House at the End of the Street: Tanks for the Mammaries

Somewhere up the road from the House on the Edge of the Park and just around the corner of The Last House on the Left, you will find the House at the End of the Street. I suppose if you were a little more optimistic, you could consider it the beginning of the street, but optimism isn’t a trait that will do much good for you going into this urinal stain of a film.    

Directed by Mark Tonderai, House at the End of the Street (or #HATES, if you’re a big Twitter user) is a psychological thriller starring Jennifer Lawrence as Elissa, a young woman with a voice so beautiful she sounds absolutely perfect whether she’s singing in the woods or a garage, but I digress. Elissa and her single, overprotective mother (played by Elisabeth Shue, who looks fantastic despite the tiredly written character) have just moved from the mean streets of Chicago to the not so mean gravel roads of some place in the woods. A place that, on the surface, seems safe, but little do they know that just four years earlier a little girl slaughtered her parents... in the HOUSE AT THE END OF THE STREET!

Being the new gal in the wooded ‘hood as well as being the lead singer in the sickest band in Chicago, Elissa is getting a lot of attention from all the boys, specifically a young loner type named Ryan (Max Thieriot). Ryan has a bit of a bad rep around town due to the fact that he is the oldest son of the people who were gruesomely murdered in the HOUSE AT THE END OF THE STREET! Worse yet, he still lives in the very house at the end of the street where his parents were killed, something that really ticks everyone off. Regardless, Elissa and Ryan hit it off, and it seems that all the negativity driven towards Ryan is unwarranted, so she’s all ready to drop her drawers for him at any minute. However, when your parents were slayed by your very own sister in the very house at the end of the street that you still live in, you are more than likely not to be trusted. Unfortunately for Elissa, this is the case.

It’s okay, though, because the power of song will protect us like a warm blanket on a winter’s day.

House at the End of the Street gets full use out of the word ‘generic’ in terms of storytelling and character development. In fact, it’s only a few dollars and a handful of good actors above a Lifetime movie, though at least most Lifetime movies can be pretty entertaining. While mostly a technically well-made film, hashtag hates is plagued by some horrific, random editing choices as well as strange attempts at stylized camerawork. I almost applaud the fact that there is an actual attempt at style, but unfortunately it’s as successful as me “attempting” to be Mr. Universe. The dialogue also shines about as brightly as sandpaper, as there are moments where characters barf out some utterly atrocious dialogue. One specific moment in particular is a scene where Elissa and her friend are talking about one of the boys in school:

Friend: “He’s a dick!”
Elissa: “He’s worse than a dick... he’s a dickhole!”
Friend: “Dickhole’s the new asshole.”

*laughter*

Me: “What the fuck.”

Moving on (and thankfully so), I feel as a member of society I am obligated to talk about one of the biggest stars of hashtag hates:

Elissa’s White Tank Top

The white tank top is THE perfect attire for the slightly dirty (but not, like, gross dirty), sweaty girl in peril, who also happens to have a very healthy amount of milk in the fridge. Oh, how the snuggly fit and slightly translucent fabric moves so gracefully around JLaw’s breasts as they swing around like a tilt-a-whirl covered by a tarp. It almost seems as if this wardrobe choice was intentionally exploiting her upper body... I mean, who needs good dialogue when you have nice titties in a tank?!

“Are you looking at my tits?!”

I’d #HATES to be so harsh on this film because it is at least bearable enough to sit through, but you still might be better off spending your time drinking toilet water. On the other hand, if you do decide to spend some time with House at the End of the Street, please feel free to try to beat my “I called the plot twist!” time of 4 minutes and 50 seconds.

Paracinema ‘Kills’ it with Issue 19!

The latest issue of Paracinema Magazine is out and ready for you to jump head first into what promises to be the greatest issue of all time! And why, pray tell, might this issue be so off the chain?! Well, as the fantastic Garry Brown cover illustration shows, issue 19 features some serious love for one of my favorite film/films, Kill Bill. In fact, the issue features not one but TWO articles about Quentin Tarantino’s martial arts revenge epic, one of which comes from a very good friend of CNAMB, Zach from The Lightning Bug’s Lair, with the other Kill Bill piece coming from the one and only me.

