Slash Through Summer With These Horror Book Recommendations!

Summer is whack. It’s hot and hot and also hot. Three things that are… you guessed it! Whack. 

Skip all that garbage by grabbing yourself a scary horror book, specifically one set during the hot summer months, and live vicariously through the lives of people fighting for theirs with these summer horrors book recommendations to help you beat the summer heat! 

Fantasticland - Mike Bockoven

When a hurricane hits the coast of Florida, a group of employees find themselves trapped inside of a theme park, where social structure and sanity quickly deteriorate, and chaos ensues. 

Described as Lord of the Flies meets Battle Royal, Fantasticland is told through investigative interviews with the characters involved. The ones that survived, that is. 

You're Not Supposed to Die Tonight - Kalynn Bayron

When the employees of an interactive, slasher-themed summer camp start turning up dead, it’s up to the “final girl” to fight for her survival while protecting her coworkers and loved ones. 

Summerside Lake Massacre - L.R.J. Allen

Following a timeline that bounces back and forth between the 1950s and current-day 1980s, this summer camp slasher weaves a tale that reveals a town's dark past in the bloodiest of fashions.

The Devil All the Time - Donald Ray Pollock

This Southern Gothic tale interconnects a number of storylines that, to put it lightly, are sleazy and completely disturbing. You can feel the sweat and grit with each page turn. There’s a film adaptation, with a terrific cast, on Netflix that might be okay if you haven’t read the book. But please, read the book instead. 

The Blonde Dies First - Joelle Wellington

In this meta-supernatural slasher, a group of lifelong friends accidentally release a demon that begins stalking them on the hot Summer streets of Brooklyn, New York. 

Home Is Where the Bodies Are - Jeneva Rose

While this one is more thriller than outright horror, the book revolves around a trio of siblings who, after being reunited to deal with their mother’s passing, discover a VHS tape that reveals a horrible family secret.

That does it for me. If you’ve read any of these books, then I’d love to hear your feedback. If you haven’t, then, well, hopefully one of these tickles your sweaty summer pickle. 

The 2023 Halloween Party Music UBER MEGA-MIX!

Darkness is abound, completely taking over

As your senses are filed with the smells of October

The blackness is unavoidable as it continues to swirl

So best to embrace it and get ready to twirl

As the sounds begin to pulsate, you feel your heart rate

Continue to rise from its once resting state

The wind howls loudly as it begins to whip

To the spooky sounds that come from the 2023 Halloween Party UBER MEGA-MIX!!

I may not be around much these days, but CNAMB is always in my heart (especially during Halloween), and I’ll be damned if I will not always make an effort to, at the very least, drop the most recent, most sickest, most INSANE Halloween music playlist ever made my a human named Matt who runs a blog titled Chuck Norris Ate My Baby. As always, this Halloween playlist is always evolving and always growing, and I try to mix the videos up so there is variety from one song to the next. I’ve added quite a few new videos this year, and did my best to track down any that may have been pulled from YouPorn, I mean Tube. Well, at least if I notice. I should probably keep track of what I have on this list, but that would be smart. Who the fuck does smart things?

Okay, hope you are all having a sick a TWIZTED Halloween so far, and feel free to send me cash if you feel like it. Bye. Love you.

Salute Your Shorts: Jack Attack 2013

It’s Halloween night in a quaint neighborhood where a young boy named Jack (Tyler Rossell) and his babysitter, Elizabeth (Helen Rogers), are headed home to do a little pumpkin carving. It’s obvious that this is Jack’s first experience partaking in this beloved Halloween tradition, and Elizabeth does a great job making it as enjoyable as she can for the young boy. After they finish with their jack-o-lantern, Elizabeth bakes some pumpkin seeds while Jack gets ready to go trick or treating, and despite the fact that Elizabeth’s boyfriend is MIA, all seems about as perfect as can be on this Halloween night. 

Throughout the first half of this 8-minute short film, there are some genuinely sweet interactions between Elizabeth and Jack, with both actors giving solid, believable performances. It’s almost heartwarming watching the two enjoy the traditions of Halloween together. There’s even a cute little dog to hammer home the warm, cozy feelings. While this charming first half very much feels in line with the lighter, more familial side of Halloween, I think we all know that Halloween isn’t always so sweet, and things suddenly take a dark turn for both Jack and Elizabeth.

Without giving away any of the horrific goods, I will say that If you have a fear of choking or are sensitive to seeing young children in peril, you might be a little turned off by some of the situations that unfold in Jack Attack. But most of you, myself included, will find these elements to be quite effective. There are moments where Jack Attack goes into some pretty gruesome and even frightening places, but It’s not done in a mean-spirited fashion. In fact, Jack Attack blends a tasty mix of horror and fun, which is really the perfect recipe for capturing the spirit of Halloween.

Written and directed by Bryan Norton and Antonio Padovan, Jack Attack features an impressively high level of production value, which is matched by great sound design and gruesomely satisfying special effects. In many ways, Jack Attack almost feels as if it could live in the same world as Trick r’ Treat and feels very much in line with the FEARnet (RIP) Trick ‘r Treat holiday shorts that were being released back in 2011. It hits that Halloween vibe so nicely, and it does so without much time invested, making it the perfect thing to throw on in between that 46th rewatch of Halloween 4 and 5.

Salute Your Shorts: I Love Sarah Jane (2008)

Like most 13-year-old boys, Jimbo (Brad Ashby) has that one girl he is crushing on hard, and despite there being this whole “zombie apocalypse” thing going on, he will do whatever it takes to win the affection of Sarah Jane (Mia Wasikowska).  

