Goosebumps At 33: The Return of the Mummy

Return of the Mummy!

While visiting his cousin Sari (Annick Obonsawin) and uncle Ben (Elias Zarou) in Egypt, young Gabe (Daniel DeSanto) finds himself in for the ultimate adventure, filled with thrills, chills, spills, and endless refills! Okay, that might be a bit of an exaggeration, but I had some serious momentum going on and simply couldn’t hit the brakes. Anyway, Gabe’s uncle Ben just so happens to be an archeologist, so during his Summer break, Gabe is joining both his uncle Ben and cousin Sari on an important archeological dig with the intent of unearthing the tomb of Prince Khor-Ru. 

Being a complete doofus, Gabe somehow becomes separated from Ben and Sari while inside the tomb. This causes Gabe to take a complete bitch turn, as he proceeds to scream and cry like a child. It’s pretty annoying, especially considering that Gabe is definitely going through puberty. At least that’s what his screeching bitch voice indicates. In any event, during his crying bout, Gabe accidentally stumbles upon the tomb of Prince Khor-Ru, which causes him to cry some more.

Soon enough, Gabe is reunited with Ben and Sari, which gives Sari – who has the face of an 80-year-old woman, but is actually about nine – ample opportunity to make fun of Gabe for being such a crying crybaby who cries all the time. Now, it’s typical in the Goosebumps mythos for a younger kid to make fun of an older kid. And more often than not, it’s a young girl making fun of an older boy, which is emasculating on so many levels. However, when you’re a corny-ass, crybaby like Gabe, you totes deserve it.

In any event, Gabe and Sari eventually find themselves separated from uncle Ben and some random reporter lady who serves a purpose of some sort. This leads to Gabe and Sari coming face-to-face with the titular creature, and from there things get wet and wild, as the mummy begins to unwrap himself and pour baby oil all over his well-preserved bod. It’s totally erotic. Anyway, at some point there’s a reveal involving the Prince Kohr-Ru’s sister who is trying to resurrect him for some reason that I didn't quite understand. After the whole baby oil thing, I was simply too distracted to maintain any sense of comprehension.

Overall a solidly enjoyable episode, the clear standout in The Return of the Mummy is its Egyptian setting. Per my experience, the world of Goosebumps is relegated to suburban neighborhoods, high schools, crack houses. or wherever you might find your average preteen, so it’s refreshing to see such a vastly different setting. It’s also nice seeing another classic movie monster make an appearance on the show. And outside of the weird tan lines beneath his tattered wraps, the mummy looks fantastic.

That about does it for the fifth season of Goosebumps at 33. Hopefully all you fine ladies and gents enjoyed this year’s batch of reviews as much as I did, and I really look forward to Goosebumpin’ n’ grindin’ with you again next year!

Until next time, kiddies, keep your night light on and your head under the covers...

Goosebumps At 33: My Hairiest Adventure

My Hairiest Adventure!

When first introduced to Larry (Andrew Bartkiw), he is being chased down by a pack of wild dogs. As this is happening, Larry – as heard through a voiceover – complains about how asinine it is that dogs are considered man's best friend. He then goes on to complain that he has allergies, which only leads me to one conclusion: Larry is a real asshole.

After being chased around by the vicious creatures for a bit, Larry decides to climb a tree to get away from the dogs. Larry’s moment of relief is short-lived, however, as the tree branch he’s sitting on breaks, even though it’s like 13” around. Oddly, though, when Larry lands on the ground, the dogs don’t attack him. In fact, they simply sit there staring at him like he's an asshole. Because he is an asshole, and dogs can sense that kind of shit.

At some point, Larry’s friend Lily (Courtney Greig) rescues Larry from the dogs that aren't attacking him. And thankfully so, as without Larry, I wouldn’t have been given the opportunity to witness the greatest garage band practice scene of all time. We’re talking a keyboard solo performed with a gusto not seen since Elissa in the masterful thriller #HATES. 

After the band finishes rocking the afternoon away, one of Larry’s band mates finds an old bottle of tanning lotion. Immediately the band has a serious discussion about how getting nice and tan would really help them make a great impression for an upcoming audition, so they proceed to rub the tanning lotion all over their skin. Because that’s what you do when you find a random bottle of old tanning lotion in a garage.  

