Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Eyes In The Dark: A Modern Day Satan's Blade

01 Eyes Poster

Every so often, I run into a film that challenges my ability to process it in a way that actually prevents me from having a clear stance on it. Allow me to elaborate… Written and directed by Bjorn Anderson, Eyes in the Dark is a found footage film that is quite simply awful. From the heard it a million times before story to the seen them just as many times characters, Eyes in the Dark brings nothing of worth to the cinematic table, let alone does it do anything positive for low-budget horror as far as showing what it's capable of. The setting is as familiar as that weird mole on your inner thigh (seriously, what is up with that thing? And why do you always pick at it?), focusing on seven "teenagers" who have decided to spend their last weekend together at a snowless ski lodge before collage starts. Does any of this sound familiar?


Each character is introduced through the lens of a video camera that the resident dick face brought with him so he can tape the entire weekend (THANK GOD for that!), and this is where we learn all we need to know about each character's, well, character. But seriously, who fucking cares about character details and traits in a movie like this?  I don't even know why I mentioned it. I guess you cannot expect too much when a film's core consists of boneheads, beer, babes and bikinis, all while spewing out dialogue consisting of, "Let's go skinny dipping!" and "Hope we have some chips." Me too, you know, so I can put the empty bag over my head in the hopes that suffocation quickly occurs.


With an ensemble of friends that make every teen character from the Friday the 13th franchise look deep and richly written, Thighs of Darkness doesn't bode much better when these nitwits are faced with danger. The details of that danger are a little sketchy, as by the time the innkeeper where they are staying at explains it, I was organizing my taxes (Now that's scary! HAHAHAHAHAHA.). Regardless, I did get the gist of the film's conflict, which involves ancient monsters that eat people for reasons I couldn't explain to you even if I cared. They do have red glowing eyes and growl quite loudly, therefore making their presence known with out having to resort to the use of those over-the-top, obnoxious Hollywood special effects. However, they do resort to some pretty incredible puppets that unfortunately aren't clear enough to truly enjoy.


Look at that chicks face. That's love, baby

People are killed, footage is missing and/or spliced together for the reason of exposition, boredom is to be had and nothing is to be gained at any point. Well, almost. Now, as I mentioned earlier, I had some issues making up my mind as far as my actual enjoyment of Eyes in Dark Places, as I kind of knew (thanks to the world of the internet and other reviews) that this movie was going to blow me with shattered glass teeth. Well, it did blow me with shattered glass teeth, and for the first fifteen minutes or so, I wanted to see if microwaving your head with the door still open is possible. Once I got passed that point though, I started to ALMOST find Eyes on the Dork entertaining. ALMOST being the keyest of words since that term was coined.

Here's where I have the internal conflict. There's nothing to like about the movie, in fact, I didn't actually like anything about the movie, but after some time, I just stopped getting annoyed and simply let myself go. Maybe it can be looked at as giving up, but I see it as more me not feeling like the movie was worth my utter hatred. It's not as if the film is even entertaining on a so bad it's good level, because it's really not, whether or not there are times when it does come close. It's more or less entertaining because I couldn't believe what I was seeing at times.


What it really comes down to is, Guys with a Dark-mass runs parallel with its own lead character, Josh (Wayne Bastrup, who is also today's screen grab star), who serves as a sort of make or break for anyone that watches the film. Playing the guy behind the camera, Josh is so fucking annoying at first. Like, there was a point where his voice, his face and his dialogue made me want to start cutting myself. However, after a short amount of time with king dickweed (whoa, did you just say weed, bro?), I almost began to appreciate him and his incredibly grotesque presence. He literally snarls and sneers throughout the entire movie, making these rapey sexual faces on the constant. I was waiting for him to maybe do a lizard like tongue flick or that thing where you lick around the edges of your lips all seductively, and then I realized it wasn't 1983 anymore. Too bad, 'cause home slice would've done it. 

So, what it comes down to is, Pies on the Tarp is a pile of steaming diarrhea, but I was just so enamored with how horrendous it was, that it got to the point where I almost enjoyed it. Again, keyword being almost.   


  1. Bravo for getting through it. This is an unbelievably epic shit sandwich.

    I think the Blair Witch-y extreme close-ups, sniveling and crying were the best parts of the film. I know I laughed out loud.

  2. I think I would actually enjoy this movie only with the soundtrack of your review playing in my head.

    Now if you'll excuse me, I'm curling over dying of laughter.

  3. CTK: I sat on this one for a while because of your review! I remember thinking I was in for some trouble when it showed up at my door and after reading how you felt about it. However, that may have been a help for the film, as well as me. Let's just say, I'm glad I knew what I was in for beforehand!

    Ashlee: HA ha, thanks! Maybe I'll record a commentary track for it, and snarl my way through it!

  4. Extremely derivative and a total borefest. Probably the second worst screener I received since the summer. Your review was better than the film, so thanks for braving the storm to entertain.

  5. It's the worst screener I have gotten thus far, which is pretty good I guess. However, I do have one that I really don't even want to bother with because I can only imagine how shitty it is going to be!


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