Bad Trick or Treat Ideas: Candy Corn

Candy Corn: that white, orange and yellow “treat” that makes an appearance every Halloween season has become the bane of numerous people across this great country. Year after year, Candy Corn shows up in countless homes, only to be discarded after sitting in a dusty glass dish three months after Halloween has passed.

Made up entirely of corn syrup and sugar, no other candy is associated with Halloween more than Candy Corn.

Wait a second... let’s break that fact down a bit:

• “Made up entirely of corn syrup and sugar” - Corn syrup and sugar happen to be two ingredients that I love.

• “No other candy is associated with Halloween more than Candy Corn.” - Hey, I love Halloween and everything about it!

Actually, you know what? I like candy corn. From it’s eye-appealing Fall colors to its sugary ingredients, Candy Corn is the candy manifestation of Halloween. Show some respect, ya filthy animal!

Bad Trick or Treat Ideas: Bag of Popcorn

Hey, I like popcorn as much as the next person, but trying to pass off 3¢ worth of stale air as a Halloween “treat” is simply unacceptable. I take no issue with spending an evening rotting my teeth out whilst chowing down on the copious candy goodies there are to be had, but I have absolutely no desire to spend said evening picking kernels out of them. Plus, I’d much rather not eat a snack that you dished out with you bare, filth-covered hand.

Bad Trick or Treat Ideas: Toothbrush

I get it. You want to be different and hand out something that you think would actually be beneficial to children. You have no desire to promote bad eating habits or poor dental care, so you say to yourself “I think I’ll pass out toothbrushes this year... all the kids are gonna love and respect me!”

Well, I gotta newsflash for you, buddy! If I’m 6 years old and I waste 3 minutes of my precious Halloween time coming to your house only to have you push your communist agenda on me, then, well, you deserve every single egg I throw at your house when I’m a teenager. And believe you me, I WILL EGG YOUR SHIT!

The only people who should be handing out a toothbrush to a kid is the dentist at the dentist’s office. Otherwise, buy a couple bags of candy. Preferably Snickers.

Dumpster Diving for Gold 666

It’s been far too long since I last did a proper Dumpster Diving for Gold video, but after an unacceptable hiatus, I am back with a brand new video filled with all sorts of dumpster worthy goodies to tickle your shriveled pickle! Take some time out of your day to watch me awkwardly ramble on about all my recent-ish finds, which include VHS tapes, DVDs, records, and all sorts of other wonderful things. Also, I refer to a movie as being “great-awesome,” so there’s that.

Bad Trick or Treat Ideas: Fun Size Candy

Now, to be clear, fun size treats are totally fine, so long as you're handing out at least three pieces of that shit. On the other hand, try to give me one piece of something labeled "fun size," and you might find a fun size "you know what" in your "you know where," and see how fun it is then. When it comes to candy, size always matters.

Freddy's Friday Night Dance Party!: All Treat Edition!

Man, am I feeling really down tonight…all the kids at school are nothing but yuppie jerk offs, and because of that dumb jock, Tim Hainy, I got chocolate milk all over my best maroon and white baseball tee. To make things worse, thanks to those idiot football losers, half the girls in the school almost saw my skin-flute and my full - and incredibly white - naked ass today. But the cherry on top of this shit sundae has got to be the greatest rock sta…no, scratch that, the greatest musician of all time, as well as my idol and object of affection, Sammi Curr, died in a fire today. Man, this sucks sooo bad! Sammi was the only person that understood me. He was the only one that could make all of this better.

There is one good thing that came out of today's many un-radical events, and thanks to my buddy, DJ Nuke, I now have in my possession the only existing copy of Sammi Curr's last recording. If anything can lift me out of this funk, it's the sounds of Sammi's voice. He understands where I'm coming from, he knows who I really am deep inside, and together, we can take down all of those stupid jocks. It's just you and me, Sammi, in my bedroom, all alone, and together we will rock this party all night long!!  It's like you always said, Sammi…rock's chosen warriors will rule the apocalypse, so let's rock.

Trick or Treat is the title track for the 1986 horror-METAL!! classic (well, maybe not classic…), Trick or Treat. The entire soundtrack was performed by British heavy metal band, Fastway, who would later release the Trick or Treat OST as their fourth studio album. The music is decent for what it is, I mean, it's certainly dated, but it does capture a time in my life that I will always look back on fondly.

Trick or Treat is a shit fart of a film, but it's super fun and the level of entertainment that is reached with how bad it can be at times is what makes the movie a rewarding watch. However, I do enjoy Trick or Treat a little more than I should for how it does really bring me back to a time of being a rebellious youth who was constantly listening to Heavy METAL!! in my badass basement bedroom covered in Megadeth and Anthrax posters. This was a time when I would sit through 3 hours of The Ball waiting for a decent video. A time when I would pretend my GI Joe Cobra Raven was a guitar, a guitar I rocked like a motha fucka!!! I seriously did. Nevertheless, my love for METAL!!  never resulted in me staring longingly at any male lead singer of any band. Well, maybe Lemmy, but he's like just so dreamy, how could I not?