Here’s a peekaboo of our epic Kill Bill coverage:

It’s Complicated: An In Depth Look at the Evolution of Bill and The Bride’s Turbulent Relationship in Kill Bill
by Matthew House

The Devil’s in The DeVAS: The Many Foes of Beatrix Kiddo
by Zachary Kelley

Soooooo what are you waiting for? Head over to Paracinema’s website and pick up a few copies for yourself… you deserve it!

Click Here!!

Of course, there are plenty of other goodies to be had, so if reading a couple of pieces about Kill Bill isn’t enough to sell you on picking up issue 19 (then how dare you), then check out all the other tasty little treats that are in store:

Phoebe Moves in Stereo: How Fast Times at Ridgemont High Gave Birth to a Classic Scene
by Mike McGranaghan

John Carpenter and the Apocalypse: A Study of Three Films
by Justin LaLiberty

Lost Video Archive: Skatetown USA
by Seth Goodkind

Aural Enigmas: Sound Design in Ti West’s The Innkeepers
by Todd Garbarini

Japan’s Direct to Video Explosion
by Josh Johnson

Firing Broadsides: Creating a Horror Canon
by C. Rachel Katz

Corpse Fucking Art: A Guide to Necrophilia in Horror Cinema
by Samm Deighan

“I’m sorry if the end of the world makes me a little nervous.” An Interview with Kelli Maroney
by Chris Hallock

What’s In A Name? The Rise and Decline of Hollywood Fall Guy Alan Smithee
by James Gracey

Last Words: Burn the Innocents with the Aggressors
by S. Patrick Gallagher

The Frankenstein Theory: Footage that Can Stay Lost

“From the creators of The Last Exorcism comes The Frankenstein Theory! And when we say creators, we mean one guy who produced The Last Exorcism, not so much created it, but them is details! Just watch our damn movie already!

YOU LIKED THE LAST EXORCISM!!”

Directed by Andrew Weiner, The Frankenstein Theory injects the classic movie monster, Frankenstein, or Frankenstein’s Monster if you’re being a dick, into the found footage subgenre. The film all but completely follows the plot of numerous found footage films (Blair Witch, Troll Hunter, etc.), where a group of documentary filmmakers go to a dangerous, unpopulated area to find a mythical “creature.” In this case, the creature is the one and only Frankenstein, who according to the film’s lead character, Professor John Venkenheim (Kris Lemche), is not just a piece of fiction created by author Mary Shelley but a flesh and blood monster waiting to be discovered.  

Finding Frankenstein (which would be a great reality show title) has become Professor Venkenheim’s life’s work; an obsession that, due to his outrageous theories, has resulted in him being suspended from his university job as well as created a rift in his relationship with his wife. These roadblocks only seem to fuel Venkenheim, so naturally this leads to him and a documentary film crew going to the rim of the Arctic Circle in order to prove his theory and gain back the respect of his colleagues and family. What ensues is, as I already alluded to, a very stereotypical found footage style of traveling to a remote location in search of Frankenstein which, naturally, goes awry.

The Frankenstein Theory is played off as a “documentary gone wrong (a subgenre of Girls Gone Wild),” and as is the case with most docs, it looks good, as opposed to the shaky, amateurish lensed found footage flicks recorded by non-filmmaker types. This "tactic” gives the opportunity to make a good looking film. On the other hand, however, it also lacks that feeling of authenticity that makes better found footage movies effective. The film is a little too glossy to be believable, but that isn’t quite the worst of the issues that I have with The Frankenstein Theory.  

To go along with the pedestrian narrative, The Frankenstein Theory is filled with generic, uninspired characters that we’ve become accustomed to in this subgenre. The obsessive character trying to find proof of something mythical, the snarky and skeptical film crew, the sympathetic character who wants to believe in Venkenheim, and so on and so forth. Things don’t get much better when it comes to the horror elements, either. In fact, nothing that any person would ever consider to be “scary” really happens for at least the first hour. And there’s not even much build up outside of the ‘sounds outside of a cabin’ Blair Witch tactic that, unlike Blair Witch, isn’t effective in the least. This approach could be considered a slow-burn in a better crafted film, however, the fire never even gets started in The Frankenstein Theory.     