Soon afterward, Larry notices an inordinate amount of hair growing from the top of his hands. His immediate response is to shave it off; however, the hair almost immediately grows back and eventually spreads up his arms and all over his body. Not that we see his body. I mean, this is a kids show, ya know. Anyway, this newfound hair growth is certainly a concern for Larry, but things get even stranger when his friends begin to go missing. Worse yet, their parents suddenly have absolutely no knowledge of their now missing child’s existence.

Taken from the 26th book in the series, My Hairiest Adventure is a clear nod to the werewolf genre, and like some werewolf tales, there is a clear tie to puberty. Which, in all honesty, seems a little out of place in an episode of Goosebumps. I mean, there’s actually a scene where Larry asks Lily if she’s started to notice any hair growing in strange places after using the tanning oil. If that’s not an inappropriate thing to ask, I don’t know what is. Actually, I do, but I’ll keep that to myself.

Overall, My Hairiest Adventure is a very light episode, in that it’s not all too creepy. Well, minus the whole puberty thing, but that’s a different kind of creepy. If there is one major standout in the episode, however, it’s that Larry is a whiny, angsty, lowlife crybaby. In other words, an asshole. Outside of Larry the asshole and hair in strange places, My Hairiest Adventure is far from a memorable episode of Goosebumps, though it does have one great little payoff that ties in with the shows famous opening. It’s not much of a saving grace, but worthy of note. 

Until next time, kiddies, keep your night light on and your head under the covers...

Goosebumps at 33: Piano Lessons Can Be Murder

Previously on Goosebumps At 33…

Well hello boils and ghouls! I am extremely excited to welcome you to a brand spanking new season of Goosebumps At 33! This is the 5th season of Goosebumps At 33, and oh boy are you in for a treat, as this season is set to deliver all sorts of thrills, chills and dolla dolla bills, ya’ll!

For those of you who aren’t hip to all this Goosebumps jazz, I encourage you to jump in my time machine and take a look back at this introductory post. For the rest of you dear brave souls, why don’t you have a seat, take a deep breath, and listen closely as I tell you the horrid tale of…

PAINO LESSONS CAN BE MURDER!!!

Jerry (Ben Cook) is a young boy with a wild imagination filled with aspects of horror, science-fiction and adventure. While moving into a new home, Jerry’s imagination crosses over into reality when he hears a piano playing Ludwig Van Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata… all by itself! This obviously startles Jerry, but when he tells his parents about what he just witnessed, they chalk it up to his imagination and suggest that he gets a hobby to keep his wandering mind occupied. Oddly, they don’t seem to worry about Jerry wearing a spaghetti strainer on his head. Like, not only is it a strange thing to do, it’s highly unsanitary.

Soon after the piano incident, Jerry meets a neighborhood girl named Kim (Erica Luttrell), who gleefully informs Jerry that his new home was previously owned by a piano teacher, something that intrigues Jerry. Later on that night, Jerry once again hears the same song as before, which leads to him heading down to the basement to investigate. When Jerry sees that the pianist is a ghost, he freaks out and runs away, but not before waking his parents by knocking over a bunch of boxes.

Jerry is as frightened as he is fascinated by what is happening in his new home, so he decides that the best way to figure out why there’s a ghost playing the piano in his basement is to take piano lessons. This goes over well with Jerry’s parents, as they believe this will keep him occupied and prevent so many strange outbursts.

While taking piano lessons seems like a pretty innocuous undertaking, the piano school is located in an abandoned factory with some seriously high-end security. Nothing to be ‘alarmed’ about, right? Well, if an abandoned factory and security system isn’t sketch’ enough for you, the fact that Jerry’s piano teacher (Aron Tager) is a flamboyant Santa Claus looking old man obsessed with little boy’s hands might be of concern. That, or the fact that there is a creepy maintenance man (Geza Kovacs) who’s in charge of various red-eyed robots that roam the halls of the factory. Like really, what could go wrong?! 

Taken from the 13th book in the series, Piano Lessons Can Be Murder was the 8th episode in the 1st season of the Goosebumps television series. Overall a solid episode, Piano Lessons Can Be Murder has a bit of a strange but visually interesting finale, filled with twists and turns and turns and twists. Interestingly enough, however, this is one of those rare occurrences where there is no twist at the very end of the episode. The performances are fairly entertaining, and Terry isn’t too obnoxious as the protagonist, though at one point he claims that he can play Stairway to Heaven On the Kazoo. Jerry is obviously a crack head.

Anyway, Piano Lessons Can Be Murder is a nice way to get this year’s Goosebumps at 33 started, and I only hope that the rest of this season brings about a bevy of equally enjoyable Goosebumps goodies! 

