New Year's Revolution!

First off, I quickly wanted to say that I hope everyone had a great New Year's Eve. I know I did with a disturbing amount of alcohol and the eventual breakout of what I like to call, Matt's Moves. The dance floor will never be the same again.With the year known as 2010 being over and done with, it's time to look forward to the future here at CNAMB. Now that the year has passed, it's time to start thinking about my best (and worst) films of 2010. I figured I would wait until the year was actually over to put something together, which gave me some more time to catch up with a few films that I wanted to see, even if I missed way more than I would've liked to. Either way, that should be making its way to these here parts in the next week or so as well as a few other year end thingies.

As far as the blog goes, there will be a few changes, mostly with the exclusion of a few key segments that have been around for nearly as long as this blog has been kicking. I will more than likely do one last Freddy's Friday Night Dance Party to send it out on a fun note, and it's all but a big bye-bye for The Horror Hangover, too. They seem to have lost their luster and become a choir more than anything. It's fun to come up with various ways to do segments like those but, at the same time, nothing sucks worse than having to feel obligated to do them. Also, spending up to an hour trying to find some of the videos for FFNDP is nothing short of time consuming and frustrating.

With segments leaving equals more time to do other shit. I don't have anything specifically planned, but I would like to do different things like the True Grit/Winter's Bone post or the Brundlefly Christmas gift guide, which were posts that I wrote instead of wasting time throwing Dance Parties and having Hangovers (which only made the previous decision all the easier). I also want to try and scale down the length of my reviews. I have an incredibly difficult time writing short reviews, only because I usually have so much to say and it's hard for me not to say it all (and yet I hold back so much!). However, I think these over a thousand word reviews may be a bit alienating to some of you kids out there. The comments have dropped drastically, and I would assume that it was either due to A) my reviews suck, or B) people see the length and for the hills they run (that's not what she said). I can at least try and fix one of those issues.

Now this post is suddenly getting too long, so I leave you with this, a thank you to everyone that made 2010 a great year here at CNAMB, as well as a massive thanks to all of the awesome people that have breached the internet to become good friends. And now, onto 2011…

Winter's Grit: These Boots Are Made For Walking

As I sat in the theater watching the latest Coen brother's film, True Grit, I quickly noticed a certain familiarity with the character of Mattie Ross (Hailee Steinfeld). The film's main focus, Mattie is an intelligent and determined 14-year-old girl who will stop at nothing when it comes to finding the man that murdered her father in cold blood. This young female character immediately brought me to thoughts of Ree Dolly (Jennifer Lawrence), the lead protagonist in Debra Granik's incredible film, Winter's Bone. Much like Mattie, Ree is a smart and unwavering female character that also has a difficult task that she is faced with. But as opposed to finding her father's killer, Ree is trying to find her father - who may or may not even be alive – so she can save her family from an uncertain fate.

Two very different women that both share a single goal, armed with a drive that would dwarf even the largest of obstacles. Mattie and Ree are inspiringly strong female characters who share many qualities despite their cultural differences. They are what you could call survivors in a way, but one is forced to do so out of necessity, while the other does so to see that justice is served for the one that she has lost. Both have what I would like to call true courage, though, in Mattie's case, she may be too young and naïve to see the danger in which she is putting herself. Then again, maybe she does in fact see it and simply doesn't let it topple her strong spirit. Ree, on the other hand, has to have courage. She has to because if she doesn't, not only will it affect her, but her defenseless family, too.

Even at the age of 17, Ree is already a world-weary woman due to living a very difficult and hardening life. She is not well educated, but her smarts come from the survival instincts formed by living in the very difficult world that she was born into. She has grown up in a place where it is a necessity to endure, and she is using that strength to fight tooth and nail to keep from losing her home. A home that would be lost if her bail-jumping meth-cooking father isn't found. This isn't a story about a girl trying to find her father to save him. Instead, it is about a girl that will risk her life in a dangerous world (that many of us are not at all familiar with), not to keep a roof over her head, but the head of Ree's two younger siblings and ill mother. In this situation, Ree has become the mother, the one that has the ability to take charge and keep her family from situations that no one should ever have to be confronted with. Including herself.