Written by David Michôd and Spencer Susser (who also directed), I Love Sarah Jane is an Australian lensed short film that focuses on a group of children living their day-to-day lives in a world that has been ravaged by zombies. While the details are minimal, the kids are left to their own device likely because their parents were killed at some point. To pass the time, some of the kids screw around with a captured zombie and do other things that kids without parents around are apt to do. But this is not the case for Jimbo, who is more concerned with spending time with Sarah.

I Love Sarah Jane looks at young love through the dingy windows of the zombie apocalypse, and does so in a way that is effective in its simplicity and genuine approach. The short features some very high production value with a backdrop that perfectly conveys a world ravaged by an apocalypse, all of which is brought to life by some great looking cinematography. Furthermore, the film has some incredible looking makeup effects on display, specifically with the short’s main zombie (non) threat. 

I Love Sarah Jane clocks in at about 14 minutes, and it’s a wise way to spend 14 minutes of your time, as this is a fantastic little zombie flick that adds a level of humanity that doesn't feel manufactured or generic. Check it out below. 

The Contraption (1977): Despite All My Rage

"Out of all the men in the world, I ended up marrying a bloody mouse."

Written, produced and directed by James Dearden, this 1977 UK made short film stars Richard O'Brien as The Man and Charlotte Cornwell providing the short's only line of dialogue. The Contraption is one of a handful of horror shorts that would appear as filler for various late night programming on the USA Network back in that wonderful era known as the 80s. I first encountered The Contraption at a pretty young age; an age when I was really falling in love with the horror genre, and seeing something such as this at that time in my youth left quite the memorable impact.

When it comes down to it, much of that impact would have to do with one thing, and that is simply how well made The Contraption is. It's effective in its simplicity and grabs your attention only to lead you down a path to a very dark place. The music as well as the sound design are nothing short of terrifying, and with the intricate sounds so amplified - so exaggerated - it is difficult not to get roped into what this man might be doing. With each intense turn of a screw, with every rip of the hand saw, with every smack of the mallet, there is a certain impact that each of these individual moments have in what they collectively lead up to.

The setting is nothing more than what appears to be a poorly lit basement, where the only light that is cast comes from a single lamp above. The darkness of this man's surroundings engulfs his project, making it seem as if he is in an alternate place where all his focus is on the task at hand. In many ways, this dark and empty setting speaks incredible relevance as to where he is emotionally, as he is a man who is working to take his own life, a man who is currently engulfed by the darkest of moments.

Watching a man carefully craft his own demise is quite impactful, seeing him actually do it just furthers that, but what really sets this short on the top shelf of quality is that one little line of dialogue. "Out of all the men in the world, I ended up marrying a bloody mouse." It's that last little touch that adds volume to what was just witnessed on screen. That line of dialogue makes you wonder why he has done this, and in a way, it adds depth to the situation and character, leaving quick theories to stew in the brain for a few moments afterwards. It's what kept a short like The Contraption embedded in a young horror fan's mind for many years to come, and even now, after so many years have passed, it still carries its weight in horror gold.

Salute Your Shorts: Saw Misgivings

A suburban housewife mistakenly gets her head stuck in a Saw-inspired death trap while trying on old clothes in the attic earlier in the afternoon. As unfortunate as that may sound, things become worse when she learns that she cannot remove the device because her baby accidentally swallowed the only key. While the trap is a tad uncomfortable and, more importantly, could possibly rip her head open at any given moment, her biggest concern is getting dinner ready for her judgmental in-laws, who are due to arrive sooner than she expected. 

Directed and produced by David Lilley and written by Mark O'Connell, Saw Misgivings is 7 minute short film that takes a very humorous look at the II headaches that would come as a result of having to wear a Jigsaw inspired death mask while performing the day-to-day tasks of the stereotypical average housewife. How would such a device hamper normal undertakings such as going shopping, drinking coffee, showering, and other various daily tasks? Worse yet, how is she even supposed to get this thing off without digging into her baby’s belly for the key? Worse worse yet, how long does she have until the thing goes off?!

As a whole, Saw Misgivings is a rock solid and humorous tribute to the Saw franchise, successfully lampooning the iconic traps as well as the kinetic style found in the series. All of the jokes perfectly hit their mark, which is certainly the biggest challenge with a short, no-budget film like this, and the performances by stars Vicky Album and Steve McNeil are spot on. Whether or not you are a fan of the Saw films, you will certainly enjoy this brilliant little short, so please take a moment and check it out below, then let me know what you think afterwards! 

PS - Be sure to keep watching after the credits!

SlashDance: Nightmare City (1980)

There was a time in the ‘80s where aerobics was so popular that the fashion and rhythmic aerobic moves integrated itself into anything and everything one could imagine. Naturally, this would eventually lead to aerobics making its way to film, specifically the horror genre. While there are plenty of examples of aerobics in horror (Death Spa, Aerobicide, Murder Rock, Slash Dance, etc), one of the most memorable comes from a small but incredible dance scene in Umberto Lenzi’s pseudo-zombie opus Nightmare City.

This scene in question takes place in a television studio, where a number of beautiful women adorned in powder blue leotards erotically erratically dance in a fashion that, despite their best efforts, lacks any sort of synchronization. I would assume the standards would be higher for TV, but then again, the fact that people actually watch a show where women wearing blue spandex perform aerobic inspired dance moves on a set designed by Milton Bradley only proves that people will watch anything. Considering that shows like MTV’s The Grind actually existed, I probably should have never even questioned it.

