I recently stumbled on this video for the Australian VHS board game, Nightmare, which came on the scene in 1991 and apparently took Australia by storm. The result of Nightmare's popularity can be seen in the video below, which includes a promotional video, a few commercials and a handful of other promotional material, all of which is nothing short of completely magnificent.
And when I say magnificent, I mean, there are some serious dance parties involved here, and all I can wonder after watching this video is where the hell was I when this was all going on? Like, I would have totally killed that dance floor back in '91, straight moving my hips for the love of horror and VHS! But alas, my mad moves and infectious grooves were kept at bay here in the states, only to dream of that one day when they could be unleashed in front of The Gatekeeper!
Good lord it's been forever since I last posted anything up in this piece, and for that, I apologize. Though, I suppose you'll get over it over time, because as we all know, time heals all wounds as well as all gaps between blog posts, too.
Anyway, I don't want to get into too much detail for my lapse in posting at this exact moment in time, because I am only really dropping in to do a little plugging. And no, I don't mean that in a sexual way. Yet. Instead, I am here to share with you the gift that is the latest issue of Paracinema Magazine!
Paracinema issue #15 has been dubbed The Revenge Issue, with fantastic articles such as:
When Life Gives You Razor Blades: Bloody Vengeance in Hobo with a Shotgun by Christine Makepeace (I know her!)
Revenge is a Dish Best Served Raw and Wriggling: Park Chan-Wook’s Vengeance Trilogy by Samm Deighan
Going Back Home: Post-Vietnam Masculinity in Rolling Thunder by Adam Blomquist
Point Blank: Nobody Knows by Melvin Cartagena
You Want It, You Got It: The Grim and Gritty Extremes of Punisher: War Zone by Patrick Smith
Chainsawing Well is the Best Revenge: Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2‘s Texas Sized Vengeance by Zachary Kelley (I know him, too!)
And there's plenty more where that came from, home boyeee!
And there you have it… it appears as if issue #15 of Paracinema promises to dish out the revenge as cold as can be, and with a line-up of articles covering the Vengeance Trilogy, Rolling Thunder and Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, well, consider me sold, brah.
You can grab a copy of Paracinema #15 on the Paracinema.net website (click here!) for a measly $7! That's a crazy good price for a magazine that has, like, hardly any ads and is filled with great content! Alternatively, you can pick up Paracinema Magazine at many a fine retailer. Not sure if there's one near you, well, here's a retailer list (click here!)! I got you covered, homie!
Written and directed by Luther Bhogal-jones, Creak is the first film to come from Sincerely, Psychopath productions' new Disposable Screams banner, which will be focusing on a series of short horror films. Assuming you've already watched the short before reading this, you more than likely have already figured out Creak is an extremely short film that comes in at just about five minutes - minus the credits.
There isn't much here to break down, as Creak is fairly straightforward in its narrative. As someone who watches a fair share of shorts, both jean and horror, I really appreciate when a short film can dish out some food for thought in a less than ample amount of time. Alternatively, I also enjoy a short that can simply tell a quick, stripped-down tale of terror, and that is what Creak does. Creak doesn't necessarily bring anything to the table that hasn't been seen or done before, nor is it something filled with any sort of actual depth, but what it does do is provide some impressive lighting and editing techniques.
There is definitely a level of professional skill shown with Creak, and I think it's safe to say I'll be keeping tabs on what ever shorts come out of Sincerely, Psychopath's camp, both jean and horror. This would especially be the case with their upcoming short, Knock Knock, which Bhogal-jones describes as "a Bava/Argento inspired affair."
Well before he ever Crip Walked his green little ass into da 'hood, or took one giant leap for Irish-kind by going up into space, the Leprechaun found himself spreading his particular brand of mayhem in the city of sin, Las Vegas, in 1995's Leprechaun 3: No Hysterical Subtitle to Speak of, Unfortunately.
Directed by Aussie genre-film icon Brian Trenchard-Smith, Leprechaun 3 takes the tiny titular terror, frozen in stone, and places him in a Vegas pawnshop. It isn't long before the pawnshop's owner removes a protective medallion from around the Leprechaun's neck, freeing him from his stone encasement and allowing him yet another chance to wreak havoc on all those who dare touch his precious gold.
"The concentration it takes to look into your eyes right now is incredible"
A great deal of Leprechaun 3's first half is spent with the Leprechaun trying to retrieve a gold shilling the pawn shop owner got his greedy little hands on, but the only thing keeping him from doing so is the power of the magic medallion. However, while the storeowner is protected by the medallion for the time being, I think anyone who knows well enough is aware that our friendly little Leprechaun is one tenacious bastard when it comes to his cherished gold, even when the cards are stacked against him.
