CNAMB Presents: Monster of the Week!

Hey, remember this segment?! It sure has been a while since I've done a Monster of the Week…maybe I should change the name to Monster of the Quarterly! Aww jeez, just how silly would that be?! Not that I ever really did Monster of the Week every week per say, but it has been far too long since I have done one, so for that, I apologize. So, in it's long overdue return to what will hopefully be a more normal rotation, I have what would be an interesting monster for this edition of Monster of the Week. This is a creature that draws mixed reviews from horror fans for it's celluloid incarnation, but for me, it is a monster that scared the corn right out of my ass when I was a kid and one that I still have a soft spot for.

Alright, lets get this long overdue show on the road and introduce our Monster of the Week… 

Rawhead Rex!

Rawhead Rex is a monster to be reckoned with – this massive madman has appeared in print, film, and even a handful of graphic novels. My first introduction to Rawhead Rex came via the 1986 film adaptation of the short story from Clive Barker's third volume in the Books of Blood series. So, while some may say the movie is awful (including Barker himself), at the time I saw it, it was pretty damned scary, mostly due to how monstrous and toothy Rawhead was. Plus, the Ireland setting is a fantastic one and there is a very appealing and natural atmosphere about the film due to it's dark and gloomy setting. Granted, I was pretty young when I saw the movie, so that of course factors heavily into my fear of the creature quite heavily.

Now, whether or not I enjoy the movie, I know it's not all that great, something that came to me when I first read the short story some years back and was blown away by how good it was in comparison to the film. However, even as I read the story, all I could think was how difficult a story it is to translate to screen, mostly due to the inner thoughts of Rawhead himself. Anyways, the film is not a good one, but it is a fun one for being cheesy and completely out there (that baptism scene?!), and you gotta love that big dopey Rex with his crossed glowing red eyes and intense fear of the female flow.    

I really wish Rawhead Rex would see a rerelease on DVD again someday. Lions Gate Home Entertainment owns the license, but still no plans are in place for a release, which is unfortunate. Either way, I still love me some Rawhead (wait, what did I just type?) and I think he makes for an interesting and fun return to Monster of the Week! 

CNAMB Presents: Monster of the Week!

Some monster are driven by a deep seated anger and rage that comes from having a tough and unfair childhood spent on the streets - some find a way to get that anger and hatred out in a socially acceptable way. Having an outlet, such as boxing to get the anger out is a good thing, but it doesn’t make the person less the Monster if they are driven by hurting others without remorse. Some aren’t able to take the negative experiences of a past difficult life and turn them into something positive for others with their success.

This is the case with this week’s Monster, so without any further ado, the Monster of the Week is…

James "Clubber" Lang!

Appearing in 1982’s Rocky III, James “Clubber” Lang is the opponent and antagonist to the great Rocky Balboa. Clubber Lang is an angry man, and as he works his way up the boxing ranks, his anger is fueled by watching Balboa win frivolous title matches against weak and lesser opponents. He see’s someone at the top that in his eyes doesn’t deserve it and it just makes him all the more upset. Lang is played by the great Mr. T and I think I need not explain who that man is (loved his cereal), but I will say that his performance in Rocky III is quite fantastic. We know that Mr. T was a real life tough guy, that’s what got him the role in Rocky III, but the real T is one of the kindest and most noble people to work in film and television, and that is evident from his positive messages to children over the years. His real life persona almost mirrors that of Lang in a sense, but he decided to make a positive impact, instead of a negative one with his success.

Mr. T is as far from Clubber Lang as it gets and that is what makes him so great in the movie…Lang is incredibly intimidating and he’s as scary as a broken condom. Rocky Balboa has faced many antagonists, but what separates Clubber Lang from the rest of the pack is he never shows any signs of kindness, nor is he apologetic for his negative actions. He is just a mean dude that only wants to knock the block off Rocky Balboa out of hatred and jealousy. Even Ivan Drago wasn’t that bad of a guy and in the end, he showed signs of couth, giving respect for Rocky as a fighter, which eventually led to the end of the cold war. Thank god.