In any event, the song used for this moment is titled Sustain, and is provided by legendary Italian composer Stelvio Cipriani. The tune is gleefully upbeat in a fashion that makes one want to put on a pair of roller skates and glide through the streets of 1980’s New York while eating an ice cream cone. Of course, a bunch of nice looking ladies in blue onesies is innocent enough, therefore the song is quite fitting; however, things take a frightening turn when the dead body of one of the aerobiciders (that’s a fake word… feel free to use it) is discovered. At this point all hell breaks loose, as a gang of radioactively infected zombies come bursting into the studio, violently attacking everyone in sight and in a variety of grisly ways.

This scene works for a number of reasons, the main one being the fact that it’s so completely ridiculous. Regardless, it has a way of tapping into a fear; a fear of being overwhelmed by madness without any warning; a fear of being suddenly vulnerable in a place that should be safe, which in this case is at work. Sure, the “infected” are wearing bad suits and their makeup looks like puked up breakfast cereal smeared on their faces, but the dance sequence and subsequent attack scene are a highlight of a film that, despite my enjoyment, is a little uneventful.

SlashDance: Night of the Demons (1988)

Stashed within the confines of Kevin Tenney’s Night of the Demons is a moment where time almost seems to stop, making way for a dance sequence so memorable that it was an easy choice when deciding on the inaugural entry of SlashDance. The setting is Hull House, where a bewildered Sal (Billy Gallo) watches as a demon possessed Angela (Amelia Kinkade) goes into a dance so decadent that even the devil himself cannot help but blush.

Despite being strange in the eyes of the straight-laced Sal, the dance seems innocent enough at first, as Angela erotically tosses her body about to the beat of her own demonic drum. Things become a little more interesting, however, when a boombox mysteriously kicks on, and the screeching sounds of Bauhaus’ Stigmata Martyr come hurtling from the speakers. The sequence grows progressively intense and hypnotic in a way that is in tune with the music blaring from the sticker-laden boombox, as Angela spins herself and the viewer alike into a seductive trance of sexual chaos.

What makes this dance scene work so well is simply in the way it’s brought to life. Not only is Amelia Kinkade an incredible dancer and Stigmata Martyr the perfect song, the sequence is impressively constructed. This is most notable when the strobe light kicks on, something that adds a pulsating level of drama to Angela’s movements. It’s obvious that there are a few randomly cut frames that make it look as if Angela is quickly disappearing and reappearing in different places, something that makes the dance even more hypnotically confusing for both Sal and the audience alike.

While Night of the Demons is a fairly hokey, albeit entertaining ‘80s horror romp, the Stigmata Martyr dance scene stands out as an interesting achievement that elevates past the film itself, leaving an iconic imprint on the genre. It’s a moment that transcends the film as a whole, and that’s saying a lot considering we are talking about a movie where Linnea Quigley partakes in a memorable lipstick nipple breach.

Anatomy of A Murder Scene: Blood Feast (1963)

Blood Feast opens in what is either an homage to Psycho or a complete rebellion against it. The setting is virtually identical, taking place in a bathroom where a familiarly beautiful blond woman (Sandra Sinclair) is taking a bath. As the woman settles in for a nice long soak, a knife-wielding madman attacks the woman as she screams in agony and fear as her life quickly escapes her body. Immediately after his victim’s final breath, the man takes a brief moment to take in what he has just done, at which point a sadistic grin forms on his face in a fashion that could either come from pride for a job well done, or the happiness knowing what bloodshed was still to come.

The camera then takes a few moments to pan across the carnage, revealing the woman’s lifeless body, strategically covered in soap suds in a way that allows just enough of her breasts to peak through and possibly titillate certain viewers. More importantly, though, this is where it is revealed that the killer, Fuad Ramses (Mal Arnold), has removed the woman’s left eyeball, showing what would have only been imagined by the audience up until this point in genre cinema.

With so much grotesquery and carnage, this might have been a perfectly suitable way to end an opening murder scene, especially in 1963. However, this is only the start of what Ramses has planned for his victim, as he then goes on to hack away at her left leg until it is completely dismembered. Ramses then places his new possession into a black duffle bag, carefully cleans off his weapon and leaves the viewer to linger on the woman’s bloodied hand, no longer having the life force necessary to resist gravity, as it slowly slides down the side of the bathtub, leaving behind a streak of viscera.

Herschell Gordon Lewis’ Blood Feast did what no other film had done before, in that it showed on-screen violence and the gore that came with it, albeit in the crudest of ways in comparison to today’s standards of filmmaking. I find it utterly fascinating how Lewis opens Blood Feast with a scene that is, in essence, a dirtier reflection of Psycho, which had come only 3 years earlier. Hitchcock made us believe we were seeing Janet Leigh as Marion Crane be murdered on screen with expert editing, brutal sound design and an ear piercing soundtrack, though never was there any penetration shown, let alone much actual bloodshed.

Psycho’s shower scene is one of the greatest and most respected on screen deaths in cinema history, and that is due to the audience's’ imagination being allowed to work overtime, filling in the gaps of of what Hitch showed them. By the time we would get to 1963, and Herschell Gordon Lewis was looking to get people’s butts in theater seats, he had to do something that no one had done before. And that’s exactly what he did with Blood Feast, and never is it more apparent than in the film’s opening ‘bloodbath sequence’.

