Dear Santa: by Malachai Boardman

The Horror Hangover

This weeks Horror Hangover is brought to you by corn apparently, and you shouldn't have too much trouble figuring out why soon enough.

SyFy steps up to the horror plate once again with Children of the Corn IV: The Gathering (1996) at 11:00 AM. This fourth film in the Corn series stars Karen Black and a pre-famous Naomi Watts...so that could prove interesting. I haven't watched any Corn movie after the original, which I can barely remember to be honest...but at least Black and Watts have something to bring to the table. Hopefully it's turkey to go with that corn! AHHHH!



At noontime, and keeping with the celebration that is known as Chucktober, Return to Halloweentown (2006) will be on the Disney channel. It's the fourth film in the popular Halloweentown series and has something to do with teens going to witch college? I'm not asking you which college, I'm telling you that they're going to witch college silly head! Cause I am a super Halloween dork, I will put stuff like Halloweentown on and watch it for a little bit...that is, until Lady Suzaka decides to call me a little girl. She's a hater.



The Corn keeps-a-coming at 1:00 PM when Children of the Corn V: Fields of Terror (1998) shows on...you guessed it, SyFy! This one has a very interesting cast with a pre-female Alexis Arquette, Kane Hodder, one of those douchbag Zappa kids, Fred "The Hammer" Williamson, the yummy Eva Mendes, and the late great David Carradine! That cast is enough alone to generate a little interest in the movie...a little. I'm sure there's some undigested Corn in there too.



More Halloween spooky fun comes to us from the Travel Channel at 2:00 PM with, Mysterious Journeys: The Ghosts of Gettysburg! Gettysburg, PA is known to be one of the most haunted locations in all of America, and nothing says Halloween quite like some real life apparitions and specters!

If you'’re too skerred for real ghosts, then you can just keep on enjoying the Corniest marathon in SyFy history! Children of the Corn 666: Isaac's Return (1999) - returns at 3:00 PM and promises more scares that you could've ever expected to have on a Sunday afternoon spent on your couch holding back vomit! Besides being the number of the beast, this sixth installment marks the return of that creepy as shit John Franklin, who played Isaac in the original Children of the Corn...I know you wanna watch now, how can you miss the return of Isaac?!



My pick for this fine and frightening Sunday afternoon goes not to a movie, but instead, I'm taking you back to the Travel Channel for another episode of Mysterious Journeys: The Witches of Salem at 3:00 PM! The true accounts of the 1692 Salem, Mass. witch trials should be more than fulfilling for your Halloween horror needs, and what better way to spend an afternoon, than with a bunch of witches?! Hold on, I may have an answer to that...

You could turn that afternoon into a dinner date with Children of the Corn: Revelation (2001) at 5:00 on...uhm, SyFy! I wouldn't normally go this late into the day as it is past the hangover window, but how can I leave out the seventh installment of this frighteningly husky series, that is guaranteed to leave your ears deaf from all the screaming! Michael Ironside is in it, and Michael Ironside is awesome, so that may be enough to give this one a whirl. Or not.



Have a great afternoon, drunkards! And non-drunkards, of course!