Hey guys. How’s it going? That’s cool. I’m doing well, thank you. I know I haven’t been around much, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t been thinking about you. Because I have. In fact, I think about you a lot. Like a lot lot.
Besides thinking about you, I’ve also been getting around a bit, and I don’t mean sexually (yes I do). To be more specific, I was asked to play guest host on an episode of the buffest podcast on the planet: CULT OF MUSCLE! In this very special episode, I join Jake and CDR as they kick off Sleazy Summer, a month-long, multi-podcast sleaze-a-thon featuring podcast heavyweights such as Hammicus, The Feminine Critique, The Trashy Trio, Married With Clickers, Silva and Gold, and The Gentleman's Guide to Midnite Cinema. Seriously, shit is epic.
In any event, Jake, CDR and myself covered a pair of doozies: 1979’s BLOODRAGE and 1983’s CROSS COUNTRY! It was an absolute blast partaking in such an epic event, and if you aren’t already listening to Cult of Muscle on the regular, no time is better than now to start. Believe you me when I say that these two studs deliver on one of the most enjoyable film podcasts on the planet. Shit, in the universe, even!
If you’d like to check out the episode. and I know you do, you can hit the link below to listen. Alternatively, you can find Cult of Muscle on iTunes, where you should subscribe and listen to them every day until you die. Or until you run out of episodes to listen to. At that point, well, you can just listen weekly.
Hey, that might seem like a whole lot to take in, but that’s not all I have for you! In fact, my good buddy Karl Bezdin is celebrating the five year anniversary of Fist of B-List, and to help him celebrate, he asked ME to provide a guest post!
Seeing as this is such a special occasion, being a five year anniversary and all, I had to bring the thunder, or at least try to, and I did so with a ridiculous post addressing the importance of being properly dressed to survive an American Martial Arts film. You really never know when you’ll find yourself fighting for your life in a ninja training camp that doubles as a major cocaine operation, so it’s best that you dress the part, and the best way to prepare yourself is by hitting the link below!
Okay, that about does it. Again, I apologize for not being around so much, but as you can see I’ve been fairly busy playing guest host as well as getting ready for
Good morning class of 1989! Hopefully you got your permission slip signed for our big trip to Back Online. Back On Duty., but if not, I’ll probably let you slide if you’re promiscuous enough and have some cocaine. Anyway, the trip should take about an hour, and when we get there. we’ll be spending most of our time on rooftops, in back alleys and down in the sewers, but you guys won’t know the difference, right?!
Okay, now that I’m done being an idiot, I am here to encourage you to take a few minutes out of this lovely Friday the 13th to head over to the OCP approved Back Online. Back On Duty. to check out a piece I did for a brand new segment entitled Back Online. Back On Doodie. The idea behind this segment is simple: guest bloggers are invited to share a film that they once hated, but somehow, someway, have learned to love over the years. I have a number of films that fall under this category (and vice versa), but after much thought and deliberation with my favorite stuffed bear, the one I went with is Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan!
Honestly, I had no idea that Friday the 13th was nearing when I chose to write about Jason Takes Manhattan, but the coincidence is certainly okay by me. Regardless, please take a moment to stop by Back Online. Back On Duty to check out my hate-to-love relationship with Jason Takes Manhattan, then be sure you spend some time checking out all the other goodies that Eric has in store on what is truly one of the best blogs ON THE PLANET!
Because you can never get enough me, the great Karl Brezdin of the exceptional B-martial arts film blog Fist of B-List was kind enough to feature Chuck Norris Ate My Baby (aka the blog you are reading right now!) in his latest segment of Fist of Further Reading!
In this earth altering segment, I was challenged to answer five questions that shed some light on my blog as well as my love for B-level martial arts movies. Many of these questions were quite difficult to answer at first, therefore I had to spend a few weeks training among the stone warriors at the Terra-Cotta ruins with my pet hawk to enlighten myself before answering them.
As a result of my intense training, I was able to answer Karl’s questions with the ferocity of a diamond encrusted tiger, so please take a moment to head over to Fist of B-List to read about ME! Furthermore, if you aren’t already reading Fist of B-List, then you’re missing out on one hell of an awesome blog that is solely focused on B-grade martial arts movies. And even if you aren’t a fan of B-grade martial arts cinema, I still think you’ll find some serious enjoyment out of what Karl does, so get to it, brah!
