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Sunday, June 12, 2011

6 Reasons to Love Deadly Prey

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1. Lock and Load During Downtime, to Save Time

Opening credit sequences are really a great way to give the viewer an idea of what they are in for with the film they are about to watch, as well as a good way to pump them up for what's ahead. In Ted Prior's Deadly Prey, the opening preparation for battle credit sequence does both of these things in a fashion that I cannot fully explain in a way that is justifiable to its awesomeness. It would be like explaining the intricacies of why taking a nice long crap at work is great. It's not easy to fathom, it just is. And on that note, watch the opening credit sequence for yourself and know what it feels like to get paid to crap.


2. Who Needs Clothes?

AKA

Shorts As Short As Private Parts Will Allow are the Only Shorts I Know

Mike Danton (played by golden god, Ted Prior) is a man of few words, but more importantly, he is a man of few clothes. For 92% of Deadly Prey, Danton wears no more than a pair of jean shorts that are so short, if he were to put on a belt, you would no longer see the shorts, just the belt.

What's great about Danton is the fact that when given the chance to arm up for a serious climactic battle, he puts on pants, yet, he still opts out of a shirt, knowing that the heat of his incredible body will be enough to keep him warm on those damp cold nights out in the woods. In addition, it keeps the homoerotism at a solid 9 on the homoerotic Richter scale. 

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He must be a naval officer


3.  Highlights are Always the Highlight

The lead hero/stud rocking a kick-ass mullet is to be expected from a cheap action film such as Deadly Prey, however, Danton goes one-step further by adding gorgeous blond highlights to his messy, but oh-so adorable, mullet. Now, these are the real deal highlights, not that frosted tips pussy bullshit. Business in the front, beach party in the back with plenty of Sun-In on hand. I know it's the only way I roll.


4. Hidden Agenda

There are at least 25 different and completely amazing ways in which Mike Danton makes mincemeat outta mark-ass busters by using the natural wooded surroundings as cover, but there is one moment in particular that stands out as the greatest. That moment would be when Danton, who has buried himself under the leaf covered ground, grabs a mercenary by his wrist, growls like an animal about to 'get it in', and stabs the dude in the chest. Sure, my description doesn't sound all that great, but trust me here, this is a moment that will certainly make you hold back a laugh-shit.  

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Leaf me alone, already!


5. Explosive Choppers

The explosions that are to be found in Deadly Prey are truly something to behold. Grenades, in particular, appear to be quite ineffective with the little puff of smoke they let out when they go off (always behind their victims, naturally), regardless, the results are still very deadly for those that are unfortunate enough to have one land three feet behind them.

On the opposite end of the grenades spectrum is the rocket launcher, which when fired at a chopper creates an explosion so massive and powerful that even the great Peter North would be green with envy (or should I say white with envy?). I have brought along with me a series of screen grabs, all of which happen within the span of three sequential frames, to show you just how powerful this rocket launcher is, which is apparently powerful enough to turn day into night. Uh-mazing.

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  Game over, man.


6. The Right to Bear Arms, Then, Beat the Shit Out of the Bear With the Arm You Just Cut Off

From the moment he appears on screen, it is clear that Lt. Thornton (Fritz Matthews) will be the baddie that goes one-on-one in a battle to the death against our lion-esque hero, Mike Danton. The two even have a partial brawl where Thornton beats Danton, and quite effortlessly at that, which only means that when the two face-off in the finale, it's sure to be epic. 

(SPOILERS!!)

However, Deadly Prey doesn't play by the rules and ends in what is possibly one of the most shocking scenes in all of cinematic history with a battle scene that is less like a final brawl to the death and more of a Mortal Kombat finishing move. Mike Danton, after seeing Thornton shoot his wife dead, runs up, machete in hand and pecs glistening in the sun, and chops Thornton's arm off like a knife through butter. Now, while that may come as a bit of a surprise when it initially happens, things only get better from there as Danton not only cuts Thornton's arm off, he then proceeds to take the arm and beat the deadly prey right out of his punk ass. It is IN. CRED. UH. BULL.   


These are but a few of the many reasons why Deadly Prey is a film to love and behold. To go on with your life and not experience the joy that can be had from seeing a grown man run around in daisy dukes will only lead you to utter sadness. If you want to keep from dying sad and alone, watch Deadly Prey, and all will be right with your life.

4 comments:

  1. Fuck. Yes.

    Everything about this makes me want to pop that DVD right now. it might happen, though let me evaluate my weekend plans. I may be able to show a DP virgin the way of the cutoffs.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Yes, if you are given the chance to share with someone the magic known as Ted Prior's inner thighs, then that is an opportunity you must take!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Ted 'Aerobicide' Prior! Please tell me it's on Netflix instant?!

    ReplyDelete
  4. The very same one, CtK, but unfortunately Netflix doesn't carry it at all, which is a shame. You would love the shit out of it for sure!

    ReplyDelete

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