Great gifts ideas for... Alexander DeLarge

There's no feeling worse than the pressure of coming up with that perfect Christmas gift, especially when the big day is coming quicker than a teenage boy discovering I Dream of Jeannie for the first time. Relevant crass jokes aside, when it comes to gift shopping, some loved ones are more difficult than others. Generally, parents are bathrobes, framed photos of your shitty family and gift certificates to restaurants where the average price per plate is $8.99. Now, when it comes to shopping for someone such as your uncle Alex, well, things get a little more difficult. Especially seeing as he's a bit of an arrogant snot. Nevertheless, he's our arrogant snot, so creatively shop we must, which is where this handy gift guide comes into play.

• Ovaltine Rich Chocolate Gift Set: We all know Alex enjoys himself a nice glass of milk plus before a night of the old ultraviolence. And really, I think it’s the plus part where many of his issues stem. A glass of delicious vitamin and mineral-filled chocolate milk should feed Alex’s taste buds in a way that will make him to forget about the whole “plus” part, which should, in turn, keep him out of trouble.

• Systane Ultra Lubricant Eye Drops: Let’s face it, dude could really use some love for them eyes, as nothing is worse than not being able to close them for hours on end. If you don’t believe me, try to not blink for 60 seconds. I’ll wait…

SEE?!?! It totally sucks.

• Beats By Dre: What better way to enjoy an old friend such as Ludwig Van and the dreaded Ninth Symphony than with a pair of Beats By Dre? They’re hip, stylish and best of all, perfect for the road, which is valuable on those days when a long walk while reflecting on the previous night’s in-n-out is due.

• Tide Plus Bleach Alternative Laundry Detergent: Nothing gets blood and semen out quite like a good whitening detergent with bleach alternative, and a gift of this magnitude will show that you really pay attention to detail and truly care about the Alexander DeLarge in your life.

There you have it. Now you are armed with a handful of brilliant gift ideas to ensure your ol’ uncle Alex is right, right this holiday season.

Salute Your Shorts: Tim Sullivan's A Christmas Treat (1985)

It's Christmas Eve, and as Jason is being tucked into bed, his parents warn him that if he doesn't get to sleep soon, Santa will not be bringing him any gifts. It isn’t long before Jason does finally fall asleep, only to excitedly wake up in the middle of the night and rush downstairs to see if Santa has brought him all he wished for. Much to his surprise, Jason finds Santa himself, as he's leaving behind a plethora of joy just waiting to be celebrated by the young boy. Excited beyond belief, Jason takes this opportunity to try and meet Santa, but what Jason neglected to consider is there's a reason why good little boys and girls are encouraged to sleep through the night, and no matter what, should never try and see Santa for themselves.

Brimming with 80s Christmas decor and set to the comforting sounds of Nat King Cole’s The Christmas Song, A Christmas Treat is a holiday-themed horror short that perfectly hits the nostalgia mark by recreating the joy of Christmas from the perspective of a young child. Of course, the brilliance of the short is that it builds up all of these youthful memories and warm feelings, only to take it all and turn it into a complete nightmare. Albeit, a very fun and satisfying nightmare.

Written and directed by a 21-year-old Tim Sullivan when he was studying film at NYU, A Christmas Treat garnered Sullivan a Short Film Search Award from Fangoria Magazine, which is really impressive considering this was his first film. It’s not much a surprise that it received such positive attention, honestly, as A Christmas Treat is indeed a treat, and certainly one that is well worth 4 minutes of your time this holiday season and during holiday seasons to come.

Inside (2007): Baby Blues

Inside opens with the aftermath of a violent car crash involving a man and his pregnant wife, Sarah (Alysson Paradis). It is quite clear that Sarah’s husband did not survive the accident, leaving Sarah alone, distraught and carrying a child. Flash forward to four months later, it’s Christmas Eve and Sarah is due to be induced the next morning. Until that time, however, Sarah will wait out the final night of her pregnancy in her home, with no one other than her cat to keep her company. While this would likely be a night where anticipation and sadness clouds Sarah’s thoughts, things take an unexpected turn when a psychotic woman (Béatrice Dalle) starts harassing her. Eventually, the woman’s harassment turns into an all out attempt to murder Sarah, and what ensues is a visceral bloodbath of violence and destruction as Sarah must fight to protect not only herself, but her unborn child, too.

