32-bit of Terror: Satan's Little Helper (2004)

 

Jeff Lieberman's Satan's Little Helper has been on my radar since, well, since I first read about it in an issue of Fango some 8 years ago now. It's not difficult to figure out why such a film would grab my attention; it has an interesting idea, a cool looking costumed character and, most significantly, it's set on Halloween. But does Satan's Little Helper deliver a proper Halloween treat, or did it leave me tricked out like a $10 hooker in Hoboken? We'll just have to leave it to the 32-bits of Terror to decide the fate of this one, now won't we… 

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Little Douglas Whooly (Alexander Brickel) is obsessed with one thing and one thing only: Satan. This fixation that Dougie has with the dark lord stems from his uncontrollable love for a handheld video game, fittingly titled, Satan's Little Helper. In Satan's Little Helper, the player is given the power to control Satan as he walks the streets, killing people for points with his loyal little helper right by his side. Now, while Dougie is totally "insane for Satan," he is also excited that his sister Jenna (Katheryn Winnick) is coming home from college to take him trick or treating later on in the evening. Unfortunately, however, things get a little ugly when Jenna shows up with her new boyfriend Alex (Stephen Graham), something that Dougie doesn't take all too well. In response, the clearly distraught Dougie takes to the streets in search of his idol, Satan, hoping he might be able to help Dougie get rid of his sister's new meatsicle.

As luck would have it, Dougie comes across someone who he believes is the dark lord Satan himself, and seeing as Dougie's already dressed up as Satan's Little Helper for Halloween, the two naturally become fast friends. However, what Dougie doesn't know is that this so-called Satan (played by Joshua Annex) is actually just a serial killer using Halloween and his mischievous Satanic guise to "decorate" the town with the people he is killing. Regardless, Satan and Dougie embark on an epic killing spree together, with the abnormally gullible Dougie believing it's all just pretend, just like in the Satan's Little Helper video game, where there are no consequences, just a high score. Unfortunately, what Dougie doesn't realize is that the final level in this game of death will be played in the sanctity of his home, with his own family's lives at stake.

Graphics: 6

The actual Satan's Little Helper handheld game is essentially nothing more than a cartoon being sold as a video game. So, outside of it being sort of charming in its low-budgetness, there's really nothing that impressive on that front. On the other hand, what keeps the score above water is the actual game itself, which is purposefully over-the-top in the most entertaining of ways. I mean, this is a game where you not only control Satan, but if you get enough points, you can rip someone's guts out (which brings incredible joy to Dougie)! And to top it off, boss battles consist of fights against angles and even the big man himself, God.

Sound: 5

To be honest, I didn't really notice the sound too much, so I can't really recall whether or not the score was any good, though I assume it's probably your standard low-budget horror film fare. Either way, if I didn't notice the music, then it mustn't have been either bad or good, so I'll give it a middle of the road score.

Terrortainment: 8.5

While there are moments when it comes close to being almost ridiculous, the overall tone is charmingly tongue in cheek, and the film is self-aware enough to where it never goes over-the-top and into a territory where the cynical humor feels cheapened in any way. It's not an easy task to pull off horror and comedy, and while the horror in Satan's Little Helper is far from actually being horrific, it does come correct with a deliciously black sense of humor that's difficult not to enjoy.

Replay Value: 9

I'll lay it straight out on the table here and say that Satan's Little Helper is a superbly entertaining little black-comedy that fans of horror, humor and Halloween should truly love. And I have to admit that I am a tad disappointed in myself for not having watched it sooner than I did; however, I am certain that I'll be revisiting this one a few more times, as Satan's Little Helper will definitely being going into the Halloween season rotation.

The 32-bit Rating: 7.125

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Sorry, but the only trailer I can find is in Spanish, but it's sort of cool that way.

Halloween: The Musical

I came across this Halloween theme song parody whilst scanning YouTube recently and thought that some of you might get a kick out of it. The whole thing is put together by a comedian named Andrew Goldberg (aka Goldentusk), who basically takes well known movie theme songs and adds lyrics to them. The results are pretty funny (and oddly hypnotic), and the lyrics actually do a good job of telling the story of Halloween in a very condensed way.

Check it out!

The Tall Man: I Believe the Children Are Our Future

In the financially devastated mining town of Cold Rock, WA a community is plagued by the disappearance of numerous children, seemingly by the hands of a dark, mythical figure known as the Tall Man. As the town desperately tries to figure out where their kids have been taken to, a mother does whatever's in her power to get her missing son back, all the while unwittingly unraveling the truth behind the missing children, the Tall Man and an unexpected motivation that will throw a wrench into viewer's expectations.