This opening death makes a statement by taking the familiar setting of Psycho and pushing the envelope much further, almost mocking what audiences had seen in that famous shower scene. It was an opportunity for a ballsy filmmaker to say to the audience: you think what you saw in Psycho was horrific? Wait until you see what WE have in store for you! As Blood Feast’s antagonist murdered, hacked and mutilated his victim - all things that were certainly not present in Hitchcock’s film, let alone any before it - this opening threw down the gauntlet.

Blood Feast is an otherwise forgettable and completely inept horror flick that became the jumping off point for a different type of horror picture. It changed the landscape of horror cinema, birthing an audience that now had an insatiable hunger for gore and violence, and for films that pushed the envelope of good taste. The opening bloodbath sequence sets the tone for the movie, but more importantly, it set the tone for horror to come. Blood Feast, and its opening scene alike, is a statement; it’s two fists slamming down on a desk with the declaration that horror will never be the same. And quite frankly, it wasn’t, regardless of whether or not that was Lewis’ intentions.

The Houses October Built (2014): This Old Haunted House

Five friends go on a road trip to find the most extreme haunted houses in America, all while hoping to uncover and document something more sinister than your average haunt. While the group come across a few creepy things along the way, their trip turns up very little outside of sporadic rumors about a traveling haunt that is considered the craziest of them all. As they increase their search for this mysterious haunt, things start to take a dangerous turn when a group of very disturbed people begins to mess with them, putting the friends in a situation far more intense than they had ever anticipated. 

Directed by Bobby Roe, The Houses October Built is a found footage style horror flick that does little to differentiate itself from the pack in terms of execution. Where the film does sometimes excel, however, is in its overall concept and some of the ideas that are able to bleed through the thick layer of predictability.

The film is essentially a documented look at a group of friends as they travel from haunt to haunt, all the while trying to gain some insight into what makes some of the people who work at these things tick. For some, working at a haunted house is a fun and thrilling way to spend the Halloween season, while there are others who could potentially use the platform as a way to work out some anger on unsuspecting patrons. Throughout the film, the group of friends hear stories about how there’s always the chance that some haunted house employees could be a danger, and no one would know beforehand as there are no pre-employment background checks and other things of that nature. Furthermore, and this is specific to the Midwest locations in the film, many of these haunts are located in very rural areas, where sometimes things can be, well, a tad sketchy.

One of the more frightening elements of The Houses October Built is the fact that it’s difficult to differentiate between what situations and people are actually dangerous and what aren’t. They’re dealing with haunted houses, after all, and the actors at these haunts – especially at some of the more successful ones – will very rarely break character. In fact, many times they’ll do whatever it takes to scare a person, short of harming them of course. Or at least that’s what we hope. The truth of the matter is, you really never know what lengths people will go to mess with you, let alone how far they'll actually go. Worse yet, who’s to stop them before it’s too late?

As far as the cast is concerned, the five friends have a very natural rapport with one another, which is likely due to them being friends in real life. While they’re able to play off one another in a natural and realistic fashion, they're not exactly the most fleshed out group of people, let alone the most likable. There's a certain level of disrespect and ignorance a few individuals give off at times – especially in terms of how they look down on the “backwoods” people who are running these haunts –  and that is exactly what puts them in such a rough situation with the locals. Are they so bad as characters that they deserve to be terrorized in the fashion that they are? Not in the least, but it's not always about what one deserves, especially within the confines of a horror film.

An unfortunate component of The Houses October Built is the naivety that plagues the five main characters as a collective. As events unfold throughout the film, at some point one would assume these characters would see enough warning signs to pack up and head the hell home, no matter what anyone else says. It's certainly a trait attributed to found footage films – specifically the one character constantly talking everyone into seeing this thing through to the end, no matter how sketchy things may get – and it's a fairly frustrating element at times, especially in the final act.  

One of the more enjoyable elements of The Houses October Built are the haunted attractions the characters visit. Not only does the film do a good job of showing how effective a haunted house can be – especially a really good one – it conveys the enjoyment that can come from being in such a freak show like atmosphere. It certainly works much better than the unnecessary strip club scene that serves no other purpose than to fit some obnoxiously fake boobies into the film.

The Houses October Built is a fairly predictable affair and certainly simplistic in terms of narrative, but it builds tension by presenting a situation that, while a tad far fetched, is plausible. At least in terms of the unsafe situations in which the naive characters put themselves in. If only the film could have fleshed out its ideas a little more proficiently and made better use of some of the more effective imagery – such as the little girl in the white mask, who is utterly frightening. As a result, The Houses October Built is nothing more than a minor and slightly stale treat to be enjoyed around the Halloween season, and nothing more.

 

"People Are Talking" Halloween TV Special featuring Steve Vertlieb

While wandering the crowded halls of YouTube recently, I came across this enjoyable Halloween special that aired sometime in the early 1980s (maybe ‘81 or ‘82). The show in question, People Are Talking, was hosted by Richard Bey, and this particular episode features a genuinely interesting interview with film journalist and historian Steve Vertlieb.

One thing that I enjoy about this special, specifically the interview with Vertlieb, is the fact that horror films aren’t being chastised, something of which was very common for this type of show during the time period. Instead, this interview and the special as a whole is more of a celebration of what makes horror enjoyable for people of all ages. There is some discussion about how horror evolves to reflect modern society as well as how horror films can be a positive escape for some people.