Until next time, kiddies, keep your night light on and your head under the covers...

Goosebumps at 33: It Came from Beneath the Sink

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It Came from Beneath the Sink!

Soon after Kat and her family move into a new home, Kat discovers a living, breathing sponge living underneath the kitchen sink. Making such an odd discovery gives Kat quite the stir, but as you’d expect, no one believes Kat about the existence of this monster sponge. However, soon after the sponges discovery, Kat and her family are hit with a string of terrible luck. For example, the family dog goes missing, Kat’s brother Daniel cuts his foot on a broken glass and Kat takes a nasty tumble when the brakes on her bike suddenly fail. Are all of these occurrences simply a coincidence, or does this have something to do with the sponge? Like that’s a real question.

Kat and her brother decide to bury the sponge, hoping that in doing so their luck will change. Unfortunately, however, the next morning Kat discovers that all the foliage surrounding the sponge is wilted and dead. Clearly this isn’t going to work. So Kat and Daniel dig the sponge up and take it to their science teacher to be analyzed. In the meantime, Kat, Daniel and a friend named Carlos look to The Encyclopedia of Weird for answers, and as it turns out this sponge is actually a ‘Grool‘.

No, not a Grohl but a Grool.

According to The Encyclopedia of Weird, a Grool is a creature that not only creates bad luck for the people around it, it feeds on it, too. How can Kat and her family stop this bad luck charm from destroying their world from the inside out? Furthermore, how well does this sponge perform when it comes to removing caked on grease and grim?! The answers to these maddening question can only be found in one place: at the end of the episode.

Coming from the thirteenth book in the Goosebumps series, It Came from Beneath the Sink is the 14th episode from the 1st season of the ever entertaining TV series. While being an overall solid entry that’s highly enjoyable and features a nice little twist, what might be most notable about It Came from Beneath the Sink is its star, Katharine Isabelle. It’s not a surprise seeing Ginger show up in an episode as she’s Canadian as a mofo, and I think almost every Canadian actor around her age has appeared in at least one episode of Goosebumps. Still, it’s cool to see her on the show, especially in such a solid episode.

Surprisingly, I don’t have a whole lot that I can say about this episode (which doesn’t speak to the quality of it). However, between The Girl Who Cried Monster and It Came from Beneath the Sink, I am off to a fantastic start this Halloween/Chucktober season, and I look forward to what the show has in store for me next.

Until next time, kiddies, keep your night light on and you head under the covers…

Goosebumps at 33: The Girl Who Cried Monster

Previously on Goosebumps at 33...

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A new Chucktober brings about a brand spanking new season of Goosebumps at 33! This is the fourth year (!) doing this segment, which is as cool as it is depressing. I mean, what’s worse than reminding yourself that you’re getting old? Anyway, if you’re not familiar with this segment, take a second to read the introductory post from way back when. For the rest of you, however, why don’t you come in a little closer and allow me to tell you the wicked tale of...

 

The Girl Who Cried Monster!

Taken from the eighth book, this season 1 episode 4 entry into the series focuses on a young girl named Lucy (Deborah Scorsone). Lucy has an obsession with monsters. She also has a knack for pulling monster inspired pranks on her friends and family members, specifically her little brother, whose hair is so big that he will likely serve as the safety net if an asteroid ever comes hurtling towards earth. After she convinces her big-haired little brother that her toes have been chewed off by a toe biting monster, Lucy’s mother makes her go to the library to expel her energy on learning as opposed to be a pain in the ass.

On her way home from the library, and just as Lucy and her buddy are making fun of the weird librarian, Lucy realizes that she forgot, and I quote, her “blades” back at the library. I’m not sure how a person forgets their “blades,” though. That’s like leaving the mall only to realize you forgot your car, but I digress. When Lucy goes back to the library, she soon learns that the librarian, Mr. Mortman (Eugene Lipinski), is a monster living on a steady diet of crickets and spiders. Gross.

Naturally, Lucy runs home to tell her family and friends, but as the title of this episode alludes to, no one believes Lucy because she is, so often, a lying sack of shit who’s always trying to trick people with tales of monsters. As a result, it is up to Lucy to prove her story, and to do so she actually goes back to the library to catch Mr. Mortman in the act.