Directed by French filmmaker Pascal Laugier, The Tall Man is a film that has sparked a small amount of debate from a number of people who have sat down to watch it. Naturally, The Tall Man hasn't called for the intense "discussion" that came with Laugier's previous film, 2008's Martyrs, for reasons that are obvious to anyone who has seen that film (and if you haven't, then please do). Regardless, before seeing The Tall Man for myself, I had read various opinions that ranged from people who either love or hate it, or others who really like the first half but disliked the second half and vice versa.

 

Since The Tall Man is filled with numerous unexpected occurrences (that's fancy talk for twists), I will keep this brief and say outright that I'm very happy that Laugier has been able to craft yet another film that is far from conventional. Naturally, as I've mentioned, this one has gotten pretty mixed reviews, but  there's certainly no denying that The Tall Man provokes a certain level of thought. The direction that the film goes in is basically impossible to predict, and I felt like I was never sure where the narrative could be going because it never once went where I thought it would.  

If there's a major theme strewn throughout The Tall Man, it is neglect. The neglect of children; the neglect of a town's communal, financial and physical structure; the neglect for one's own wellbeing and the wellbeing of those around them. This theme of neglect is given time to flourish as the unpredictably captivating story plays out, but it is only in the end that it's truly brought to the forefront, making everything that has come before it seem all the more clear.

Jessica Biel gives a very strong performance that grows deeper and more impressive as the film moves towards its unexpected, and possibly alienating to some, climax. It's her character that I believe shows Laugier has a thing for writing complicated female characters who are much deeper than they initially appear to be. Something else the director seems to be keen on is making a pretty gorgeous looking movie. Like Martyrs, The Tall Man is a finely crafted piece of cinema with a visual style that becomes increasingly more appealing as the story progresses towards its climax.

Being a huge fan of Martyrs, I'm not disappointing in The Tall Man, mostly because I knew there was really no possible way Laugier could do something quite like that again. Regardless, I do think he has brought something very interesting to the table with a film that will not only catch you off guard but will make you put your thinking cap on real tight. And for me, the mark of a strong film comes from the thought it commands from me afterwards, and with The Tall Man, my thoughts led me to enjoy the movie infinitely more than if I had simply shrugged it off and moved on with my day.

Goosebumps at 33: The Cuckoo Clock of Doom!

 

Previously on Goosebumps at 33…

 

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Welcome back to what is now the 3rd annual edition of Goosebumps at 33! This season we are starting this party off with a real bang, so why don't you kick off your hooves, grab yourself a warm cup of witch's brew and pull up a seat, because I am about to tell you the tall of…

The Cuckoo Clock of DOOM!!!

 

The Cuckoo Clock of Doom originally aired on November 3rd, 1995 as a part of Goosebumps' 1st season. In fact, it's the third episode behind the two-part series opener, The Haunted Mask, so you could look at The Cuckoo Clock of Doom as being a truly OG episode of the ever enjoyable children's horror series. In any event, this episode focuses on Michael, a 12-year-old boy who simply cannot stand his bitch of a sister, Tara. Tara is constantly picking on Michael, humiliating him in front of all of his friends on a continuous basis, but seeing as Michael is the biggest pussy on the planet (did I mention that Tara is 6?!), there is little he has done about this problem.

"Tara the Terrible," as she's so properly dubbed, has a vise like grip on Michael's balls, and he sees no chance for escape. That is, until one day when his father brings home an antique cuckoo clock and specifically warns Tara to keep her hands off. Michael sees this as an opportunity to get Tara in trouble, so he concocts a plan to take revenge on his sister by messing with the cuckoo clock and letting her take the fall. Seems like a great idea, that is, until Michael's prank on Tara goes horribly wrong, and after screwing around with the cuckoo clock, he finds himself trapped in a loop where he keeps reliving the same day over and over again. To make things worse, Michael is becoming younger and younger with every day that passes, and if he doesn't stop the process, he will soon become negative years old. Or become sperm. Not really sure how that works, exactly, but he must stop it before it happens.

I suppose you could look at The Cuckoo Clock of Doom as being a cross between Groundhog's Day and The Curious Case of Benjamin Button as told by R.L. Stine. It's a pretty good concept that works well enough despite the 22 minute runtime, and overall I think this is a pretty solid episode that actually has one of the better payoff endings that I have seen in my limited Goosebumps history. With that said, what really stands out in this episode is actually the first 2 or 3 minutes; a 2 or 3 minutes so great that it caused me to write down a half page of notes at a frantic pace. 

Please, allow me to elaborate…

It's come to my attention that a very high number of Goosebumps episodes feature a specific character being pranked and bullied by another character or group of characters. I think it's happened in at least three of the five episodes I have reviewed (not including this one), and I'm sure it'll be a very common theme as I continue on my Goosebumps quest. Anyway, while I've already been subjected to some pretty memorable (and not in a good way) pranksters such as *blech* Tasha (don't call me John) McClain from Calling All Creeps and *ugh* Stephanie from The Headless Ghost, Tara the Terrible brings the terrible unlike any Goosebumps bully before her.