Now, that’s not to say there isn’t an obvious undercurrent of fear and trepidation about the genre in question, which is most obvious when the conversation turns to snuff films, a topic that is delved into when a caller asks if Tobe Hooper’s The Funhouse was indeed one of these snuff films. The thought that this caller actually believed that people were being murdered in The Funhouse because the deaths looked so real is absolutely bananas, though it is also very reflective of the times. On a side note, the look on Richard Bey’s face as Vertlieb talks about snuff films is priceless.

The special also features some great moments in which audience members share what scenes from horror films have frightened them the most. It’s hard not to smile as middle-age moms talk about House of Wax and Creepshow. Also strewn throughout the special are clips from films such as Tales of Terror and Carpenter’s Halloween as well as random check-ins on an audience member having some “horror makeup” applied to her face.  

While the video runs over 12 min long, unfortunately it is not complete, as the special is cut off at the first commercial break. Regardless, there’s more than enough here to enjoy for horror fans and those of us who love Halloween, so I highly encourage you to give it a watch. 

Oculus (2014): Reflecting on Childhood Trauma

A pair of siblings face off against a mirror with the intent of proving that it caused the death of their parents. In doing so, however, the siblings must face the realities of the intense trauma they were forced to endure as children.

Co-written and directed by Mike Flanagan, Oculus gives off a brooding sense of dread from the very start. The low-key, pulsating music that lightly pounds away indicates a feeling of unease for the viewer and characters alike. It’s immediately clear that the two main characters, Kaylie and Tim Russell (Karen Gillan and Brenton Thwaites), have a very dark history that stems from their youth, and the siblings have dealt with these issues in differing ways. Where Kaylie believes that their troubled past, specifically the death of their parents, is a direct result of a haunted mirror, Tim – who was just released from a mental institution for murdering his father in self defense – believes that everything was a result of their father being crazy.

Taking place primarily in one location (the house that Kaylie and Tim grew up in), the film’s narrative bounces back and forth between the present – where Kaylie is trying to prove that the mirror is evil – and the past, where the sibling’s history is revealed over the course of the film. The events from both the present and the past run parallel together in a manner that effectively reveals the perfect amount of information at the right time, making the narrative approach an effective storytelling tool. This is especially true during the film’s final act, where the line between the present and the past begin to blur, as does the line between illusion and reality.

Oculus shares a number of similar themes with Flanagan’s previous film, the solid and atmospheric Absentia. Themes of mental instability and a fractured family unit are as much a drive of Oculus as the mirror featured within the film. Flanagan’s script takes a hard and difficult look at a variety of familial issues such as infidelity, spousal abuse, child abuse, and abandonment. The way in which these family problems can and do affect children is front and center of it all, which adds an impact far more terrifying than that of any monster, ghost or demon. These familial issues carry weight because they are, in one way or another, reflective of the types of issues that many children are forced to deal with in real life. No matter what your socioeconomic situation may be, almost every child will face some form of varying hardship, which is often amplified simply because they are in fact children. Children are quite vulnerable at the mercy of their parents, something of which is effectively featured in Oculus.

Where Flanagan has shown a penchant for creating atmosphere and dread, he is also showing increased growth as a visual filmmaker. Guided by crafty cinematography by Michael Fimognari, Oculus is highlighted by an impressive visual prowess. The camera movement and tracking shots featured early in the film flawlessly flow throughout the single home location, giving the viewer ample opportunity understand the layout of the home while also getting a grip on the characters and their specific situation. There are also moments of great technical subtlety, leading to a steady stream of tension during key scenes, especially during the film’s final moments.  

Highlighting the impressive filmmaking and script are stellar performances by a small but dedicated cast of actors. Kaylie and Tim’s parents, Marie and Alan (Katee Sackhoff and Rory Cochrane), bring intensity to the screen without ever going too far over-the-top, which would certainly be the easiest route to take with such a film. The standout performances, however, are equally shared by both Karen Gillan and Brenton Thwaites, who play Kaylie and Tim as adults, and Annalise Basso and Garrett Ryan, who play the characters as children. The film weighs heavily on these two characters both in the past and the present, and all of their performances steadily support the intensity of the story in a way that transcends your typical horror yarn.

Where the current state of theatrically released horror seems to be stuck in a rut of unoriginality and bland trends, Oculus is a rarity in that it delivers an original story that is both accessible and intense. The cheap thrills are kept to a bare minimum, allowing ample time to develop strong characters to go with the well-crafted horror elements. Creativity and care are attributes that seem to be missing in theatrical horror as of late, and it is these attributes that set Oculus apart from the rest of the pack.

Private Parts (1972): Filthy Fairytale

*Disclaimer!* I wrote a handful of articles for a now defunct e-zine called BthroughZ a number of years back, and when that site went belly up, so didn’t the reviews I wrote for it. I didn’t want to lose the articles I worked so hard to write, so over the next few months I will be reposting them here for your enjoyment.

1972’s Private Parts follows the exploits of an adventurous teenage girl named Cheryl (Ayn Ruymen). When Cheryl is first introduced, it is learned that she stole money from her parents and fled the state of Ohio with her best friend so they could live the high life in Los Angeles. After a less than positive run in with her best friend/roommate, Cheryl steals her friend’s wallet and flees the scene--just as she had done with her parents--to find something better than being judged and yelled at constantly.