One last thing I need to touch on is the cast (all of whom are very good, actually), specifically Kris Lemche. While Lemche gives a good performance as Professor Venkenheim, having an established genre actor in a film that’s going for the found footage angle is not a great idea. Seeing Lemche in the opening seconds of a movie that’s playing itself off as real is the fastest way to take me out of the story. How many found footage films have you seen that stars actors you are very familiar with? I can’t even think of one, but I’m not really trying, either, so take that as you may.

I’m a total sucker for found footage movies, and I’ve enjoyed most that I have seen (and I have seen quite a few); however, The Frankenstein Theory is one of the weakest that I’ve come across. Regardless of the fact that the film is decently made, has some good performances and even has a great winter setting, it simply doesn’t deliver the goods as a horror film. Worse yet, it’s intensely uninteresting, and an uninteresting story piled on top of a total lack of actual horror results in a completely forgettable experience.

CNAMB’s Best Movies of 2012

Seeing as it’s already the middle of March, I think it’s time I shared with you and the rest of the world my favorite films of 2012 because if I procrastinate any longer it’ll be 2014. As is the case with every year, I wasn’t able to see every film I wanted to before putting my list together, many of which came from directors I really love, such as The Master and Hara-Kiri, for example. But hey, that’s the name of the game, and everything I did miss will be caught up with in the coming weeks, so I got that going for me. Anywizzle, I tossed together what I think it a pretty solid list of 20.5 films that I loved as well as a bunch of honorable mentions, so I’ll shut my hole and let the list speak for itself.

20. Young Adult

Driven by fantastic performances from Charlize Theron and an equally strong Patton Oswalt, Young Adult was one of the biggest surprises of 2012. The deceiving marketing kept Young Adult way off my radar, but when enough trustworthy people had very good things to say about it, I knew I had to give it a chance. And boy am I happy I did. Young Adult is an honest unflinching look at self-inflicted loneliness, and the character of Mavis Gray is one of the ballsiest I have seen in some time. Not only is she frighteningly crass and unlikable, it’s hard not to feel sympathy for her, because she is so totally pathetic as a human being.

19. REC 3: Genesis

I’m a huge fan of the first REC and, save for the second act, really enjoyed REC 2, so it’s fair to say I am a fan of the REC formula. With that said, I was more than willing to see the series take a different turn and was really thrilled with the results. The humor worked well enough, and I enjoyed the break from the found footage style of filmmaking, but what I think I really enjoyed about REC 3 most is the pure fact that I felt like I was watching a modern, proper sequel to Lamberto Bava’s Demons’ movies. From the totally awesome wedding reception setting to the visual of a chainsaw wielding, demon slaying bride, REC 3 brought a true smile to my horror loving face. 

18. The Tall Man

Following up his 2008 masterpiece, Martyrs, Pascal Laugier’s The Tall Man is a gorgeously crafted film that was a victim of dishonest marketing that made the film out to be much simpler than it actually is. The Tall Man starts off as a seemingly stereotypical dramatic thriller, only to take numerous, and very surprising, twists and turns, delving into a tale that, to put it broadly, questions a township’s ability to care for their own well-being, specifically the well-being of their children’s future. It’s certainly not the horror film it was wrongfully marketed as, but the numerous hours I spent thinking about the film as well as the many conversation I had with my boo about its themes made The Tall Man a surprisingly thoughtful and enjoyable watch for me.

17. Prometheus

Ridley Scott’s not quite (but totally is a) prequel to Alien was a mixed bag for me. I found it to have some flaws (none of which involve helmet removal or space snakes, though), most of which were character and consistency related. Regardless, the minor issues I had with the film were not enough to spoil what I found to be a thoroughly epic and utterly gorgeous visual masterpiece. Prometheus succeeds as a true science fiction spectacle, however, it also delivers some masterfully crafted moments of tension and horror. It’s certainly not Alien, and to even make the comparison is quite unfair, but the positives are far too great for me to not give Prometheus a place on my best of the year list.

16. Fritt Vilt 2

It seems as if every year I have a film on my best of the year list that, for some ridiculous reason, hasn’t seen a North American release. This would be the case with Fritt Vilt 2 (which is apparently on it’s way to DVD), a 2008 sequel to the successful and quite solid 2006 Norwegian Slasher film. Fritt Vilt 2 is what I consider a rarity, doing something that very few sequels have been able to do: be better than the first film. From the beautiful snow-covered mountain backdrop to the desolate halls of a hospital on the verge of closing down, Fritt Vilt 2 successfully secludes its characters from the safety of the world, leaving them vulnerable to a little classic stalk and slash. While the movie succeeds as a slasher film, the biggest strength lies within the characters, who are not only intelligent, they feel real, with real problems and concerns. Also, much like the first film, the presence of strong female characters are abound, and I don’t mean your basic, typical slasher movie final girl, either.

