Finally, a winner has been picked! If you want to find out who won the Chucktober DVD/Paracinema Magazine Giveaway, then you'll have to watch the video below!
Before you do though, I must apologize for the audio issues. I don't know what it is with me and video, but some shit always seems to go wrong, and this time out I am bringing you my version of Kung-Fu Theater. Which is actually kinda cool.
WOW! FRUIT! YAY? I mean, you might as well just give me an apple with a razorblade in it. At least I can use the razor to cut your phone line and your electric before I come into your home and take all of the good candy you kept to your asshole self.
You know, it sure is getting cold outside and all, but that don't stop me from wanting to show off my midriff to all the neighborhood boys. The only problem is, all of my dangling belly button rings are either dolphins, crescent moons or butterflies! lol! I have absolutely nothing seasonal to decorate my navel with, but thanks to the fine folks over at Body Candy Body Jewelry, I can properly decorate my front porch in the hopes that I can draw a few visitors to my backyard, if you know what I mean.
WOW! There is so much Halloween hotness to choose from, I don't even know where to begin!
One of my favorites is definitely the glow-in-the-dark Sexy Witch, witch, as Kelsey claims, "does glow so bright," something that works as a great distraction from the festering venereal disease that I caught when I let that meth dealer go down on me in Joanne's Chevy Beretta last August. lmfao! On the other hand, I doubt if someone like Billy Bob would really give a turd about a few scabs and warts.
Speaking of warts, I love those pumpkin earrings soooo much! However, nothing, and I mean nothing, compares to the super groovy glow in the dark spider dog tag! Ugh, I wish Cleophus "Rock Salt" Jeremiah was still around to pick me up in his Firebird. I miss those special nights where he'd come by my house at like 2:30 in the AM, and he would be sooo wasted! Boy, we would drive around and listen to Ugly Kid Joe for hours and hours. If he were here to pick me up right now, I would totally give him that dog tag at the end of the night. I bet he would have married me then, instead of getting with that fat cow Linda Mae Macintosh! You do know that's not his kid, right? That pig's been with every guy from here to Chewaback County. And I'M the slut? Whatever. lol!
Anyway, as much as I love all of these adorable naval pieces, Body Candy don't do COD (can you believe it?), so I guess I'll just have to go pick up an 8ball instead.
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Attack of the Jack-O'-Lanterns
Halloween is just around the corner, and no one is more excited that Drew, a young lady who simply adores the holiday with all her heart. Her anxious best friend, Walker, doesn't quite share the same enthusiasm for Halloween as Drew, but he remains loyal to his adorable best bud nonetheless. Regardless of enjoying the fright and fun that can come from All Hallows' Eve, Drew does not enjoy the horrific practical jokes provided by rival girl/boy duo, Tabby and Lee. You see, Tabby and Lee are a couple of wisecracking practical jokers who will more than likely individually die all alone of old age, just like that little fart Stephanie from The Headless Ghost. Every Halloween, Tabby and Lee find multiple ways to scare the living doodoo out of Drew and Walker, and, like J.Lo, Drew has had enough!
Drew, tired and beaten by the horrific pranks that have plagued her ever so devastatingly, finds herself being lent a helping hand in the form of her two old friends, Shane and Shauna. Shane and Shauna promise to help take revenge on Tabby and Lee, and the only thing that Drew and Walker have to do is invite them to go out trick or treating together. Little do they know this would eventually land Drew, Walker, Tabby and Lee in trick or treat heaven, where all the houses are decorated and contain owners who are handing out multiple candy bars the size of Val Kilmer. Heaven indeed. Also, diabetes indeed, but I guess these kids are young and have a few years before they have to sweat the small stuff.
As would be expected, massive helpings of beast like candy bars in a neighborhood straight out of my wet dreams is probably not all that it appears, and that is surely the case here. This is where I stop talking about the episode's plot and talk about some other stuff now.
Coming straight outta Compton on October 26, 1996, during the show's second season, Attack of the Jack-O'-Lanterns is yet another delightful little outing in the Goosebumps pantheon. The Halloween setting is pretty much an automatic win in my book, and there are plenty of fun and/or ridiculous little moments that are worthy of a smile or two (depending on how many mouths you have, of course).
One of the best moments is when Walker and Drew reveal their horrifically lame Halloween costumes. Walker – who, despite his deceptive name, is not a Texas Ranger – is dressed up as a dark and stormy night (don't even ask) while Drew dresses up as a super hero named, ready for it? Super Drew! Super Drew?! That's a bit of a copout, no? Like, if I put on a pair of tights (which I would never do, 'cause I quit ballet) and a mask, I could say I'm dressed up as Awesome Matt and get free candy? Weak, brah.