With a small amount of cash and nowhere else to go, Cheryl makes her way to a rough area in L.A. and ultimately to her Aunt Martha’s (Lucille Benson) hotel. Not really a hotel as much as an apartment building, Cheryl talks Martha into letting her stay there for the time being, and in return, she will help out around the hotel to earn her keep. Filled with many eccentric and strange residents, this hotel is not the normal stomping ground for a youthful girl such as Cheryl. Furthermore, the hotel is filled with numerous dark and dangerous secrets, most notably being the hotel’s resident serial killer who preys on any unwanted trespassers.

While the hotel has a murderer running around it’s colossal hallways, Private Parts is not a slasher movie. There are certainly some elements, but this one is something entirely different. In fact, I would consider it to be more of a fantasy film, but a fantasy film that is definitely not made for kids. Well, unless they’re feral.

Cheryl’s proverbial ‘rabbit hole’ is the entrance to the seedy hotel, which is filled with fantastical characters who are clearly not facets of a ‘normal’ real world. All of the hotel’s inhabitants are odd and varied in their strangeness, with one character who frolics around dressed up as a priest but really seems to enjoy the company of big strong men. There’s the usual crazy old lady lurking the halls, spewing weird shit about a girl named Alice to anyone who will listen. And then there is George (John Ventantonio), a creepy photographer who mostly keeps to himself, but has some very unhealthy sexual issues.

Cheryl is attracted to George, whose reclusive and dark nature is undeniably appealing to Cheryl, and the two characters come to indirectly play a game of unhinged cat and naive mouse. However, mouse or not,  Cheryl is very much a willing participant in this game, and her fairytale adventure is mostly driven by her curiosity towards sex. Cheryl, who hates being looked at as a child, seems to believe the way to becoming respected as an adult is through sexual activity, and she pursues this activity in a fashion that’s both innocent and very aware.

Cheryl is driven by her sexual desire, and with a wide eyed curiosity she looks to do something that she is not familiar with; something that stimulates her growing feminine needs. Young or not, Cheryl isn’t intimidated by the more ‘out there’ aspects of sexuality. Some of the acts that George asks Cheryl to participate in are things that would creep out the average girl, especially a young one. This is not the case with Cheryl, as she seems to be intrigued by the sexual adventures, possibly seeing them as a way towards being liberated from childhood.

Ayn Ruymen, who plays Cheryl, is absolutely terrific. She is the driving force of the movie, and watching Cheryl slyly navigate the halls of the old hotel--curiously investigating all the little secrets that the hotel has to offer--is very enjoyable. This is really where you see that no matter how sexual she wants to be or thinks she is, Cheryl is just a kid; a child exploring a place that offers curiosities that most girls of her age would find to be taboo. Ruymen, who was much older than the age of her character, captures this youthful inquisitiveness very well, and it’s easy to feel as if you are right alongside Cheryl on her adventure.

While the fantasy and sexual elements are a major part of its DNA, Private Parts still has a lot of horror elements. The hotel setting is creepy and filled with many dark corners, creaky floorboards, and quirky little intricacies that make it a nice visual world for Cheryl to explore. Though they are few and far between, there are also a few murders, but the horror aspect of the film really comes from the undercurrent that something sinister is going on, and very few people seem to be aware of it.

The hotel does harbor a dark history, and this is further compounded by Aunt Martha’s constant warnings for Cheryl to stay inside and keep away from the other tenants. Under a seemingly normal and stable guise, Aunt Martha herself is as odd as the rest of them, especially the way in which her personality can change from one moment to the next. One second, she warns Cheryl to just keep safe and out of sight, and in the next she is preaching abstinence and yelling about how she will not put up with any painted whores in her home. Martha plays the cautionary role, but in true fantasy form, she would appear less than trustworthy. To an extent, Martha is protecting Cheryl, but she is also clearly hiding some very dark secrets.

Private Parts is directed by genre legend Paul Bartel. Bartel’s direction is very solid in Private Parts, with its biggest strength coming from its subtlety. There are little flashes of eye catching style that show up from time to time, but these touches are subtle, which works perfectly for bringing to life the film’s fantastical elements. To go too far with the visuals could have taken away from the base realism of the movie. These slight touches are just small reminders that there is something off about the world that Cheryl is in. It’s a skewed reality but a reality nonetheless.

There is plenty I didn’t touch on in this review of Private Parts, but I plan on touching Private Parts as much as possible, and I encourage you to do the same. It’s an odd little film that will leave you contemplating some of the deeper aspects long after sitting through it, which for me is the mark of great filmmaking.

 

The ABCs of Death (2013): Horror Alphabe-DIE-zed

The concept behind The ABCs of Death is simple yet somewhat brilliant in theory. As the title suggests, this anthology film consists of 26 tales of death brought to life by 26 different directors, each of whom was given a letter of the alphabet to focus their story on. Each filmmaker was given free rein to do whatever they please with their story, so long as the title began with the letter they were assigned as well as a death to go with it.

As I said, brilliant in theory, but does The ABCs of Death deliver on its concept? Well, it’s difficult to review a 26 story anthology when there are so many parts that make the whole, so what I decided to do was give a simplistic mini-review for each short followed by a letter grade. This way you can skim each one and get a feel for how I reacted to each and every story as well as get an idea of my general thoughts on the film as a whole.

Before you move forward, however, it should be said that I mostly copied the notes that I took when I watched the film, so there will be moments where I break from the segments to talk about my feelings on the film at certain points during the movie. A sort of editor’s note, if you will, all of which will be wrapped around by a pair of *asterisks*.