CNAMB Presents: Monster of the Week!

Am I the meanest?

Sho’Nuff!

Am I the prettiest?

Sho’Nuff!

Am I the baddest mo-fo, low-down, around this town?

Sho’Nuff!

Well, who am I?

Sho’Nuff!

Who am I?!

Sho’Nuff!

And who is the Monster of the Week?

Sho’Nuff!!

The Shogun of Harlem!

In the end, Sho ‘Nuff might not be “the master,” per say, but he is the Shogun of Harlem and one of the meanest mofo’s put to screen. Played by the late Julius Carry, Sho ‘Nuff is the antagonist to "Bruce" Leroy Green (played by Taimak) in Berry Gordy's 1985 Blaxploitation/Martial Arts/Comedy/Musical hybrid, The Last Dragon. Meaner than diarrhea, Sho ‘Nuff made it a habit to prove he was the man by picking on the weak and whopping copious amounts of ass on a daily basis. Living the life of a Harlem Shogun isn’t easy, but Sho ‘Nuff did it will style and presence.

One of cinema’s most entertaining villains, with his wild style hair, football pad infused Shogun Samurai outfits, and a voice that would command the attention of James Earl Jones, Sho ‘Nuff is quite the intimidating presence. His Kung Fu skills might have been somewhat lacking, but with an ego as big as Sho ‘Nuff’s…there are very few people that can take him down. Unless they possess the glow, that is.

So, who’s the master?!

Sho ‘Nuff!

Now, kiss my Converse!

CNAMB Presents: Monster of the Week!

In the short history of the Monster of the Week segment, there have been some great creatures, but this week’s pick is a true king in the vast jungle of Monsters, Mutants, and Madmen. Additionally, this pick would also be having a very long overdue, and very much anticipated return to the big screen without having to share any of the glory. With hair right out of the Caribbean, an arsenal of weapons that would make Kraven drool, and blood that would pique the interest of Herbert West, this weeks Monster of the Week goes to…

The Predator!

Originally appearing in John McTiernan’s 1987 classic action film, Predator, the Predator has appeared in a 1990 sequel, two Alien vs. Predator movies, and numerous comic books, video games, and one of the best fan film’s ever made. Created by Jim and John Thomas, and designed by the late great Stan Winston, the Predator was played by the late Kevin Peter Hall in first two films and then Ian Whyte in the Alien vs. Predator movies.

While the AVP films are not up to par, the original Predator is one of the best, and manliest action movies ever made, along with being one of my favorite Schwarzenegger films. Even the sequel, while being very flawed, is quite enjoyable and I love the urban jungle that this sport trophy hunter was placed in. To say that I am excited about a new Predator film would be a major understatement, and it’s about time that this Monster got it’s own movie again after nearly 20 years. One of the most original, intimidating, and just flat out cool creatures ever put to screen, this ugly mother fucker is the definition of classic Monster and a solid addition to the Monster of the Week.

CNAMB Presents: Monster of the Week!

I haven’t done a Monster of the Week in some time - I’ve just been so busy watching Steven Seagal, his Martial Art prowess, his peach colored sunglasses, and his special “Seagal Sense” on Lawman to spend as much time as I should be spending here…with you. Ma bad. So for this week's Monster, I am going with a little something special, a creature that almost harkened back to the creature features of the old days, but did so with a sly sense of humor and a double dash of fun and set in a modern age.

This week’s Monster of the Week goes to…

The Graboid(s)!

These subterranean invertebrate first appeared in the 1990 giant monster movie classic, Tremors and the Graboids were created by that films director Ron Underwood and the writing team of Brent Maddock and S.S. Wilson. Graboids are based off the Mongolian Death Worm and they are incredibly large creatures that are attracted by noise, or better yet, vibrations. They can grow up to about 30 feet at full adult state and have an almost beck like mouth that contains three smaller mouths that extend beyond the Graboids bite and even seem to have a mind of their own. Only weakness that a Graboid has is it cannot pass through solid rock or concrete as it is an underground creature. However, these Graboids are monsters that have brains to go along with their beauty and are able to come up with creative and destructive ways of drawing their pray out for a little snack.