In any event, Attack of the Jack-O'-Lanterns is a purrr-fect episode of Goosebumps to enjoy on a dark and spooky Halloween night, and I would be remised if… I'm Sorry. I don't know why I spelled the word perfect like that. Purrr-fect?! I guess I was just trying to be seductive, maybe build up my readership through sex appeal, and now I just look like a big fat idiot. Damn it.
Oh well, until next time, kiddies…
As I mentioned in my latest Dumpster Diving for Gold vlog post - which I fully expect you will watch at least ten more times… a day - I have picked up a few great films on DVD that I wanted to use as giveaways for my lovely readers. What sort of prompted me to do a giveaway at this time, right in the middle of Chucktober, was a little tweet I laid my eyes on the other day…
With this incredibly boner inducing news, I figured what better time to giveaway a copy of Undisputed III: Redemption than with a Scott Adkins tweet claiming that there is indeed a fourth Undisputed film in the works? However, there is one tiny little problem here. I must remind you that it is indeed Chucktober, and it's my vow to try my damnedest to keep all content this month horror related, and Undisputed III is certainly not a horror film (it's a Rom-com). That's where you, good reader, win BIG.
To make this shit Chucktober official, I am not only going to give one lucky winner a used copy of Undisputed III: Redemption, I will also throw in a used copy of Adam Green's fantastic Ski lift horror film, Frozen, just in time for winter!
And you know what, to sweeten the pot even more, I'll even toss in one back issue, of the winner's choice (so long as it's not sold out), of Paracinema Magazine (as well as a few other secret goodies!)!
Now, you're probably thinking, "Matt, this is totally radical, but what's the catch?" Well, it's actually quite simple. With only eight days left until Halloween (YIKES!), I would love if you'd share with me your favorite Halloween tradition. What do you love to do every year, more than anything, during the Halloween season? It can be anything whatsoever, and it doesn't have to be all that elaborate, either. Come up with an answer, leave it in the comments section of this post with your name and email address, and you will be entered, simple as that. The giveaway ends at midnight Friday, October 28th (Eastern Standard), so you have exactly one week from today to leave your answer. Soon afterwards, I will tally all the names of those who enter, drop them in a hat and announce the lucky winner in a vlog.
Two of my favorite movies of 2010, an issue of one of my favorite magazines (after Bear magazine, that is), and all for less than the price of a cup of coffee. What isn't great about that?!
Good luck, and I look forward to your answers!
Chalk is simply perfect. For blackboards, hop-scotch and marking the position of a dead body, you just can't beat it. As a snack item, chalk really isn't such a great idea. An even worse idea is trying to give away what is essentially chalk to any child, let alone anyone under the age of 73. Necco. What is that, short for necrophilia? Sadly, necrophilia leaves a better taste in my mouth than Necco candies do.
Adam Gierasch's 2010 remake of Night of the Demons takes the basis for what was done in the original film and applies it to the end destination, with a few minor tweaks added to the journey. Instead of following a small group of teens to an intimate party where everything literally goes to hell, this incarnation populates its shindig with a full staff of party animals. Once again, Angela is throwing the dopest Halloween party in town and everyone is E-vited. As the party rages on and the drugs finally show up (thanks to a tubby Eddie Furlong playing the role that would define his personal life), the cops come in and shut it down. Shortly after the house is cleared out and everyone has left, a handful of stragglers straggle their way back onto the property, only to somehow get locked in. As far as major problems go, being stuck in a house with a handful of good-looking people, tons of alcohol and plenty of music, one really cannot complain. However, toss in a few demons and, well, I suppose the word demon kind of says it all.
In fact, I think it's safe to say that Night of the Demons lacks even the slightest hint of originality, and that comes from all aspects of the film. The characters are masterfully stereotypical, the unnecessary backstory added to the movie is as pointless as it is uncreative, and it would be impossible not to know exactly where the film will go next. On a technical level, well, it's not too bad overall, but there are some serious issues strewn throughout. Specifically, the super sped up camerawork that makes its way through the film's opening party setting, only to slow down and focus on something in a motion much slower than normal (like a sexy girl dancing or someone puking). And of course, this is accompanied by a ridiculous swooooosh sound that's supposed to convey… actually, I don't even know what it's supposed to convey. Awesome party, maybe?