15. Dredd

I have no real relationship with Judge Dredd. I never read the comic nor have I seen the Stallone film, therefore my only real knowledge of the character comes Anthrax’s ‘I Am the Law’, and that’s about it. With that said, as a genre film fan and a comic book fan, Judge Dredd and the word he inhabits has always been of great interest to me, so I was naturally very excited by the prospect of a film adaptation that looked to be taking itself seriously while also delivering the action goods. And boy does Dredd deliver on all fronts. The characters are as hard-nosed as the action on the screen, and the film is surprisingly well put together, with some truly dazzling visual moments strewn throughout. Dredd is a pure tough-guy action movie, and something that I never would have expected to come out of a big theatrical release.

14. Argo

I’m writing this post-Oscars and, seeing as it’s at number 14 on my list, I can’t help but feel that Argo has gotten a little more love that I feel it deserves. However, that is not to take away from what a great film that Argo truly is because, flawed or not, Affleck delivered a real nail biter filled with wonderful performances and a story that draws its viewer into the character’s plight. Following films such as Gone Baby Gone (Affleck’s best film, in my opinion) and The Town, Argo cements Ben Affleck as one of the best new American filmmakers, and someone whose career I look forward to watching evolve in the years to come.

PS  Ben, I would like it if you used your brother more. Thanks.

13. Jiro Dreams of Sushi

I hate fish. I hate fish as much as that guy in the Magic Bullet commercial hates broccoli (what an asshole, by the way). Why on earth would I ever care about a movie about a guy who makes, like, the bestest ever sushi ever of all time?! What was done in Jiro Dreams of Sushi sexualized, no, sensualized a food I despise in a way that captivated my every being. No matter how many times Jiro and his sons were shown, in slow motion, preparing their specialty dishes, I couldn’t help but drool over the presentation. It really is pornography for food, but like really classy pornography. Incredible slo-mo food boners notwithstanding, the driving force behind this magical documentary is the subject matter, which focuses on a man who has dedicated his entire life to a craft that he is truly passionate for.

12. The Avengers

Even though I’m a big comic book guy and have, for the most part, enjoyed the onslaught of comic book adaptations that’ve been churned out over the last 10-15 years, I really wasn’t all that jazzed about The Avengers. I had this instant feeling that the film would be an utter failure, but after the immediate positive word that hit when the film was released, I couldn’t resist seeing it for myself, and boy was I not at all disappointed. Outside of the totally hokey Loki (sorry, but he is), there are so many great things to say about what Joss Whedon did with The Avengers, but what it comes down to is the final act of the film, which may have given me the biggest comic book geek boner I have had since the introduction of Wolverine in the first Bryan Singer X-Men film.

11. Seven Psychopaths

While not quite at the same level as the absolutely fantastic In Bruges (which is a high standard, to be fair), Martin McDonagh came out swinging with his sophomore effort, Seven Psychopaths. What makes Seven Psychopaths such a great movie very much mirrors what made In Bruges so great, in that the mix of genre sensibilities is so refreshingly enticing. The film has moments of genuine emotion and heartfelt character development mixed with outrageously graphic violence as well as a sense of humor that puts 95% of Hollywood comedies to shame. However, the cream of this psychopathic crop is, without a doubt, the brilliant performance by Sam Rockwell, who manages to outshine a cast that is, in its own right, wonderful.

10.5. Safety Not Guaranteed

Damn it! I didn’t get a chance to see Safety Not Guaranteed until after this list was almost completely written (which means I’m writing this from the future!), so I’m just gonna jam this thing in here at a place where I think the film falls. Safety Not Guaranteed is the definition of charming; a romantic dramedy that has surprisingly deep characters who stray far away from the trappings of their archetype. Safety Not Guaranteed is a thoughtful film with thoughtful characters and wonderfully satisfying conclusion, and I really look forward to what Colin Trevorrow does next.