Of course, as stupid as it may seem to try to catch a monster in the act of being a monster, Lucy further shows a complete lack of intelligence when she actually tries to take a photo of Mr. Mortman as a monster WITH THE FLASH ON! Unsurprisingly, the flash from the camera alerts Mr. Mortman to Lucy’s presence so he chases after her. This actually leads to a pretty great line where, as Lucy flees, Mr. Mortman says: “I love fast food!” Lucy gets away, however, now Mr. Mortman is on to her and looks to keep her quite by sending her on a permanent vacation. To his belly.  

Unfortunately for Lucy, her photographic evidence shows absolutely nothing, therefore no one is buying into her story, including her parents who, despite Lucy’s every plea, decide it would be a good idea to invite Mr. Mortman over for dinner. Will Lucy and her family find themselves served up as monster meat, or will they enjoy a nice dinner with great evening of conversation? You think you might know the answer, but as with every Goosebumps tale, there is a twist, and this one is an absolute doozy in just how awesome it is.

The Girl Who Cried Monster is one of my favorite episodes that I’ve seen thus far. The story is satisfying, spooky and fun, and all in a way that one would expect and want from an episode of Goosebumps. Better yet, it is certainly one hell of a great way to start off my fourth year with Goosebumps at 33!

Until next time, kiddies, keep your night light on and your head under the covers...

Goosebumps at 33: The Haunted Mask Parts 1 & 2

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The Haunted Mask

Carly Beth is fed up. She's fed up with being such a little scaredy cat. She's fed up with all the other kids playing pranks on her because she's such an easy target. She's fed up with being the timid little goodie two-shoes that always follows the rules. But that's all going to change, because this Halloween, Carly Beth is done playing games, and she vows to turn the tables all who have dared to scare her. Carly Beth only sees one solution to exacting revenge on those who have taken advantage of her gullibility, and that is to find the most horrific Halloween costume she can and do a little scaring of her own. There is one major problem, though, and that would her mother has already made one for her, and seeing as it's a duck costume, it is far from frightening. In fact, unless Carly Beth plans on playing The New York Ripper with her classmates, a cute and cuddly duck costume certainly isn't going to do the trick.

Carly Beth isn't sure how to deal with this whole duck costume fiasco, but things take a drastic turn when a few boys in her class decide it would be funny to put a worm in her sandwich during school lunch. Besides being incredibly unsanitary, it embarrasses the hell out of Carly Beth in front of the entire school, which sends her into full on RAGE MODE!! The first victim to fall to the wrath of Carly Beth is actually the duck costume her mother made for her, as Carly Beth tears it to shreds, leaving behind little more than a pile of yellow feathers and the faint sounds of muffled quaking.

This path of duck destruction that Carly Beth has gone on leaves her without a Halloween costume, so she goes to the local costume shop to buy herself the scariest mask she can find. Carly Beth is a little underwhelmed by what she sees in the costume shop, that is until she makes her way into a secret hidden room (aren't all hidden rooms secret?) that contains a handful of truly terrifying masks that Carly Beth knows will scare the doo doo out of her classmates. Unfortunately, the shopkeeper warns her that the masks aren't for sale, but Carly Beth cannot be stopped, so she throws down some money and runs out with the scariest mask in the store.       

Needless to say, Carly Beth is extremely excited to go out and frighten her classmates with her new mask, and she begins putting it to use almost immediately. However, things begin to take a strange turn when her behavior becomes erratic and almost dangerous, as she goes all out, scaring little kids half to death, smashing pumpkins and telling pissed off parents to basically eat a fat one. It's pretty awesome. One question remains, though: is this behavior due to Carly Beth's sudden rebellious ways, or is she being influenced by the mask itself (the title should be an indication, of course), which seems to fit her just a little too well?

Originally airing on October 27th, 1995, The Haunted Mask made its television debut as a two-part TV special that also doubles as the pilot for the Goosebumps TV series. What immediately stands out about The Haunted Mask is the fact that there is no actual opening theme, which is a staple of every other episode of Goosebumps made afterwards. Instead, the two-part episode is bookended with an introduction and some closing thoughts by Goosebumps creator, author R.L. Stine, from the very costume shop Carly Beth finds her "haunted" mask.   

As for the actual episode itself, The Haunted Mask might be one of the best episodes I have seen in my infantile time spent with the Goosebumps series. Of course it's the first episode, so they certainly went all out, but to be honest, a lot of familiar Goosebumps notes are hit with this one: pranks, bullies, revenge, and some sort of fun little plot twist are featured prominently. These are certainly attributes often found in 80% of Goosebumps episodes, but that's not necessarily a bad thing, as these are traits that make the series as fun as it is. I will say, though, that it was nice to see my first two-part episode, as there was much more to take from the story and the character of Carly Beth. With the average episode running at 22 min, the stories are generally pared down quite a bit, and it was refreshing to have a little more meat on the bone.