Another issue that this remake suffers from is the fact that the Angela character (this time around played by Shannon Elizabeth) has very little to her in terms of generating any sort of interest. She's completely one-dimensional and more of a coincidental character, wherein the original she was, in a way, the star, or at least a major aspect of the movie. Here Angela plays back-up singer to the character of Maddie (Monica Keena, who looks somewhat less malformed than normal), who is clearly the heroin when the viewer is introduced to her wicked hot friends, both of whom have massive tits and wear skimpy Halloween costumes.
Now, I may sound like I am hitting Night of the Demons with a lot of negativity so far and I sort of am, but that really doesn't reflect my actual enjoyment of the film as a whole. In fact, I actually quite enjoyed it - for what it is. Let's face it, as much love as I have for Kevin Tenney's film, it sure is far from perfect, and I think it would be safe to say that it has almost as many problems, collectively, as the 2010 remake.
The '88 film starts off awfully slow, and the only thing that it has going for it in the first 45 minutes to an hour is Linnea Quigley's introduction (which makes for a great cameo in the remake, it should be said) and some of the laughable performances and hysterical characters. It's entertaining in a very cheesy way, but that's about all until the film finally takes off in the final 30 or so minutes. The remake does a better job of moving things along at a faster pace, however, it does cause for some latter moments where things do begin to drag on.
As for the demon action itself, the original still takes the funfetti over the remake. Regardless, I do like the look of the demons as well as how they interact with each other (demonic orgies are h-o-t HOT!). The approach of the demons, as well as the film itself, is a little more tongue in cheek than the original. Gierasch and co. certainly had a specific vision for Night of the Demons, and that was to make a fun film that can play for a modern audience, while being mostly faithful in spirit to the original. And I believe they were successful, for the most part.
As strange as the lipstick in the tit scene is, there is something about how Quigley does it, something about the dead serious and completely crazed look on her face that has always stuck with me. The scene is recreated (with a slight twist) in the remake in a way that is certainly entertaining, but it doesn't have nearly the same effect. What is even less effective though, is Angela's dance sequence in the remake. What was truly a frightfully seductive and hypnotic highlight in the 1988 Night of the Demons is not even remotely worth mentioning in the remake. In fact, it's kind of pathetic in comparison.
I have my criticisms of the film (and they are definitely warranted) but as I said, I found myself enjoying Night of the Demons 2010. It's certainly no classic, and it's debatable as to whether or not it's even any good, but it does capture the essence of the original film without being an exact replica of it. Despite suffering from some typical, modern-day cinema shortcomings, it feels as if it fits in with the world of Night of the Demons, and, most importantly, I had a good time watching it. Quite frankly, that is really all one should expect.
Will the latest film in the still youthful Paranormal Activity franchise be able to replicate what its predecessors have done in the past? With less than 10 days left before Paranormal Activity 3 receives its major theatrical release across the country, I wonder if there will be enough audience interest to once again generate Activity at the box office, while also delivering something of worth. Personally, I really enjoyed both the first and second Paranormal films; however, I am weary about this prequel to a prequel where we already know the children will be safe.
Based off what I have seen in the trailers and TV spots and what I know of the story, I believe the chances that lightning will strike 3 times is pretty low. I love the idea, aesthetically, of an '80s period piece told through the home video technology of the time. On the other hand, outside of the date and time code, I don't see any real indication that a retro look has been fitted to this film. Moreover (and this is me being nitpicky), who the fuck could afford more than one video camera in the '80s, let alone multiple?!
As for the fear factor, there are some superbly creepy moments strewn throughout the trailers thus far, but unfortunately, there are also some moments that look way too big and overly manufactured for a Paranormal Activity film. In that sense, this is a sequel, so I suppose the ante must be upped, the scares bigger and all that stereotypical sequel jazz that comes with a sequel.
The mathematical chances that Paranormal Activity 3 will be able to deliver some good scares and another story that isn't completely derivative is fairly low. In all fairness though, I was quite weary of the PA2, and I ended up enjoying that film quite a bit due to the smart direction the story took and a few likeable characters (specifically the character of Ali). Regardless of my skepticism for PA3, having Christopher B. Landon return as the writer and the team behind last years fantastic documentary, Catfish, are certainly promising pieces of this equation.
In the end, all of these pregame thoughts mean very little when it comes to the final product (I just like to read myself write), which will not be revealed to me until I make my way to the theater and see the film for myself.