10. Bones Brigade: An Autobiography

While Stacy Peralta’s Bones Brigade: An Autobiography is a superbly made documentary that tells a story captivating enough for just about anyone, my feelings for this one are greatly impacted by the fact that I skated for about ten years, many of which are chronicled in this film. The intense swell of nostalgia that was brought upon by watching what is, essentially, my youth splashed across the screen was really quite touching and oddly poignant for me. Many of the people featured in this doc were idols of mine, and I truly loved having the opportunity to hear each of the individual stories and learning more about what drive each of Bones Brigade members as well as the sport itself. It’s incredible how many fascinating stories have come from just this one skateboard company (granted, they were big dogs); stories that anyone can enjoy, even people who don’t care about a board with four wheels.

9. Cabin in the Woods

One of the biggest and most entertaining surprises of 2012 for me was the Drew Goddard/Joss Whedon collaboration, Cabin in the Woods. What was seemingly a “teens getting killed in the woods” type of horror movie began to pique curiosity with its Rubik’s cube poster art and trailers featuring what appeared to be elements of sci-fi; things certainly not found in your typical “teens getting killed in the woods” horror flick. However, what was to come in the film’s final act was something that I believe many of us did not see coming, and much like the other 2012 Wheddon joint, The Avengers, it’s what happens in that last act that had me exiting the theater with the biggest grin across my face. Featuring an orgy of movie monsters of all shapes and sizes, from werewolves and giant spiders to killer clowns and faux Cenobites, Cabin in the Woods lovingly delivered a horror movie orgasm for the ages, and one that will not be matched again by a theatrical release anytime soon. 

8. The Grey

I really had no expectations for The Grey. The trailers made it out to be a hokey, stereotypical action flick (which I CAN love and appreciate), but the truth of the matter is that The Grey is poignant, beautifully crafted and touchingly sentimental, things not all too common in manly man cinema. And that’s another great thing about this one; not only is it an emotionally driven film, it very much harkens back to the classic tough guy cinema of the 70s. The Grey is a full-on survival film that forces a group of carefully written male characters to face an infinite amount of horrors, and together, through thick and thin, they do just that. From the frigid weather and the lack of food and water to the internal demons that these men both singularly and collectively face, The Grey throws the worst at them, and then tosses them to the wolves to make things all the more horrifying.

7. Zero Dark Thirty

Kathryn Bigelow follows up her fantastic 2008 film, The Hurt Locker, with another military tale, this time with her target being focused on Osama bin Laden and how his death by the hands of U.S. Navy SEALs came to be. The acting is superb, with great performances from all involved, most notably Jessica Chastain and Jason Clarke (and Scott Adkins!). The way the film is constructed is engaging in a way that actually made me forget that I already knew how it was going to end. With that said, what really struck me about Zero Dark Thirty was its final act, which is irresistibly tense and beautifully crafted. It’s a true payoff to a long, hard-fought journey that is hard not to be invested in due to how well made the film is as well as the subject matter contained within. 

6. Oslo, August 31st

Whenever I hear a small amount of buzz about lesser known films, I tend to avoid learning too much about them so I can erase the opportunity for expectations. I like to go in open and ready to be swept away, and that is exactly what happened with Oslo, August 31st. What really got me about Oslo is how it feels like it’s going nowhere for almost the first two acts, then, slowly but surely, it all began to come together. Suddenly, and quite unexpectedly, I was faced with the weight of one man’s internal struggle to live an unfulfilled life where heartache and pain are constant. By the time the credits rolled, I was as invested as I could be, and all that would come beforehand made complete and total sense. 

5. The Raid

2012 was really the year of the action film, and if any film was proof of that, it was Gareth Evans’ The Raid. Following up his impressive rookie effort Merantau, Evans reunites with martial arts actors Iko Uwais and Yayan Ruhian to bring to life one of the most impressive and insanely violent martial arts film of the past ten years. The Raid was, without a doubt, one of the best cinematic experiences I had in 2012, and nothing is cooler than actually seeing a low-budget, Indonesian action film at a multiplex. Pure, unadulterated satisfaction.

