CNAMB's Worst Movies of 2011

Well, 2011 may be way over, but I still have a little unfinished business to attend to, and this time it comes in the form of my worst movies of 2011. Unlike some of the films found on lists from previous years, this list of worst isn't quite as bad, I suppose. Though, I do find it incredibly difficult to think any movie can even come close to being as bad as 2009's Wolverine, so I always know I have that going for me right there.

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Exit 33/Eyes in the Dark

Moving right along, I made the decision to group the first two films on my list together, and the reason for that being is I find both of them to almost be the same. Not the same in terms of story or delivery, but in how they both affected me as a horror movie fan. Both Exit 33 and Eyes in the Dark aren't exactly the types of films making an appearance on any cinema listings at the local multiplex, but they are, in my opinion, perfect for a few drinks with likeminded friends. Neither of these movie are even close to being "good," but they are truly authentic B-Movies. And while a majority of genre fans would poop all over both of them (and rightfully so), I think there is a chance they will be making a select group of horror fans laugh their asses off in 20 years. With that said, regardless of whether or not I found both Exit 33 and Eyes in the Dark to be kind of fun, it is a necessity that they make some sort of an appearance on this list because they are simply awful, inept and flat out stupid. And I cannot ignore that fact, no matter how bad my taste is. 

 Eyes in the Dark Review

 

Exit 33 Review

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Insidious

Oh, Insidious… how is it that you, out of so many other great horror films released in 2011, were so successful, while being so incredibly mediocre? A horror film that wasn't a remake or a sequel - but was oh so far from being original outside of its grossly over explained astral projection gimmick - Insidious certainly garnered its fair share of positive attention in 2011 from horror fans. But while it sits firmly on this list of worst films from 2011, and as deservingly scathing as my review was of the movie, I didn't hate the film; I just thought it was utterly unimpressive. I'll give credit where credit is due: I thought there were some nicely put together scenes of nail-biting tension early on in the film, but there was also an obnoxious lack of restraint shown with each of these scenes, and things got progressively worse as the film rolled on. It's too bad, really… I honestly wish I could have loved Insidious, but instead all I got was a film that wouldn't even make my top fifteen horror films of 2011.

Insidious Review

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George: A Zombie Intervention

It hasn't been all that long since I watched and reviewed the next film on my worst of 2011 list, and, quite frankly, the boredom the film riddled me with is still quite fresh. George: A Zombie Intervention is not a horrible film by any stretch, it's just a pretty boring one. And to top it off, for a movie that is being sold as a zombie comedy, I found it to be far from humorous outside of its initial concept. There are a few funny moments here and there, but George: A Zombie Intervention pushed jokes too far and over-the-top into places that were so completely far from entertaining, let alone funny. Honestly, outside of writing this here list, I feel like I could have never thought about this movie again and been totally okay with it.

George: A Zombie Intervention Review

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The Roommate

Naturally, I had very little in terms of expectations for a film such as The Roommate, and the fact that it couldn't even live up to those expectations says a whole lot about the quality of the film. Helmed by Danish filmmaker, Christian E. Christiansen, a clear gun for hire getting his big break in Hollywood in the worst of ways, The Roommate is certainly the type of film I will often get a kick out of when done right. I love me a hokey obsessed teen/young adult thriller as much as the rest of them. I love how over-the-top they can be; I love how predictable they usually are; and I love the sheer drama of it all. Unfortunately, The Roommate only delivers on one of those aspects, and that comes in the form of how predictable it is. And while I still found that to be marginally entertaining, there was nothing else there to enjoy. Where I think a film like this suffers the most is the lack of sleaze. The film is a little too safe and generic to be anything more than a high-budgeted Lifetime movie, which, in Lifetimes defense, usually delivers the goods on a much better level. The only real thing The Roommate has going for it is it's nice looking cast, specifically Minka Kelly. Though, it's a little hard to get into her too much knowing that she allowed both Derek Jeter and John Mayer to plunge their lame dicks inside of her. Seriously, honey, set some standards for yourself. Babes are a dime a dozen, and so aren't bad, unoriginal, unentertaining thriller with no balls. 

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Columbiana

Of all the new films I watched in 2011, I think the award for most unfulfilling has got to go to Columbiana. Directed by Olivier Megaton, Columbiana sucked a megaton of life force right out of me in a way that actually caused me to try and drown myself in my very own toilet. This Luc Besson scripted travesty not only suffers from unoriginality, which can be overlooked for the right reasons, it does not deliver on what it needed to most, the action. All of the actual fight and chase scenes are simply lackluster, unfocused and highly erratic. I saw nothing that I have not seen a million times before, in movies that I probably thought were mediocre at best. If you are trying to sell me on a pseudo-hokey action/revenge/assassin film, then at least give me some decent action scenes. At least Zoe Saldana is nice to look at, but she might even be too skinny for me, a guy who rarely criticizes women for being thin. 

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Welp, hope you enjoyed my list, or at least felt some sort of emotion about it. I honestly don't think anyone will give a shit about seeing any one film appear on this list except for maybe Insidious. In that case, I'm sure there are a few out there who are a tad pissed that it's on here, but it is what it is. Who knows what I will think about it in a year or so. Rob Zombie's Halloween 2 was on my scarce worst of 2009 list, and I sorta love that movie now. Really, I do.

Insidious: More Like In-shitty-ous

I knew nothing of James Wan's Insidious up until I started to actually see trailers for it on television. I can't say that it completely grabbed my attention right away, but I did wonder what this film was that flew so stealthily under my radar up until that point. It looked as if it could be promising, but I paid little attention until mostly positive reviews started to roll in from fellow bloggers and other such reviewers. That, and how the film had a strong and long stay at the box office, making it one of the most profitable films of the year (and in comparison to its budget, a relative success) certainly got me very interested in seeing what was being described as a solid, spooky haunted house tale.

