Guys, I have some terrible news... my brother, Eric, was injured in a kickboxing match against a vicious, braided ponytail wearing jerk face named Tong Po. Why he would do something as vile as crippling such a handsome young man is beyond me, but I have vowed to avenge my brother’s crippled state by staying in Thailand and training in the fine art of Muay Thai so I can take out Tong Po! And I don’t mean to dinner, either.
While I am confident that my soul-searching absence is already difficult for you to deal with, I do have a special gift for you, and it comes in the form of the latest episode of The Gentlemen’s Guide to Midnite Cinema, where yours truly joined two masters of podcasting, Big Willy and the Samurai, in an epic review of Jean-Claude Van Damme’s Kickboxer! In what is a reach around filled episode, we tackle Kickboxer, bad coffee creamer, menstruation, and Van Damme’s perfect ass, and that’s only the half of it!
If you don’t already listen to The Gentlemen's Guide to Midnite Cinema, then believe you me, you are absolutely missing out on what is the finest film podcasts on the market. If you even remotely enjoy what you see here of CNAMB, you will LOVE what you get with this fantastic podcast. These guys are not only great people, they are great friends, and to finally be able to join them for some on-air film discussion is certainly an honor, so please take some time to check out the episode for yourself!
In between Kenpo practice, meditation and these sick free form basket-weaving classes I've been taking, I've found a dash of time to cook up a batch of trailers that I consider to be totally tubular, brah. Hopefully you agree, but the only way to find that out is for me to shut up and let you get to watching them for yourself!
Staring things off is the trailer for the South Korean monster flick, Sector 7. Directed by Kim Ji-hoon, Sector 7 is your typical man VS monster flick, focusing on a crew trapped on an oilrig with a creature whose only desire is to eat their asses. Well, probably not just their asses; I'm sure it will eat their faces, too. Either way, South Korea's been steadily releasing giant monster movies over the passed few years, and doing so with reasonable success, and Sector 7 looks to be yet another entertaining entry into genre.
Check out the trailer, and see if you can guess how the movie is going to end.
Previously known as Weapon, the recently retitled Assassination Games stars Jean-Claude Van Damme and Scott Adkins as rival assassins that, get ready for it…join forces so they can take down a drug cartel. Okay, let me just repeat that: JEAN-CLAUDE VAN DAMME AND SCOTT ADKINS ARE RIVAL ASSASSINS THAT JOIN FORCES SO THEY CAN TAKE DOWN A DRUG CARTEL!!
'Nuff. Fucking. Said.
Next up we're taking an underground trip with Andy Fetscher's Urban Explorer, a German Slasher film that sends a group of explorers on an underground search for a walled up Fahrerbunker filled with forbidden Nazi graffiti. Naturally, some bad stuff happens, and people will more than likely start getting killed at some point. Or at least that's what we all hope, right?! One foreign review I read for the film called it Wolf Creek meets The Decent, which is really quite the praise if that comparison is reflective of quality as much as it is aesthetic. Outside of being a tad too hyper for my taste, I dig the trailer, specifically the style in which the titles look. Not that they at all reflect the film, but I dig the artistic flair.
Last preview of the day is 5 Days of War, which comes to us from the great Renny Harlin. Okay, maybe great isn't the best adjective that could be summed up for Harlin, but fuck it, I dig most of his work for being simple, fun and action packed, and 5 Days doesn't look to disappoint in any of those departments.
The film is about an American journalist and his crew who are caught in the crossfire of a raging war between Russia and Georgia (a country VS a state seems kinda unfair, no?). I really like this trailer and think 5 Days looks quite promising, though, being a huge Val Kilmer in his peak fan, seeing him so bloated always kind of freaks me out (he must be on his period. Forever.). Luckily for me, Emmanuelle Chiriquà should keep my eyes busy enough not to notice Val's ever expanding dome piece.
This Muscles from Brussels is truly marking his territory here at CNAMB, and now with his third time tearing it up on the dance floor, Jean-Claude Van Damme has had the most dance party appearances outside of Freddy Krueger. I'm sure that makes him enormously proud. But what he should really be proud of is his ability to tantalize us all with every move he makes, and no, this clip is not quite as infectious and move groovy as My Name is Jean Claude Van Damme - I will Dance For You, but shit will really put you in the mood to let loose.
This clip comes from the Van Damme 1989 martial arts classic, Kickboxer, and really shows what an imposing force JCVD is when he gets in a groove. He just gets up there and swings his dick around for a minute and next thing you know, dude has two girls under his spell. And heck, how can these ladies resist? I mean, it must be very difficult to fight off the urge to rock it with JCVD when he is adorned with some fabulously fitted khakis, matched with some sort of onesie that looks to have buckles on it. There is no saying no to that, it is what it is, and to fight it is to fight yourself.