4. The Hunter

I had no idea what The Hunter was about before giving it a watch, yet the film was still somehow able to completely surprise me with how different it is from what I expected of it. What would appear to be a sort of macho tough guy type of film on the surface (and it sort of is that, in a way) turned out to be a very touching and, surprisingly, sad film at times. The film is beautifully shot and the Australian mountain locations are absolutely breathtaking. The slow pace is befitting to the reflective nature of the lead character, played wonderfully by Willem Dafoe, while also working as a great build up to some very unexpected conclusions for a handful of characters; conclusions that really hit me on an emotional level. Lastly, I can’t talk about The Hunter without mentioning how much I loved the two kids in the film, specifically Morgana Davies, who plays the incredibly adorable Sass. I believe we all know kids can very well break a film, and in the case of The Hunter, they make it.  

3. Django Unchained

It’s almost a given that any new Quentin Tarantino film is going to make my best of the year list, and quite frankly, it’s not a surprise considering I am an unabashed QT fanboy. Now, admittedly, Django Unchained didn’t quite blow me away like Inglourious Basterds initially did a few years back, but it’s a film that has stuck with me since seeing it and has certainly grown stronger upon reflection. This is especially true with the character of Dr. King Schultz, an immensely deep character whose evolution throughout the film is as fascinating as any character QT has ever written. And it doesn’t hurt that Christoph Waltz is fucking brilliant. Anyway, the beauty of Tarantino’s films are in how they marinate and grow better and better with subsequent viewings, and I really look forward to a future spent loving Django Unchained more and more with each viewing I take in.

2. Moonrise Kingdom

It seems like I’m one of the only people who actually likes this film, let alone loves it, and I really think that’s unfortunate because, for me, Moonrise Kingdom is such a genuinely sweet and imaginative film. Unlike most people, I was completely engaged by the lead characters, Sam and Suzy, and I think they were both brought to life by great performances. Again, for me, here is another case of kids making a film, but regardless of the two leads, Moonrise Kingdom is filled with fantastic performances by numerous great actors, many of which are doing things outside of what one would expect from them, and that’s especially the case with Edward Norton and Bruce Willis. I’m a pretty big fan of Wes Anderson’s films and really love the specific aesthetic that he brings to the screen, and Moonrise Kingdom is just a perfect culmination of his years building a fantasy world where only his characters can live in.

1. Beasts of the Southern Wild 

I suppose I’ll have to once again mention how important a child’s performance is in the success of a film heavily featuring one, and no film features the power of childhood innocence better than Beasts of the Southern Wild. This is also another film that, despite the mostly positive critical reception, many people didn’t seem to care about, but I guess that speaks to my specific tastes in cinema. I tend to gravitate towards emotionally driven character pieces, and no film hit me more emotionally than Beast of the Southern Wild. The exploits of Hushpuppy as she goes on her imaginative journey through the hardships of life are as inspiring and touching as they are saddening. Beasts is a truly heartfelt film set in a world where happiness doesn’t come easy, but it’s still there to be had, despite the odds stacked against the characters. In a lot of ways, Beasts is a great companion piece to 2010’s Winter’s Bone, which forces viewers to look at a world that many of us never knew existed, while also focusing on a strong, independently minded female character who will stop at nothing for her family.

Honorable Mentions

And with great honor, I would like to give a few honorable mentions. And by few, I mean a lot:

Invisible War * Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning * Premium Rush * Queen of Versailles * Jeff, Who Lives at Home * The Dark Knight Rises * Citadel * Killer Joe * The Pact * Dead Season * Screaming in High Heels: The Rise & Fall of the Scream Queen Era * Excision * Silent Night * The American Scream

Straight Pimpin': Paracinema's Top 10 Rites of Shirt

Now that Death-cember is over and done with and we are well into the new year, things will be slowing down here quite a bit because, quite frankly, I have a bunch of things going on that will keep me pretty occupied for the foreseeable future. I plan on doing some reviews and such for other sites as well as focusing on writing more articles for Paracinema Magazine, so as a result, CNAMB gets to feel the cold hand of neglect. I do have a few things on the horizon, though, namely a video where I'll being sharing all the awesome movie related Christmas gifts I received. And of course, with it being a new year, the time is winding down on doing my best of the year list. However, I still need some time to catch up on all the goodies I missed in 2012, so that likely won't be happening until sometime late in February.

Anyway, now that we're done catching up with one another, I have a bunch of fun stuff I want to share with yer purdy little face, so let's get right into it!