A is for Apocalypse
By Nacho Vigalondo

A confusing look at a wife as she attempts to murder her husband while the apocalypse unfolds around them. Doesn’t make much sense, but it’s nicely shot and there is some seriously brutal knife violence.

Grade: B-

B is for Bigfoot
By Adrian Garcia Bogliano

A horny couple attempt to scare a young girl to sleep with a terrifying bigfoot story, giving them the opportunity to “bone” without interruption. Using such tactics for selfish means, however, bites the couple in the butt in this basic story that feels a little hollow.

Grade: C+

C is for Cycle
By Ernesto Diaz Espinoza

A well made and fascinating time travel focused short that follows a man through a time vortex located in his backyard shrubbery. This one does quite a bit with a little time.  

Grade: B

D is for Dogfight
By Marcel Sarmiento

D is as simple as a man fighting a dog in an underground street fight. Well, dogfight, would be more fitting, I guess. This one is, overall, satisfying and certainly gorgeous in terms of photography and the dazzling use of slow motion.

Grade: C+

*I’m very impressed with the high production value on display thus far. So far each short looks pretty fantastic and has its own distinct style.*

E is for Exterminate
By Angela Bettis

A creepy crawly tale about a man and the spider that is constantly “bugging” him. This one features some nice CGI work, and it’s simple premise makes for a satisfying little slice of horror comedy that, overall, feels complete as a short film.

Grade: B

F is for Fart
By Noboru Iguchi

A Japanese girl farts, which set off a series of transcendent female farting in this short that’s almost too strange and silly to enjoy. And that’s coming from a guy who LOVES farts. Especially his own.

Grade: D

G is for Gravity
By Andrew Traucki

A first person account of a man who drowns himself in the ocean. Too simple to be satisfying let alone poignant.

Grade: F

H is for Hydro-Electric Diffusion
By Thomas Malling

Seemingly set during WWII, H features a human-styled dog enjoying a strip tease from a human-styled cat who, unbeknownst to the dog, is a Nazi who wants to steal his power. I think? Outside of the visual look and the strangeness of this one, it didn’t capture my attention in any way whatsoever.

Grade: D+

I is for Ingrown
By Jorge Michel Grau

A woman is held captive by a man who injects her with something. I don’t know... this one looks great, but makes little sense.

Grade: C-

*By this point, The ABCs of Death is getting a little tedious, and I’m not even halfway through it yet. This does not bode well for my future...*

J is for Jidai-geki (Samurai Move)
By Yûdai Yamaguchi

A Japanese man makes a bunch of silly faces before committing Seppuku. That’s it.

Grade: D+

K is for Klutz
By Anders Morgenthaler

A nicely animated tale of a woman dealing with her turd, which has come back from the toilet to haunt her. Meh.

Grade: D+

*Yeah, things are getting very bleak.*

L is for Libido
By Timo Tjahjanto

A couple of men are strapped to chairs and forced to masturbate to an array of disturbing imagery. If they refuse to tug away, they get a spike in their butt. An unnecessary attempt at being controversial and shocking when it does a better job of coming off as stupid and pointless. Even the nudity cannot help this one out of the bottom of the barrel.

Grade: F

'M is for Miscarriage
By Ti West

A woman is shown fetching a plunger so she can unclog a blood-filled toilet. Despite being Ti West, who often makes movies that go against the grain of the genre proper in a way that can be almost alienating, I have a feeling he mailed this one in without much thought. Very unfortunate.

Grade: D-

N is for Nuptials
By Banjong Pisanthanakun

A man surprises his girlfriend with a talking bird who helps him make a proposal, but the bird soon sends him to the doghouse. Kind of funny. I guess.

Grade: C-

O is for Orgasm
By Bruno Forzani & Héléne Cattet

Seen through a series of brilliant imagery and fantastic sound design, a woman achieves the orgasm to end all orgasms as well as her life. Those familiar with Forzani and Cattet’s Amer will have a good idea of what to expect and likely see the brilliance of this one. Those who have not, however, will likely hate it.

Grade: B+

*Even after this solid and much needed entry, I cannot believe that I am still here taking notes and watching this thing. Again, tedious comes to mind, and I’m starting to feel like I’m knowingly wading into shark infested waters.*

P is for Pressure
By Simon Rumley

This one follows a financially poor woman who goes to extreme measures to provide for her children after a boyfriend steals all of her money and leaves her. I was a little confused about this one, but I think there’s a lot of depth that might be better appreciated upon multiple viewings.  

Grade: C+

Q is for Quack
By Adam Wingard & Simon Barrett

The filmmakers break the fourth wall and play themselves as they attempt to figure out how to deal with the crappy letter they’ve been dealt, Q. This is certainly one of the more entertaining shorts, and the ending is as satisfying as the humor.

Grade: B+

R is for Removed
By Srdjan Spasojevic

Surgeons remove patches of skin from a man’s deformed back only to reveal that each portion of skin is a piece of film stock. This one looks pretty good and I dig the body horror, but I have no idea what the hell is going on, nor do I even care at this point.  

Grade: D+
 

S is for Speed
By Jake West

Grade: D-

*With this last one, I have simply become tired of taking notes for each letter and, worse yet, I’m tired of paying attention. I’m almost completely checked out and only in it for the review by this point. These waters are getting very choppy.*

T is for Toilet
By Lee Hardcastle

A funny claymation short about a boy who takes a deadly poop.

Grade: B-

U is for Unearthed
By Ben Wheatley

This short is all shot from the perspective of a demon who is under attack in the woods by townsfolk and clergy, who seem to be attempting to exorcise the unseen creature.