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Previously on Goosebumps at 33…
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The Headless Ghost
That sure is a whole hell of a lot of shit going on to start things off, isn't it? You're probably all like, "what the hell is this crap, huh?" Well, if you're still here after all those crazy photos, this is Goosebumps at 33, a yearly Chucktober tradition (as in, I did it last year) where I watch and review Goosebumps episodes without any nostalgic bias, whatsoeva. The kicker here is I am watching episodes of the much beloved children's horror show, for the first time, through the eyes of a 33-year-old man, who is now actually 34. Details, brah.
First up on Goosebumps at 33, I have a little ditty known as The Headless Ghost, a title that I am positive I will mistakenly type as The Headless Horseman at least seventy-five times.
Originally airing on September 21st, 1996, this season 2 episode focuses on Duane and Stephanie, who have become best known around town as the Twin Terrors of Wheeler Falls. You see, both Duane and Stephanie, who are not actually twins (talk about false advertising), have built a nice little reputation for themselves by pulling off pranks and scaring the poop out of the residents of Wheeler falls. Their main place to practice such tomfoolery is Hill House, a tourist attraction haunted by the ghost of a headless boy. As the tale goes, some moron kid was so into strawberry ice cream (strawberry, really?) that he fell into a dumbwaiter and somehow it decapitated him or some shit. Bet that wouldn't have happened if he was eating chocolate ice cream, because chocolate ice cream is for people that win.
In any event, Duane (who has this marvelous '20s styled Flapper hairdo) and Stephanie grow bored of pulling off such elaborate pranks and decide they need a good, true scare for themselves. They figure the best way to do so is to spend a night in Hill House searching for the head of the mediocre-berry ice cream loving boy. Little do they know, they are in for the scare of their lives.
I suppose the one thing that sticks out in The Headless Ghost is one-half of the Twin Terrors, Stephanie. The best way to describe Stephanie is she is a full on obnoxious busybody, who has little to no redeeming qualities about her. She lacks respect for even the simplest of things, for instance, she uses the term "smooth move," but completely neglects to mention anything about Ex Lax?! Like, listen here, Steph with the lame-ass laugh, that line don't work without the Ex Lax ending, so get your head out of your idiot ass and learn how to rank of peeps properly, kay?
Outside of Steph-fanny face, The Headless Ghost is actually a great episode in the Goosebumps library. It has a nice, creepy colonial setting with the Hill House itself, giving it an instant spooky factor. It would also makes for one of the more serious episode in the series, or at least more so than others that I have seen thus far. It's mostly all about the scares and atmosphere, though there are a few simply adorable moments strewn throughout! One of my favs is a simple little line that plays out in a very funny but subtle way. It involves a scene where a ghost wants Duane's head, so he pointedly tells him, "I need your head, Duane!," at which point Duane simply responds by saying, "I do too…" It's pretty hysterical.
As with every episode of Goosebumps, there is indeed a twist, however, The Headless Ghost breaks free of the oppressive chains of one single boring plot twist by giving the viewer not one but TWO different twists! Yowzaziwowa!! I won't go into detail about either of them (you know, in case you might watch the episode?), but I will say that super-bitch Stephanie learns a little lesson about respect. And thank heaven for that, 'cause that chick pissed me the crap off from moment one.
The Headless Horseman is a solid episode that would certainly entertain any fan of the series, and more importantly, it's a nice way to kick off Goosebumps at 33. Great location, fun story and it's nice and SPOOOOKY!
Until next time kiddies…
Nothing says grubby quite like someone else's slightly warm loose change. Though, if you want to kick the grub factor up a notch, putting that loose change in an old, wrinkled plastic sandwich bag and handing it out to trick or treaters should just about do the trick. It's disgusting, dude. Might as well give out a bagful of your toenail clippings. Do yourself and the rest of humanity a favor, spend the ten spot and pick up a bag of candy, you know, so I don't have to be plagued by your grotesque germs.
I think it's fair to say that the centerpiece of most every home is the television. While the home computer almost gives it a run for its money, the TV will likely rule most households for the foreseeable future thanks to the various amounts of entertainment that it brings. The television is like a gateway, a portal for our video games, TV shows, movies, and even our music to come to life and grant us all the entertainment we could ever want. But what if that gateway were instead used by zombies to cross over into our world so they could tear the flesh right off our bones? This would be the burning question posed in 1987's The Video Dead, a direct to video horror film with a comedic twist.