Directed by Julien Maury and Alexandre Bustillo, Inside (À l'intérieur) is a 2007 French horror film that starts off in a fashion that is quite reminiscent of John Carpenter’s Slasher masterpiece, Halloween. The inspiration is clear in how some of the earlier moments are executed as well as the effect they have on the viewer, featuring a sort of background horror that, if you catch it, will give you a good reason to change your adult diaper. Inside plays the creepy vibe perfectly for the first act, then the film slowly unfolds into a full-on, no holds barred gorefest. Or, better yet, a gorefeast, because the bloody brutality of Inside has a satisfying taste reminiscent of the gruesome Slasher films of yesteryear.

Inside comes in under 90 min and pushes a relentless pace from start to finish. The film holds this pace with a simple narrative that only focuses on a few characters. The locations are also kept to a minimum, as - outside of the opening car accident - Inside is set almost entirely inside of Sarah’s home, with Sarah left to defend herself against the onslaught that is La Femme. There are a few sporadic characters that show up and give La Femme the opportunity to show off her ferocity, but the core of Inside is solely focused on the simplistic cat and mouse game between La Femme and Sarah.

*I’m about to get into some character motivations which might be too spoilery for anyone who hasn’t seen Inside, so please, tread lightly, if at all.*

La Femme is, without a doubt, one of the most frightening characters to ever grace the screen. The chaos caused by this woman is almost legendary. But the question remains: why would any woman, crazed or not, attempt to kill a woman carrying a child? Where is her compassion? Well, her compassion, her empathy and her sanity were all left behind in the very car accident that took Sarah’s husband from her, as it’s later revealed that La Femme was the other unseen motorist. Worse yet, La Femme was also pregnant and lost her child as a result of the car wreck, which has sent her down a path of vengeance where her goal is to take Sarah’s child and raise it as her own.

This is what makes  La Femme such an interesting character. As much as she’s a monster, La Femme is laced with a strong trace of sympathy. This is a character who has lost something that meant more to her than most viewers can ever fully grasp: her child. As a result, she blames Sarah for this loss, and her drive is that of a person who wants back what was unfairly taken from them. Does it make her a good person? No, not at all, but it is hard not to feel a little sorry for her, especially when Sarah is presented as a woman who is conflicted about being a mother herself. Why should Sarah be allowed to have a child that she doesn’t seem to really want, while La Femme, on the other hand, wants nothing more than to be a mother?

Now, in defense of Sarah, she too has suffered an incredible loss; a loss that removed an important part of her foundation. It’s clear that the death of her husband has greatly affected Sarah, and having him taken away from her results in her feeling incomplete and fearful of motherhood. The father of her child is no longer there to be the emotional support system that she always thought would be in place. And in no way does this reflect poorly Sarah as a person or make her weak in any way. In fact, I can imagine losing such a huge part of one’s life would result in an incredible amount self doubt and weakness. Furthermore, this pregnancy has likely served as a reminder of her husband’s death, something that, understandably, would be quite difficult to deal with.

Inside revels in its simplicity as a straightforward, no bullshit horror flick, but the fact that it gives a nice undercurrent of thoughtful character development shows the filmmakers were focused on keeping the audience engaged beyond the cool gore gags and buckets of blood. As much as Inside is a wet dream for a splatter fan, and as much as it delivers some truly tense moments, the strength of the film is in the internal conflict between Sarah and La Femme, two characters looking into a mirror, only to see the other’s reflection.

Big and Hairy (1998): Like Your Mom

I first became aware of Big and Hairy when the Queen of Incredible herself, Emily of The Deadly Dolls House of Horror Nonsense reviewed it way back in 2012. Her review was the beginning of a legacy, as soon Emily was kind enough to send her copy of the film to The Magnificent Seven Inches himself, Justin “McMuffin” Oberholtzer, who then reviewed it over at his Movienalia blog. While that would seem like a fitting place to end the saga of Big and Hairy, somehow, someway, Emily’s copy of Big and Hairy made its way to my doorstep, and now I, Mattsuzaka, will end this Big and Hairy trilogy in disappointing fashion.

Directed by Philip Spink and based on a NOVEL?! by Brian Daly, 1998’s Big and Hairy is about a kid named Picasso (Robert Burke), who has been forced to relocate from Chicago (it’s ALWAYS Chicago!) to a small island town due to his father landing a great job making *ahem* lawn ornaments. Picasso is having trouble with adjusting to this new place, so to fit in he joins the basketball team that seems to have forgotten that basketball season ends in March (the film is set during the holiday season). However, there’s one issue: Picasso sucks at basketball. When he is first introduced, Picasso has the opportunity to get a big win for his team, the Lawn Ornaments, so long as he can make a couple foul shots. Of course, Picasso chokes, costing the team the game, which should not be a surprise seeing as there wouldn't be any conflict if he was a baller.

