Good morning class of 1989! Hopefully you got your permission slip signed for our big trip to Back Online. Back On Duty., but if not, I’ll probably let you slide if you’re promiscuous enough and have some cocaine. Anyway, the trip should take about an hour, and when we get there. we’ll be spending most of our time on rooftops, in back alleys and down in the sewers, but you guys won’t know the difference, right?!
Okay, now that I’m done being an idiot, I am here to encourage you to take a few minutes out of this lovely Friday the 13th to head over to the OCP approved Back Online. Back On Duty. to check out a piece I did for a brand new segment entitled Back Online. Back On Doodie. The idea behind this segment is simple: guest bloggers are invited to share a film that they once hated, but somehow, someway, have learned to love over the years. I have a number of films that fall under this category (and vice versa), but after much thought and deliberation with my favorite stuffed bear, the one I went with is Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan!
Honestly, I had no idea that Friday the 13th was nearing when I chose to write about Jason Takes Manhattan, but the coincidence is certainly okay by me. Regardless, please take a moment to stop by Back Online. Back On Duty to check out my hate-to-love relationship with Jason Takes Manhattan, then be sure you spend some time checking out all the other goodies that Eric has in store on what is truly one of the best blogs ON THE PLANET!
Christmas shopping can be quite the task for many of us, especially when it comes to picking out the perfect gifts for those who we love and care about the most. While it's tough searching out the perfect holiday gift for your aunt Janice, whose main interests are cat hair and cigarette butts, no one is more difficult to shop for than your local Robocop. I mean, what exactly are his hobbies? What is Robocop passionate about? What is it exactly that you could purchase that would force Murphy's gun to pop out of his leg with a joyful glee? Well, I went ahead and came up with a few great gift ideas that you can use while out making moves for the Robocop in your life.
A new chick - Seeing as Murphy spends much of his time moping about, daydreaming of a past relationship that is long gone, a great gift idea for him would be a gift card to match.com. I mean, who wants a bummed out Robocop around? Not me, and the only way to get his mind off that old dime piece of his is to get his oil squirting again.
A hat - Because Robo's head is wicked off-putting, and it doesn't take much to cover that thing up. I understand he is going for the whole "I'm still a human being with emotions and feelings" look, but when it comes down to it, your head is a total gross-out, bro.
A bottle of stainless steel cleaner and polish - Working the streets of Detroit can take one heck of a toll on a stainless steel bod. And using a stainless steel cleaning/polishing product will not only clean Robocop right proper, it will also give him that freshly brought to life look he had when he first opened his eyes and focused on that pen.
A pair of middle fingerless gloves - In the event that he must extract important information, or just flip someone the metallic bird, a pair of middle fingerless gloves would be a nice way to keep Murph's hands warm without cramping his style.
Christmas shoes - Something that has always plagued Robocop is the fact that every year when he shows up to church for Christmas mass, there is never a time where he isn't totally embarrassed by the incredible sounds his steel boots make as he strolls into god's amphitheater. A nice new pair of Christmas Shoes, tailor made to fit his specific arches, is the perfect gift to help Murphy with this problem, while also giving him a true sense of style and pizazz. Of course, no pair of Christmas Shoes would be complete without a copy of NewSong's classic Christmas shoe song, The Christmas Shoes. Suddenly, Robo's got a whole new attitude when he's walking down the aisle, ready to take that communion without any fear of standing out in front of the rest of the churchgoers.
Hopefully some of these gift ideas help inspire you to bring joy to the Robocop in your life, while also bringing joy to the world, because a happy Robocop is a hard working Robocop, right?! ED 209 best watch his non-Christian ass.
Recently, the kind folks over at T-Shirt Bordello were nice enough to send a few gifts my way after reading all about my heroic rescue of two baby jaguars that were trapped in a burning building this past March. If you aren't already aware of T-Shirt Bordello, they specialize in t-shirts for the nerd in all of us. With tees covering subjects ranging from Married With Children to Hellraiser, they carry a cornucopia of pop-culture and genre film apparel to dig into, but that isn't all they have to offer.
Have you been suffering from issues keeping track of where you last placed your keys? Try a Bates Motel key chain, it's mother approved. Got a pack of Parliament ultras and no place to put them out? An Overlook Hotel ashtray is nice this time of the year. Are you a big fan of "the drink?" How 'bout taking a few swigs from a Winchester Tavern pint glass?
Those are just a few small examples of what T-Shirt Bordello has to offer, but the star of the show is, of course, the tees. Here are a few of my personal favorites:
Now, as I said, those are a few of my favorites, but my mostest favorites are the two shirts that they sent to me, which just so happen to be from two films I love:
My thoughts are mad deep, son
Straight throwin' out duck lips Like it's no ones business
That's right, Monster Squad and mother fucking Robocop, mother fucker!
The shirts are of solid quality, and the graphics look great and feel as if they will be able to last through more than a few washes without getting all jacked up. Not that I wash my clothes or anything silly like that; I like to have that natural musk that only can come from being unbathed and coated in funk juice. Can you smell it, baby? Okay, that's kind of gross.
