, "does glow so bright," something that works as a great distraction from the festering venereal disease that I caught when I let that meth dealer go down on me in Joanne's Chevy Beretta last August. lmfao! On the other hand, I doubt if someone like Billy Bob would really give a turd about a few scabs and warts.
Speaking of warts, I love those pumpkin earrings soooo much! However, nothing, and I mean nothing, compares to the super groovy glow in the dark spider dog tag! Ugh, I wish Cleophus "Rock Salt" Jeremiah was still around to pick me up in his Firebird. I miss those special nights where he'd come by my house at like 2:30 in the AM, and he would be sooo wasted! Boy, we would drive around and listen to Ugly Kid Joe for hours and hours. If he were here to pick me up right now, I would totally give him that dog tag at the end of the night. I bet he would have married me then, instead of getting with that fat cow Linda Mae Macintosh! You do know that's not his kid, right? That pig's been with every guy from here to Chewaback County. And I'M the slut? Whatever. lol!
Anyway, as much as I love all of these adorable naval pieces, Body Candy don't do COD (can you believe it?), so I guess I'll just have to go pick up an 8ball instead.
Often after I watch a film that either interests me or possibly gives me something meaty to chew on in either a positive or negative way, I'll take a peak at what other people across that vast universe known as the internet think. I like to get an idea of what others like or dislike about a film that I myself either like, dislike or am not fully sure about yet. While this is clearly a mistake as IMDB is mostly a cesspool for idiots (only to be outshined by YouTube), I still find myself checking out a few of their user reviews (both positive and negative), which can be a way of getting the average film fan's thoughts, as opposed to the cult/genre geek who may be too well aligned with my wavelength to get a solid differing opinion.
Part 2 The Issue
This would happen most recently with Nicolas Winding Refn's Valhalla Rising, a film that, for me, cements Refn as one of the most visually present and thought provokingly interesting filmmakers working today. Soon after I finished the film and processed my thoughts for a few moments, I took to the net, did some research (interviews with Refn, etc.), then read a few quick reviews. One of the recurring negative complaints about Valhalla Rising that stuck out like a sore dick was the proclamation that the film is all style and absolutely no substance.
Now, in my experience with his work (and I have seen most of his films), I find that Refn is a virtual beast when it comes to what he presents on screen. Refn has an ability create astounding visuals; he commands powerful, next level performances from his actors; he captures a Neanderthalian brutality with a ferocity that simply pummels the audience; and most importantly for the sake of this piece, Refn delivers deep subtext in a way that doesn't stick its ass out at the audience.
Part 3 We're On A Mission From God
As for the film's story, Wikipedia describes Valhalla Rising's plot as such: "The film takes place in 1000 AD and follows a Norse warrior named One-Eye and a boy named Are as they travel with a band of Christian Crusaders in pursuit of a Crusade. Instead they find themselves in an unknown and unfamiliar land."
Valhalla Rising is very simplistic as far as the characters' physical journey goes, yet, it is the intricacies of what lie just at the surface that give it incredible depth. You read that description and you know this band of Christian Crusaders are on a Crusade, but it is what they are Crusading for that brings about the film's connotations; the overbearingly high-handed religious connotations that litter the film from front to back. High-handed religious connotations that greatly reflect many of the biggest challenges faced by mankind in the world in which we live today.
Their Crusade is for one thing and one thing only, to go back to Jerusalem and take back their land in the name of God. Their God.
For as long as mankind has dwelled upon this earth, (some) people have, do and will put themselves in positions of power by sending false messages of superiority. They use faith as a way of gaining trust as well as instilling fear in those who are without the ability to think for themselves. Those who are led to believe that if they follow the flock and fight for their God, they will be ensuring themselves a spot in heaven, safe and happy, while all those that dare to follow the wrong beliefs rot in hell. Or worse, a 9-to-5 job without benefits. Yikes.
Part 4 Driven by Fear
These Crusaders are only slightly more naïve than many who comb our Earth in present day and every day between now and the time in which Valhalla Rising is set. Their idealistic beliefs cause them to, deep down, fear those who do not share in their faith, and as the wise old Yoda once said, "Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering" In this case, the suffering is meant for those who do not support, who do not follow and who dare to stand opposed to a certain belief.
The symbolism is as simple as the line, "We Raised the cross, now we bring the sword!," when referring to the strange foreign land in which the Crusaders now inhabit and plan to overtake. Filled with unseen, indigenous natives who must be eradicated because they are not them. They are not Christians. They are not Crusaders of God.
And they wipe with leaves. Gross.