Picasso is labeled by his classmates as a “choker,” which to me seems a lot better than being called Picasso, but thankfully he has a supportive coach, Mr. Donovan (Greg Thirloway). Coach Donovan is the kind of fair and balanced coach who, despite popular opinion, will play every kid, no matter how good or bad they are, which is certainly the right thing to do, if you ask me. Though the wrong thing to do is to tuck your polo shirt into your khakis without a belt on. That shit is unacceptable.  

Picasso also receives a lot of support from his loving parents, who are played by Chilton Crane and the always gross Richard Thomas. I have to be candid here and say that Picasso’s parents are, without a doubt, the worst people on the face of the celluloid planet. They're basically a couple of weird hippy parents who dress in Christmas tree skirts and name their kids PIcasso. While they are clearly meant to be funny and over-the-top, I couldn’t help but want to toss gasoline on them before pushing them into a pit of lava, and that was before the scene where they do an interpretive dance, during a game, to a fake version of Stuck In the Middle with You. I fucking hate them.

Anyway, Picasso is still without any real friends, and worse yet, if the Lawn Ornaments can’t get into the *fill-in-the-blank* tournament, then Coach Donovan will be fired. What’s a Picasso to do? Well, the obvious answer is befriending a Bigfoot who is not only friendly but totally nasty at basketball! PERFECT! Not only does Picasso now have a friend to hang out with, he also gets his new buddy to join the basketball team, which results in the Lawn Ornaments crushing every team they face.

Bigfoot (or Ed as they have named him) takes the small town by storm, and soon both Picasso and Ed are the coolest dudes in school, something that seems a little odd seeing as Ed is a SASQUATCH! As Emily perfectly pointed out in her wonderful review of the film, no one seems to give a toss that there is a Sasquatch playing basketball and going to school, let alone that one actually exists. Whether or not Ed seems out of place being, you know, a Sass, I would think that having a dude that hairy around would be unpleasant. Like, there is no possible way that this dude doesn’t smell like total ass. I can imagine his breath is rank, he has to have some serious dingleberries, and I’m sure piss dribbles down his leg and dries onto his fur every time he takes a leak. Try to tell me otherwise.

When it comes to Ed, the only thing that anyone cares about is whether or not the rule book allows him to play basketball. Now, while there’s no rule against a monster playing ball against a bunch of kids, there is a rule against having 13 players. This results in Picasso quitting the team, something that will only lead to his eventual comeback where he steps up and makes the winning shot. Oh, SPOILER ALERT! Sorry.

This release of Big and Hairy comes from Feature Films for Families (which also released The Buttercream Gang), a company based out of Utah and led by Forrest S. Baker III, who, at his best, looks like a rapist. Anyway, this disc’s “special features” includes a special message from Baker III himself, who (couldn’t look any rapier) talks about how their releases contain no profanity, sexuality, violence, or vulgarity. Hunter III believes that rated R movies have a negative impact on society, so he is here to save the world (so he can rape it), but not before he asks for a donation.

While I have no love for loser Feature Films for Families, I will not hold that against Big and Hairy, which is most likely a film that the Mormon company has nothing to do with outside of buying the rights so they can release it on DVD. Though, seeing as they are a company the cleanses the human soul from sin, it’s likely that they edited some content out of Big and Hairy to make it more family friendly, which means there are no Sass on human sex scenes. Oh, well, there’s always that Farrah Abraham porno if you’d like to fill that void.

Sadly, there is no trailer for Big and Hairy, so to make it up to you I will leave you with this nice man:

Silent Night, Bloody Night (1972): Shriek in Heavenly Peace

It’s Christmas Eve in a small New England town where the owner of the long-abandoned Butler Estate, Jeremy Butler (James Patterson), is looking to unload his property and the many horrific secrets it contains, which include deception, sexual abuse and murder.  

Directed by Theodore Gershuny, Silent Night, Bloody Night is a holiday themed slasher film that employs many of the traits that would come to be standard fare for the genre in the years following its release. You have a secluded location, a mysterious killer who stalks potential victims (sometimes by way of menacing phone calls) before going in for the kill, and while not overly violent by any means, there is certainly some effective bloodletting to be had by way of various types of murder weapons. Point-of-view is impressively utilized to show the world from the unknown killer’s perspective, something that would go on to become a slasher standard after the success of John Carpenter’s Halloween.  

Of course, slasher films in general were greatly inspired by the Giallo films from Italy, and regardless of being the earliest example of a proper holiday slasher film – even predating Black Christmas by a few years – Silent Night, Bloody Night certainly owes a huge debt to the Gialli that came before it. This comes specifically with the tactic of featuring an unknown assailant adorned with black leather gloves as well as the attempts to misdirect the viewer with a handful of mostly ineffective red herrings.