Mattie has a lot more going for her as far as a future goes. An incredibly quick witted and sharp young lady, she has the ability to make things happen with her tenacity for verbal deliberation. She is so young, which makes it easy to underestimate her but it's also something that works to her advantage when she is able to get the best of unsuspecting adults. She understands laws, she understands her rights, and has no problem with letting people know that she will not be easily pushed around. She rides down a road that is never made any less difficult for her due to her age or sexuality, but it is just those qualities that seem to feed her aggressive posture, making her a stronger force because of it. She is driven by despair for a father that was wrongfully taken from her and will stop at nothing to see that his killer pays for his crime.

What Mattie and Ree share as characters is simply how resilient they are to the oppression that faces them. There is no wall that either of these "girls" cannot scale because their drive is too intense, too important. These are fantastically written characters and are brought to life by equally amazing performances. In a movie where Jeff Bridges shows just why he won an Oscar, Hailee Steinfeld is able to stand out in what is a wonderful performance for such a young girl. In fact, it may even be good enough for an Oscar nod, in my opinion. As far as Jennifer Lawrence goes, well, lets just say that in a world where someone like Sandra Bullock can win a sympathy Oscar for playing a hallow character, then it would be a travesty if Lawrence wasn't granted the shot to win for a character and performance that truly should be applauded.

Snowbeast: Fur is so 1980

Deep in the frigid mountains of Colorado, the proprietors of the Rill Lodge Ski Resort have come under attack by a creature so vicious, even John Denver's succulent voice cannot stop it. A monster that feels not the pain of the winter's biter cold as it is driven by a thirst for blood that can only be quenched by that of yuppie skiers decked out in Fluoro ski suits. Many have heard of Bigfoot, Yeti, the Abominable Snowman, but they all fail in comparison and can do nothing more than bow down before the ultimate elemental survivor, the Snowbeast! What's the difference between all of these creatures? Actually, outside of coat color, I don't think there really is, but the name Snowbeast does have a badass ring to it, now doesn't it?  One thing I am sure of is, things are about to get rocky up in these here mountains. 

This 1977 made for television horror film uses the often imitated Jaws formula but does add a whole lot of skiing to the mix. Not water skiing, mind you…that was in Jaws. I mean real skiing. Not that water skiing isn't real skiing or anything, I just mean the kind of skiing that is done on slopes that are made of compacted snow and ice. I would hate to insult my waterskiing readership in any way. Anyways, it's the 50th Annual Winter Carnival at the Rill Lodge and Ski Resort and a record turnout is expected for this festival of fun in the clouded sun. Things are going just peachy, that is, until two girls are attacked by a SNOWBEATS (sorry, I'm so pumped I can't even seem to spell it right!)! One of the girls gets away, which is hysterical because without even a hint of hesitation, she takes the fuck off at the first sound of this mythic creature, leaving her so called friend behind to get her ass eaten up.

Now, this poses a serious problem. You see, generally when people are killed by Snowbeasts, winter carnivals are cancelled, right? Wrong. Don't forget, this is the 50th winter carnival and there is no way in hell some Snowbeast is going to stop such a joyous event. It's the 50th, man! That shit only comes around every few years, so there is no chance that it can just be cancelled due to some human hungry creature - with an incredible fur coat - ripping skiers to shreds. The resort's owner, Carrie Rill (Sylvia Sidney), convinces her grandson and resort manager, Tony (Robert Logan), that if they just tape off the area where the Snowbeast attacked and possibly may have KILLED the girl, all would be just fine. Tony begrudgingly goes along with it because it is his grandmother's place, and who knows…maybe the MURDER is just a fluke. Nothing to worry about at all.

While all of this nasty Snowbeast nonsense is happening, one of Tony's old friends, Gar (Bo Svenson) and his wife Ellen (Yvette Mimieux), show up in the hopes that Gar can find work at the resort. Gar - an Olympic ski champion, not the guy from Mask - has fallen on hard times, but thankfully for him, Tony's got a spot for him and apparently, Ellen has a spot for Tony. A hot spot, if you will. You see, at one time Tony and Ellen were a thing, but life happens, they separated ways and Ellen went off and married Gar. Now it seems very clear that Ellen is ready for a little ride down Tony's ski pole, but Tony avoids the advances, and I think I know why…

See, Tony and Gar share a whole lot of one-on-one time together in Snowbeast. Enjoying meals together, swimming in hot springs together (in their underwear, naturally), lounging around in bathrobes together and had it not been a made for TV affair, I'm sure they would have tried to make cute little snow resort babies together too. It was the track in which they were on, there is no denying the signs.   