There were a few different versions of these creatures as the series went along, but I only need to focus on the O.G. Graboid as that is where it all started. So sorry, no ass-blasters! The Graboid appeared in four Tremors films altogether and also in a very shirt lived Tremors television series that kinda got the shaft in how it was all handled. Tremors is a fantastic little horror/comedy that mixed in classic B-Movie sensibilities, with a fistful of black comedy, an original creature, and it worked to…Perfection.

CNAMB Presents: Holiday Monster of the Week!

Christmas is just a few days away now and with that joyous occasion comes our final Holiday Monster of the Week. If there is one thing that can ruin your holiday festivities, it's knowing that there is always a threat lurking the snowy streets just outside your door. What's worse is the fact that you may never know exactly when you may run into this menace - it could be at anytime, at anywhere and the end result will never be very good for you.

This week's Holiday Monster of the Week is...

Scut Farkus!

Scut Farkus graced our lives in Bob Clark's 1983 holiday classic, A Christmas Story, which was based off the short stories and anecdotes of author Jean Shepherd. However, the character of Scut Farkus (Played by Zack Ward) was actually written specifically for the film, so the credit for this Monster could go to either Clark himself, or Leigh Brown who also partook in the films writing.

First off, when you spell the name Scott, Scut, you know you are dealing with a serious monster of grotesque proportions. The name Scut alone just sounds awful and seems like it would be a great description for a phlegmy open wound, or a skanky slut perhaps. Everything about him drips bad and just by looking at him, you know his path is not one that you should ever cross. He tucks his super blue jeans into his boots, wears fingerless gloves, he rocks a Davy Crockett cap and out from under that hideous dome piece he'll stare you down with his yellow eyes. He has yellow eyes! So, help me, God! Yellow eyes! I would liken "Scut" to road construction, something that while on your way to and from work or school, can cause quite the inconvenience, except this inconvenience can and probably will result in a bloody nose, or the repeated use of the word uncle.

CNAMB Presents: Holiday Monster of the Week!

Some monsters are in your face with how scary and bad they really are, but once in a while, you get a monster of the worst kind. Nothing is more frightening than an evil demon trapped in the body of an seemingly sweet looking young girl, well, except for genital warts. That is way scarier. So for this weeks Death-cember Monster of the Week, I present you with the vicious....

Lucy van Pelt!

Created by Charles M. Schulz and introduced on March 3, 1952 for the Peanuts comic strip, Lucille "Lucy" van Pelt has appeared in numerous films and television specials, most notably A Charlie Brown Christmas (1965), It's Christmastime Again, Charlie Brown (1992), Charlie Brown's Christmas Tales (2002), and most recently, I Want a Dog for Christmas, Charlie Brown (2003), all of which are her gateway into the Holiday Monster of the Week.

There are plenty of bad kids to be had and while the threat of a cartoon would not seem to be much of one per say, with a child as mean-spirited, cynical, and downright terrible as Lucy van Pelt, she is truly deserving of Monster status. Snarky, condescending, and the way she takes advantage of decent guys like that poor Charlie Brown with her football follies, she really is a despicable character.

She's got a bad attitude, a bad temper, and a bad hairdo...Charlie Brown might be a good man, but you, Lucy van Pelt, are not.

CNAMB Presents: Holiday Monster of the Week!

Why not go a different route and make this months Monsters of the Week holiday themed? Some of the upcoming monsters might not be your typical antagonists that you would find in this segment, but they will be monsters in some capacity, therefor garnering them this prestigious honor.

Our first holiday monster is one that would certainly make it year round, but now would be the perfect time to show some love for this tiny terror. This weeks Monster of the Week is....

Stripe!

Created by Chris Columbus, Stripe made his big Hollywood debut in 1984 in Joe Dante's holiday classic, Gremlins. As the vicious leader of the rogue Mogwai, Stripe came about when dumb ass Billy accidentally spilt water all over his precious pet Mogwai, Gizmo. Voiced by Frank Welker, Stripe has appeared in numerous old school video games based off the Gremlins franchise and also was one of the baddies to some degree in Gremlins 2: The New Batch as Mohawk...a sort of off shoot of Stripe. I am a huge fan of both Gremlins films and it was only a matter of time before Stripe showed up as a Monster of the Week - what better time than during Death-cember?!

