A woman is unknowingly stalked by an obsessive madman who has spent every waking moment watching her every move. After so much time has been spent learning all the ins and outs of this young, innocent woman, the time has come for the man to pay her a visit and do to her what he truly believes must be done. What ensues is an event that will surprise viewers as much as it will shock them.
Written, directed and produced by Stephen Reedy, The Winter Stalker is a 2 minute short film that takes place on Christmas Eve. While the short is indeed very brief, The Winter Stalker’s concept is both nicely executed and effective, delivering a perfectly misleading horror story without any unnecessary bloat.
Give it a watch for yourself, and feel free to let me know your thoughts afterwards!
Well before Bill Goldberg stepped foot in a sleigh with 2005's Santa's Slay, it was 1996 that gave us the original buff Santa with the 1996 Hulk Hogan family/action/comedy/drama/tentacle porn vehicle, Santa With Muscles. Directed by John Murlowski (who has directed at least four Christmas films, a movie called Cop Dog and an Amityville sequel), Santa With Muscles has the distinct honor of being in the bottom 100 on IMDB, which calls to me as much as the top 100 films do. And what doesn't speak to me more than a Christmas film from the 90s staring Terry "Hulk" Hogan as a jacked up Santa that's trying to help save an orphanage? How about you add in Clint Howard as a bumbling cop, Garrett Morris as, well, as no one that was really worth the time, sadly, and Ed Begley Jr. as the film's villain, and you have yourself the perfect recipe for a merry good time.
In the first five minutes of Santa With Muscles, things start out with a serious bang as the viewer is introduced to Blake, while engaged in a hand-to-hand battle with a gardener whom he tells "never stop to smell the roses" after kicking his ass. Next, Blake goes on to fight a chef, a chauffeur and then the gardener again, who attacks Blake with a weed whacker that does very little against Blake's serving platter shield. Seriously, I was pumped harder than a Jersey Shore fist as this was going down. As it turns out, this was all just the daily workout regimen of fitness guru, Blake Thorne, a rich kid that became even richer (and greedier) as he grew older and more successful. The only things that matter to Blake are his physique, money, himself and having fun, despite the rules.
It's Blake's reckless/careless attitude that creates a run in with the law, namely Clint Howard, who's character Hinkley proves that competency is not an attribute found in B-Movie police officers. Blake takes refuge in a mall, disguising himself as a mall Santa, but his costume doesn't fool Hinkley and before you can say HO-HO-H…Blake takes a shitter down a trash chute, getting knocked the fuck out in the process. Can you guess what happens next? That's right, Blake has amnesia and it just so happens that there is a down on his luck mall elf named Lenny (Don Stark) that was offered a fifty spot to find Santa before all the kids waiting to see him go into anarchy mode. You see, Lenny is in deep with a bookie, and when he finds an unconscious Blake he sees an opportunity to get to his money by fooling him into believing that he is indeed, Santa Clause. With Muscles. And blond hair. And a golden tan. And daughter named Brooke.
This newborn Santa discovers his path as he is attempting to play mall Santa, when a group of punks try to steal donation money from a local charity. They are noticed by a young bystander who yells for help, and the golden look of "someone's getting their ass kicked in!" that comes across Blake's face is quite priceless. Needless to say, there is an ass whopping of deserving proportions that pumps up all the bystanders and the children. Santa is a hero. But his heroic efforts are not yet finished as he realizes that the orphanage that the charity was for needed his help. He wasn't sure why he knew this but he did (it was in the script) and with a reluctant Lenny in tow, off he went to save the orphans! As it surprisingly turns out, the orphanage did need Santa's help as the threat of being shut down by a germaphobic mad scientist named Ebner Frost (Ed Begley, Jr.) was lurking ever so closely.
Now, mad or not, why would anyone want to shut down an orphanage? I mean, I guess if you really hate Annie you might want to, but otherwise I see no point. Well, that is unless there's a secret cavern underneath said orphanage. A secret cavern containing some incredibly rare and priceless rocks, the kind that sparkle and illuminate but also have the tendency to explode. Thankfully one of the orphans (played by a pre-hot Mila Kunis) learned about them in school and has the perfect memory to be able to tell the adults exactly what they were and what exactly causes them to blow-up. This was actually a place where the kids hung around from time-to-time, and the fact that there was a cavern under the orphanage where the kids would hang out, but the people who took care of those kids never once thought about checking it out, is kind of odd. I mean, those kids are orphans and all, meaning, they could be doing all sorts of bad shit down there - like making meth and babies - and no one would be the wiser. Great job, adults.
So for much of the film it's Blake in a modded Santa suite vs Ebner Frost and his baddies, filled with heart warming interactions with a bunch of kids that are only a little lame. And of course, there is plenty of over-the-top action to be found. I mean, I never thought I would see a cop try and use a bazooka to take down a criminal that would be facing no more than a reckless endangerment charge. In fact, isn't using a bazooka in public considered reckless endangerment? I also never thought I would see Blake Thorne's low-fat brand of salad dressing used as an oil slick to send a police car off its course. The action isn't the only aspect where Santa With Muscles shows up with a sack full of joy. I actually heard one of the orphans use the line: "see ya, wouldn't wanna be ya!" And of course, everyone laughs and cheers about it. It's amazing. But not as amazing as the moment where the little girl sings actual magic in the church. If I could describe it, I would, but I dare not embarrass myself by trying. Just trust me on this one.