 

 

 

 

 

 

The only thing that can keep these two man thirsty bears focused on something outside of each other is hunting down a massive, hairy, powerful monster with big feet that would love nothing more than to eat them right up. Oh, my. These mountains are vastly rockier than I would have expected. Yeah, that's three Rocky Mountain High joke attempts. What of it?

Snowbeast came out in 1977, and with that comes a nice retro aesthetic filled with stylish ski clothing, some great hair and a ski lodge that is to die for. And I am a sucker for 70s fashion and décor, so Snowbeast gets a few easy points right there. However, much like many films from the time, Snowbeast moves pretty slowly overall, with multiple scenes where you simply just watch assorted characters skiing for what seems like days on end. Granted, the skiing is actually nicely shot, but a solo-search scene via skis that lasts for a good five minutes is a bit much to ask of from an audience. Skiing is great to watch and all, but I'd prefer a little more Snowbeast in my Snowbeast.

As I mentioned beforehand, Snowbeast is essentially a Jaws rip-off, so with that comes the less you see, the scarier it is approach. I'm not too sure that director Herb Wallerstein was able to obtain that less is more quite like the classic killer shark film. What worked in Jaws was how perfect the tension was built, but also the characters and their interactions with one another were all more than enough to keep most people on that hook during the non-shark moments. Nevertheless, when on screen, the Snowbeast looks cool enough, and I love me a good old cheap claw attack here and there if not for how silly it is. There are a few decent pay off scenes, one in particular being when the titular creature attacks the snow queen ceremony, as well as a decent little cabin attack. 

It's a made for TV movie from the 70s, so it's pretty much what you would expect, I suppose. It's not too violent, not too scary and not all too good but it isn't terrible either. It works as a nice little winter horror film that makes for a perfect background watch while you're doing something else. Like skiing.

CNAMB Presents: Presents! Part two

Christmas has finally ended and now would be a good time to reflect on the important things about this most wonderful time of year. Quality time spent with family and friends, being thankful for all you have, helping the less fortunate and spreading joy to those who need it the most. Well, that's nice and all, and sure, giving over receiving is a novel concept, but I don't care about that crap as much as I care about getting PRESENTS! Call me selfish. I don't mind. So long as you give me a gift first. In fact, give me two!

What I assume would be the case with most cinephiles (does that term apply to someone that loves Brain Scan?), I generally ask for movie related stuff for Christmas. And because I'm sure none of you care about the awesome Keurig or the badass Omaha steaks that we got this year from family, I'll play show and tell you what movie crap made its way to that warm spot underneath the Christmas tree thanks to my better half.

The only relevant none DVD swag I was gifted this year is The Walking Dead Compendium One. I was a comic book kid, which is something that was a big part of my life for many many years. I haven't collected comics since my mid-twenties, let alone read them, but on occasion I'll make an exception and catch up with a random graphic novel or compilation book here and there. I have always wanted to check out the zombie series, and now with this massive collection that covers the first 48 issues, I will have more than enough of The Walking Dead to hold me over till the next season of the TV series.

Okay, enough with that reading crap, let's move on to the DVDs!

For A Few Previews More – As the title alludes to, For A Few Previews More is a collection of Spaghetti Western trailers. A whooping 36 of them to be exact. There are a handful of films on this compilation that I have seen, and a whole lot more I haven't, so I look forward to finding out about some new films from this collection. Plus, trailers are always a lot of fun to watch and that DVD cover art is pretty sick (sick? Really, Matt?!).

The 8 Diagram Pole Fighter – A Shaw Brothers classic martial arts film that I had been dying to see since Cinema Diabolica covered it way back when. Directed by Lau Kar-leung and starring Gordon Liu and Alexander Fu Sheng, I already had a chance to check the film out (we open our presents much like Jewish people do on Hanukkah…one a day until Christmas eve), and it was not a let down in the least bit. I know this will make its way back into my DVD player a few more times in the future, that's for sure.