When it comes to the actual story, it’s fair to say that Silent Night, Bloody Night has a lot going on. My brief description from the start of this post barely scratches the surface, as the film is so plot heavy that nearly 50% of the movie requires narration, much of which is provided by the movie’s lead character, Diane (played by a lovely Mary Woronov). Using voice over for expositional purposes is, for all intents and purposes, a cheap tactic; however, Silent Night, Bloody Night has such an ambitious plot that narration is quite necessary. Furthermore, the narration is used well and actually adds to the overall atmosphere that the film gives off.

What sets Silent Night, Bloody Night apart from many holiday slasher films is the creepy tone it so perfectly exudes. Despite its incredibly low-budget, there lies a tangible layer of Gothic ambience that is quite similar to films such as Night of the Living Dead and Carnival of Souls. Silent Night, Bloody Night has a cold feeling about it, and not just in the physical sense. There’s a somberness about all aspects of the film, as it emanates a feeling of complete and utter despair, something of which comes through in everything from the locations, the set design, the music, the pace, and of course the exceptional cinematography by Adam Giffard.

Where everything seems to come together both in terms of plot and filmmaking technique is best portrayed in the film’s final act with a flashback sequence that runs nearly 13 minutes long. This sequence reveals the dark and demented history of the Butler Estate that has plagued the residents of the surrounding community for over 20 years. Blanketed beneath a hauntingly effective rendition of “Silent Night,” the surreal sepia tone photography hypnotically entrances the viewer into a world where a foreboding sense of madness is imminent. What is revealed in these moments is both fascinating and frightening, and these elements are greatly elevated in the way the segment is technically put together.

I’ve had the opportunity to see Silent Night, Bloody Night on a handful of occasions over the years – even reviewing it back in 2009 – and it’s come to be one of my favorite holiday set horror films. Film Chest recently released restored the film for DVD, and the difference between their restoration and any copy I have seen on YouTube or from a Mill Creek set is quite incredible. However, that’s not to say the film looks amazing, as this release is still filled with many imperfections, all of which can be forgiven considering Film Chest likely cannot afford to do extensive cleanup.

Silent Night, Bloody Night is a fine example of that rare perfect storm where a low-budget and artistry come together to concoct a film that is vastly more brilliant than its hokey, yet evocative title would ever allude to. If you are a fan of the movie, then the Film Chest upgrade is worth the money in my opinion. On the other hand, if you are curious about the film and aren’t quite ready to drop some cash on a DVD release, the full movie is available all over YouTube. Just be aware that the quality is going to be pretty shoddy.

Salute Your Shorts: The Winter Stalker (2009)

A woman is unknowingly stalked by an obsessive madman who has spent every waking moment watching her every move. After so much time has been spent learning all the ins and outs of this young, innocent woman, the time has come for the man to pay her a visit and do to her what he truly believes must be done. What ensues is an event that will surprise viewers as much as it will shock them.

Written, directed and produced by Stephen Reedy, The Winter Stalker is a 2 minute short film that takes place on Christmas Eve. While the short is indeed very brief, The Winter Stalker’s concept is both nicely executed and effective, delivering a perfectly misleading horror story without any unnecessary bloat.

Give it a watch for yourself, and feel free to let me know your thoughts afterwards!

We Wish You A Turtle Christmas Holiday Special (1994)

It’s Christmas Eve, and Leonardo, Donatello, Michelangelo, and Raphael are about to wrap some Christmas presents when they realize that no one picked up a gift for Master Splinter. Worse yet, everything is closing soon! The only way to rectify this turtlelly terrible situation is to hit the streets and sing a bunch of shitty versions of Christmas songs while they search for gifts.  

Released in 1994, We Wish You A Turtle Christmas is a live action, direct-to-video Christmas Special featuring everyone’s favorite pizza eating sewer dwellers, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. We’ve seen the Turtles go through a variety of changes since their incarnation back in 1984, with a fluctuation that has ranged from being quite serious to pretty silly. But the Turtles seen in this Christmas special are possibly the most ridiculous they’ve been, being light years away from the heavy metal listening, violent characters created by Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird.

Currently bestowed with a solid 2 out of 10 on IMDB, We Wish You A Turtle Christmas features the most ratchet version of the turtles imaginable. Their mouths hardly move, and if they do, they certainly aren’t in sync with what they are saying/singing. Furthermore, the voice acting is as broke as M.C. Hammer, but what would you expect from a group of characters covered in visible zippers? Maybe that’s just a part of the mutation.