When the DVD saw release this passed Tuesday, I was pumped to finally have the chance to catch the biggest horror movie of the year, thus far, and I even made it my GBtMC DVD pick of the week. Sweet, right? Well, maybe not so much.  

This has been a big film for people within the horror community, so I would assume that most of you that haven't already seen it have a good idea what it's about. However, this review is better suited for those that have indeed seen Insidious; with that being the case, I'd rather not waste keystrokes on a plot and just get right into the shit.

Right off the bat I was a little concerned about the film's dialogue and some sketchy performances, specifically that of Dalton as played by Ty Simpkins. The kid sucked, plain and simple, and that is always a bad thing with any movie that has a child as its focus. Luckily, that bad performance goes into a coma, so I didn't have to deal with him too much after the first twenty some odd minutes. However, Leigh Whannell's weak and hokey sounding dialogue rears its ugly head enough times to cause multiple groans from this one man audience, and I couldn't help but feel sympathy for the actors that had to deliver some of these lines. And unlike Dalton, the dialogue never goes into any sort of coma, no matter how hard I wished it would.

Now, before I move onto my other problems, now would be a great time to praise the film for what it does right, though, this will certainly work as a great segue into other issues I have. One thing that many had claimed about Insidious is that it is a genuinely creepy haunted house film, and that is, in fact, where it does work best. Wan uses a great mixture of music (at first) and film to disorient the audience effectively in a few early, key scenes, and this was a nice and welcome surprise coming from the man that directed Saw. Unfortunately, this leads into one of my biggest issues with Wan's direction in Insidious, and that is his lack of restraint.

Wan has no clue how to pull his punches, and there are some standout and very terrifying moments in Insidious that are slightly tarnished by taking the viewer one-step too far and into a place that's basically silly. For instance, there are two (of the film's better) scenes in particular where a little too much is shown "spirit" wise. One of the scenes is when Renai (Rose Byrne) is seeing someone walking back and forth outside of her window at an alarming rate. The person is going faster and faster when suddenly they appear inside of the house, which is a shit worthy moment until a second later when the apparition is revealed to be this weird, longhaired European guy who growls and attacks Renai before disappearing. Guess what? Leather jacket clad European dudes aren't scary unless you're bombed and at a club in Prague or in a Hostel film. 

The other scene also involves Renai (who spells their name like that? And please don't say your mom. in that case, I'm kidding), and this is when she is in the new house alone, and that little creepy dude drops a beat and starts dancing like the dancing queen he was always meant to be. Now, this moment is a bit out there, but it was still pretty chilling in its oddness. However…Wan WANce again (ha!) goes too far when he has Renai look into a cabinet, only to have the little guy pop out and run away while giggling, and it's at this point that the tension of the scene is lost and I began to smile in disbelief. 

Things don't get much better when it comes to the main villain (?) of Insidious, the fire creature that haunts Dalton in the further (yeah, we'll get to the further soon enough). I actually thought the Darth Maul-esque monster was somewhat cool looking at first, but that was until I got a good look at his forked tongue and stomping hooved feet in the film's horrible climax. By this point, all I could think was really?

Everything about Insidious simply piles on waaay more than the audience needs to see, and far more than what is necessary to make a successful scary film. Too much is shown and way too much is explained, and it's all done with a drop of shitty dialogue mixed in for good measure. 

Key moment of bad dialogue meets way too much explanation: "I call it the further" Really. You call it the further, huh? Hey, since you gave it a name, why don't you go ahead and explain it to us? Oh, you will? I was kidding. Damn. 

Now, was any of that necessary? I mean, even if you blew your load over Insidious, can you really find any reason as to why any of that needed to be explained, let alone giving it a name such as the further?! I need to understand WHY!! In addition, it should be said that those whacky ghost hunters were a great way to break up the horror. When they showed up on screen, it really felt as if I was suddenly watching a scene from The Happening, and we all know how awesome that movie was.

I have one last order of business to attend to before I finish up here, and this is exactly where both Whannell's bad dialogue and the Wan's lack of restraint come together to fully fill up the toilet bowl in a way that only they, as a team, can. This is a small moment, but in many ways, this moment perfectly sums up the ridiculousness of Insidious for me.

*SPOLIERS*

There is one key moment of awfulness involving Josh (Patrick Wilson) and that European longhaired guy as they are fighting to the death (or whatever) in THE FURTHER! Josh, being afraid and in THE FURTHER, is getting his ass kicked, however, thanks to some coaching and inspiration that explains to him that he is strong enough to beat the European dude, he summons the power of Gayskull and effeminately pushes the European guy away while yelping: "Get away from me!" I could not believe my eyes and ears. This moment was so laughable I thought I lived in an alternate universe where bad was good, up was down and my farts smelled nice. It has the same impact as one of those rape protection self defense videos that teach women to protect themselves by fighting back using assertive verbal skills as they punch their trainer in the cock.

           

And yet, this chick has way more balls than Josh does

I could go on and on and on and on about how troubled Insidious is. From the horrendous final act to the even worse ending, Insidious had so much potential to be a great, frightening horror film, but instead it turns out to be a yet another disappointment from the guys that have led me down this path more than once before. Despite showing some incredible diversity in style (the film looks quite incredible overall) and being able to genuinely create some truly eerie moments, team Wan and Whannell have once again duped me into believing they might have made a great horror movie. However, maybe it's not so much their fault as it seems as if many fans really enjoyed this film. Maybe it's me; maybe I'm the one that's wrong here…

Nah. 

 

(You can rent Insidious as well as over 70,000 other titles at www.lovefilm.com)