Written and directed by Robert Scott, (who has done a fair amount of second unit work in, fittingly, television), The Video Dead follows the tale of a possessed TV (or something) that is accidentally delivered to the wrong home. Soon after it arrives, the TV unleashes a slew of shambling zombies that kill the home's sole occupant, leaving the house vacant until a new family buys it a few months down the road. With their parents still abroad, both Zoe (Roxanna Augesen) and her younger brother Jeff (Rocky Duvall) are the first to arrive on the scene. As they are working on getting the house situated for their parents while they are away, Jeff soon discovers the haunted television set, and zombies eventually come a pouring out of it and start jack everyone's shit up. Cable prices totally aren't worth this hassle.
Never has a television been more frightening. Well, except for when Nancy Grace is on, that is.
Made for somewhere around $80,000, The Video Dead very much feels like a cheap, shot on video zombie film. However, despite the fact that it's not shot on video and there is enough money behind it to bring it up a few technical notches, the vibe is very much still there. The setting is simple and secluded, and more than likely the houses used as sets belonged to those involved with the film. The acting is also quite awful, coming from a cast of thespians with very little to none in terms of other film work. Some of the make-up is rough around the edges, and sadly, there is very little gore for a film that one would expect copious amounts of grue from.
Where The Video Dead does sort of sets itself apart from the pack is, despite the unoriginal setting, there are a few cool ideas that come to life in a way that is sometimes visually appealing. Seeing the zombies represented in a black and white film on the television is certainly a nice touch. However, one of the better moments is when the zombies actually come rising out of the screen, something that flat out looks cool. In addition, even if the make-up is a tad sketchy at times, most of the zombies have a great look, which is certainly important in a zombie film. One thing that really surprised me about this movie though, is the level of unpredictability, specifically in the final act. I won't spoil anything, but I will say that The Video Dead has more balls than I would have ever expected going into it.
The Video Dead works perfectly as a party film, but I would be somewhat hard pressed to fully consider it a movie that's so bad it's good, and that's due to the fact that there is a sharp sense of humor laid throughout the film. It's very tongue-in-cheek, almost playing more as a comedy than it does a B-horror film. The character interactions and some of the dialogue is, at times, very funny. Moments like Jeff renaming another character Cow Shit in retaliation to constantly being referred to as boy, or Zoe claiming to be a college Aerobics major are just a few examples of the humor strewn throughout The Video Dead.
Some of the comedic elements I did enjoy, however, that humor does get a little tiresome at times, causing a few dull moments when there shouldn't be. Unless it's VERY funny, I prefer my bad cheap horror to be just that, bad and cheap, and I wouldn't consider The Video Dead to be anything more than marginally funny during the times where it's actually trying to be. I would much rather be entertained by bad acting (which is dealt out in spades in the film) and other such cinematic atrocities than have a film try too hard to be humorous. Simply put, the situations are far funnier than the execution.
Regardless of my minor qualms, The Video Dead delivers the '80s goods in a way that truly fits the time period. It embodies the VHS era in just about everyway with its incredible box art, it's low-budget, the bad acting, and the whacked out zombies. As I mentioned earlier, it makes for the perfect group viewing, preferably with a little something-something to lighten the mood (you know, like heroin), and if you're a connoisseur of this type of film, then it should certainly tickle your pickle. Unless you don't have one, in which case it will have to tickle the female organ that rhymes with pickle. Sickle maybe? How about Travis Bickle?
It is indeed a day of joy for some of us. Those of us who see an entirely deeper level to the colors of the trees as they begin to change as each day grows colder than the last. Those of us who are unexplainably drawn to the sounds of these once vibrant decorations crunching below our feet as we walk the streets, breathing the fresh autumn air into our rejuvenated lungs. Those of us who have an incredible, almost natural draw to the seasonal aisle in almost every single store we walk into (well, maybe not Fashion Bug). Those of us who keep our eyes peeled for anything and everything showing on cable that might give us Goosebumps. It is indeed a day of joy, for those of us who love Halloween.
Now, some of you may have already noticed, but in case you haven't, today is the 1st of October. And with this day in October comes an event unlike any event known to man, the first day of Chucktober!! BAM! Shit just came up and shattered your eardrums with its intensity! But listen up, brah, there ain't no time for shattered eardrums when we have an entire month of Halloween madness to enjoy!
If you're new to these here parts and are not yet aware of Chucktober, well, I suppose I should explain it to you then. It's about as simple as it gets, Chucktober is a month long celebration of all things Halloween, and with that comes a 100% focus on horror. All the movies reviewed as well as any other general postings will either be horror or Halloween related. Now, I know it's not much of a stretch for me to solely focus on horror when the horror genre already makes up about 85% of Chuck Norris Ate My Baby, but it is still 15% more than normal, so there!