Something that totally sets Tara apart from the pack is her introduction, which comes at the start of the episode. After Tara pulls a prank on Michael by squirting him with ketchup, she goes on to refer to Michael as a KREJ, which, as Tara so Canadianly explains, is a JERK spelled backwards. I mean, really?! Calling someone a name forwards is bad enough, but backwards? That shit isn't right, bro. Another key aspect to what makes Tara the Terrible so terrible has little to do with her actual bullying as much as it has to do with her target, Michael. The idea that a 12-year-old Michael allows his 6-year-old sister to pick on him is absolutely incredible to me. Like, how weak willed are you to let a child half your size piss all over your Cheerios then laugh at you as she forces you to eat it?! That doesn't actually happen, but I was going for dramatic effect. Anyway, if I were in Michael's situation, I would have snuffed that bitch in the chest and called it a day.

So anyway, in the end, The Cuckoo Clock of Doom is a solid entry into the Goosebumps cannon. And although she is only a small part of the episode, Tara the Terrible leaves behind a villainous legacy that firmly places her in the Goosebumps Annoying Bitch Hall of Fame.

Bad Trick or Treat Ideas: Fun Size Candy

Now, to be clear, fun size treats are totally fine, so long as you're handing out at least three pieces of that shit. On the other hand, try to give me one piece of something labeled "fun size," and you might find a fun size "you know what" in your "you know where," and see how fun it is then. When it comes to candy, size always matters.

32-bits of Terror: Brainscan (1994)

When I originally came up with the idea of doing 32-bits of Terror, the first film that immediately came to mind was Brainscan. When Brainscan was released back in 1994, I absolutely loved it. I was around 17-years-old, and being a horror fan (as well as a teen heartthrob), I was easily swayed by a film whose central character reads Fango and has a bad-ass bedroom coated in horror paraphernalia. Brainscan was genetically tailor made for a kid such as myself at that age. But how does it stack up for the old man I would eventually grow up to be? Well, the 32-bits of Terror shall give us as good an answer as any…

Directed by John Flynn, Brainscan follows Michael (John Conner), a teenager obsessed with two things: his straight-bangin' next-door neighbor, Kimberly (Amy Hargreaves), and horror films. Much like most young horror fiends, Michael is obsessed with anything and everything horror related. When he learns about a video game called Brainscan, the most interactive and mind-bendingly realistic horror game ever created, Michael knows he has to check it out to see if it really lives up to the hype. 

As it turns out, Brainscan does deliver the goods, and Michael finds himself playing the ultimate first-person horror game; one where he is in full control of a sick and demented serial killer who is slicing and dicing his way through the neighborhood. Michael cannot believe just how intense and real this experience is at first. However, there's a pretty good reason why Brainscan is so immersive, and that's because Michael is actually committing these murders in the real world. Michael isn't doing it all alone, though, as he does receive some inspirational guidance from a character known as Trickster (T. Ryder Smith), a guy who... well, actually, I'm not actually sure what his purpose is outside of dancing around like a jerk-off and unsuccessfully pandering to a specific audience.

*cough-FreddyKruegerfans-cough*

Pardon me.

 Graphics: 7/10

There are, unfortunately, no actual video game graphics to be judged here, so I'm basing this score solely on special effects alone. Brainscan came along at a critical time when CGI had really started to become integrated into the world of special effects, and while the CGI is certainly laughable, it's kind of fun to look back on the form in its early stages. It's like watching Clash of the Titans; It looks ridiculously fake now, but it nostalgically shuttles you back to a certain time while showing that there is always room for innovation (and in the case of CGI, there always is).

Outside of the random acts of CGI, Brainscan mixes in a multitude of other visual tricks. Optical effects, reverse photography and the gold standard in the medium, practical make-up, are all on showcase in Brainscan. And quite frankly, it's cool to see all these tricks(ter) of the trade being used in one film, as that is essentially the best way SPFX can be utilized; using all of the tools in the toolbox, instead of simply relying on CGI alone.    

Sound: 7/10

Despite the fact that the OST does reflect the time period nicely, outside of Primus' "Welcome to this World" and White Zombie's "Thunder Kiss '65," I cannot say that I ever really dug much of the music in Brainscan. The reason I give the film's sound a good score is mostly due to the fact that I actually really enjoy its main theme, which was scored by George S. Clinton. Something about the piano and the brooding guitar just work for me. Though, it very much reminds me of something that you would hear from a Nightmare film, which is fitting considering Brainscan was a poor attempt at pandering to the Nightmare crowd. Regardless, it's an awesome song. 

