CNAMB's Worst Movies of 2011

Well, 2011 may be way over, but I still have a little unfinished business to attend to, and this time it comes in the form of my worst movies of 2011. Unlike some of the films found on lists from previous years, this list of worst isn't quite as bad, I suppose. Though, I do find it incredibly difficult to think any movie can even come close to being as bad as 2009's Wolverine, so I always know I have that going for me right there.

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Exit 33/Eyes in the Dark

Moving right along, I made the decision to group the first two films on my list together, and the reason for that being is I find both of them to almost be the same. Not the same in terms of story or delivery, but in how they both affected me as a horror movie fan. Both Exit 33 and Eyes in the Dark aren't exactly the types of films making an appearance on any cinema listings at the local multiplex, but they are, in my opinion, perfect for a few drinks with likeminded friends. Neither of these movie are even close to being "good," but they are truly authentic B-Movies. And while a majority of genre fans would poop all over both of them (and rightfully so), I think there is a chance they will be making a select group of horror fans laugh their asses off in 20 years. With that said, regardless of whether or not I found both Exit 33 and Eyes in the Dark to be kind of fun, it is a necessity that they make some sort of an appearance on this list because they are simply awful, inept and flat out stupid. And I cannot ignore that fact, no matter how bad my taste is. 

 Eyes in the Dark Review

 

Exit 33 Review

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Insidious

Oh, Insidious… how is it that you, out of so many other great horror films released in 2011, were so successful, while being so incredibly mediocre? A horror film that wasn't a remake or a sequel - but was oh so far from being original outside of its grossly over explained astral projection gimmick - Insidious certainly garnered its fair share of positive attention in 2011 from horror fans. But while it sits firmly on this list of worst films from 2011, and as deservingly scathing as my review was of the movie, I didn't hate the film; I just thought it was utterly unimpressive. I'll give credit where credit is due: I thought there were some nicely put together scenes of nail-biting tension early on in the film, but there was also an obnoxious lack of restraint shown with each of these scenes, and things got progressively worse as the film rolled on. It's too bad, really… I honestly wish I could have loved Insidious, but instead all I got was a film that wouldn't even make my top fifteen horror films of 2011.

Insidious Review

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George: A Zombie Intervention

It hasn't been all that long since I watched and reviewed the next film on my worst of 2011 list, and, quite frankly, the boredom the film riddled me with is still quite fresh. George: A Zombie Intervention is not a horrible film by any stretch, it's just a pretty boring one. And to top it off, for a movie that is being sold as a zombie comedy, I found it to be far from humorous outside of its initial concept. There are a few funny moments here and there, but George: A Zombie Intervention pushed jokes too far and over-the-top into places that were so completely far from entertaining, let alone funny. Honestly, outside of writing this here list, I feel like I could have never thought about this movie again and been totally okay with it.

George: A Zombie Intervention Review

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The Roommate

Naturally, I had very little in terms of expectations for a film such as The Roommate, and the fact that it couldn't even live up to those expectations says a whole lot about the quality of the film. Helmed by Danish filmmaker, Christian E. Christiansen, a clear gun for hire getting his big break in Hollywood in the worst of ways, The Roommate is certainly the type of film I will often get a kick out of when done right. I love me a hokey obsessed teen/young adult thriller as much as the rest of them. I love how over-the-top they can be; I love how predictable they usually are; and I love the sheer drama of it all. Unfortunately, The Roommate only delivers on one of those aspects, and that comes in the form of how predictable it is. And while I still found that to be marginally entertaining, there was nothing else there to enjoy. Where I think a film like this suffers the most is the lack of sleaze. The film is a little too safe and generic to be anything more than a high-budgeted Lifetime movie, which, in Lifetimes defense, usually delivers the goods on a much better level. The only real thing The Roommate has going for it is it's nice looking cast, specifically Minka Kelly. Though, it's a little hard to get into her too much knowing that she allowed both Derek Jeter and John Mayer to plunge their lame dicks inside of her. Seriously, honey, set some standards for yourself. Babes are a dime a dozen, and so aren't bad, unoriginal, unentertaining thriller with no balls. 

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Columbiana

Of all the new films I watched in 2011, I think the award for most unfulfilling has got to go to Columbiana. Directed by Olivier Megaton, Columbiana sucked a megaton of life force right out of me in a way that actually caused me to try and drown myself in my very own toilet. This Luc Besson scripted travesty not only suffers from unoriginality, which can be overlooked for the right reasons, it does not deliver on what it needed to most, the action. All of the actual fight and chase scenes are simply lackluster, unfocused and highly erratic. I saw nothing that I have not seen a million times before, in movies that I probably thought were mediocre at best. If you are trying to sell me on a pseudo-hokey action/revenge/assassin film, then at least give me some decent action scenes. At least Zoe Saldana is nice to look at, but she might even be too skinny for me, a guy who rarely criticizes women for being thin. 