The ever incredible T.L. Bugg of The Lightning Bug’s Lair celebrated his FIVE YEAR (!) blog anniversary in August, and to help him celebrate such an incredible feat, he asked a bunch of awesome peeps (and myself) to take a defensive stance on specific genres of cinema. In what the Bugg has dubbed Why (Genre) Matters, myself and a bunch of passionate writers tackled topics and genres spanning everything from Trash Cinema and Westerns to Hitchcock and Horror Fandom. As for my topic, I got the opportunity to express why Action matters.
Now, while this seems like an easy A for someone who absolutely adores the action genre in ways that few can comprehend, this was sort of a difficult task for me at first. However, I found an angle that I think defends the genre in a way that expresses its depth as well as its importance in cinema. Though it very well could be a bunch of nonsense, but I’ll let you decide that for yourself.
Also, be sure you take the time to check out all of the Why (Genre) Matters’ posts. There are some seriously wonderful people/writers involved, so I highly encourage you to dig into one of the coolest events the blogosphere has ever seen!
Before I sign off, I do want to take a moment to thank T.L. Bugg for asking me to take part in such a major event. Over the years I’ve been lucky enough to hang out with Bugg on a number of occasions, and he’s become someone who I consider a true friend. With that said, I want to wish him a happy five year anniversary, and I look forward to what the next five years bring us!
With October being just around the corner, I've been keeping myself quite busy gearing up for the Fourth Annual Chucktober Festival of Lights, but I've also been keeping my pretty little behind busy doing up a handful of guest posts for other blogs, one of which I'm going to talk about right now! As you can see from the banner above, Back Online. Back On Duty is celebrating one of my favorite genres of cinema with Yeah! Guns 'n Shit! 80s Action Week, and the always chiseled and flexing Eric was sweet enough to ask me to participate. Naturally, I was ecstatic, so I grabbed my button fly jeans, a handful of baby oil and a pair of black snake skin boots and got to writing up a Gymnasty review of the greatest Karate meets Gymnastics movie ever made, EVER!, 1985's Gymkata! So, now I ask you to please, after you're done with this post, head on over to Back Online. Back On Duty to read my review of Gymkata. And while you're there, check out all the other sweat drippin' action goodies that Eric has in store!
While I have your adorable yet slightly melon shaped eyes adorned with the beauty of my words, I'd like to take a moment and step away from the pummel horse to pimp out the latest issue of the greatest genre cinema magazine ever put to magazine, Paracinema! Issue 17 of Paracinema Magazine is STACKED with some seriously awesome articles from people who are equally as awesome as the articles they have written. And, like Gallery Furniture, that's no bull.
Check out some of what's in store!
“Endemic Madness”: Subversive 1930s Horror Cinema by Jon Towlson
Of Bonsai and Balance: The Hero’s Journey in The Karate Kid by Patrick Cooper
You Can Clean Up the Mess, But Don’t Touch My Coffin: The Legacy of Sergio Corbucci’s Django by Ed Kurtz
Be Kind, No Need to Rewind: The Preservation, Demand and Ubiquity of Shot on VHS Cinema in an Increasingly Digital Landscape by Justin LaLiberty
I Don’t Want to See What I Hear: Paranoia and Personality Eradication in The Conversation by Todd Garbarini
Black Cats and Black Gloves: The Influence of the Gothic on Sergio Martino’s Your Vice is a Locked Room and Only I Have the Key by James Gracey
What did I tell you? STACKED! The Conversation? The Karate Kid? Django? 30's Horror? VHS? Your Vice is a Locked Room?!
If you haven't been reading Paracinema Magazine, then issue 17 is about as good any to start with, and it's only $7!! Head over to Paracinema and pre-order issue 17 right now, unless you want to know how it feels to be sad, because without Paracinema, you are indeed a sad, sad person.
Not too long ago the mighty Eric from the equally mightyBack online. Back on Duty. asked if I would participate in an event worthy of busting out the ol' Black Jack Gum and cracking open that pack of menthols I stole from the corner store. This event would come to be known as Slaterocalypse, a week long celebration dedicated to the films of the great, and when I say great, I mean great, Christian Slater.
Now, chances are that Eric doesn't have access to my memories, so he probably isn't aware of the fact that there was a time when I was pretty much obsessed with a few of Slater's films, specifically Gleaming the Cube and Pump Up the Volume. Both films are a great representation of the type of kid I was at the time in which they came out, and I watched both of these movies on a constant basis. In fact, there were times when I used to watch Pump Up the Volume as often as twice a day (usually smoking stolen cigs). That sounds pretty over the top now, but I was 13 at the time and the rebellious nature of the film filled a void that very few could.