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Over the holidays a few fine people sent me a few fine t-shirts. The first one I have to show you was made just for me by the good people over at T Shirt Printing.org. As you can see, it features my drunk Doc Loomis banner from this past Chucktober on a nice brown shirt, making it about as close to Caldor as it gets. And if you know me well enough, then you should know that Caldor is my favorite color (my blog template should be proof of that). 

The other shirt I found squatting in my mailbox is this rad Van Halen spoof tee 'Van Helsing', which was sent to me by the good peeps over at T Shirt Bordello. They've sent me a few cool shirts in the past and have a ton of radi-cool stuff for sale on their site, so head over there, check out what they've got and let them know that I sent you! Actually, come to think of it, I clogged their toilet last time I was over their house for dinner, so my name might be a bit of a sore subject. 

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Over at Horror-Movies.ca, I wrote up a review for the indie horror flick, Rites of Spring. If you'd like to know if this one is worth your precious time away from making me cakes and knitting me Caldor color blankets, then head over and check out my review!

Rites of Spring Review

Also over at Horror-Movies.ca, I did up a list of my top 10 favorite horror movies of the year, so if you're curious as to what movies gave my willy goose bumps in 2012, head over there to see what made the cut!

Top 10 Horror Movies of 2012

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And finally, the ever incredible, and totally delectable, Paracinema Magazine has gone live and direct with their newest issue, which you can pick up right now for a measly $7!! As always, this mofo is filled to the brim with articles written by people who love cinema for people who, well, love cinema. It's as simple as that!

What the 'ell is you waitin' fer?!

Paracinema Issue 18!

What, you want more?! Well, that's all I have, so, like, if you're bored, you can come over later on and we can braid each other's hair and paint our nails. Or do some coke. Whatever.

Fritt Vilt 2 (2008): (Cold) Prey for Death

Way back in August of 2009 I wrote a review over at Paracinema for Fritt Vilt (aka Cold Prey), a Norwegian Slasher flick that made a pretty solid splash on the horror genre in 2006. From what I recall, I quite liked the film, so I figured it was high time I took another trip to the frigid mountains of Norway for a little slaughter in the snow with the 2008 sequel, Fritt Vilt 2.

Fritt Vilt begins exactly where the last film left off, with the lone survivor, Jannicke (Ingrid Bolsø Berdal) being taken to a hospital after she is discovered on the side of the road. Being found covered in blood and holding a pickaxe, the authorities are naturally present for questioning when Jannicke awakens. She tells them the story of how her friends were murdered and dumped in a deep mountain crevasse and how she was able to overcome the killer and send him down the same crevasse to join her friends in death. The authorities aren't quite sure what to make of her story at first; is she lying or is everything she has told them, as crazy as it all sounds, the truth?

The police immediately investigate the area where this all took place, and after finding the bodies of her friends and the killer, they are brought back to the hospital morgue which happens to be where Jannicke is being treated. Now, considering this is a sequel to a Slasher film, it should be obvious where the film might go from that point, so I'll just say that when you bring the presumed killer to the same hospital where the previous film's final girl is being taken care of, well, things are going to happen. Namely murder.

As you may have already noticed, Fritt Vilt 2 takes a lot of "inspiration" from 1981's Halloween 2, specifically in its setting and how it takes off at the same point in which the first film landed. However, unlike Halloween 2 (which is a film that I adore, mind you), Fritt Vilt 2 is far from the bigger, stronger, faster, but infinitely less competent sequel that Halloween 2 is. In fact, I am more than confident in saying that what director Mats Stenberg (who took over for Fritt Vilt director, Roar Uthaug) did with Fritt Vilt 2 is piece together a sequel that not only goes toe-to-toe with its forefather, it surpasses it.

Now, while I did enjoy Uthaug's Fritt Vilt, I did have a few minor quibbles with it, namely being that there simply weren't enough kills. To top it off, with a runtime of 98 min, mixed with a body count that can be counted on one hand, the film ran a little long. In fact, in my review of that film I specifically stated that it should have been at least ten minutes shorter. Thankfully, both of these issues are addressed in Fritt Vilt 2. Not only are there a few more kills, but this installment comes in at a brisk 86 min, which makes for a perfectly balanced modern day Slasher film. However, the most important aspect of what makes Fritt Vilt 2 a superb sequel is the fact that it not only fixes the few nagging issues that Fritt Vilt had, it does so without losing even an ounce of quality, something that is sort of unheralded when it comes to a Slasher film, let alone a sequel to one.

