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Saturday, June 25, 2011

Five Scary Ass Bitches

I haven't done a list in what seems like forever, and seeing as lists were something I used to do quite often back when I was still writing for the Willie Aames published, Christian swimming magazine, Holy Diver, I figured it was high time I did a list of some sort. Thankfully, I already had a list of lists that I wanted to do from back then, so I plucked the one that seemed like it would be the most fun. Or the easiest.

So here it is, my list for five of the most frightening women to have ever graced the silver screen, with no numbers, as there is no order in which they stand. Easy enough, right? Okay then…let's shoot this fucker!

 


Asami Yamazaki

audition

Film: Audition

Portrayed By: Eihi Shiina

What Makes This Bitch So Scurry?!: I have a strong feeling this will be a running theme with this list, but the key to what makes Asami Yamazaki so frightening is just how damned crazy she is. On the surface, Asami is so very delicate, soft-spoken and innocent, however, that facade goes right out the window the moment she feels as if she's been wronged by the one she loves. And to say the methods she uses to cope with her anger are extreme would be a great understatement. Asami is straight up damaged goods, a nut case that has major possessive issues that stem from a childhood almost as fucked up as she is. She is scary because she is unassuming, a none threat, so to see what she is capable of is a grim reminder that anyone is capable of anything if their mind is damaged enough to propel them to do so.    

 


Kitty Farmer/Mrs. Carmody

kitty

Films: Donnie Darko/The Mist

Portrayed By: Beth Grant/Marcia Gay Harden

What Makes These Bitches So Scurry?!: This twofer could be perceived as a cheat, but both Mrs. Carmody and Kitty Farmer are cinematic extensions of one another, with each character having the same goal: to judge, and possibly save, those who do not follow god's plan. It is this judgment and the weight that they and their beliefs carry that make them frightening. They have the power to influence those around them, and that influence carries great consequences for those who are not on the same page as they. While these two women come to very different conclusions in their respective character arcs - with Mrs. Carmody going well over the deep end into a place where all rational sanity is lost - you can see where Mrs. Carmody ends up as being a logical path for Kitty if she too were put in a similar situation. 

 


Mallory Knox

mallory knox

Film: Natural Born Killers

Portrayed By: Juliette Lewis

What Makes This Bitch So Scurry?!: Much like Asami from Audition, Mallory Knox is shown to have a pretty terrible upbringing, so it's hard not to feel some level of sympathy for her. On the other hand, she knows full well that what she is doing is wrong, yet, she does it anyway. Mallory takes all of the pent up anger and the pain she endured from over the years and vents it right back out and onto others who are as undeserving of having their innocence lost as she did when she was a child. She is a cold-blooded killer with no (or very little) regard for human life, and her drive is pushed forward by an immature selfishness to be free from her childhood oppressions. But what makes her really scary is the fact that Mallory Knox is as sexy as she is deadly, and the pure fact that she is so dangerous makes her even sexier in a strange way. It seems as if it would be very easy to fall victim to her much like the gas station attendant who Mallory bones then quickly kills. 

 


La femme

la femme

Film: Inside

Portrayed By: BĂ©atrice Dalle

What Makes This Bitch So Scurry?!: Seeking to take back what was once accidentally taken from her, La femme is driven by a vengeance to fill the void that was opened when she fell victim to a car accident that caused a miscarriage and the subsequent loss of her child. The idea that she would go after the person that unintentionally caused her loss, with the soul purpose of taking her unborn baby as a replacement, is bonkers, but it is the way in which La femme handles herself that puts her high on the "I just pooped my pants-o-meter." La femme doesn't just kill people that get in her way - she devours them with a ferocity that would make Jason, Freddy and Michael (Myers, not Jackson) take a few steps back to avoid the splatter.  

 


Annie Wilkes 

annie wilkes

Film: Misery

Portrayed By: Kathy Bates

What Makes This Bitch So Scurry?!:

Mentally Unstable: Check

Obsessive Stalker: Check

Strong Like Bull: Check

Everything about Annie Wilkes is terrifying, but what is most unnerving is how she presents herself as this cheery, happy-go-lucky woman who loves nothing more than to read romance novels and chop wood. Annie is clearly living in her own little world, a world where she cannot fully grasp the difference between what is and isn't real. It is the characters and the stories that Paul Sheldon has created in his Misery novels that Annie loves so dearly, however, Annie becomes so attached to the characters that she believes them to be hers and will do anything to keep them just the way she envisions them. If that means taking the author hostage, beating him, drugging him and maybe even hobbling his feet, well, that's just what ya have to do, I guess.