Anyway, what I'm getting at here is it's very awesome that Eric decided to ask me to take part in a Christian Slater theme week, because he is an actor who did a handful of films that were quite influential on me as a youngster. Now, Pump Up the Volume naturallywould have been my first choice to review as a part of Slaterocalypse, but it was already taken, unsurprisingly. However, of the options that were left, I think I fared well considering I was able to pick a film that I not only have always enjoyed but one that I actually bought on DVD recently and had been wanting to rewatch, and that is Lot 249 from Tales from the Darkside: The Movie.
So, why not take a moments to stop by Back online. Back on Duty. to check out my horror host approach to Lot 249, and while you're there, check out all the other Christian Slater goodness that has overtaken his blog with the force of 10,000 hail storms. I don't even know what that means, but it does sound pretty bad ass. Click here for all the action!
Some time back I was asked by America's sweetheart, T.L. Bugg, master of disaster and the main-man behind The Lightning Bug's Lair, to write a guest post for his Alfred Hitchcock specific segment, Hitch on the Hump. This is a segment that Bugg has been doing on and off again for quite some time, so for him to ask me to take part is quite the honor. Even more so, it gave me a reason to delve into some Hitchcock, and seeing as I was lucky enough to check out Rear Window on the big screen just a few weeks back, my film of choice came pretty easily. So head on over to The Lair, read about my thoughts on Rear Window, as well as my experience seeing it in the cinema, and be sure to check out all the other goodies the Bugg has to offer! I heard he has lots of speed and dildos, and we all love speed and dildos, right?!
I'll keep this snappy as to not bore you with details, but what I have here in this post is the formation of thunder and lightning coming together to create a storm of epic proportions. The thunder would come in the form of Aaron from The Death Rattle, and the lightning would of course be me, the guy that writes the kind of crap you're reading right now. More importantly, the storm that has been mustered up by our length and girth coming together (what?) is in the form of WEcast, which is essentially Aaron and I each recasting a specific film however we best see fit. That specific film would happen to be a movie that is held near and dear to horror fans across the universe, a little movie known as, The Monster Squad. Any questions? Well, lets get going then…
We'll start things off with Aaron's picks for his "Rock Opera" version of, The Monster Squad!
Aaron's Squad
Sean: Justin Long
Not a big fan of Justin Long but he doesn't get on my nerves as much as he does other people's. Sometimes he's funny and yes, sometimes he's annoying, but for the most part I don't really mind him. I'd have him play Sean because he strikes me as someone who has nerdy qualities about him but can still be a leader. He wouldn't be the stereotypical strong hero either, but rather one who acts like a total bitch while under pressure and makes mistakes while providing some comic relief without going too overboard.
Patrick: Giuseppe Andrews
I'm a big fan of Giuseppe, but I'd cast him for the simple fact that he really needs to be in more movies and in bigger roles. I had a few people in mind for this role, but when it came down to it, Giuseppe was the guy. His Deputy Winston character from the CABIN FEVER movies is hilarious and I think he'd make the perfect sidekick to Sean in this film. I can see him and Justin Long having good chemistry together. I originally had Giuseppe playing Sean with Harmony Korine playing Patrick, but that would have been way too creepy.
Horace: Andy Milonakis
Not a fan of Andy Milonakis, but I couldn't really think of a lot of overweight actors out there who don't completely get on my nerves. The Jonas dude from SUPERBAD? Ugh. Seth Rogan? No thanks. Plus, Andy Milonakis is like thirty-something years old but looks like he's sixteen, so I think he would be a good fit into the cast of grown men who need to act and somewhat look younger than they really are.
Rudy: Jared Leto
Since my fucked-up version of the MONSTER SQUAD is a Rock Opera, we'd need someone to represent the good guys who can actually sing. It was either Leto or Kevin Bacon, so I obviously went with Leto. In the original, Rudy was the cool older kid who the rest of the characters looked up to, and Leto's a rockstar, so there you go. In this remake, he would be the singer of some shitty cover band and work at Home Depot. Not that there's anything wrong with working at Home Depot, but it would kinda keep his character a little more grounded to reality and not make him some bigshot rock singer (in a shitty cover band), and most importantly give him (and the rest of the guys) access to the material they need to make monster-destroying weapons. Besides, I have to admit that I am a fan of 30 Seconds To Mars, but don't tell anyone. I might lose my street cred.