The symbolism is as simple as one character holding up two short swords to form the most iconic of Christian symbols: the cross. Using weapons of destruction as a representation of faith; the very same weapons that are also meant to take down those who oppose their ideology. Brandishing these instruments of death in such a way is reflective of the misguidance and lack of understanding that some people have for religion. They also represent the one choice that is given to anyone who comes within their reach. You're either with us, or against us, and if you're against us, well, we brought the sword if that should answer your question.
Part 5 The Lamb
The vastly more obvious religious undertones come specifically from the character of One-Eye himself (played with a silent brilliance by Mads Mikkelsen of the Pusher films), as he is presented in a Christ-like fashion. However, while his character is used to represent a specific event for a specific religion, he represents sacrifice in a way that is not selfish, a way that is not driven by fear, greed, power, or a specific belief – but driven by faith, period. His sacrifice is propelled by selflessness, which is what many religions can easily preach, yet, it always seems so difficult for people such as the Crusaders to actually live like those who inspired their beliefs. In fact, they do the exact opposite, and I guess that's just human nature for you.
Part 6 Resolution
I can see not enjoying Valhalla Rising because it's not what you want from a Viking film, but if it were just what you wanted, it would be no different from what has already been done in other Viking movies. If someone were to say to me they do not enjoy Valhalla Rising because it's too slow (and it is very slowly paced), or that they just aren't into any of this underlying, and possibly pretentious to some, subject matter that I have gone over here, then that's certainly fine by me. To each his own, and that is what subjection is all about. On the other hand, to classify Valhalla Rising as having no substance is completely and totally off the mark, as there is much more substance than one can easily see on the surface, if only they bothered to focus on something other than what is directly in front of them.
What exactly does one get when Christmas shopping for someone like a post transformation Seth Brundle? It's not as easy as you'd think. Brundlefly's physical form is quite odd in its shape, so a nice holiday sweater is out of the question. He's not so much into his looks, either, so you can forget about picking him up a 6 month gym membership with unlimited tanning. And without actual ears, what would be the point of getting him an iPod?
If you're shopping for a picky person, or fly, such as Brundlefly, you have to think outside the box and maybe take a look at his interests and likes. What is his passion? Well, family unity is clearly first thing on his mind, so why not try and go for a gift certificate to the Olive Garden? It's the perfect present for a family that is in need of a little bonding, and boy do those breadsticks taste so great, especially 'cause they're endless! Just make sure you go when it's not too busy, you know, because Brundlefly has not the greatest of table manners.
One thing I notice is, when Brundlefly is off working those late nights breaking into abortion clinics, he needs to take a break but just doesn't have the time to stop somewhere to pick up a quick sip to eat. It's a clinic-to-clinic lifestyle he lives. So, I'm thinking a nice 24oz thermos would make for the perfect solution for a fly on the go. Hey, you could even fill it with some meat and vegetables before wrapping it, then the entire family will laugh and clap as they watch as he pukes on it so it dissolves and becomes a form in which is edible for him. Hey look, he's making fresh Olive Garden alfredo sauce! YUM!
Lastly, I know I sometimes like to buy my mother an adorable Christmas ornament as a present. It's a great way to remind her about how disappointed she is in me when she goes to decorate her tree year after year. The problem is, what kind of ornaments are out there that a fly/human hybrid would enjoy hanging every holiday season? Well, here's where you can get creative. What do flies love? C'mon…think about it. That's right, they love shit! Now, how about a nice home made ornament made out of some form of feces? It's cheap and you can decorate it with glitter, put your picture on it, heck, you can even stick a candy cane through it if it's soft enough. Now, imagine Brundlefly's face when he hangs up an ornament that he can actually call his own. This Christmas is turning out, AWESOME!!
So there you have it. When shopping for someone like Brundlefly, sometimes you just have to think outside the pod. Happy shopping, kiddies!
P.S. I am fully aware that this entire post is probably null and void due to the fact that there is a 99% chance that Brundlefly is Jewish. I do believe, however, that the fly was Irish catholic, so it works.
As the summer heat beats intensely pounding fiercely on my back, I hope and pray that the season will soon end – it's as simple as that. While darkness and chill slowly fill the air, I stroll up the walkway - with a bit less despair. The cold breeze is strong and digs deep inside my lung, I then soon realize that the time has nearly come. With each little step I take I have absolutely no clue, just what waits for me up ahead - oh whoopee doo. I reach inside a box of gold plated metal, but did not find bills, junk nor my Netflix copy of Barbra Streisand's Yentl. Instead I felt the full color pages of something great, something grand, something I find impossible to hate. All my humid summer woes were suddenly fast forgot, as I quickly entered my darkened home – without even the slightest of thought. The time has finally come and it's nearly too exciting for me to handle, as I opened up the 2010 Halloween edition of - Yankee Candle.