Terrible costuming and voice acting be damned, for the real bad of this really bad Christmas special has to be the wall-to-wall musical numbers. We Wish You A Turtle Christmas is overflowing with offensively bad music that comes in a variety of awful flavors. Songs range from a reggae tune to a hip-hop song, fittingly titled Wrap Rap, which naturally occurs as the turtles are wrapping presents. There’s a scene where Michelangelo sings an opera song, and of course there are a number of holiday classics, all of which are given a TMNT makeover.

For example:

“Deck the Halls with pepperoni

Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la la

Mustard, eggplant and bologna

Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la la”

However, the cream of the crap-crop comes during a moment where I could not help but verbally exclaim, “Splinter, NO!!,” and that comes when Master Splinter spits his version of The Twelve Days of Christmas. Which in this case should be renamed The Twelve Hammers I Want to Lodge Into My Cranium Simply So I Can End this Pain Days of Christmas. But as bad as this never-ending song is, however, I am almost more offended by the gifts that the turtles give to Splinter, which include a framed pizza, videos games, a skateboard, yo-yos – you know, the kind of stuff that Master Splinter would love to own if he were a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle and not Master Splinter.

We Wish You A Turtle Christmas culminates in an epic musical number ending that features a slew of street kids dancing in the background like generic strippers to the titular song, which seems like a brilliantly thought out idea. I mean, it’s not as if the turtles are trying to keep a low profile or anything. You know, it’s not like they’re teenage mutant ninja turtles who live in the sewers with a human sized rat that wears a robe and practices kung-fu.

In closing, We Wish You A Turtle Christmas is bad on a level that is challenging for my mind to absorb without creating a stream of blood pouring from my nose. But at the same time, I kind of love it, which I guess speaks to my tolerance for shit. I know there are those of you out there who, like me, will get a kick out of this one for how awful it is, but be forewarned, for there are moments where you will question your sanity.

You can watch We Wish You A Turtle Christmas in three parts on YouTube. If you can make it through all three parts, that is.

The Thirteenth Day of Christmas (1985): Unwrapping Madness

It’s the thirteenth day of Christmas, and Gilbert (Patrick Allen) and his wife, Evie (Elizabeth Spriggs), are enjoying an evening drinking wine and playing cards with some old friends. The night is going well, that is until Gilbert and Evie’s mentally ill son, Richard (John Wheatley), shows up and puts an uncomfortable damper on the evening. The night grows increasingly intense, however, as Richard’s mental stability slowly crumbles to the point of complete madness.

Through conversation between Gilbert, Evie and their friends, it is learned that Richard has spent some time in a mental institution. It also becomes very clear that Gilbert has little-to-no patience for his son’s condition, and would rather see him sent back to a mental institution than creating chaos for the entire family. This sets up a good conflict for the story in that it’s easy to feel sympathetic for Richard, as his father is angered by his situation while his mother is somewhat fearful of it, therefore Richard likely isn’t getting the support he needs to stay mentality stable.

On the other hand, Richard is a Grade A nut job, so it’s difficult not for feel a shred of sympathy for Gilbert and Evie, who have to constantly deal with someone who is so often potentially hostile. Richard’s the kind of person who must always be handled with kid gloves, and any wrong move can cause a chain reaction that results in a psychotic explosion.

The strength of The Thirteenth Day of Christmas comes from the way it portrays the feeling that comes from being around someone who makes you feel uncomfortable. That whacked out person who just keeps talking nonsense to you and becomes increasingly agitated with each minute that progresses. Your response is driven by the fear of making this type of person even more upset, which could cause an eruption that ends in violence, so you simply force a smile and hope for it all to end as soon as possible.

Directed by Patrick Lau, The Thirteenth Day of Christmas is one of six entries of Time for Murder, a UK television series that focused on hour long stories of mystery and suspense. Seeing as The Thirteenth Day of Christmas was made for UK television, it features a visual aesthetic similar to that of old episodes of PBS’s Masterpiece Theater, which in and of itself gives the episode a natural atmosphere on a visual level. However, there are times where I felt as if there was something missing; something that hindered the atmosphere and tension. And this is especially true during the episode’s second half.

The one real flaw of The Thirteenth Day of Christmas is that it is missing a key component necessary to building tension, and that’s music; something of which is not at all prevalent until the closing credits. Strangely, I neglected to notice the lack of music until the closing credits rolled, but the second I heard it, I knew that a slow, somber, holiday inspired score could have gone a long way to add to the effect that this one has. It’s unfortunate that something so simple can take away from the great build up of Richard’s descent into madness, but I suppose that shows just how important music is when it comes to movies and television.

Dear Santa: Abraham Whistler

Salute Your Shorts: Father Christmas (2011)

It’s Christmas Eve, and the Williamson family are gathered around the fire, enjoying each other's company, when one of the family members discovers an audio cassette from Christmas, 1991. The tape brings about some difficult memories for some of the family members; however, what they learn when they actually listen to the tape is far more horrific than any of them could have ever anticipated.