I don't think I've even come close to giving this film its due justice with this review. I only feel as if I barely touched the surface of what makes Santa With Muscles a romp worthy of at least one night of laughter every holiday season, but trust me, this is some cherishable crap. Any film where a bad guy uses an oversized candy cane as a bo staff has a piece of my heart. It's gold. Fucking silver and gold.
Any film starting with a shake-tastic mid 80's disco dance party, complete with jerky, spastic dance moves straight out of crackville will usually capture my attention - and my heart. Toss in a harpooned through the face Santa and you're looking at straight love 4 life. 1984's Don't Open 'Till Christmas (Till, 'Til, or Til?) has both of these things within the first 5-10 minutes, but my heart I cannot completely give to this Holiday themed Slasher, still it's worth a yearly holiday booty call at least.
With an intricate and complicated plot, Don't Open 'Till Christmas is about a serial killer running amok in the streets of London. His target...Santa Claus! No, not the real Santa Claus, he lives in the North Pole not London, I'm talking about dudes rocking the red and white, complete with white beard and bottle of booze Santa. Scotland Yard is on the hunt to capture this Santa Slasher, but how many faux Santa's will be taken out before the authorities can figure out whom is behind these Claus killings?
With an insanely low IMDB score of 2.4, Don't Open 'Till Christmas is a second, maybe even third rate Slasher, but third rate is more than capable of delivering SOME goods. Some being the key word, thus the capitalization. This is one of those movies that is almost so bad that it's good, but it's not quite good enough to make it a must see, unless you are an avid Slasher fan or someone that enjoys B-Movies. I fall into both of those categories, so whatever that says...
Don't Open 'Till Christmas is technically inept at times with some terrible editing and complete lack of continuity between shots. There is no sense of direction in this film at all and often you have no idea where a scare might come from, because you have no clue where the characters are with the lack of flow from shot to shot. The lighting is weak too, but this is a low end 80's Holiday Slasher, so I won't harp on that too much - I will say that the music is so obtrusive at times, it could give Marlee Matlin a migraine.
The one thing about this film that hurts it the most is when it gets slow. That can hurt any film, but the slower parts of this movie are not just slow, they are completely boring...boring to the point that I ended up dusting my DVDs and some of my books during the downtime. Seriously. Anytime there wasn't the threat of a kill, or a naked lady, I was completely checked out. Then there's the killer, who is almost scary, wearing one of those clear masks without any expression on them. However, the way this Kringle killer "smiles with his eyes," just makes him look sort of like Jim J. Bullock in a see through mask.
Boring and clumsy or not, the film is not an entire loss. There are so many entertainingly bad things that happen in Don't Open 'Till Christmas, that I will have a soft spot for it no matter what. There is a street performed flute solo from one of the main characters. There is a chase scene between a couple of punks and a Santa on a bike, who cannot seem to generate enough peddle power to get away from the on-foot rebels. Then there is the best dialogue ever, when a chick dressed up in a Santa outfit tries to hook up with one of the main males characters, he yells "They'll think we're a couple of gays!" Is that like a couple of dollars, or a couple of cheeseburgers?
Oh, the fun doesn't end there...when trying to find the key to the door between you and freedom, the last person you should be asking is the murderer that captured you and is holding you captive. He probably isn't going to tell you...just a thought. And nothing says perfect Christmas present for a 12-year-old kid than a Swiss Army knife. You just never know when little Bobby might need a tiny pair of nose hair scissors or a wine opener. Unless he has aspiration to be a mall Santa that is, then the opener may be a great gift idea.
Now, the real good stuff comes in the form of the kills. I'm serious too. While there are a fair amount of straight stabs, there are also a ton of very satisfying Santa Slashings. The poor Santa's in this movie - they are just getting blasted, plastered, and splattered left and right with a variety of weapons. Axes to the face, knives in the gut, spiked glove to the dome piece, an eye gouging, the before mentioned harpoon through the grill, there's even a Claus cock cut. So at least there are a lot of fun kills to be had and that is a big saving grace for this movie.
You know what, besides being slayed, flayed, and uhh, made...to be dead, Santa is given one heck of a bad rap in this film. Each one of these dude could give Billy Bob a run for his money as they are portrayed as despicable, pathetic losers and all but one of them is bombed. The one that isn't wasted though, is the one that is looking to fulfill his fantasies and dreams, at a peepshow - cause he's a dirty-bird perv! Shit, there is even some child witnessed Santa sex as one of these poor excuses for magic is caught plowing more than his driveway.
So while it didn't completely steal my heart, Don't Open 'Till Christmas made it flutter a bit with its acceptable amount of nudity, entertaining death scenes, and all around awful badness. Still, there is a lot going against it with there being so many dragged out slow moments and lack of movie making skill. For a fan of the genre and anyone looking for a fun party movie, I can recommend this Santasploitation to keep you warm this season. There are worse, but there certainly are better too. Ya know, like Jack Frost, or any of the Silent Night films. Those are high-class art!