Hell of the Living Dead is a 1981 Italian zombie film, and as with many Italian zombie films, it is a rip-off of a handful of other successful movies of the time, namely, Dawn of the Dead. Sometimes completely boring, sometimes completely entertaining, this sloppily made film is more than fun and even more than ridiculous with its poor gore FX and incredibly painful and overly used stock footage.
Brought to us by Bruno Mattei, Hell of the Living Dead was co-written by frequent Mattei collaborator, Claudio Fragasso, who also did some of the second unit directing that, consisted of effects work to beef up the grue. If the name Claudio Fragasso sounds somewhat familiar, it's because he is the man responsible for bringing cinema one of its finest films ever constructed, Troll 2. That should tell you all you need to know…
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I didn't know Rumer Willis worked with hazardous materials?
(If you are not aware, Rumer Willis, daughter of Bruce and Demi, has a massive noggin. Like, Rocky Dennis makes fun of her massive)
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"You got something on your shoulder…here, let me get it for you!"
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"Who wants to hear some of my freestyle? Throw your guns in the air..."
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"Remember, whomever cums last, has to eat the cookie. All of it."
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"Wake up honey, it's 7:45, you're gonna be late for work…"
"I'm not going in today, babe…I'm feeling a little under the weather, and I'm DEAD tired!"
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"Your lack of breast milk really irks me, daddy…"
"Guess this will just have to do then."
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"You wouldn't by any chance happen to have a napkin on you? That damn buffalo wing sauce gets everywhere, doesn't it?!"
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Even the natives can't help but get swelled heads when they run into a naked white women with jungle bush. Just ask the guy with the diaper.
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"Hey, I could really go for some of that Oil of Olay you got over there…"
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The disturbing and corrupting effects that rap music has on decent white women.
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"Nope, I don't see your cat up here either."
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Looks like someone didn't get the memo.
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"Anyone seen the lifeguard around? Um, help?"
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I'm chewing in the rain, chewing in the rain…
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"Hey, let us in and we'll tell you all about Jesus…at least take a few of these pamphlets!"
Rarely do I post only one single trailer, but I wanted to spend a little extra time and give this first look at Resident Evil: Afterlife, the attention it deserves (?). So, if you haven't seen the trailer (or even if you have), check it out, then I'll meet you right after to talk about what we saw! Kay?
Alright, there is quite a bit to take in with this one, so I'm going to go over a few key things that stand out for me in this trailer. Fittingly, these things are the definition of what the series is and has been, which can almost be broken up into two categories.
I'll start with the good…
Mila Jovovich: Of course, the first thing to mention is seeing the return of Mila Jovovich, who is maybe the biggest draw for most fans of the series. She still looks great and I can feel comfortable in assuming that she will be whopping dat ass in style, as she always does.
Style: Something else I noticed was the visual style of the film. There are a few key shots that look stunning, namely the shot of the Hollywood sign and the one when Alice is jumping from the rooftop. It's an awesome look and the colors and texture almost look like the mate painting backgrounds of yesteryear.
REAL 3-D: I have a major distaste for the need to use the third dimension in EVERY film that comes out. As it was in the 80's, it has become nothing but a gimmick and a means to get the unsuspecting to spend way too much money for a movie that gains nothing from the "next level in cinema!" However, most of these films that are so called 3-D, are imposter conversions of the format and look terrible, but when a movie is crafted specifically for 3-D, it will no doubt look fantastic. Plus, it is that super duper 3-D being used, which we'll be coming back to a little later on.
MONSTERS!: The last thing that really stuck out was that badass gigantic dude with that burly axe (who I believe is from the fifth game in the series), who looks like he could make up for the folly that was Nemises in Resident Evil: Apocalypse.
Now, those are some of the positive things about this trailer, next I'll go over the corny and very stereotypical, yet awesome, aspects of the trailer...
Blu Blockers: In a completely original move, there's a dude that throws his super-cool sunglasses at the camera and for the fullest effect, it's done in slow-mo. I am fully expecting that they will explode all up in, or land perfectly on, someone's face. Either way is fine with me.
Flip You!: I noticed that there's a run-up-a-wall to back-flip, to land-on-knee, look-up, ready-to-pounce move. Always a classic and a staple of any cheesy action movie.
Born to Run: I saw at least one shot with characters running away from an explosion. I have a feeling that this will happen at least 19 times in Afterlife…anything less, would be a felony.