This would actually mark the third year for Chucktober (yikes!), and I couldn't be any more excited! Well, I could if I was eating pancakes, but I digress. So, what's in store during this month of macabre? Well, I don't want to outright blow my load, so I won't go into too much detail. Buuut… I will say that there might be a returning segment, a brand new micro-segment, a handful of reviews of movies that should fit in well with the month, and all sorts of other Halloween related shit that will litter Chuck Norris Ate My Baby during the days leading up to All Hallow's Eve!
Now, to get you in the spirit proper, I thought I would provide you with a song about the only (non-wife) love I know, Halloween. Enjoy, and get ready, 'cause it's fucking Chucktober.
That title's a bit of a stretch, but whateva. You see, it's not the title that matters so much as it is the content that makes this post Beyond Thunderdome epic. Best part about it is I didn't even have to write it, because the ever-fantastical Stacia of She Blogged By Night fame has already done so. You see, Stacia has this incredible habit of posting a comprehensive list of "Movies to Watch for" on Fox Movies, TCM and Sundance Channel during the month ahead. And it just so happens that there is a certain little month known as October creeping up and around the corner, and that would naturally mean that many of the films featured on Stacia's list are of the horror variety! And hey, you love horror, don't you?! Sure you do!
So take a moment or two and head over to She Blogged By Night and check out what's in store on three of the best movie channels around (two of which I don't get 
It's been nearly a month now since I first introduced the world to the creature growing in my backyard that doubles as both beauty AND the beast. Within that short amount of time, Bolo has made incredible strides, growing so massive and powerful that even Bud Selig couldn't ignore it. Well, he probably would anyway, but I digress. It has been long enough, with more than enough results, to follow-up with the epic monster that adorns my back yard. That sounds so brutal.
On with it, damn it!
Okay, first things first, here is a photo from the introductory post where I unleashed this bad boy unto you last month. Just to give you something to compare it to.
As you can see, Bolo has grown more than a 12 year old boy looking through those boxes in the attic labeled "Dad's Stuff." Bolo is officially out of control, growing so long that he now has his own transportation system, complete with trains and homeless people. It's incredible.
All that growth and shit is awesome and all, but this thing is here for one reason and one reason only, to suck my…I mean, to produce bad-ass mutant gourds for me to turn into bongs that I can sell to the neighborhood kids. And holy poop has Bolo been barefoot like Contessa since last month. The three gourds pictured above actually started growing shortly after the first post at the beginning of August, and since then, they have just about fully grown. I took a picture of one in my gross looking hand to give you an idea of their size.
So, these first three came out swinging, however, there were a handful more that started and, unfortunately, didn't make it. You see, I had a small surgery on my arm a few weeks back due to an arm-wrestling injury where I was trying to go over the top, but instead, I ended up on the bottom. Sadly, this surgery kept me from trimming the bushes surrounding Bolo, therefore taking away from the amount of sun he was receiving, causing more than a few Bolo abortions.
A moment of silence…
After realizing that the dead babies were being caused by a lack of sunlight, and me drinking a gallon of schnapps, I called upon Oden and pulled out the strength to trim those wicked bushes, therefore giving Bolo the light that he needs to grow strong again! The results, well, within one day, three new baby Bolos came up (with many more lingering) and all look to be quite healthy in their infant stages as you will see below when you look there.
See?!
The two on the right look as if they've been pollinated (due to how the flowers look), but I won't be sure until tomorrow. The one on the left is good to go, and it should be noted that the one on the left has a distinct yellowish/orange bottom that doesn't appear on any of the other gourds from the first batch that you saw up above. Also, none of these gourds, thus far, look at all like the one that I stuck in the ground to start all of this, so I am curious as to how these things will all look in the end.
Alright, that's way too long a post about for me to talk about a plant, but I am proud of my baby boy Bolo and hope you all enjoy seeing his progress thus far. I'll do another update sometime next month, depending on progress, of course. Hopefully by that time, you know, in October (!), there will be some serious momentum and possibly even some new decorations from all of this!
It's September 1st, bitches, and you know what that means, right?! No, it's not time for your monthly urine test that you have to do as a part of your probation. Well, it is, but that's not what I'm here for. Of course, I am talking about Halloween, which is now only 59 days away! I certainly have the fever, and I gander that you do too, so I thought it would be fun if I were to do a special Dumpster Diving for Gold showcasing a few of the cool Halloween items I have picked up on the cheap so far this year.