Memories of Murder – Bong Joon-ho is best known to horror fans for his solid character driven monster flick, The Host, but the one film of his I had been itching to check out was Memories of Murder, staring Kim Roe-Ha and the great Song Kang-ho. I totally missed out on this one when it was on Netflix watch instantly for a short time and had been kicking myself ever since, so I'm thrilled to have finally caught up with this wonderfully crafted little crime drama.

Undisputed III: Redemption – Completely skipping over Undisputed 2, I watched and absolutely loved Isaac Florentine's Undisputed III. In fact, I loved it enough to where my girl thought it would be a great DVD for me to own, and she was right. I will certainly be talking about this one again in the near future, as well as seeking out the second film in the series!

Never Sleep Again: The Elm Street Legacy – I have been wanting to see this crazy four hour long documentary for sooo long, and thanks to the power of Christmas, I now own it. I am a Freddy guy up and down and have seen all of the films more than most horror fans of my generation pretend to have seen them (why do I act proud of that?). The Nightmare series is my favorite horror series and with a true love for film docs, this was like being in heaven. I blasted through the doc in a two night span during the hours when I should have been sleeping (how fitting), and I can't believe how fast it flies by. Fantastic!

Now that I've shared with you the great movie related gifts I received this holiday, I would love to hear what wonderful gifts you may have been given.

You better watch out…

Because no one is safe when Santa Claus comes to town.



Wishing you all the happiest of holidays!

Freddy's Christmas Eve Dance Party: Christmas Shoes Edition!

It's Christmas eve and despite it being such a wonderful time, I get the suspicious feeling that you could use a little pick me up. Some inspiration to do good for your fellow man which will only help you feel whole and give you the sense of poignancy you deserve. I think I know just the right band to do it, and that's NewSong (one word?). When I hear of a band with a name like NewSong, I figure they are one of two things (and maybe even a little bit of both), either a contemporary Christian group sent to the Earth to spread the word of the lord, or a boy band. I'm not sure of the difference, but I am aware that NewSong's song, Christmas Shoes (which is a prequel to their 1999 breakout hit, Easter Dress), makes me stop and realize how important it is to have a hot new pair of kicks.

You see, this video, the lyrics, the clear merchandising message to buy shoes and help the economy, thus ending terrorism, as well as just how pretty it's sung, only makes my heart grow fonder this holiday season. However, it is all slightly soured when I have to look at the disrespectful dude singing this beautiful Christmas song. I mean, spread the good word, brother, but I would appreciate it if you could take what '20 seconds' to put some gel in your hair? It's Christmas, dog, and you're wearing a hat like it's fucking Thanksgiving and shit. Show some respect. I know your standing around uncomfortably with a bunch of your boys and don't wanna look like a chump with a nicely done up hairdo, but that shit went out the door with that 32 foot long red scarf you wore. This isn't This Old House, so get it together if you want to sell me the good word.

You know what, come to think of it, that dude actually looks really familiar…

Sorry man, you get a pass this time. The hat's all yours.

Santa With Muscles: It's like Robocop 3….With Muscles

Well before Bill Goldberg stepped foot in a sleigh with 2005's Santa's Slay, it was 1996 that gave us the original buff Santa with the 1996 Hulk Hogan family/action/comedy/drama/tentacle porn vehicle, Santa With Muscles. Directed by John Murlowski (who has directed at least four Christmas films, a movie called Cop Dog and an Amityville sequel), Santa With Muscles has the distinct honor of being in the bottom 100 on IMDB, which calls to me as much as the top 100 films do. And what doesn't speak to me more than a Christmas film from the 90s staring Terry "Hulk" Hogan as a jacked up Santa that's trying to help save an orphanage? How about you add in Clint Howard as a bumbling cop, Garrett Morris as, well, as no one that was really worth the time, sadly, and Ed Begley Jr. as the film's villain, and you have yourself the perfect recipe for a merry good time.