Trinity Who?: Notice that jumping through a window, while shooting a gun in slow-mo Matrix move? Me too, but Afterlife is upping the ante by having TWO people jump through a window, shooting guns in slow-mo! Whoa.
We Will Rock You!: I'd be silly if I didn't mention there is some much needed, thumpin' techno rock music, just to add a little edge!
REAL 3-D: Now, how do I know that Resident Evil: Afterlife is doing 3-D the right way? Well, that might have something to do with the TRIPLE NAME DROP!!! of James Cameron, Vincent Pace and the Fusion Camera System. Shit is epic and so awful all at the same time.
In the end, Resident Evil: Afterlife looks like it will be ridiculous and silly, but completely fun and entertaining…which is the case with all the films in the series. I'd love to hear your thoughts on this trailer (and the film), whether or not you think I'm right, or that I'm completely out of my mind. I'll go with the latter based off the fact that I just wrote 700 words about a Resident Evil trailer.
When re-watching Sleepaway Camp for the first time in a long time, I began to notice a pattern. Not a pattern showing how the killer chose his/her victims, or even clues found in the numerous red hearings pointing to who the killer actually is in this 1983 Slasher cult classic. Nope, this was a pattern that included the outfits that many of the film’s male character’s picked out for their summer of fun in the sun.
Sometimes known as booty shorts, daisy dukes, short-shorts, hot pants, jorts (if they’re made of jean, that is), and why the hell is that man wearing those, slut cuts are a brand of short pants that exceed the legal limits of short and cross over into a realm of excessive inner thigh and possible pube sightings. I’m not here to judge these male characters for their odd choices in attire…instead, I am here to celebrate their decision to avoid tan lines, respect, and ambiguity as to how big their plunger is.
Here is an in-depth look, at the semi-nude, butt-cut boys of summer.
“Daddy, that girl’s bikini bottom cover’s more ground than your shorts!”
“Ehh…whatevs.”
“What time should I realize I’m wearing these shorts?!”
“Man, your legs are really looking righteous this summer!”
“Nice to see some of us got the new uniform memo…”
A meeting of the thighs
I think we may have found Snooki’s long lost father
(I actually don’t know if he was lost, so much as he probably ran away!)
Who wears a half-shirt over a sweater?
(I know he’s the same guy, but he is beyond just one photo!)
“HEY! I wanna be the catcher!”
“Bet ya guys can’t get my blue shorts wet! Ha ha ha ha! ”
Them some sexy legs, huh?! But no one in Sleepaway Camp quite has the stem presence like camp consoler Ronnie (Paul DeAngelo), who with his always poking pecker, brings a whole new meaning to the term, less is more.
Ronnie: A God amongst men. Or tennis players in the 80’s
“Hey honey, you’re looking kinda wolfie down there. I got an extra bottle of Nair in the back if your up for a session?”
Ronnie’s version of Capri pants
“You have the right to remain…really hot in those shorts! What gym do you go to?!?”
There ya have it…just a small handful of the impressive wardrobe choices found in Sleepaway Camp. All worn with pride. Now, if you don’t mind, I’m gonna hit the gym so I can do some squats and get ready for summer. Ladies, get ready to take a ride on the thighway when I hit up the beach this year.
What a witty title, eh? Christmas is now officially past us and I wanted to share some of the awesome presents I received this holiday season with all of you. Because I know you are just clamoring to find out what I got, aren't you?! Lady Suzaka and myself kept it tight this year, cause money is not exactly in abundance, but I think I still made out quite well with some cool gifts this Christmas. First off, I got some awesome shit from a secret Santa, but I am not sure if there is secret Santa etiquette or not, so I think I'll keep that to myself just in case...but I will say, Viva Indonesia!
Okay, starting from least to most movie related, the best gift I got this year was a subscription to Game Fly. There was a time when I played a good amount of games, but at that time I could afford them, now they are too damned expensive and I cannot see myself paying $60 for a game. So Game Fly is perfect because now I can play Barbie's Horse Adventure: Wild Horse Rescue for as long as I want, then when I tire of it, I can send it right back for something else! Dope!
If there is one thing I love, it is Superman and with that comes love for Smallville, in which I got season seven on DVD. I had fallen slightly behind on the show and I cannot wait to catch back up again! For my next present, not too long ago I did a review for Pontypool the film and I LOVED it! I also expressed how much I wanted to check out the book and now I can, because I got that too! Whoo-ooot! Wake up bitches, it's Christmas!