A few days back, the lady that I fast kiss to rock ballads with and myself went on a journey of Halloween proportions. It was still a tad early for any of the seasonal Halloween stores to be open just yet, but there were a few already bringing that straight grimy Halloween funk. After checking out a few places and getting ideas for what decorations we might want to nab this year, we took a walk into Goodwill where they had a surprisingly nice amount of solid decorations on display.
The first - and maybe the worst - thing that I picked up was this set of light-up hands that unfortunately do not work. As you can see from this gorgeous photograph I have taken, they are meant to appear as it they are rising from the earth, just waiting to wring someone's neck. Instead, they are holding my television for reasons none of us should ever contemplate. Regardless of whether or not they work, together they were only $1.49 for the pair, and they don't look too terrible, so stay they will. Also, the hand holding the remote is from last Halloween, but I loved it so much that it ended up staying there year round. It really comes in handy when dusting my entertainment center.
Next, I have this awesome .99¢ ghost decoration thing, which, in all honesty, I have no idea what it's actually called. I suppose I could look it up, but me sounding dumb is far more interesting a read, I think. We don't have anything in any of the kitchen windows as far as decorations go, but when I saw this fucker, I saw a future for him in the window above the sink. I remember making shit like this when I was a kid, and after picking this guy up, I kind of want to make my own Halloween whatever these things are called to decorate with.
The last two items I have to share would just so happen to be the best of the best of the bunch, and that would be both the skull and the jack-o-lantern tea light candleholders. First of all, these things are pretty great looking pieces that only make my Halloween horror collection all the doper, but to add to the dopeness of it all, they only cost .99¢ apiece! If I were to take a guess, and I will, I would say that the two of these bought at a regular store would at least cost me a five spot for each one, maybe more, so I think I got me a serious deal here.
Now, both look great and all, but to really see them is to see them in their full glory, with lit candles all up in their guts. Which you can see in this not at all dorky video I made below.
Rad, right?! Also, I want to point out the candle on the right of these two bad boys. It doesn't FALL into the dumpster category, but I must mention how awesome it is. It's made by a Cali company called McCall's Country Canning, and I found it at one of those country stores you see in the mall while shopping for boys.
The store had a handful of incredible Halloween and Autumn scents from McCall's, and each one comes in the most Halloween hard-on inducing jar holder with artwork that nearly caused me to start breakdancing on the spot. The scent that I picked up is Pumpkin Spice (which will not be lit until the 1st of October!), and let me tell you, the smell is so intense and wonderful, that I will never again bother to smell the roses. It smells like a pumpkin orgy with me right in the middle, covered in pumpkin spunk. Yumm….
Okay, this post is too long, and it's starting to get weird. Have you found any great Halloween decorations for yourself yet? If so, then please share them with me and the rest of us, whoever the rest of us are!
After a short yet grueling day of work had finally come to a long awaited end
My mind was tired, body beat but no rest as Bolo was still to be fed
I gave him food, gave him blood, gave him my own internal wine
He then arose and flexed his pecs as he felt the rejuvenating strength returning to his vine
I quickly moved my behind inside where I would simply coast and sail
Directly to the couch where a nap would be most certain and without much fail
I made one quick stop as I passed by my sun kissed front door
To check inside the mail box when my jaw dropped and nearly hit the floor
As I began to feel an internal warmth fill deep down inside my core
I slightly screeched as from within my reach came a prize that only one such as I could truly adore
As unexpected as it was this could not have had better timing
With the summer heat that's nearly broken me, for fall's start I have truly been dying
It's a reminder that the greatest time of year will soon be here, so there is no need for me to fret
And my excitement for fall and Halloween is incredible, this much you can surely bet
Now the day is done, my mind content, and I can claim it truly complete
As I plop down on my couch and open up to enjoy this wonderful festive treat
I ignored my TV as there was nothing that could compete on each and every channel
When the greatest thing to me at this very moment is the 2011 Halloween edition of Yankee Candle
As I mentioned in my "Halloween is on the way, and I have a wicked boner because of it" post from the first of the month, I referred to a secret Halloween related something or other that I've been working on. Knowing that you have eyes and you can probably already see the photos down below, you more than likely have a good idea about what I've been up to, but elaborate on the details I shall.