That about does her. There're plenty of memorable scary female characters that have been brought to life throughout the history of cinema, and these five ladies are but a few of my favorites. Feel free to share your thoughts on my picks and, more importantly, please feel free to share some of your favorite Scary Ass Bitches!

14 comments:

  1. Helluva list, Matt! Nice call on the Kitty Farmer/Mrs. Carmody combo.

    I'd have to offer up Wendy Robie as "Woman" in The People Under the Stairs. She was also pretty psycho in Twin Peaks as one-eyed Nadine Hurley. Scary ass bitch. ;)

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  2. Thanks man! Yeah, she's a great pick, too. I had a handful of great scary ladies that came close to making the cut, and the most difficult thing to do is narrow it down!

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  3. Jessica Walter from PLAY MISTY FOR ME, Angela Bettis from MAY, the mom from PEOPLE UNDER THE STAIRS, the fat zombie lady from the DAWN OF THE DEAD remake, Mrs. Voorhees from the first FRIDAY THE 13TH... so many to choose from. If you go back and look at some of the classics, I'm sure you could find tons of Scary Bitches. However, none of them compare to Scary Spice from SPICE WORLD.

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  4. I've never seen Play Misty for Me, unfortunately. May, on the other hand, is a great pick as very few things are scarier than a chick that's obsessed with you for one reason or another. Mrs. Voorhees was a strong contender for a little while but got bumped only because I feel I could jack an old lady up, no problem!

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  5. ... one crazy bitch list, i would like to add my ex-wife... or those twins from that movie, crud i cannot remember.

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  6. This list is so good, I can't even think of any myself. Maybe Linnea Quigley in Return of the Living Dead, perhaps.

    The one thing all these women have in common besides the obvious is how memorable their characters are. I was amazed by the craze factor from each of them. Not to mention that all are stellar actresses, some even Oscar winners which is nice.

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  7. Yup yup, good list! Would have picked all of these myself.

    I know I've seen Donnie Darko like a million years ago but I really don't remember it at all. Maybe I should catch up. BTW, I absolutely LOVE Beth Grant! I think she is one of the greatest character actresses working today. Every time I see her pop up in a role somewhere, I get all excited. Just love watching her work.

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  8. Really awesome post. I think the first one, Asami is the scariest because even when she is doing awful things, she still looks sooooo sweet...and pretty. That's scary.

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  9. Zombie: The twins from Twins, with Arnold and DeVito?!

    Ashlee: Thanks! All of these characters are so great/scary because the people behind them put forth such great performances. That's a lot of the reason for why they remain so memorable for me, I suppose.

    GWLH: Thank you, and Grant is a true working woman's actor! She has been in a lot of shit that I enjoy, and looking at her IMDB, she has a ton of credits, too. I hate her character so much in Donnie Darko, and that is a true testament to Grant's performance.

    IP: Thanks a bunch! It would be a tough pick for me to say which girl is scariest, though, the sweetness of Asami does make for a great argument. What may be even scarier is the fact that she truly enjoys doing what she does to her victims, and it's clear by the grin plastered across her face as she does so!

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  10. no the little girls ashley and mary-kate, in that murder mystery they were in "minute in new york"

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  11. Well, in that case, this should give you the worst of nightmares, brother! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FsJhfwbfMvU

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  12. i forever am afraid... p i z z a.... munchies.
    you must have been waiting for someone to reference the devil girls to spring this on them...

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  13. Asami could very well be 'scary bitch' 1-5 all by herself.

    The Femme from INSIDE was pretty damn scary, too. That actress was amazing.

    You should def check out PLAY MISTY FOR ME at some point, Matt. Best scene for me is when the fruit loop loses all touch with reality in a public place and Eastwood throws her in a taxi and yells at the driver to get moving.

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  14. Venom: You know, being left mutilated and in a giant potato sack it such an awful way to live, so you might be right about a 1-5 for Asami!

    I do have Misty saved in my Netflix queue, though, it could be anywhere in there. I'll have to locate it and give it the good ol' bump to the top! It's not hard to twist my arm when it comes to most anything Eastwood.

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