Anyway, as I've stated, The Haunted Mask is a great episode of Goosebumps and an even better way to end Goosebumps at 33 for this Chucktober. So long for this season, and remember, if the mask fits, wear it!

Goosebumps at 33: The Cuckoo Clock of Doom!

 

Previously on Goosebumps at 33…

 

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Welcome back to what is now the 3rd annual edition of Goosebumps at 33! This season we are starting this party off with a real bang, so why don't you kick off your hooves, grab yourself a warm cup of witch's brew and pull up a seat, because I am about to tell you the tall of…

The Cuckoo Clock of DOOM!!!

 

The Cuckoo Clock of Doom originally aired on November 3rd, 1995 as a part of Goosebumps' 1st season. In fact, it's the third episode behind the two-part series opener, The Haunted Mask, so you could look at The Cuckoo Clock of Doom as being a truly OG episode of the ever enjoyable children's horror series. In any event, this episode focuses on Michael, a 12-year-old boy who simply cannot stand his bitch of a sister, Tara. Tara is constantly picking on Michael, humiliating him in front of all of his friends on a continuous basis, but seeing as Michael is the biggest pussy on the planet (did I mention that Tara is 6?!), there is little he has done about this problem.

"Tara the Terrible," as she's so properly dubbed, has a vise like grip on Michael's balls, and he sees no chance for escape. That is, until one day when his father brings home an antique cuckoo clock and specifically warns Tara to keep her hands off. Michael sees this as an opportunity to get Tara in trouble, so he concocts a plan to take revenge on his sister by messing with the cuckoo clock and letting her take the fall. Seems like a great idea, that is, until Michael's prank on Tara goes horribly wrong, and after screwing around with the cuckoo clock, he finds himself trapped in a loop where he keeps reliving the same day over and over again. To make things worse, Michael is becoming younger and younger with every day that passes, and if he doesn't stop the process, he will soon become negative years old. Or become sperm. Not really sure how that works, exactly, but he must stop it before it happens.

I suppose you could look at The Cuckoo Clock of Doom as being a cross between Groundhog's Day and The Curious Case of Benjamin Button as told by R.L. Stine. It's a pretty good concept that works well enough despite the 22 minute runtime, and overall I think this is a pretty solid episode that actually has one of the better payoff endings that I have seen in my limited Goosebumps history. With that said, what really stands out in this episode is actually the first 2 or 3 minutes; a 2 or 3 minutes so great that it caused me to write down a half page of notes at a frantic pace. 

Please, allow me to elaborate…

It's come to my attention that a very high number of Goosebumps episodes feature a specific character being pranked and bullied by another character or group of characters. I think it's happened in at least three of the five episodes I have reviewed (not including this one), and I'm sure it'll be a very common theme as I continue on my Goosebumps quest. Anyway, while I've already been subjected to some pretty memorable (and not in a good way) pranksters such as *blech* Tasha (don't call me John) McClain from Calling All Creeps and *ugh* Stephanie from The Headless Ghost, Tara the Terrible brings the terrible unlike any Goosebumps bully before her.

Something that totally sets Tara apart from the pack is her introduction, which comes at the start of the episode. After Tara pulls a prank on Michael by squirting him with ketchup, she goes on to refer to Michael as a KREJ, which, as Tara so Canadianly explains, is a JERK spelled backwards. I mean, really?! Calling someone a name forwards is bad enough, but backwards? That shit isn't right, bro. Another key aspect to what makes Tara the Terrible so terrible has little to do with her actual bullying as much as it has to do with her target, Michael. The idea that a 12-year-old Michael allows his 6-year-old sister to pick on him is absolutely incredible to me. Like, how weak willed are you to let a child half your size piss all over your Cheerios then laugh at you as she forces you to eat it?! That doesn't actually happen, but I was going for dramatic effect. Anyway, if I were in Michael's situation, I would have snuffed that bitch in the chest and called it a day.

So anyway, in the end, The Cuckoo Clock of Doom is a solid entry into the Goosebumps cannon. And although she is only a small part of the episode, Tara the Terrible leaves behind a villainous legacy that firmly places her in the Goosebumps Annoying Bitch Hall of Fame.