Instead of a trailer or a clip of Stripe in action, I will provide you with this fantastic fan made thingy. The Exorcist and Batman segments are so great!

CNAMB Presents: Monster of the Week!

I have a bulldozer of a monster for you for in this weeks edition of Monster of the Week - A character that scared the bejesus out of many kids, kids that were lucky (or unlucky, perhaps) enough to have parents that let them watch anything that was popular, even if it was not meant for kids in any way, shape, or form.

Our Monster of the Week is...

ED-209!

Seriously...the Enforcement Droid Series 209, or simply, ED-209 is one of the coolest parts of Paul Verhoeven's 1987 Sci Fi/action masterpiece, RoboCop (outside of coke being done of some titties!). One of cinemas most imposing creations ever, ED-209 is gigantic, it growls, and looks like a metal bulldog. ED-209 may be the Monster of the Week, but he sure as hell isn't weak!

Designed by Craig Hayes and animated by Phil Tippett, ED-209 is best known by film fans for his (?) appearance in RoboCop and its two mediocre-to-awful sequels. This metal monster also showed up in RoboCop: The Animated Series, and has made appearances in comic books and video games based off the RoboCop brand.

You have 20 seconds to comply, but only 10 seconds before you shit your pants. Better find a flight of stairs with the quickness!

CNAMB Presents: Monster of the Week!

It isn't easy following up the first Monster of the Week when your monster is friggin' Swamp Thing, but it must be done and a great way to go about picking a sophomore monster would be to pick one of the plural variety. A monster that is not just relegated to one creature, but many creatures that work together as one and can unify to fight for the greater cause. To eat yo ass.

This weeks Monster(s) of the Week is (are)...

The Krites!

Krite, is of course the proper term used in referring to the creatures from Stephen Herek's 1986 film, Critters and its subsequent sequels. "Critters," which is actually a racist term in the Krite community, are an often-large group of individual space creatures with a multitude of abilities. Krites can roll up into a tight ball and travel at quick speeds to keep up with their prey, they can shoot porcupine like needles at any unsuspecting victim, rendering them nearly useless - and what would a Krite be without its giant, over sized mouth, filled with a mean set of razor sharp teeth? A Furby. Maybe the biggest asset that the Krite's have is the ability to form like Voltron and become a giant ball of Krite, which rolls around and chomps everything in its path. It also proves that saving the environment, via carpooling, isn't limited to just humans anymore.

The Krites have appeared in four films to date and while they could be looked at as a cash in on other films from the time period that Critters came out, i.e. Gremlins, that first film is a solid B monster movie in the vein of Joe Dante's Piranha. If any franchise were do for a revival, it is Critters and the Krites would be more than welcomed back and are very deserving of my pick for Monster of the Week.

CNAMB Presents: Monster of the Week!

Every week I'm looking to bring you sexy bitches a pick for a "monster of the week," whether it be a creature, a mutant, a zombie, or even a serial killer. Criteria for monster of the week will only require one thing, that I think said monster is dope. No other criteria is necessary if you ask me!

The first monster of the week is...

Swamp Thing!

Created by Len Wein and Berni Wrightson in 1971, Swamp Thing is originally a comic book character, but over the years has graced many different media outlets. Most notably and the main reason for his appearance this week is for the 1982, Wes Craven directed pulp horror film classic, simply titled, Swamp Thing. There was an eventual sequel in 1989, The Return of Swamp Thing, and of course Swamp Thing: The Series TV show that aired on the USA Network from 1990-1993.

A great character and a classic horror monster, who really isn't so much of a monster outside of his moist exterior, Swamp Thing is a creature that I will always be found of. The only thing I have always wondered though, does Swamp Thing ever get a chapped ass like I do when I get swampy in the summer time? If so, what is his remedy?