Little Harry was just soooo excited as he sat with his mother and younger brother, Phil, while from in between the railing of their staircase they secretly watched Santa Claus as he slid down the chimney and proceeded with his Santa duties. Harry looked on, eyes as wide as can be, as Santa enjoyed the delicious cookies and milk they had left out for him and then witnessed the jolly one as he unloaded a mass of amazing gifts for Harry and his brother to tear open in the morning. Harry was in heaven. That is...until after Harry was supposed to be in bed, he snuck back down the stairs and much to his amazement, Santa was still there! This time, instead of bringing joy to Harry with gifts of magic, Santa is bringing joy to Harry's mother as he sexually caresses her leg while kneeling down in front of her. Santa?! Harry thought, as he could not believe what he was seeing before him. It's as if all his dreams and hopes had been crushed because mom and dad wanted to fuck while playing a little dress up.
While being considered a Slasher as far as genre goes, 1980 Christmas Evil (aka You Better Watch Out or Terror in Toyland) is one of the few holiday horror films with intense Santa Claus and Christmas imagery that is not really a Slasher at all outside of a few choice moments towards the end. That's a bit of a nice change with the amount of holiday Slashers I've been watching lately - though I do truly enjoy them, I am starting to get a little burnt out by Christmas Slasher films. Christmas Evil works much differently than some off the wall Slasher; instead, it is more along the lines of a physiological horror film with a man who slowly succumbs to madness due to the traumatic childhood discovery of his mom as she's about to get munched on by someone whom he thought was Santa Claus.
Harry (Brandon Maggart) spends the rest of his life, right up until adulthood, being completely obsessed with Santa and the Christmas holiday - to the point, that he even works passionately in a toy factory and surrounds himself with creepy Santa paraphernalia. It all seems innocent, and Harry appears to be a nice, well-meaning guy, but he harbors many issues that stem from his past trauma. Harry has no sense of nerve when it comes to dealing with others, who can smell the wimp on Harry, and they use it to take advantage of him. To his peers, he is a nobody and they know they can push him around as if he just doesn't matter. Harry is not without the smarts to notice how he is perceived by others. In fact, he doesn't like it at all, but he lacks the proper jingle bells to do anything about it. Couple this with a piss poor relationship with his brother, Phil (Jeffrey DeMunn), and a life less than mediocre, and you have a recipe for a psychotic breakdown.
Taking his Santa obsession to creepy levels, Harry sees fit to spy on all of the neighborhood children so he can see for himself who is naughty and who is nice. He even has a book for both categories, and he puts each child's name in their respective categorie along with what deeds makes them good or bad. Besides being incredibly odd, this aspect of Harry can almost be perceived as the actions of a pedophile in a way, but I think Harry only has one thing on his mind though, and that is the joy that Christmas and Santa can bring to the hearts of good children. As Harry's sanity begins to slip further, he starts to think it may be up to him to take on the role of Santa Claus. He fashions a dope Santa suit, complete with a realistic looking beard and a sleigh, which is actually painted on the side of his van which is filled with toys.
Harry takes his list of who is naughty and who is nice and sets about to do what he thinks will make him important to people. It is at this point that Harry transforms from the loser that he was, to THE GREAT SANTA CLAUS! Being Santa makes Harry beloved by all, respected by everyone and it gives him a purpose - it gives him everything he does not have as just himself, a schlepy toy factory worker with no backbone. Now he is the almighty giver of joy! And this demented Santa does bring happiness to many, as he dances around a room full of clapping children and adults, who make toasts to this great man and celebrate him the way he has always hoped. Not everyone is down with Claus, though and when "Harry" is given a hard time while under the guise of Santa Claus, he does not appreciate it. Now, as Santa, Harry has the balls to stand up to his oppressors and he does so, by killing them.
Written and directed by Lewis Jackson, Christmas Evil is an exercise in one man's will to be greater than he actually can be on his own. When Harry is Santa, he is something special, he becomes someone that matters. Or so he thinks. To him, he is doing what he is meant to have done his entire life, but his decision-making is clouded and how he deals with the bad boys and girls is where Harry goes all wrong. Even with his good intentions, he cannot fight off his demons and these demons are what drive him to judge people, and when he judges people, they learn a life-ending lesson.
Christmas Evil is a bit slow paced, but to watch Harry go through his different stages of sanity is quite interesting, if not extremely sad. Part of me wants to feel for Harry, but another part of me wants to say, "Quite being such a pussy, Harry!" because he's the one who is too afraid to step up and be a man...too afraid to step up and take control of his own life and how people perceive him. If you are looking for something a little different this holiday season, Christmas Evil is a very solid mind fuck of a film with a very well acted thought out character contrast from when Harry is Harry and when he dons the red suit and magnificent beard to become Santa Claus.
%5B6%5D.png "santawithmuscles (6)")
%5B18%5D.png "santawithmuscles (13)")
%5B26%5D.png "santawithmuscles (14)")
%5B5%5D.png "santawithmuscles (15)")