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Welp, hope you enjoyed my list, or at least felt some sort of emotion about it. I honestly don't think anyone will give a shit about seeing any one film appear on this list except for maybe Insidious. In that case, I'm sure there are a few out there who are a tad pissed that it's on here, but it is what it is. Who knows what I will think about it in a year or so. Rob Zombie's Halloween 2 was on my scarce worst of 2009 list, and I sorta love that movie now. Really, I do.

Exit 33: You Take the Exit, He Takes Your Life

All right, there is no way that I, being of sane mind and body, can jump right into a review for Exit 33 without first addressing that DVD cover art. While some may write off such a fine piece of computer created majesty as being cheap and utterly terrible, I personally find it to be infinitely incredible in every way, shape and form. Like, there is nothing that calls to me more than THAT fucking cover art. NOTHING! And look at Kane, all standing there to the side, pipe in hand, daring people to take Exit 33. I think every DVD release and theatrical poster should just have Kane on the side, handlebars all tearing it up, no matter what the film may be. I mean, there'd be a greater chance of me ever seeing a movie staring Ashton Kutcher if I saw "The Hod" straight chillin' in the cut on the side of the poster, just intimidating unsuspecting moviegoers left and right.

Directed by B-Movie auteur, Tommy Brunswick, Exit 33 is, as that cover art would suggest, a low-budget Slasher film staring 'horror legend' Kane Hodder. Instead of focusing solely on the young characters getting stalked and slashed, Exit 33 is mainly told through the eyes of Ike (Hodder), a psychotic gas station owner who gives choice costumers water instead of gasoline, thus causing them to break down and giving Ike the opportunity to bash their heads in with a pipe. Now, Ike is clearly a madman, but as the film's tagline would explain, he does have his reasons for being this way. Without spoiling anything, I'll just say that Ike is haunted by a mysterious one-eyed female spirit. This spirit, along with Ike's carefree son, seems to be the inspiration for who Ike chooses as his victims, all of whom consist of attractive females, naturally.

Luckily for Ike, a group of mostly good looking ladies (and a few dudes. I know, gross) are driving separately to their five-year high school reunion, and the quickest way there is to take EXIT 33! Off Exit 33 lies Ike's Last Chance Gas, which, as one could most probably guess, is a gas station owned by Ike. Ike's Last Chance Gas is best known for Ike's totally human free dear jerky, but it's also known as the perfect place to go if you want to spend some time in Ike's slaughter house getting one of your eyeballs plucked out. And really, what gal doesn't want both of those things?

Exit 33 is a very cheap, direct to DVD Slasher film, and while it's completely cheesy and not at all original, the film is surprisingly much better than one would expect. Now, don't get me wrong, Exit 33 is not a good film, but it is actually decently made considering its budget and the type of movie that it is. It's rough around the edges and there are some crude moments technically, but I expected much worse going into this thing. Also, despite some pretty bad dialogue, the performances are okay enough, with the standout being from the big dawg himself, Kane Hodder. Hodder isn't given much to chew on as far as acting goes, which is too bad as he's surprisingly not too shabby in his ability. Regardless, his presence alone is enough to make him the clear strong point of the film for most fans, myself included.

Unlike many B-Movies these days, Exit 33 doesn't attempt to be more than what it is. The film is certainly bargain bin and hokey, but it doesn't actually try to be either of those things. It never feels as if Brunswick was purposefully making a film that's so bad it's good as much as she was making a film that's as good and fun as can be considering the talent involved. Not that this all results in a masterpiece of modern horror, mind you, but I appreciate the attempt and the final result is more enjoyable than if it were to have been too forced.

So, before I wrap this sucker up, there are a few random observations I made that I feel I should share with you all, but I don't feel like trying to cram them into an awkward paragraph:

• Girl tags a bathroom with a dry erase marker? Is that like the new, super ironic way in which the art of graffiti has gone? 
• Making sex with your underwear on simply doesn't work, unless you are wearing you underwear on your head, that is.
• Wiping your ass with a porn mag might be okay for you, but that shit would ruin my delicate ass worse than a stint in prison.
• Never turn your back on some good jerky.
• Holy ending

It's tough to give Exit 33 a full recommend, as it's not a film that everyone will enjoy. Hardcore Hodder fans should get a kick out of seeing the man behind the mask carry an entire movie on his shoulders, but I don't think your average horror fiend can truly appreciate the type of low rent film that Exit 33 is. On the other hand, if you are a connoisseur of a certain type cinema, the type of cinema that only a few dedicated (and maybe demented) fans can appreciate, then I think you could have a good time with Exit 33. I suppose the best way to summarize this one is, if you can appreciate that DVD cover art up there at the start of this review, then you can certainly appreciate Exit 33. If not, you might want to stick to the highway and take 34.