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Sunday, December 9, 2012

Iced (1988): These Ski Boots Are Made for Stalking

iced 1988

I'm pretty sure that most of you are well aware of the old saying, "It's all fun and games, until someone gets hurt." Well, never has that saying been truer than for Jeff, who was suddenly taken from us when he took to the slopes for a few runs of drunken skiing shortly after being humiliated in a race that was meant to win him a chance with the girl of his dreams. The whole gang thought it would be super happy fun time to take the piss out of Jeff, mocking him for his claims of skiing the Alps and being a weirdo crybaby with no game whatsoever. But boy did they regret it after Jeff took a 3 foot nosedive right on to a pile rocks that probably wouldn't even hurt Elijah Price. Ever since this horrific day, each one of them has been forced to live with this guilt, but now, five years later, as the whole gang meets up for a weekend of skiing, booze, sex, and cooking while lifting weights, they will all be forced to die with it, because Jeff is back… for vengeance! Or for breakfast, but maybe he's too shy to ask?

Iced 1988 Slasher film

"Looks like Jeff's really hit rock bottom!"

Iced 1988 Slasher film 2

"Always a sign of quality to come"

Directed by Jeff Kwitny, 1988's Iced is a tremendously low-budget Slasher film that's so bad it would actually have you believe the main threat is a guy named Jeff. It's the type of Slasher where the real killer is the wardrobe, with ski suites so bright that night skiing is never a problem. Iced is the type of B-Movie where no matter how slow a snowplow is moving, you simply cannot get out of its way before it crushes your body into a pile of slow dead loser. We're talking about the type of film that has more tits in it than a dairy farm, and where most of those tits on display belong to Wednesday Addams. Most importantly, however, Iced is the type of Slasher flick that entertains on almost every level, delivering the goods in a way that make the word "goods" feel somewhat uncomfortable by association.

Despite being a little slow with getting to the kills (and by a little slow, I mean an hour), all of which are completely short of even the slightest touch of quality, Iced is your typical ineptly edited/acted/shot/written B-Movie Slasher flick that tells the age old tale of revenge for something done in the past by a group of obnoxious characters. As far as obnoxious characters go, however, one specific character begs for elaboration, and that is Carl (Ron Kologie), a mini-ponytail wearing coke head who can often be found in the bathroom, naked and wet, doing a little "indoor skiing." His rapey ways, bad sense of humor and how he tucks his black jeans into his cowboy boots (when he's dry and dressed) should be enough to clue you in on the type of guy Carl is (an awesome guy).

Iced 1988 Slasher film 4

"A serial killer wearing busted ski goggles can mean only one thing…"

Iced 1988 Slasher film 3

"Busted ski goggle vision!!"

There are a few familiar faces that adorn the cast of this minor masterpiece, most notably being Slumber Party Massacre's Debra Deliso who plays Trina, the girl who Jeff was in love with before he took a nosedive to his untimely (possible) death. Joining Deliso is another Slumber Party Massacre alumni and the writer of the masterful 1988 Slasher flick, Iced, Joseph Alan Johnson, who plays Alex, a sort of real estate agent who's trying to sell the group of reunited friends on purchasing the weekend getaway property. Of course, I already mentioned Lisa Loring, who plays the desperate for male attention Jeanette. Loring is best known for playing Wednesday on the classic sitcom, The Addams Family, but in Iced, Loring will be best remembered as the girl whose boobs have more screen time than any other character in the film. And to be honest, she's pretty good looking, and her boobs are right as rain, so I'm okay with the erecti… err, direction her career took.

Iced 1988 Slasher film 7

"Hump day indeed"

Iced 1988 Slasher film 6

"Open up and say AHHHHHHHHHH (sorry)"

As bad as Iced is, I will give the film credit for having a good setting, which is inherent when your movie takes place at a cabin in the snow covered mountains. I'll even give props to the film for focusing on adults who actually have somewhat adult issues, even if their dialogue is insanely bad. However, giving credit for things well done means little, because none of those things matter with a movie like Iced. The lack of skill on display as a piece of "cinema" screams straight to video shit, but it's ineptitude is a major part of its charm. If Iced delivers one thing, it's laughs (and boobs), and regardless of whether or not that was the goal, the achievement shall be applauded.

P.S. Instead of sharing the trailer, which I couldn't find anywhere, here's the entire movie on YouTube! The opening ski race should be more than enough to sell you on this one.

10 comments:

  1. "Looks like Jeff's really hit rock bottom!" Ha! This movie sounds fucking terrible, which means that I need to watch it immediately! Plus I'm having a beer (or two) right now, which will probably help--couldn't hurt, right?

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    Replies
    1. It really is awful, but in such a wonderful way! If you did watch it, then I hope you dug it! The beer always certainly helps!

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    2. Yeah, I did watch it and it was enjoyable in it's own goofy way. The overuse of the fog machine for atmosphere and the cheesy soundtrack (which was no doubt supplied by someone's Casio keyboard) definetely cracked me up. And the beer did indeed contribute to my enjoyment of the movie! In fact I created a drinking game:

      Take a drink (or shot):

      *Whenever there's a scene involving fog (for atomosphere)

      *Whenever there's a scene with nudity (male or female)

      *Anytime Jeanette (Lisa Loring/Wednesday Adams) makes out/has sex with someone

      *Anytime there's a shot of the killer's "busted ski goggle vision"

      I guarantee that you'll be wasted in a span of 90 minutes!

      Delete
    3. Ha, that's the type of game that could certainly result in a trip to the hospital! By the way, I didn't mention this in the review, but holy shit are the sex scenes so explicit! Like, full-on late night Cinemax!

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  2. This movie is awesome. My favorite part is when Deliso's husband is stabbed in the neck while eating pie. It's so totally gross to me, but I adore it all the same. I am thinking this would be a fun movie to pull out now that winter has arrived, so thanks for the reminder!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No problem! Thanks for dropping by, and Iced is certainly a great movie to add to the holiday horror rotation! It really doesn't get any better than this one when it comes to purely entertaining B-Movies. It's the best ski resort set Slasher film since Satan's Blade!

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  3. Replies
    1. It's a total blast, Emily! I think you would love it!

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  4. This is easily one of my favorite slashers ever. I blindly watched it once during a snowstorm and was dying laughing the entire time at how horribly great it was.

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    Replies
    1. It's definitely one of my favorite B-grade slashers, too. It really brings the cheese like few can!

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