Meanwhile, on the other side of the Vegas strip, a super sexy magician's assistant named Tammy (Lee Armstrong) runs into some car trouble on her way to work. Luckily for her, an out-of-towner named Scott (John Gatins) comes to her rescue and offers to give Tammy a lift. There is instant chemistry between the two characters, and going against her gut, Tammy allows the under 21 Scott to sneak into the casino, so long as he promises not to do anything stupid like gambling. However, it isn't long before the charmingly naïve Scott cashes in his $23 thousand dollar college tuition, only to lose all of his money to some rigged casino games.
Always bet on black… lipped Leprechauns
Desperate, broke and seeing his future go down the toilet, Scott figures his only solution is to trade in his valuable wristwatch for some cash so he can try to make that big LL come back. And can you guess what happens next? That right, Scott makes his way to a pawnshop so he can pawn off the watch, and it just so happens to be the same pawnshop where the Leprechaun is! What ARE the chances? Well fairly good, I suppose. In any event, Scott avoids a vicious tussle with the Leprechaun after he grabs one of the gold coins and wishes he were back at the casino and on a winning streak. Naturally, Scott's streak of luck cannot last forever, as the Leprechaun is hot on his tail now and forever. And so long as he or anyone else posses the treasured gold, tales of death, murder and destruction will continue to be told.
Now, when most people think of great gambling movies, generally films such as Casino Royale, Rounders, The Gambler, and Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels are the types of films that would normally come to mind. Of course, while I enjoy all of those films, and many others that fall into the sub-genre, there is no other that can entertain quite like Leprechaun 3: The Wrath of Chaun. Okay, I made up that "Wrath of Chaun" business to punch up the film's title a little; you know, to make it worthy of the film itself. Sorry for being a liar.
"You mind putting this coin in your slot for safe keeping?"
Anyway, outside of the mildly mediocre leads (though Scott's insanely oversized cargo-vest is a magnificent character in and of itself), the cast is actually quite good, with stand out comedic performances from John DeMita as Fazio, an inept magician, and Caroline "Stretch" Williams as Loretta, a past her prime, greedy casino employee. But while there is a copious amount of hilarity found from those two bumbling characters, as well as a few others, it's the humor that comes from the film's main attraction, the Leprechaun, that really delivers the laughs in spades. As he has done throughout much of the series, the great Warwick Davis deals out numerous memorable moments as the Leprechaun. For example, seeing Lep interact with an Elvis impersonator is incredible on its own, but seeing him do a fucking full-on Elvis imitation, complete with swinging hips and all, is one of the greatest things I have ever seen.
Leprechaun 3 is the type of movie that does exactly what it sets out to do, and that is deliver a few laughs, a few kills and some pure, unadulterated amusement. From Lep's ability to spit the sickest rhymes on the block, to the inventive, Vegas inspired death scenes, you know that Brian Trenchard-Smith and co. went all in when making this straight-to-video sequel, and as a result, Leprechaun 3 truly hits the B-Movie jackpot.
Well, 2011 may be way over, but I still have a little unfinished business to attend to, and this time it comes in the form of my worst movies of 2011. Unlike some of the films found on lists from previous years, this list of worst isn't quite as bad, I suppose. Though, I do find it incredibly difficult to think any movie can even come close to being as bad as 2009's Wolverine, so I always know I have that going for me right there.
Exit 33/Eyes in the Dark
Moving right along, I made the decision to group the first two films on my list together, and the reason for that being is I find both of them to almost be the same. Not the same in terms of story or delivery, but in how they both affected me as a horror movie fan. Both Exit 33 and Eyes in the Dark aren't exactly the types of films making an appearance on any cinema listings at the local multiplex, but they are, in my opinion, perfect for a few drinks with likeminded friends. Neither of these movie are even close to being "good," but they are truly authentic B-Movies. And while a majority of genre fans would poop all over both of them (and rightfully so), I think there is a chance they will be making a select group of horror fans laugh their asses off in 20 years. With that said, regardless of whether or not I found both Exit 33 and Eyes in the Dark to be kind of fun, it is a necessity that they make some sort of an appearance on this list because they are simply awful, inept and flat out stupid. And I cannot ignore that fact, no matter how bad my taste is.