Made for the 48 hour Bloodshots Canada horror filmmaking contest, Father Christmas was created by the Vancouver based sketch comedy troupe MegaSteakMan. Regardless of being a comedy group, the team behind MegaSteakMan takes a serious approach to Father Christmas and are quite successful in doing so. In its brief running time, Father Christmas presents an effective tale of terror that makes for a nice treat for those of you looking for something a little darker this holiday season.

Give Father Christmas a watch below, and please share your thoughts afterwards!

Death-cember: The Fruitcake of Holiday Celebrations

While the holiday season began in September, you know, if you’ve stepped foot into any retail outlet in the last four months, nothing truly kicks the season of sadness off quite like the first day of DEATH-CEMBER! For those of you who aren’t hip to what Death-cember is selling, I shall give you the quick rundown: during the entire month of December, I place my focus on movies that are either holiday related or feature a wintry setting. Simple enough, right?

Anyway, over the past few years, Death-cember has, unfortunately, been a little neglected, which is mostly due to Chucktober fatigue. However, this season I plan to bring da pain and deliver a Death-cember worthy of at least 10 solid minutes of your time. But you don’t have to take my word for it, just take a look at what’s in store for you this holla-day season:

Now if that lineup that doesn’t unwrap your candy cane, then I don’t know what will! So without any further adoo-doo, let’s get this panty party started!

Great Gift Ideas for: David Lo Pan

Being balls deep in the holidays, many of us are focusing our every effort on last minute gifts items for Christmas. Between friends, family members, co-workers, etc., it seems as if there are always more and more people to shop for as each year passes, and this ever growing number of salivating fiends makes it quite difficult to come up with fresh gift ideas. Now, while it may be tough searching for that perfect gift for your uncle Joe, who doesn't seem to care about anything other than Spike TV, YouPorn and the bottom of a beer can, no one is more difficult to shop for than the cursed evil sorcerer in your life. I mean, you know you can always pick up a few scratch tickets and a special edition Busch bottle opener with Toby Keith's signature engraved on it and ol' uncle Joe will be so thrilled he might even put the feet of his recliner down. David Lo Pan, on the other hand, is much more difficult to satisfy, so as a way to help you get started in the right direction, I have put together this list of gift ideas for the David Lo Pan in your life. 

• Oil of Olay Age Defying Anti-Wrinkle Day Lotion With Sunscreen Broad Spectrum SPF 15: Naturally, David is on a quest to look younger, and he also has very pale skin, which mean he is easily susceptible to burning when out in the sun. This Oil of Olay product will not only help give him the vibrancy he so desires, it will also help protect his fair complexion. 
• A year subscription to eHarmony: With that boring skank Miao Yin out of the picture, Lo Pan simply cannot find the ever lasting love he so desires until he finds himself that one special girl. Preferably a Chinese gal with green eyes who's also skilled as a manicurist, but I believe eHarmony has a filter to help search for those specifics.    
• Sally Hansen Diamond Strength Instant Nail Hardener: If you haven't noticed, David has a few long ass fingernails. They certainly aren't on the Jazz Ison Sinkfield level of grotesquery, but they are long enough to the point where they do need some serious attention to ensure they stay strong and last long.
• Proactiv dark Spot Corrector: Let's face it, when David is in full-on "Lo Pan is the Man" mode, he looks very healthy, with that milky white skin and ability to walk. However, for those days when he's a wheelchair bound David Lo Pan, his face looks pretty jacked up, and this is where the Proactiv can really help him cover up his poop spots.
• $50 Gift Card to Sephora: With his penchant for wearing blue eye shadow, those long fingernails and the incredible amount of powder he puts on his face, Dave clearly has a taste for beauty make-up. Therefore, I think a $50 gift card to Sephora would likely be greatly appreciated. It's nice to let David pick out what he wants, plus it gives him an excuse to go to the mall. He really loves Orange Julius.

I suppose I never realized that shopping for Mr. Lo Pan was sort of like shopping for a lady, but it's tough to keep up with your looks, especially when you're 2,000 something years old. I truly hope this makes at least the shopping you'll have to do for Lo Pan a little easier, and if you have any great gift ideas of your own, please feel free to share them with the rest of us!

Silent Night (2012): Deck the Halls with Blood and Gory

It's Christmas Eve in a small Midwestern town, but all is not calm nor is there anything bright about this long, wintry night, because there's a killer on the loose; a killer dressed up as Santa Claus. As this Santa Psycho goes about slaying all who dare to be naughty, it's up to the local police to try to stop the killer and put an end to a nightmare that has haunted the town for far longer than just this one night.