Replay Value: 7/10

Brainscan is one of those movies I used to watch quite often back in my late teen years, so that automatically garners it some points in the replay value cata-gory. However, I am surprised that after seeing it again so many years later, and so many years matured, I feel as if I could easily toss this flick in at least a few more times within my lifespan.

Terrortainment: 6.5/10

Whether or not I enjoy Brainscan, I cannot say that it's necessarily all that entertaining. Furlong's performance and some of the dialogue notwithstanding, there is little that's worthy of a laugh. Worse yet, the so-called main antagonist, Trickster, is such a poorly conceived villain in every way, shape and form, providing very little in terms of actual "entertainment," which was the point of the character. Amiright?!

Overall, the kills are mediocre at best, and even if it's the basis for the film's story, the video game presence is basically limited to a countdown screen. With that said, I do enjoy the first kill, which is shot much like a first-person shooter. Actually, it would have been great had they kept that first-person style the standard for the rest of the film's death scenes, as it would have given the movie a proper video game feel. 

 The 32-Bit Rating: 6.875

Brainscan has totally been judged with a nostalgic curve. Actually, that might be the case for a great deal of the older films and/or segments that will grace the demented corridors of the 32-bits of Terror. It is what it is, and I make no bones about it; Brainscan is not a great film, but it certainly isn't a bad one, either. It was and is comfort food that tasted good because I could sort of relate to it, and it still has a nice flavor even now due to the great nostalgia it brings to the table. 

Halloween Happenings: A Picture's Worth a Thousand Screams!

I wanted to share some of the Halloween happenings that I've been getting into so far during this horrific holiday season, and I think this is where being addicted to Instagram is really going to pay off. For as long as I've had an account, I've been using Instagram to take pictures of clouds and flowers (you know, like every other asshole who uses Instagram and thinks they're taking amazing pictures), but it's also sort of an extension of my personality, my interests and my hobbies, all of which directly correlate with CNAMB. For example, like I do with Dumpster Diving for Gold, I share any VHS and DVD finds I make (which I need to do more of around here), and sometimes I'll share a photo from a film I'm watching at the time, things of that nature.

Something else I've been using it for is to take photos of all the Halloween shenanigans I've been getting into for the past month or so. This is where Instagram's tagging feature comes in handy, as it's actually a great way for me to keep track of all the Halloween awesomeness that has polluted my life since the season began. So anyway, I thought it would be fun to share with you some of the best stuff that Halloween has brought my way so far this season, and what better way to do it than with pictures?! Well, probably with a song and dance, but I'm in my underwear right now, and that would be pretty awkward, so I'll stick with pics for time being.

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Here's some cheap Dollar Store crap and a jack-o'-lantern porch light cover from the "Big K."

I picked up this kewl little decoration for only $6 at Horrorhound Weekend in Indianapolis (which was the best time EVER).

As per usual, I've been enjoying my fair share of Sam Adams Octoberfest, but I've also completely fallen in love with Magic Hat's own brand of seasonal beverage, Hex (I might even be having one now…).

I love Cadbury Creme Eggs with a fiery passion, and the discovery that Cadbury now makes "Screme Eggs" basically means I can die now. Well, not before I eat 70 of these things. Tonight. 

It's a fact: I haven't been able to find Monster Cereals in local grocery stores for the past few years, which is enough to create a river of sadness. But this year, Wal-Mart has that shit in stock, and I literally found their Monster Cereal setup just as I was complaining about how no one sells them!

Also, I look like an idiot.

Remember Bolo?! Well, that mo fo is back and WAYYYY bigger than he ever was before. Bolo is jacked up, bro!

And here's just one of Bolo's babies, and one example of the three or four different varieties of gourd that bitch is producing. Sick! 

And now it's my favorite part… decorations! We haven't quite started doing the outside yet (mostly due to rain), but the interior of our home is all ready to 'shock' and roll!

Some of the stuff on this coffee table has changed around a bit, but I'm too lazy to take another picture!

This handy bastard seems to find a new home every year, and each new home is a cause for a good chuckle, me thinks!

And what it all comes down to is this: the cream of the crop, the pièce de résistance, the mother trucking highlight of this whole show! After my life partner came up with the idea of putting the rave to the gravestone on top of the fireplace, it set off a chain of events that led to what I think is without a doubt our coolest looking Halloween fireplace set-up yet! Looking at it really tickles my tender vittles, and I hope you dig it, too!

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That's enough of this nonsense for this evening, but I do hope this was a somewhat enjoyable journey, and I'm sure I will do at least one more post like this as the season moves forward. There's still the outside of our house that we need to decorate (which we have epic plans for), and I'm sure there will be other cool shit that pops up that I will want to share with you! Kay, buh-bye!