Trading in the confines of an abandoned ski resort for a remotely located hospital on the verge of shutting down (for reasons that are never dwelled upon), Fritt Vilt 2 delivers a setting that feels cold, empty and perfect for stalking. The backdrop, as well as the film as a whole, is brought to life quite nicely by cinematographer Anders Flatland, who clearly knows how to make great use of the hospital setting. While the film is technically impressive, one of the biggest compliments I must hand out are for the deep and cleverly written characters. I appreciate the fact that the characters are full of honest dialogue that proves to be refreshingly confident in its audience's intelligence level. These characters and their interactions with each other feel genuine and true to real life, specifically when it comes to the new female lead, Camilla, who is wonderfully portrayed by Marthe Snorresdotter Rovik.

Like the first film, Fritt Vilt 2 also makes way for some very strong, respectably written female characters. From the returning heroine Jannicke, who is still in complete survival mode, and the compassionate Camilla, to all of the minor female characters, these women are treated as real people, not empty headed eye candy waiting to be slaughtered. It's always refreshing to have female characters in a Slasher film treated in such a way, and when you add that dimension to a film that already does so many things right, great things can happen. And they certainly do, as the end result is a film that brings in all of the best attributes of its predecessor, while leaving behind all of its issues to present the audience with what I consider to be one of the best Slasher films of the last decade.

Great Gift Ideas for: David Lo Pan

Being balls deep in the holidays, many of us are focusing our every effort on last minute gifts items for Christmas. Between friends, family members, co-workers, etc., it seems as if there are always more and more people to shop for as each year passes, and this ever growing number of salivating fiends makes it quite difficult to come up with fresh gift ideas. Now, while it may be tough searching for that perfect gift for your uncle Joe, who doesn't seem to care about anything other than Spike TV, YouPorn and the bottom of a beer can, no one is more difficult to shop for than the cursed evil sorcerer in your life. I mean, you know you can always pick up a few scratch tickets and a special edition Busch bottle opener with Toby Keith's signature engraved on it and ol' uncle Joe will be so thrilled he might even put the feet of his recliner down. David Lo Pan, on the other hand, is much more difficult to satisfy, so as a way to help you get started in the right direction, I have put together this list of gift ideas for the David Lo Pan in your life. 

• Oil of Olay Age Defying Anti-Wrinkle Day Lotion With Sunscreen Broad Spectrum SPF 15: Naturally, David is on a quest to look younger, and he also has very pale skin, which mean he is easily susceptible to burning when out in the sun. This Oil of Olay product will not only help give him the vibrancy he so desires, it will also help protect his fair complexion. 
• A year subscription to eHarmony: With that boring skank Miao Yin out of the picture, Lo Pan simply cannot find the ever lasting love he so desires until he finds himself that one special girl. Preferably a Chinese gal with green eyes who's also skilled as a manicurist, but I believe eHarmony has a filter to help search for those specifics.    
• Sally Hansen Diamond Strength Instant Nail Hardener: If you haven't noticed, David has a few long ass fingernails. They certainly aren't on the Jazz Ison Sinkfield level of grotesquery, but they are long enough to the point where they do need some serious attention to ensure they stay strong and last long.
• Proactiv dark Spot Corrector: Let's face it, when David is in full-on "Lo Pan is the Man" mode, he looks very healthy, with that milky white skin and ability to walk. However, for those days when he's a wheelchair bound David Lo Pan, his face looks pretty jacked up, and this is where the Proactiv can really help him cover up his poop spots.
• $50 Gift Card to Sephora: With his penchant for wearing blue eye shadow, those long fingernails and the incredible amount of powder he puts on his face, Dave clearly has a taste for beauty make-up. Therefore, I think a $50 gift card to Sephora would likely be greatly appreciated. It's nice to let David pick out what he wants, plus it gives him an excuse to go to the mall. He really loves Orange Julius.

I suppose I never realized that shopping for Mr. Lo Pan was sort of like shopping for a lady, but it's tough to keep up with your looks, especially when you're 2,000 something years old. I truly hope this makes at least the shopping you'll have to do for Lo Pan a little easier, and if you have any great gift ideas of your own, please feel free to share them with the rest of us!