Getting to the actual movies that I got this year, there were two and the two I got were two I really wanted. One is a film titled The Great Silence, which I actually watched at the beginning of Death-cember and I even wrote a review for it and everything, but I pushed it back so I could review all the Christmas horror films before the holiday was over with...so look for that soon enough. It is a Spaghetti Western directed by Sergio Corbucci and you can probably guess I liked it if I got it for Christmas.
The last gift I received ties in with CNAMB in a kinda cool way as the very first post I ever did at this horrendous blog was for the infamous "We'll keep an eye out for ya, Stingray - Yeah, see ya!" clip from the Godfrey Ho (or Godfrey Hall) directed Undefeatable staring the uber sick Cynthia Rothrock. I have been dying to see this film since I posted that first blog and I'm pumped to sit down and finally check it out. I also got a $30 gift card to Amazon, which I can very easily turn into at least 4 or 5 movies with my tight shopping skillz.
There you have it, what I got for Christmas...captivating read, right?! Now it's your turn - what did you get for Christmas this year (and if you don't celebrate, you can make something up)? Any good movies or possibly something even better perhaps? I would love to hear!
I have been pretty tempted to toss in my two cents about this whole ordeal here, but after much thought and deliberation, I have decided against it because it takes away from my time spent watching movies, writing moronic reviews and throwing sexist dance parties.
Everyone has said everything that can be said, and I agree with most people’s thoughts. It's just too bad that it's taking away from the entire reason we are all here, which is to talk movie shop. The entire blogging world is doing the Karloff thing or talking about this moronic made up non-issue, while I'm just sitting here all alone. Weeping like a willow.
I need to stir up a pot of some sort, and I think I will do so by coming out against one ply toilet tissue. For years I have conformed to the tyranny of this waste efficient source of rear cleaning known as one ply T.P., and I'm done with it! Say what you will, three ply for me, whether or not you like it! Public restrooms be warned...your time is almost up!
Now, maybe I'll get a ton of hits here at CNAMB for this faux issue, and instead of learning my thoughts, people will become outraged by my "toilet tissue issue" stance. The line has been drawn in the sand and either you like a bloody ass, or you don't...now, what's it gonna be?
I need not post any info about this movie, not that there's a lot to find about Hypothermia in these early stages, but it would just defeat the purpose of such an awesomely executed teaser. As the title of this post suggests, THIS is how a teaser is done! THIS is all that I need, to have my attention grabbed - and it is always nice to see a teaser like this, in a world where the art of teasers and trailers are as lost, and ancient, as the art of Egyptian Hieroglyphics (?). Okay, maybe not quite that lost, but it is so rare to have a movie trailer or teaser that doesn't either completely explain, to the detail, what is going to happen in the movie that said teaser/trailer is for, or one that completely dupes you into thinking a film is one thing, when in all actuality, it is something completely different.
I did seek, and find out a little info about the film, Hypothermia that resulted in this following teaser, but I thought it would be nice if you watched it, then got excited for it, then in anticipation, looked for any info on the movie to devour in your insane movie-fueled, carnivorous way. It's like the old days, right? Maybe not, but I do not want to take away from the effectiveness of this brilliant teaser by talking about it for two paragraphs. Which is exactly what I am still kinda doing now. Damn.
I just love seeing a teaser that keeps it simple and tells you nothing, while still telling you a whole lot. You know there is something under that thick slab of ice, and you know that something, is something that you don't want to tussle with. And you get all of that from a single shot of an ice fishing hole.
Hypothermia is being frozen for us by Glass Eye Pix (under the ScareFlix sub-label), the same company that put out other such genre efforts from the likes of Larry Fessenden (who also created the label) in the form of Wendigo and The Last Winter among others. Now, I really don't expect you to have to go and search for info about the film, so I will provide a link to a place where you can read the synopsis and find what little info there is. Here would work nicely. It’s kind of cheating and almost defeats the purpose, but there is still some adventure to be found in clicking on the link - a link, that for all you know, could lead to a nude photo of one Matt-suzaka.
What a witty title, eh? Christmas is now officially past us and I wanted to share some of the awesome presents I received this holiday season with all of you. Because I know you are just clamoring to find out what I got, aren't you?! Lady Suzaka and myself kept it tight this year, cause money is not exactly in abundance, but I think I still made out quite well with some cool gifts this Christmas. First off, I got some awesome shit from a secret Santa, but I am not sure if there is secret Santa etiquette or not, so I think I'll keep that to myself just in case...but I will say, Viva Indonesia!
There you have it, what I got for Christmas...captivating read, right?! Now it's your turn - what did you get for Christmas this year (and if you don't celebrate, you can make something up)? Any good movies or possibly something even better perhaps? I would love to hear!