Phoebe: Alexa Vega
To be honest, I don't know much about Alexa Vega, but I do know that she can sing, which would come in handy as far as creating some musical numbers for the good guys in this trainwreck of a Rock Opera. The only thing I've ever seen her in was REPO: THE GENETIC OPERA, and she did a pretty good job in it despite the movie being kinda stupid and way too overhyped (*cough*Bloody Disguting). She'd basically be the annoying teenage sister of Sean who develops a crush on the hunky Rudy and therefore tags along with the Monster Squad. And instead of Patrick's sister being the so-called virgin, it would be Phoebe. Only to find out that she really isn't a virgin (what a slut), which is where Patrick's sister would come in.
Patrick's Sister: Shannyn Sossamon
For no other reason that I'm head over heels in love with Shannyn Sossamon. As far as her character, she'd still have to be a virgin just like in the original, except she'd REALLY have to be a virgin so that she can come in at the last second and save the day. Now, how could we pull off someone as incredibly sexy as Shannyn being a so-called virgin while having some believability behind it? Simple. We'd just make her a nun. Super religious chick, joined a convent when she was old enough to, and she comes out of the convent to help her brother and his friends battle the evil monsters by reading Van Helsing's diary and using it to defeat Dracula. I can also picture Shannyn in a nun's habit doing the one-handed shotgun pump before blowing one of the monsters away (most likely Gillman). Nuns with shotguns.
Eugene: Kodi Smit-McPhee
The weird kid from THE ROAD and LET ME IN. In this remake, he'd be Sean and Phoebe's little brother so that he's not just some random little kid who hangs out with a bunch of older dudes who more than likely partake in some ganja-smokin'. He'd also be the character who develops a friendship with the Frankenstein Monster as opposed to Phoebe. Instead of Horace being bullied for his weight, it would be Eugene for being a loner and a runt. That's where Rudy would come in, and Eugene would use him to get in with his older brother and friends. Eugene would also be the one who the "good guys" would ultimately have to rescue from the monsters at some point. Can you tell I put way too much thought into this?
Dracula: David Bowie
If you know me well enough, you're probably wondering why I wouldn't have picked Mike Patton to play Dracula since he's my favorite singer. The truth is, I honestly can't see him pulling it off, even in a fake movie that exists only in my head. Anyone who has seen FIRECRACKER knows he's not the best actor in the world. Bowie, on the other hand, isn't just a good actor, but a damn fine singer as well. A favorite of mine. He'd also make an interesting Dracula. In this version, he wouldn't look like your typical Bela Lugosi type of Dracula, though. He'd be a hybrid of the traditional Count Dracula and the Goblin King from LABYRINTH. Instead of a bat, he'd turn into an owl. And he'd do a really sassy musical number.
Wolfman: Glenn Danzig
I think Danzig would make a great Wolfman because he's short (I don't know why, but the image I have in my head of the Wolfman is that of a tiny, but angry, monster), he would probably look pretty cool in the wolf makeup, he would no doubt contribute some great Goth Metal tunes to the soundtrack, and, most importantly, He Is The Wolf. I might be a little biased since the Misfits are one of my favorite bands of all time. I'd just have to hire extra security to make sure none of the North Side Kings were around the set. We don't want any incidents.
Frankenstein Monster: Vortex
Who? No, not Vortex the awesome heavy metal band, but Vortex the former bass player and co-vocalist of the "Black Metal" band Dimmu Borgir. Why, of all people, would I cast some random ex-bass player of a mainstream Black Metal band as the Frankenstein Monster? Well, for one, the dude is almost seven feet tall. And he can actually sing. Plus, he's from Norwegia or Scandinavia or some random European country where a lot of Black Metal bands are from (and no doubt live isolated in the mountains like misanthropes because they're too "Metal" for the rest of society), so he can add a little bit of European flavor to the bad guys.
The Mummy: Snoop Dogg
This was a no-brainer (get it?) because Snoop is super skinny and already has the build of a Mummy. All you gotta do is wrap him up in some bandages. Plus, the Mummy has that distinctive "Mummy walk", so maybe Snoop could just kinda do the pimp limp. He'd be a Hip Hop Mummy. A Mum-mizzle, my nizzle. There would be braids sticking out of the bandages on his head and he'd be constantly be surrounded by clouds of smoke. You'd never see him actually smoke any marijuana, though. That would be the whole inside joke.
Gillman: Michael Phelps
Who better to have play an aquatic humanoid creature than an Olympic gold medalist swimmer? In the original SQUAD, the Gillman didn't really do anything except throw a casket and get shot the fuck up by Horace. In my version, he'd be a lot more aggressive and, with Phelps playing him, he'd have some pretty kick-ass swimming skills. Imagine being in the water and having Michael Phelps in a Gillman costume swimming after you? You'd be fucked.
