Someone should change the word winter to loseter, because my battle with mother nature is not exactly going my way. We (as in, my cat, my girlfriend, and my fettuccinialfredo…yumm) got a shit ton of snow overnight, last night – maybe between 8 and 10 inches? Well, the area surrounding my residence got 8 to 10 inches, but I believe that there is an evil vortex surrounding my home, a vortex that causes every little gust of wind to deliver all of the Earth’s snow to my house. Many of my neighbors have only a few inches in their (pants) driveways and on their sidewalks - here, where I live, there are spots where it’s like 3 feet. Those choice spots would be much of my driveway and 85% of my sidewalks. Awesome. What a way to kill a few hours before going to work on a Saturday night!
So yeah, that bitch ass mother nature can suck it hard and I would love to take my shovel and pull a “Normal Norman”on that menacing beast of a woman. One day mother nature…your ass is mine – weather or not you like it.
In other less than stellar news, as you probably already noticed, there will be no Horror Hangover today. Unless you didn’t notice…in that case, carry on. There wasn’t shit on this afternoon, like nothing at all…I think television is all over or it ran out maybe? Either way, it’s Super Bowl Sunday, so that could be a factor too…you can look forward to some mediocre commercials and maybe a trailer for some awful, big budget, Cleveland steamer of a movie that’s on the horizon!! YAY! (Betcha they show the A-Team trailer…betcha) All I hope, is that Peyton NOTMUCHOFAManning gets his ass clobbered tonight and Tom Brady can come over and piss in his open, unconscious mouth. The Golden Boy, giving a golden shower…how poetic. I’m rambling now…I blame it on hypothermia. Or the rain.
Am I the baddest mo-fo, low-down, around this town?
Sho’Nuff!
Well, who am I?
Sho’Nuff!
Who am I?!
Sho’Nuff!
And who is the Monster of the Week?
Sho’Nuff!!
The Shogun of Harlem!
In the end, Sho ‘Nuff might not be “the master,” per say, but he is the Shogun of Harlem and one of the meanest mofo’s put to screen. Played by the late Julius Carry, Sho ‘Nuff is the antagonist to "Bruce" Leroy Green (played by Taimak) in Berry Gordy's 1985 Blaxploitation/Martial Arts/Comedy/Musical hybrid, The Last Dragon. Meaner than diarrhea, Sho ‘Nuff made it a habit to prove he was the man by picking on the weak and whopping copious amounts of ass on a daily basis. Living the life of a Harlem Shogun isn’t easy, but Sho ‘Nuff did it will style and presence.
One of cinema’s most entertaining villains, with his wild style hair, football pad infused Shogun Samurai outfits, and a voice that would command the attention of James Earl Jones, Sho ‘Nuff is quite the intimidating presence. His Kung Fu skills might have been somewhat lacking, but with an ego as big as Sho ‘Nuff’s…there are very few people that can take him down. Unless they possess the glow, that is.
Hey bois and gurls, I have a nice little Dance Party for all you mean faced, hard steppin’, sassy dance fiends out there tonight! Best part, it’s a semi-return to familiar territory, with tonight's jam being brought to us courtesy of A Nightmare on Elm Street film! I say semi-return only because the song featured doesn’t have an official movie related music video, and if any music video doesn’t at least a little something to do with the movie, I would rather find a clip from the movie (which wasn’t happening either), or something fan made…which is the case here tonight. Whatever, clips are awesome, especially when they are clips from Nightmare movies! The song…Anything, Anything (I’ll Give You) from Dramarama!
Written by Dramarama lead singer, John Easdale, Anything, Anything (I’ll Give You) is one of many classic tracks from Renny Harlin’s entry into Freddy’s world, with 1988’s, A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master. While I pretty much love, or at least enjoy, many of the songs featured here at Freddy’s Friday Night Dance Party, Anything, Anything (I’ll Give You) is a fucking Awesome, Awesome (For Real) song and one of my favorites ever since I was young enough to smoke. This one is right up there with the more recent Dance Party tune, Pet Sematary from The Ramones, and that says a whole heck of a lot. An amazing song, that still rocks so hard even to this day and one that I will always listen to when I practice my yellow belt Karate while in my bedroom. Face me, Krueger.
I used to love Full Moon films, even though their movie’s weren’t always great, they were fun and the company seemed to have a solid footing in horror back when I was young. One of the things I loved most was they had the special after movie Video Zone segment, where Charles Band would talk about upcoming films, behind the scenes, and general Full Moon news. It was just so cool and this was well before the DVD extras we are so blessed with nowadays. So I have very found memories of the film’s from that time and I have been wanting to try and check a few of them out again someday soon. As well as revisiting old Full Moon films, I have had an urge to look at some of the newer ones like Gingerdead Man and Skull Heads as I have heard they deliver the cheesy goods on an epic level.