In the first five minutes of Santa With Muscles, things start out with a serious bang as the viewer is introduced to Blake, while engaged in a hand-to-hand battle with a gardener whom he tells "never stop to smell the roses" after kicking his ass. Next, Blake goes on to fight a chef, a chauffeur and then the gardener again, who attacks Blake with a weed whacker that does very little against Blake's serving platter shield. Seriously, I was pumped harder than a Jersey Shore fist as this was going down. As it turns out, this was all just the daily workout regimen of fitness guru, Blake Thorne, a rich kid that became even richer (and greedier) as he grew older and more successful. The only things that matter to Blake are his physique, money, himself and having fun, despite the rules.

It's Blake's reckless/careless attitude that creates a run in with the law, namely Clint Howard, who's character Hinkley proves that competency is not an attribute found in B-Movie police officers. Blake takes refuge in a mall, disguising himself as a mall Santa, but his costume doesn't fool Hinkley and before you can say HO-HO-H…Blake takes a shitter down a trash chute, getting knocked the fuck out in the process. Can you guess what happens next? That's right, Blake has amnesia and it just so happens that there is a down on his luck mall elf named Lenny (Don Stark) that was offered a fifty spot to find Santa before all the kids waiting to see him go into anarchy mode. You see, Lenny is in deep with a bookie, and when he finds an unconscious Blake he sees an opportunity to get to his money by fooling him into believing that he is indeed, Santa Clause. With Muscles. And blond hair. And a golden tan. And  daughter named Brooke.

This newborn Santa discovers his path as he is attempting to play mall Santa, when a group of punks try to steal donation money from a local charity. They are noticed by a young bystander who yells for help, and the golden look of "someone's getting their ass kicked in!" that comes across Blake's face is quite priceless. Needless to say, there is an ass whopping of deserving proportions that pumps up all the bystanders and the children. Santa is a hero. But his heroic efforts are not yet finished as he realizes that the orphanage that the charity was for needed his help. He wasn't sure why he knew this but he did (it was in the script) and with a reluctant Lenny in tow, off he went to save the orphans!  As it surprisingly turns out, the orphanage did need Santa's help as the threat of being shut down by a germaphobic mad scientist named Ebner Frost (Ed Begley, Jr.) was lurking ever so closely.   

Now, mad or not, why would anyone want to shut down an orphanage? I mean, I guess if you really hate Annie you might want to, but otherwise I see no point. Well, that is unless there's a secret cavern underneath said orphanage. A secret cavern containing some incredibly rare and priceless rocks, the kind that sparkle and illuminate but also have the tendency to explode. Thankfully one of the orphans (played by a pre-hot Mila Kunis) learned about them in school and has the perfect memory to be able to tell the adults exactly what they were and what exactly causes them to blow-up. This was actually a place where the kids hung around from time-to-time, and the fact that there was a cavern under the orphanage where the kids would hang out, but the people who took care of those kids never once thought about checking it out, is kind of odd. I mean, those kids are orphans and all, meaning, they could be doing all sorts of bad shit down there - like making meth and babies - and no one would be the wiser. Great job, adults.

So for much of the film it's Blake in a modded Santa suite vs Ebner Frost and his baddies, filled with heart warming interactions with a bunch of kids that are only a little lame. And of course, there is plenty of over-the-top action to be found. I mean, I never thought I would see a cop try and use a bazooka to take down a criminal that would be facing no more than a reckless endangerment charge. In fact, isn't using a bazooka in public considered reckless endangerment? I also never thought I would see Blake Thorne's low-fat brand of salad dressing used as an oil slick to send a police car off its course. The action isn't the only aspect where Santa With Muscles shows up with a sack full of joy. I actually heard one of the orphans use the line: "see ya, wouldn't wanna be ya!" And of course, everyone laughs and cheers about it. It's amazing. But not as amazing as the moment where the little girl sings actual magic in the church. If I could describe it, I would, but I dare not embarrass myself by trying. Just trust me on this one.

I don't think I've even come close to giving this film its due justice with this review. I only feel as if I barely touched the surface of what makes Santa With Muscles a romp worthy of at least one night of laughter every holiday season, but trust me, this is some cherishable crap. Any film where a bad guy uses an oversized candy cane as a bo staff has a piece of my heart. It's gold. Fucking silver and gold.