It's no wonder the locals are so quick to brawl with Jean-Claude in what is one of the greatest scenes in all of cinema. Guy came in, looked better than everyone else, danced like Denny Terrio wishes he could, takes all the bitches and then proceeds to rape the floor and shake his butt cheeks like it's no ones business. It was only a matter of time before the male patrons of the finest establishment in Thailand take shots at this khakied dance machine. The fight scene is nothing short of spectacular as Claude Van pulls off his signature moves perfectly, only to finish them with a little sway to show that he is indeed drunk. My personal favorite - the no look, behind the back head butt, only to be one upped slightly by the perfectly placed splits-kick-to-double head-split. Lights out, bitches.
With it being Valentine’s Day weekend, I thought I would give you all a Valentine to show how much I love you. This may be one of the most mesmerizing clips I have ever seen and chances are, you will have this catchy tune in your head for weeks!
I have no clue who made this or who crafted this captivating song, but I love it and watch it at least seven times a day. The clip is taken from the 1984 classic Hip-Hop dance film, Breakin’, where this "brief" scene was the extent of Jean-Claude’s role. And what a job he did! He really takes the moves and makes them all his own, and never have I been so enchanted by a man’s hips moving back and forth in a onesie, like I am with JCVD in this clip. With the creation of this video, there is no more need for anti-depression medication anymore – one watch and your whole day is instantly made!
Wake up you sleepy heads…you can’t sleep all day because if you do, you will miss all the goodies than are in store for you today. You don’t have to get out of bed, up off the couch, or anything crazy like that - you can stay right where you are to enjoy today's events, because it’s time for The Horror Hangover! I got a great one for you today with a couple of very solid films that should make your cloudy day just a tad brighter. So go take your first of many draught beer dumps, get a couple glasses of water for rehydration, shut your ringer off, and cozy up while I give you the gift of guidance through this painful Hangover.
Starting off with a Monday to Friday bang, at 10:30 Snakes on a Plane (2006) is on FX. Not a great movie, but it is fun as all hell, not that all hell is fun I assume, but that’s not the point. Snakes is entertaining for what it is and it is a film that played very well in theaters with an audience of appreciative horror dorks. How will the film translate to cable? Just click on the monkey fighting clip below and that question will be answered.
At Noon, SyFy shows up very strong with The Crow (1994). Love The Crow and have very little to say about it besides it is a great way to spend an afternoon holding back vomit and trying to remember that girl or guy’s name that probably gave you gonorrhea from the night before.
At 3:00, you better be ready to protect ‘cause Kickboxer (1989) is playing on ION! I haven’t seen Kickboxer in a hundred years (which is odd since it came out in the 80’s), but I used to watch that and Bloodsport all the time when I was wee. Bloodsport always plays on cable (like ALWAYS!), but Kickboxer…not so much, which is too bad, ‘cause it’s awesome. Watching this great trailer brought back a flood of memories from the movie with some of the best fight training sequences eva! Love drunk Van Damme doing some Van Dammage to the dance floor when he gets cocked, then tricked into fighting those thugs! Pick of the week!
If Van Damme doesn’t tickle your pickle, also playing at 3:00 is Pitch Black (2000) on AMC. I think I am not alone in saying that Pitch Black is a very solid horror/action/sci fi film and makes for another very great choice during today's Hangover. Though, it’s no The Pacifier, but what exactly is?
And if Pitch Black ain’t yo thang, then 3:00 gives you yet another choice with Saw (2004) on SyFy. Not the biggest fan at all, but it is something I could probably sit through as the drool count lowers late in the afternoon during a hardcore Hangover. Cary Elwes’ acting certainly fits in perfectly with the standard SyFy movie fare at least.
Okay chalupa’s…I’m outta here like Doug. Hope you have a great Sunday free from any new burning sensations!
The club has been straight poppin' and lockin' the past few Friday nights, and since Halloween was straight off the bike chain, I thought it would be nice if we slowed things down a bit and brought in a guest DJ for tonight's slow jam edition of Freddy's Friday Night Dance Party! No one knows how to take it slow better than DJ OK, USA! So fellas, if you don't wanna be on your own - alone, then grab the lady you think is hottest *except for her... that honey is mine!* and get ready for some slow grinding... Bolo style!! You may wanna limber up first. Might I suggest grabbing a couple chairs to do the splits on? It'll really make the dancing experience that much better as well as give you the ability to do triple helicopter kicks at the head of any opponent who stands in your way.
Man, Bolo's got bigger tits than every girl here! I wonder if they feel as nice as they look…
DJ OK, USA! sure knows how to spin a tight beat, huh? Hope you were able to enjoy a nice slow dance without being haunted by images of your hospitalized friend from Revenge of the Nerds and Chinese Hercules. If you were, you really didn't show it. You looked great out there, sport!
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