Oh, Insidious… how is it that you, out of so many other great horror films released in 2011, were so successful, while being so incredibly mediocre? A horror film that wasn't a remake or a sequel - but was oh so far from being original outside of its grossly over explained astral projection gimmick - Insidious certainly garnered its fair share of positive attention in 2011 from horror fans. But while it sits firmly on this list of worst films from 2011, and as deservingly scathing as my review was of the movie, I didn't hate the film; I just thought it was utterly unimpressive. I'll give credit where credit is due: I thought there were some nicely put together scenes of nail-biting tension early on in the film, but there was also an obnoxious lack of restraint shown with each of these scenes, and things got progressively worse as the film rolled on. It's too bad, really… I honestly wish I could have loved Insidious, but instead all I got was a film that wouldn't even make my top fifteen horror films of 2011.
It hasn't been all that long since I watched and reviewed the next film on my worst of 2011 list, and, quite frankly, the boredom the film riddled me with is still quite fresh. George: A Zombie Intervention is not a horrible film by any stretch, it's just a pretty boring one. And to top it off, for a movie that is being sold as a zombie comedy, I found it to be far from humorous outside of its initial concept. There are a few funny moments here and there, but George: A Zombie Intervention pushed jokes too far and over-the-top into places that were so completely far from entertaining, let alone funny. Honestly, outside of writing this here list, I feel like I could have never thought about this movie again and been totally okay with it.
Naturally, I had very little in terms of expectations for a film such as The Roommate, and the fact that it couldn't even live up to those expectations says a whole lot about the quality of the film. Helmed by Danish filmmaker, Christian E. Christiansen, a clear gun for hire getting his big break in Hollywood in the worst of ways, The Roommate is certainly the type of film I will often get a kick out of when done right. I love me a hokey obsessed teen/young adult thriller as much as the rest of them. I love how over-the-top they can be; I love how predictable they usually are; and I love the sheer drama of it all. Unfortunately, The Roommate only delivers on one of those aspects, and that comes in the form of how predictable it is. And while I still found that to be marginally entertaining, there was nothing else there to enjoy. Where I think a film like this suffers the most is the lack of sleaze. The film is a little too safe and generic to be anything more than a high-budgeted Lifetime movie, which, in Lifetimes defense, usually delivers the goods on a much better level. The only real thing The Roommate has going for it is it's nice looking cast, specifically Minka Kelly. Though, it's a little hard to get into her too much knowing that she allowed both Derek Jeter and John Mayer to plunge their lame dicks inside of her. Seriously, honey, set some standards for yourself. Babes are a dime a dozen, and so aren't bad, unoriginal, unentertaining thriller with no balls.
Columbiana
Of all the new films I watched in 2011, I think the award for most unfulfilling has got to go to Columbiana. Directed by Olivier Megaton, Columbiana sucked a megaton of life force right out of me in a way that actually caused me to try and drown myself in my very own toilet. This Luc Besson scripted travesty not only suffers from unoriginality, which can be overlooked for the right reasons, it does not deliver on what it needed to most, the action. All of the actual fight and chase scenes are simply lackluster, unfocused and highly erratic. I saw nothing that I have not seen a million times before, in movies that I probably thought were mediocre at best. If you are trying to sell me on a pseudo-hokey action/revenge/assassin film, then at least give me some decent action scenes. At least Zoe Saldana is nice to look at, but she might even be too skinny for me, a guy who rarely criticizes women for being thin.
Welp, hope you enjoyed my list, or at least felt some sort of emotion about it. I honestly don't think anyone will give a shit about seeing any one film appear on this list except for maybe Insidious. In that case, I'm sure there are a few out there who are a tad pissed that it's on here, but it is what it is. Who knows what I will think about it in a year or so. Rob Zombie's Halloween 2 was on my scarce worst of 2009 list, and I sorta love that movie now. Really, I do.
Over the past year or two, a slew of onetime Kevin Smith fans have been pouring out of the woodwork claiming they no longer appreciate the writer/director, some even going as far to say that they now hate him and everything he has done. While much of his post '90s work is sketchy at best, everything beforehand is note worthy for individual reasons, and I find it highly misguided that some would take away what Smith had done early on due to the gradual downfall in the quality of his films as his career has progressed and sanity deteriorated. I understand the fact that some have outgrown his brand of humor, and his films just don't speak to some people anymore, something that is a fair assessment for an aging/maturing film fan who grew up with Smith's movies. But to full on rain hate on the man and everything he has done seems like it's more about bandwagoning and one-upmanship than anything. It's become chic to dislike Kevin Smith, and that bothers me.