Scary German Guy: Werner Herzog
Hands down the easiest character to cast. Well, not easy to cast, but easy to come up with a list of choices for. I wish I could share all of the alternate choices I had for actors to play this role, and trust me it was hard to narrow it down to Werner Herzog despite how awesome he would be. In the end, though, I did go with Werner, just because he's actually German (well, "Austrian", but whatever) and he has a great voice. Can you just picture him trying to teach Phoebe to read Van Helsing's diary in German and constantly getting frustrated when she can't get it right? It would be hilarious. And then the ghost of Klaus Kinski would show up at some point and cuss Werner out while choking him.
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Stay tuned for tomorrow will bring us my WEcast picks for, The Monster Squad!
Hey babe, this isn't written by me but is a guest post provided by Dylan from Starcostumes.com. It's a look at horror alternatives to Toy Story 3, but you can read that for yourself, so I'll let Dylan take it away…
While Toy Story 3 is making quite a big splash both critically and commercially, it's certainly not everyone's cup of tea, especially for those who prefer their tea blood red. Yes, the Toy Story movies offer very little to horror fans, save for some pretty freaky toys in the second movie, so those looking for some scares are left out in the cold. While everyone is getting their thrills with Woody and Buzz Lightyear, here are five films that horror fans can turn to for their toys-come-to-life fix.
Child's Play
The Child's Play franchise is arguably the most infamous example of toys coming to life and murdering people, so I'll get these out of the way right off the bat. The original Child's Play was released in 1988. When the serial killer known as "The Lakeshore Strangler" transfers his soul into a Good Guy doll via some serious dark voodoo, it kicked off a franchise that spanned over fifteen years. Chucky and crew have been in five movies and a reboot of the series has been planned for a few years now. The one major difference between Chucky and the Toy Story gang? Chucky won't play dead when people are around. Instead, he'll just kill everyone.
Puppet Master
Puppet Master is a popular horror movie from the tail end of the 1980s. If you haven't heard of it, maybe you've heard of one of its nine sequels? In true horror movie fashion, Puppet Master became a cult classic and little baby Puppet Masters started shooting out every few years, with the latest entry - Puppet Master: Axis of Evil - scheduled for release later this month. The first movie in the series involved rival psychics battling it out with puppets brought to life by an Egyptian spell. Later in the series, the puppets became the protagonists. Even weirder, some of the later movies involved Nazis. Yeah, it's an odd series.
Demonic Toys
This isn't as well known a movie as some of the others on the list, but it's possibly the most appropriate. Whereas Child's Play is about dolls and The Puppet Master is about puppets, Demonic Toys is all about, well, toys! You'll find no Slinky Dogs or Mr. Potato Heads here, though. There's an evil teddy bear, a terrifying jack-in-the-box, and more. And like Toy Story, they all have names, like Grizzly, Jack Attack, and Mr. Static. They actually sound a little cuddly, but don't be fooled, the teddy bear swings a mean baseball bat. Nobody's going to be upset if these things get sold off at a yard sale.
Magic
This movie holds a special place in my heart because it was actually filmed about 20 minutes from my podunk town in Northern California. It's probably the most exciting thing to ever happen to this county. Magic features Anthony Hopkins as Corky, a magician/ventriloquist who uses his dummy Fats in his magic act. And yes, of course the dummy is evil. Fats convinces Corky to do unforgivable things before eventually getting in on the act himself. But Fat's intimidating presence extends beyond the fictional realm of the movie. Hopkins reportedly took the doll home once to work with it, but became so unnerved by it that he called the ventriloquism consultant for the film and threatened to throw the doll into a nearby canyon if it wasn't picked up immediately.
Dolls
In Child's Play, a serial killer transfers his soul into a doll to prolong his life. In Dolls, Gabriel and Hillary Hartwicke, a seemingly-innocent elderly couple, have been trapping the souls of the immoral into dolls and puppets for who knows how long. And when guests visit their rather large mansion, those toys spring to life and make short work of them. Dolls was never as big as Child's Play, which is a shame, as it came out a year and a half prior and was possibly the inspiration.
So there you have it. If you have a hankerin' to watch some murderous toys go about their business, these five films will get you started. If you're still not satisfied, Child's Play, Puppet Master, and Demonic Toys spawned several sequels you could plow through.