This all came together when I decided to give 2002’s Cryptz a viewing. I actually had no clue that it was a Full Moon movie, and while I had no sort of expectations to begin with, when I saw the Full Moon label, I had a good idea what I was in for and I got a little ecstatic, to be honest with you. Seeing that Full Moon logo, I almost knew I would enjoy what I was to see, no matter how bad. I would be blinded by nostalgia. Well, I don’t really know if that was the case with Cryptz, because I think I may have been more blinded by bad taste than anything. Even though this movie is pretty damned terrible, I still found myself entertained by it in all its horrendous glory.
Cryptz follows Tymez Skwair (Choice Skinner), Fuzzy Down (Rick Irvin), and Likrish (Dennis Waller), three aspiring rappers with three of the greatest Hip-Hop names ever created. T-Skwair (short for Tymez Skwair for those of you less than hip) is under pleasure from ma dukes to get a job while he waits seemingly forever for his rap career to take off. T-Skwair heads out to find a job, but not before running into his boys, Fuzzy and Likrish. While walking down the street to go…somewhere, the trio run into a sexy vixen named Stesha (Lunden De'Leon).
I love New York?
With shorts that would make Ronnie jealous and a set of cans more delicious than Chef Boyardee, T-Skwair is no doubt smitten and tries to work a piece on this lovely lady. He asks what her Cryptz shirt is all about and she tells them that Cryptz is where she works and also where she was heading to. Hoping to meet up with Stesha at Cryptz, the guys ask where it is, but she says if they really wanna hang with her, they will have to find it for themselves…and it ain’t in the phone book.
Stesha then proceeds to pinch T-Skwair’s cheek, at which point, time slows and a painful sizzling sound occurs, letting the viewer know, that Stesha has done something sinister to T-Skwair. Not that the Cryptz shirt didn't already tell us that she was trouble.
The trio head back to Fuzzy D’s place and try to figure out where and the hell Cryptz might be, when they decide to call their boy Truck (played by Chyna, but not THAT Chyna).
Truck is into strange things like the occult and meditation, so the crew thinks he may know about this mysterious night club. However, when Tymez Skwair asks him about Cryptz, Truck warns him that the place is dangerous and to stay as far away from it as possible. When Truck learns that T-Skwair came into contact with Stesha (in the form of sizzling cheek pinch), he tells him to have Fuzzy and Likrish tie him down for the night and to call Truck at sundown.
Well, thinking that being tied down by your boys is mad gay, they instead spend their evening watching television, when from out of nowhere, T-Skwair starts freaking out! His cheek begins to burn to the point of pain, the same cheek that Stesha had pinched earlier. Not knowing what to do, they jump in a car and take off, with T-Skwair giving directions, directions that lead down a darkened alley to…CRYPTZ!
As soon as the guys get into the club, T-Skwair’s face stops hurting and they soon realize they are in the hottest strip club with the finest women around! Thinking this will be one hell of a great night, T-Skwair, Fuzzy, and Likrish are psyched, only they don’t know that the club is a front for a coven of Vampires! They’ll figure it out soon enough…
Cryptz has production values and set designs that are lower than my chain hangz, which of course makes it all the more fun. Even many of the cheaper and crappier Full Moon movies from year’s past, had really nice set design, usually because they were shot in Romania and were a little more Gothic in setting. Clearly, that kind of setting wouldn’t work in a film set in an urban area, but still, the Cryptz strip club is fucking hysterical in how cheap looking it is.
Even better than the strip club itself, is when the Vampires reveal themselves and the dungeon style backrooms are used for rituals and such. I really think that Cryptz must have been sponsored by Spencer’s gifts, as every prop looked like something you could buy at Halloween time. My favorite “prop” is this skull chalice used to drink blood from…as soon as I saw it, I knew it was the same chalice that you can buy at any local grocery store, CVS, or Walgreens. You know the one…
For the record, they used the one on the right (though I think the one on the left is much more menacing) and it was so awesome knowing that next Halloween, I will be able to purchase a piece of memorabilia from the film, Cryptz at the drug store.