Directed by Steven C. Miller, Silent Night is, on paper, a remake of the 1984 Santa Slashterpiece, Silent Night, Deadly Night, though, outside of a few nods and the fact that it's a Christmas Slasher film featuring a killer dressed up as Santa, the film has almost nothing in common with its predecessor. Silent Night very well could have been titled Santa's Slaughter or Naughty, Not Nice, and no one would have batted a lash, let alone cried about there being "another remake?!"

As the tagline "He Knows Who's Been Naughty" suggests, Santa (Rick Skene) seemingly has the 411 on every scum bag this town has to offer, and he makes it a point to pay each and every one of them a personal visit. The film proudly presents a handful of less than respectable characters for the audience to root against almost to the point of folly. Some of these characters/victims include a couple participating in adultery, pornographers, a selfish little girl with the mouth of a sailor, a perverted priest who likes to dip into the collection jar, and, well, you probably get the picture. The fashion in which these characters are presented was concerning at first, as I don't need to be goaded into rooting for characters to die when, well, it's why I'm watching the film. Thankfully, however, the near irritation I felt with how these characters were handled subsided before it became a real problem, and soon enough I got on board with the over-the-top fashion in which they were presented.

The anchor of Silent Night is Aubrey (Jaime King), a police woman dealing with some issues from her past that are affecting her confidence as an officer of the law. King stands out with a good performance for a film that some might not believe calls for it. She has a way of emoting without feeling phony, and she's able to bring the character to life in a way that commands a dash of sympathy. Malcolm McDowell also appears in the film as Sheriff Cooper, a cocky know-it-all who somehow goes from being an asshole to being an asshole that you kind of love. McDowell gleefully chews up nearly every scene he's in a way that is difficult not to enjoy. 

There is clearly a common theme in Silent Night, and that's how awful and cruel this world can be sometimes, something that, for certain people, is greatly enhanced during the holiday season. "Christmas can really mess people up" is a phrase uttered by more than one character, specifically characters who are trying to make a few bucks during the holidays by playing Santa. Dressed up as the physical incarnation of their own misery, or the physical incarnation of where their misery is being projected, which is almost poetic if not for the fact that the message is a tad heavy-handed. I appreciate the thought, though.     

The film is nicely put together in a way that seems to be almost the standard for some of the better modern day horror films of similar notoriety. There are a few visual moments that stand out in an impressive way, and there was clearly a lot of thought and care put into certain details that slightly elevate the movie from being just a simple, modern-day Holiday themed Slasher flick. With that said, some of the most notable moments, thankfully, belonging to the kills, as Silent Night serves up some gruesomely fun and satisfying death scenes. From start to finish, the limbs are flying and the blood is spurting, but there is one specific scene involving a wood chipper that is not only THE highlight of Silent Night, it's certainly a candidate for best death scene of 2012.

Silent Night surprised me in two ways: One being that it is a very solid, well made and completely entertaining Slasher film. The other is the fact that the film is directed by Steven C. Miller, who is the director behind the low-budget zombie film, Automaton Transfusion, a movie I absolutely hated. And I mean HATED. Hated in a way where I would have never expected the director to do anything even remotely good, so I suppose I should tip my proverbial cap to Miller for stepping up his game and giving me a good reason to keep an eye on his future projects. 

Silent Night succeeds as a remake by shedding the skin of the film that would influence its creation, while delivering the classic Slasher goods to near perfection. You aren't getting anything groundbreaking with this one, which should be apparent, one would assume, but that's not the goal when it comes to making a good, or at least moderately fun, Slasher film. Keep it simple, follow the basics and deliver the goods, and all will go to sleep with a smile on their face. Well, unless they've been naughty, that is. In which case, maybe their night might be a little more silent than expected…

Iced (1988): These Ski Boots Are Made for Stalking

I'm pretty sure that most of you are well aware of the old saying, "It's all fun and games, until someone gets hurt." Well, never has that saying been truer than for Jeff, who was suddenly taken from us when he took to the slopes for a few runs of drunken skiing shortly after being humiliated in a race that was meant to win him a chance with the girl of his dreams. The whole gang thought it would be super happy fun time to take the piss out of Jeff, mocking him for his claims of skiing the Alps and being a weirdo crybaby with no game whatsoever. But boy did they regret it after Jeff took a 3 foot nosedive right on to a pile rocks that probably wouldn't even hurt Elijah Price. Ever since this horrific day, each one of them has been forced to live with this guilt, but now, five years later, as the whole gang meets up for a weekend of skiing, booze, sex, and cooking while lifting weights, they will all be forced to die with it, because Jeff is back… for vengeance! Or for breakfast, but maybe he's too shy to ask?