Grade: C

*Again, my energy to keep going here is nearly depleted. The temptation to turn this thing off is starting to take over. Will I make it?! Seriously, I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown.*

V is for Vagitus (The Cry of a Newborn Baby)
By Kaare Andrews

A cool looking sci-fi actioner with some great special effects and a moderately intriguing premise.

Grade: C+

W is for WTF!
By Jon Schnepp

Another short featuring the filmmakers trying to come up with ways to deal with the letter W, all of which are nicely realized in some form or another. Similar concept to ‘Quack’, but actually very different in its end result.

Grade: C+

*ALMOST DONE!! YAY!!!*

X is for XXL
By Xavier Gens

After a bunch of assholes make fun of a heavy set woman, she goes to extreme measures to measure up to the perception of women in magazines and on television. The results are absolutely brutal and quite satisfying.

Grade: A-

Y is for Youngbuck
By Jason Eisener

A revenge tale that gives a young boy the chance to get back at a creepy pedophile. This one really delivers as a whole and features some gorgeously garish style drenched by a seriously badass soundtrack.

Grade: B+

Z is for Zetsumetsu (Extinction)
By Yoshihiro Nishimura

Not all that positive about what’s happening in this one, but there’s a lot of nudity and Nazis featured in this psycho-sexual orgy of nonsense. Whatever.

Grade: D

*DONE!!*

There are few words that I can use to describe how badly The ABCs of Death fails. Regardless of the few strong entries and interesting concept behind the film, this anthology is simply an inconsistent mess that does nothing to keep the viewer hooked for more than a few segments.

I do love that there's so much diversity in style and with the directors involved, and having filmmakers from so many different countries contribute to this piece is fantastic; however, that is also a part of the overall problem, as The ABCs of Death simply doesn't feel cohesive as a piece of anthology cinema.

 

House at the End of the Street: Tanks for the Mammaries

Somewhere up the road from the House on the Edge of the Park and just around the corner of The Last House on the Left, you will find the House at the End of the Street. I suppose if you were a little more optimistic, you could consider it the beginning of the street, but optimism isn’t a trait that will do much good for you going into this urinal stain of a film.    

Directed by Mark Tonderai, House at the End of the Street (or #HATES, if you’re a big Twitter user) is a psychological thriller starring Jennifer Lawrence as Elissa, a young woman with a voice so beautiful she sounds absolutely perfect whether she’s singing in the woods or a garage, but I digress. Elissa and her single, overprotective mother (played by Elisabeth Shue, who looks fantastic despite the tiredly written character) have just moved from the mean streets of Chicago to the not so mean gravel roads of some place in the woods. A place that, on the surface, seems safe, but little do they know that just four years earlier a little girl slaughtered her parents... in the HOUSE AT THE END OF THE STREET!

Being the new gal in the wooded ‘hood as well as being the lead singer in the sickest band in Chicago, Elissa is getting a lot of attention from all the boys, specifically a young loner type named Ryan (Max Thieriot). Ryan has a bit of a bad rep around town due to the fact that he is the oldest son of the people who were gruesomely murdered in the HOUSE AT THE END OF THE STREET! Worse yet, he still lives in the very house at the end of the street where his parents were killed, something that really ticks everyone off. Regardless, Elissa and Ryan hit it off, and it seems that all the negativity driven towards Ryan is unwarranted, so she’s all ready to drop her drawers for him at any minute. However, when your parents were slayed by your very own sister in the very house at the end of the street that you still live in, you are more than likely not to be trusted. Unfortunately for Elissa, this is the case.

It’s okay, though, because the power of song will protect us like a warm blanket on a winter’s day.

House at the End of the Street gets full use out of the word ‘generic’ in terms of storytelling and character development. In fact, it’s only a few dollars and a handful of good actors above a Lifetime movie, though at least most Lifetime movies can be pretty entertaining. While mostly a technically well-made film, hashtag hates is plagued by some horrific, random editing choices as well as strange attempts at stylized camerawork. I almost applaud the fact that there is an actual attempt at style, but unfortunately it’s as successful as me “attempting” to be Mr. Universe. The dialogue also shines about as brightly as sandpaper, as there are moments where characters barf out some utterly atrocious dialogue. One specific moment in particular is a scene where Elissa and her friend are talking about one of the boys in school:

Friend: “He’s a dick!”
Elissa: “He’s worse than a dick... he’s a dickhole!”
Friend: “Dickhole’s the new asshole.”

*laughter*

Me: “What the fuck.”

Moving on (and thankfully so), I feel as a member of society I am obligated to talk about one of the biggest stars of hashtag hates:

Elissa’s White Tank Top

The white tank top is THE perfect attire for the slightly dirty (but not, like, gross dirty), sweaty girl in peril, who also happens to have a very healthy amount of milk in the fridge. Oh, how the snuggly fit and slightly translucent fabric moves so gracefully around JLaw’s breasts as they swing around like a tilt-a-whirl covered by a tarp. It almost seems as if this wardrobe choice was intentionally exploiting her upper body... I mean, who needs good dialogue when you have nice titties in a tank?!

“Are you looking at my tits?!”

I’d #HATES to be so harsh on this film because it is at least bearable enough to sit through, but you still might be better off spending your time drinking toilet water. On the other hand, if you do decide to spend some time with House at the End of the Street, please feel free to try to beat my “I called the plot twist!” time of 4 minutes and 50 seconds.