The reason I am yapping on about all of this is because I still consider myself a fan of Kevin Smith. I don't cherish him as I once did when I was younger (and often baked like a potato), and I have certainly outgrown him in many ways, but I still appreciate what he did for Independent film back when he burst onto the scene. I'm what you could consider a fair and balanced fan of his work, unclouded by fanboydom and not unjustly critical.
Enter Smith's latest film Red State (2011), an oddity in the director's repertoire due to its serious tone, subject matter and its lack of dick and fart jokes. Red State is Smith's attempt at making a film unlike anything he has done before and, coming off Cop Out, it comes at a time when he is probably at his lowest in terms of fan acceptance and critical discontent. Being fair and balanced about Smith, I look at Red State with an open mind and no unfair expectations.
Based on what I have heard and read about other movie fan's opinions of Red State, the film has received extremely mixed reviews, collectively leaning more towards the good side of the equation. I've read from some that Red State is one of the worst films they have ever seen, while others proclaim it to be one of the year's best genre offerings. For me personally, the fair and balanced guy, I cannot get behind either sentiment in the least.
You probably already know the basic plot, so I'll spare you the details for the sake of review length, but the quick rundown is Red State is sort of like if From Dusk Till Dawn met the opening to The Devils Rejects and the two moved to Waco, Texas for a nice little brunch with David Koresh. Now, as good as that sounds, it doesn't necessarily reflect upon Red State's quality as a film, but that's not to say it's a horrible movie, either.
Something that really stands out about Red State is its pacing. Smith picks his audience up and drives them right out of the gate, guns a blazing, and as soon as the film's three teen protagonists are introduced, they find themselves in some seriously deep shit. The quick cut-to-the-chase pace is something I really appreciate about the film's opening, but from there, Smith makes what could be looked at as a bold move by hitting the breaks on this breakneck pace, bringing the film to a complete and total halt. Smith takes this time to focus on developing a character and his beliefs by giving him a sermon that must last at least fifteen minutes long. I appreciate Smith taking such a chance by slowing things down as much as he did, giving Michael Parks character, Abin Cooper, plenty of time to deliver a sermon for the ages. It worked for me, but I'm not surprised in the least that it doesn't work for everyone. It's a bit alienating, but in a way, that is the point. Smith was trying to alienate viewers, trying to make them think - trying to make them angry. So, take that as you may.
Red State is very much about keeping the audience on its toes. Specific events occur, changing the plot's focus from out of nowhere and without much warning, and when you think the movie is going one way, it goes another. Now, while that works in the moment, it's hard not to look at Red State as being a bit too jumbled after the fact. It's two or three different movies that gel together in theory, but don't fit in a way that makes an interesting, cohesive story worth caring about past the film's final moments, let alone even the midway point. I was along for the ride for most of the movie, but by the film's end, I was simply left empty, like as if Red State left almost no real impression on me outside of having to start processing this overly long review.
While I believe that all films should be judged on their own merit, as opposed to a director's previous work, the departure from normal (aka flat-out comedy) for Kevin Smith with Red State is surely fascinating. He has tackled religion in the past (with much better results), but never has he been more serious than with Red State, and that is very much reflected on screen with how the film was crafted visually. Red State is most definitely Smith's best-looking film, or at least the most visual film he has done thus far. And, to his credit, it's well put together for someone who is not that type of director. With that said, it's all mostly standard fare, and if you've seen one gritty, low-budget, digitally shot film with a case of Parkinson's, you've pretty much seen them all.
Smith is clearly saying something with Red State (and, at times, saying a little too much), and some would rightfully claim he was being more than heavy-handed in his approach. Granted, there is nothing being said in Red State that hasn't been said before, but I feel as if Kevin Smith really felt the need to get this all off his chest, and he was being genuine and true to himself in doing so. That truly shows with just how drastically different the film is from any other he has ever done before. I don't think he was trying to prove anything to anyone; he wanted to make this film for himself, and I fully applaud the attempt, regardless of its many flaws.
My overall feelings about Red State perfectly reflect my overall feelings about Kevin Smith. There are things about the film I enjoyed, but there are so many issues to be found throughout. There is no sort of emotional impact whatsoever, and the amount of time spent explaining shit that didn't need to be explained was quite tedious, if not simply uninteresting. Both Smith and Red State are terminally confused in many ways, and it seems as if Smith has issues with expressing himself coherently, and that bleeds deeply into the final product. Red State is a movie that, unless it comes up in conversation, I will probably never think about again, and that's because it really didn't give me enough of a reason to.
As I sit Indian style in a field of golden wheat, bathed in the illuminous rays of the summer's sun (just go along with it), away I pluck at my six string, singing to you, Happy Valentine's Day!