"Looks like Jeff's really hit rock bottom!"

"Always a sign of quality to come"

Directed by Jeff Kwitny, 1988's Iced is a tremendously low-budget Slasher film that's so bad it would actually have you believe the main threat is a guy named Jeff. It's the type of Slasher where the real killer is the wardrobe, with ski suites so bright that night skiing is never a problem. Iced is the type of B-Movie where no matter how slow a snowplow is moving, you simply cannot get out of its way before it crushes your body into a pile of slow dead loser. We're talking about the type of film that has more tits in it than a dairy farm, and where most of those tits on display belong to Wednesday Addams. Most importantly, however, Iced is the type of Slasher flick that entertains on almost every level, delivering the goods in a way that make the word "goods" feel somewhat uncomfortable by association.

Despite being a little slow with getting to the kills (and by a little slow, I mean an hour), all of which are completely short of even the slightest touch of quality, Iced is your typical ineptly edited/acted/shot/written B-Movie Slasher flick that tells the age old tale of revenge for something done in the past by a group of obnoxious characters. As far as obnoxious characters go, however, one specific character begs for elaboration, and that is Carl (Ron Kologie), a mini-ponytail wearing coke head who can often be found in the bathroom, naked and wet, doing a little "indoor skiing." His rapey ways, bad sense of humor and how he tucks his black jeans into his cowboy boots (when he's dry and dressed) should be enough to clue you in on the type of guy Carl is (an awesome guy).

"A serial killer wearing busted ski goggles can mean only one thing…"

"Busted ski goggle vision!!"

There are a few familiar faces that adorn the cast of this minor masterpiece, most notably being Slumber Party Massacre's Debra Deliso who plays Trina, the girl who Jeff was in love with before he took a nosedive to his untimely (possible) death. Joining Deliso is another Slumber Party Massacre alumni and the writer of the masterful 1988 Slasher flick, Iced, Joseph Alan Johnson, who plays Alex, a sort of real estate agent who's trying to sell the group of reunited friends on purchasing the weekend getaway property. Of course, I already mentioned Lisa Loring, who plays the desperate for male attention Jeanette. Loring is best known for playing Wednesday on the classic sitcom, The Addams Family, but in Iced, Loring will be best remembered as the girl whose boobs have more screen time than any other character in the film. And to be honest, she's pretty good looking, and her boobs are right as rain, so I'm okay with the erecti… err, direction her career took.

"Hump day indeed"

"Open up and say AHHHHHHHHHH (sorry)"

As bad as Iced is, I will give the film credit for having a good setting, which is inherent when your movie takes place at a cabin in the snow covered mountains. I'll even give props to the film for focusing on adults who actually have somewhat adult issues, even if their dialogue is insanely bad. However, giving credit for things well done means little, because none of those things matter with a movie like Iced. The lack of skill on display as a piece of "cinema" screams straight to video shit, but it's ineptitude is a major part of its charm. If Iced delivers one thing, it's laughs (and boobs), and regardless of whether or not that was the goal, the achievement shall be applauded.

P.S. Instead of sharing the trailer, which I couldn't find anywhere, here's the entire movie on YouTube! The opening ski race should be more than enough to sell you on this one.

Dear Santa: by Malachai Boardman

Death-cember: Dropping a Yule Log on the Holidays

The ten year old decorations are up, the house smells of cheap booze, depression and self-doubt, and the realization that the magic of the holidays is nothing more than a bowel movement becomes more and more evident with every trip to Wal-Mart. These things can mean one thing and one thing only: the time has come to once again celebrate the holidays in poor fashion, as today marks the first day of

DEATH-CEMBER!

God how I wish that was a sparkly graphic.

With this being the fourth annual Death-cember, all of this is sort of old hat for me, and possibly familiar territory for a few of you out there, too. However, for those of you who aren't longtime readers (lucky dog), I shall briefly explain what all this nonsense is about. Simply put, Death-cember is a month in which I dedicate all of my posts to things that are either holiday or winter related. So every movie I review will either be set on or around a holiday or during the wintertime. I'll also share some other random holiday stuff such as any cool movie related presents I receive as well as some more humor based posts. Pretty much the same shit I do every Death-cember.  

Anywho, I needn't waste anymore of you time, so I won't; however, if you feel as if the holiday spirit is so deep inside of you that you simply cannot leave just yet, then I encourage you to take a few minutes to read some posts of Death-cember past. All you have to do is click on the creepy golden Santa below, and away you will go, you ho-ho-ho!