In late August of last year, my wife was given a homegrown gourd by one of her work friends who knew of my obsession with all things Halloween and Fall. I wish I had a picture of it to share with you guys, but unfortunately, I don't. Either way, the gourd was very pumpkin like in shape and color, which I loved, and on my fireplace mantle it sat. And sat. And sat, all the way until sometime in April. Now, my knowledge of gourds is minimal at best, but I was flabbergasted by how long the thing stayed before showing even the slightest signs of rot. To me, that was a sign that this gourd was something special.
In any event, the same friend that had given my friend with benefits the gourd had told her that we could simply toss a gourd in our yard somewhere, and chances are it would grow into magic. Well, being the Fall fiend that I am, I did just that back in April, and there it sat, in perfect shape, for almost two months. I would check on it occasionally to see it still there, straight chillin', fully intact. Then suddenly, from out of nowhere, it was gone! Vanished into thin air, except there was something left behind. A little teeny tiny plant that was clearly not a weed. Within a few weeks the little plant became what I thought was a big plant, which is what you can see here in this first picture that I took on June 28th.
How fucking cute, right?! Anyway, I have done no more than water it almost everyday, and every time my wife or I looked at the thing, we would be shocked at the rate in which it's growing. In fact, it went from what I thought was a big plant into something that is almost uncontainable, as seen in the next picture, which was taken on August 1st.
THAT'S ONE MONTH!!
Remember, this was a gourd that lasted for an inordinate amount of time (I think) on my mantle, so this rapid rate of growth only points to the fact that the gourd was indeed a mutant. Not only that, but the mutant gourd shall produce other mutant gourds, making me Charles Fucking Xavier. You can't see them in this picture, but there are numerous yellow/orange flowers all over as well as a ton of twisting tendrils ready to produce some serious gourd action (or play The Ruins with my skin). And then there are the stems that are so long and thick, John Holmes would be jealous.
In any event, with a creation such as this, there has to be a name. While names such as Eddy Gourdo, Commissioner Gourdon and Gourdon Ramsay floated through my head, I quickly realized there is only one name that can capture the intense mass and burliness of such a plant, and that name is BOLO! Aptly named after Asian martial arts actor, and buffest mofo around, Bolo Yeung.
So there you have it, an introduction to Bolo. If things go as planned and Bolo continues to dominate my backyard, I will continue to give you all updates with photos showing his progress. I have high hopes this all will result in a post where I can share with you whatever greatness comes from this freak of nature.
On a related note, Johnny over at Freddy in Space has (beaten me to!) been sharing in the maturation of his very own home grown pumpkin patch, which he has fittingly dubbed "The Evil Pumpkin Patch," as some of the dirt from the set of The Evil Dead was used to plant it. Head over there and check out his progress if you are fiending for more decorative Halloween madness.
It's that time of year again, kiddies, the time of year where suddenly the mind is taken over, becoming solely focused on one thing and one thing only: Halloween! As the calendar would lead you to believe, it is indeed the 1st of August, and despite the fact that Halloween has already been on the mind the last few weeks, now is the time where everything officially begins to come together. Soon enough shopping centers and other such places of consumption (as well as CNAMB) will become adorned with spooky sounds, creepy crawlers and all sorts of maddening awesomeness, and I cannot wait to take it all in!
So far there have only been a few stray sightings of the good ol' black and orange, starting a few weeks back when I went into a Hobby Lobby to find that it already had a fully decked out Fall decoration section, which consisted of at least two stacked isles of what I referred to on Twitter as: "Halloween pre-cum." Unfortunately, I haven't had a sighting since, but that all changed yesterday when my martial arts instructor and I walked into a Kirkland's - which, for the record, always brings the Halloween pain every year – when I was confronted by this:
Full-frontal Halloween goodness all up in ma face! This was totally unexpected, but from the moment that it stopped me in my tracks, causing a smile to slowly creep up on my grill, I knew that it is indeed on like Donkey Kong.
So my anticipation is at an all time high, and of course, one of the most exciting things for me is the fact that August 1st means that start the third annual Halloween extravaganza known as CHUCKTOBER!!! is only TWO months away! I don't want to get into Chucktober too much just yet, but I certainly will be preparing for what promises to be the best Chucktober ever. Word is born.
And last but not least, I do have a very special Halloween related something or other that I've been working on for the past month and will be sharing with you in the next day or so. It's nothing too crazy, but it is very cool and too much to get into within this post, so wait it will have to. Until then, enjoy some Halloween Hip-Hop via my homeboys, NEtotal. If this doesn't get you pumped up for Halloween, then nothing will!