All of the shirts are a reasonable $14.99 (plus shipping), and they update their stock with new designs every week, so you're guaranteed to find something you love there. Unless you don't love cool shit, that is. So there you have it, T-Shirt Bordello. Nice people that sent me some nice things that I feel I can proudly pimp to all of you in complete confidence. However, they need to get rid of that Red Sux shirt with the quickness.
Well, it's been quite a while since I had to skip a Hangover, but there was almost nothing on TV worth mentioning this Sunday and I can only do as much as the schedule allows me. Sorry kiddos. I know just how important this segment is to all three of you, so I shall make it up by providing a couple of incredibly odd, but totally entertaining television commercials that I recently discovered. All three of these TV ads star a face that should be more than familiar to all of you, and that is the face of a certain officer of the law known as, RoboCop!
Enjoy the madness that is about to explode all up in your brain…
So like, part of me wants to know what they're saying (in the ads), but deep down, I know the truth cannot be nearly as grand as what is in my mind. Then again, maybe it it is, but I'll never know and never do I desire to find out. Also, nothing says "buy noodles" like a character from a hyper violent sci-fi action flick directed by Paul Verhoeven. On top of that, nothing is more ironic than the character of RoboCop being used to promote consumerism. I guess a cop's salary must not be all that great in a dystopian Detroit if Murphy has to resort to sponsorships, but whatever puts baby food on the table I guess.
I have a bulldozer of a monster for you for in this weeks edition of Monster of the Week - A character that scared the bejesus out of many kids, kids that were lucky (or unlucky, perhaps) enough to have parents that let them watch anything that was popular, even if it was not meant for kids in any way, shape, or form.
Our Monster of the Week is...
ED-209!
Seriously...the Enforcement Droid Series 209, or simply, ED-209 is one of the coolest parts of Paul Verhoeven's 1987 Sci Fi/action masterpiece, RoboCop (outside of coke being done of some titties!). One of cinemas most imposing creations ever, ED-209 is gigantic, it growls, and looks like a metal bulldog. ED-209 may be the Monster of the Week, but he sure as hell isn't weak!
Designed by Craig Hayes and animated by Phil Tippett, ED-209 is best known by film fans for his (?) appearance in RoboCop and its two mediocre-to-awful sequels. This metal monster also showed up in RoboCop: The Animated Series, and has made appearances in comic books and video games based off the RoboCop brand.
You have 20 seconds to comply, but only 10 seconds before you shit your pants. Better find a flight of stairs with the quickness!
After serving not nearly enough time for reprehensible animal cruelty, Michael Vick and his mistreatment of dogs is deserving of a fate much worse that the short prison term he served. What would I do if I were to decide the fate of the QB with the passing skills of my mom? I would let the dogs loose on him! Now, Vick is as fast as a bowel movement after a sit down dinner at Taco Bell, so you need special dogs to take this guy down and give him the punishment that he deserves. I'm not talkin' about Caesar Milan's little bitch ass pack of pooches; I'm talkin' straight thug dogs, the kind of dogs that would not get punked by no mark ass buster like Vick. Here is my list of dogs that I would choose to do the deed - these are the baddest of the bad - this is The Dog Pound!
Rottweiler - A rottweiler, that doubles as a cyborg?! Now that is scary. Any dog that rocks a pair of platinum fronts is as badass as it gets in my book. The only person who could possibly keep them self safe from certain death-by-dog would be, Robocop (or RoboGeisha perhapes?). Cause he's a cyborg type of dude, even then, does he really stand a chance? Altered by Science - to Wear Platinum Fronts!
Cujo - Awww, this cute little doggie has a barrel around his neck - too bad that barrel is filled with blood! This rabid St Bernard ain't playing any symphonies this time around; the only music Cujo will be bumpin', is the sweet sounds of your screams as he eats your ass. Who's the Boss now?
Man's Best Friend - More like Not Man's Best Friend. Another dog that reached monster status due to science, but unlike Rottweiler, this bitch is upgraded by genetics! This mutated mutt, Max, brings the terror to the Max. If you think you can out run him, you can't, if you think that you can peddle away on a bicycle, you can't, if you think you can climb a tree to safety, you just can't. There is no escaping Man's Best Friend!
White Dog - A dog that seems to be a sweet as pie, a pie with a blood filling! This dog isn't a cyborg nor does it suffer from rabies, this bleach blonde barker suffers from severe abuse by its former owners. This abuse results in the pale haired German Sheppard being more racist against black people than Bernie Mac in Don’t be A Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood. However, this dog does take well to training if done properly, or so it seems, as this dog turns out to be racist against everyone that is not of the canine variety. Two leggers beware; White Dog is not cool with your ass!
Dog The Bounty Hunter - The biggest and baddest dog of them all, Dog the Bounty Hunter has no problem with making a fool out of you if you decide to skip bail. If the look of wavy mullets, and droopy tanned skin isn't enough to frighten ya, Dog also has his own pack that he roles with just in case he needs some back up. "No Brah…I'm the bounty hunter, dog!"
Man, Vick would be in some serious shit with this crew of mean mutts...he better carry around some milk bones for distraction, and hope for the best, and that he doesn’t run into that dog from Cabin Fever!