One thing that Full Moon has always been very good at, is REALLY bad special FX and camera trickery as well as overall technical aspects. I think that Full Moon has really come into its own and mastered the art of terrible camera work and filmmaking techniques with Cryptz and its 1998 home video quality dissolves and Play Station 1 graphic prowess. Every time there is some sort of horror action, the movie goes into slow motion with a mixture of blur effects and multiple color changes…it begins to look like you’re watching Suspiria on fast-forward after being donkey punched by one of the Klitschko brothers. Much like the back of a Spencer’s in a way…hmm…connection?
So yeah, Cryptz is completely awful and 100% incompetent, but a complete blast for how terrible it is. I do have to give a litte credit to the cast that make up Fuzzy, Likrish, and Tymez Skwair though – they are not great, but had very good chemistry together as well as a few funny moments. Surprisingly, I was laughing with them a few tymez instead of at them. While this isn’t exactly what Full Moon delivered back in the day, it’s still nice to know that they can at least bring out the big guns as far as enjoyably bad filmz go.
1972 was really the year when Blaxploitation started to blow up with a slew of great films, so it’s really not much of a surprise that Black Gunn is a little less known as it isn’t quite on par with some of the other films that came out that year. Staring football and film legend, Jim Brown (who also stared in the better-known Blaxploitation film, Slaughter that same year), Black Gunn is a basic Blaxploitation movie in almost every way, but one that is certainly solid and makes for an enjoyable watch.
Brown plays a character simply known as, Mr. Gunn, or Gunn if you’re cool enough for him to allow you to leave out the Mr. part (and I am, for the record). Gunn is a successful black nightclub owner that has worked hard to get where he is, but did so on his own terms. Gunn’s younger brother Scott (Herb Jefferson Jr.), who is involved with a black militant group, finds himself in a heap of trouble when the group knocks off the mob for some cash. The cash isn’t really the problem for the mob, so much as Scott got away with some very important notebooks that contained names of various politicians that are in bed with the mob behind the scenes.
This brings a lot of attention to the well-know and respected Gunn as the mob is now on the lookout for Scott, hoping to get the ledgers back, as well as the police wanting to question Scott about the robbery. Gunn protects Scott, pretending as if he has no clue where his brother is, but that protection can only last so long before the wrong people catch, and then murder him. As you can probably guess, Gunn doesn’t take well to dead brothers and decides to exact his own brand of justice on those that killed Scott.
Under Capelli, are his lower level thug’s, most notable would be loose cannon, Ray Kelley. Kelly is played by super creep, Bruce Glover and he actually puts forth one of the better performances as the intimidating and sleazy mob minion. The king of the proverbial castle in Black Gunn, is of course, Jim Brown who while not being the most charismatic actor ever, certainly has a copious amount of presence when on screen. I actually think Brown is a great actor more so in his later years, but he is still solid as the soft-spoken, yet tough as nails, Mr. Gunn.
Filming wise, Black Gunn looks like the typical low-budget Blaxploitation film with a style that changes erratically depending on what is happening on screen. Directed by Robert Hartford-Davis, most of the movie is very standard, but there are moments when things kick up and the action starts, and that where the film shines a little brighter. Some of the fight scenes are shot with a more panoramic fish eye lens, that while not necessarily amazing, looked fun and changed the pace of things. There are a few spots where some well done following shots are used, mostly in moments leading up to the action. As stand out as these aspects where, I wish there was a bit more of these techniques used in the film.
This is also the case with the music and setting in the film also. Music and setting are some of the most important things in film’s of this genre and Black Gunn could have expanded upon these things a little more. There are a few scenes where you get to see the awesome 70’s Los Angles setting, which isn’t nearly as great as 70’s New York, but has a great look all it’s own. And the music is very good, with some head bobbing funky beats that when utilized (mostly during driving scenes), really caught my attention and brought a cool smile to my face. However, the setting and even more so, the music are in the backseat and a little too secondary, which is unfortunate.
Black Gunn has a decent pace to it though, and there are a few slowish moments, but there are enough action scenes sprinkled in to keep the ball rolling. I loved the crazy shootouts that seem to just explode from out of nowhere (with even a few machine guns!), resulting in some fantastic tempura red blood, exploding from tacky tweed blazers. There’s even a hand grenade used right out in the middle of a city street, which gave me a “Holy Shit! A grenade!” boner. Gunn provides a few choice moments himself where body slams are performed, the use of a coffee table as a weapon, instead of a place for you feet is acceptable, and my favorite, when Gunn literally bowls a strike. With a guy. In a bowling alley. Fan-tastic.
There are a ton of cameos by actors of genre and non-genre note, almost too many to even mention, but I did recognize the beautiful Italian actress Luciana Paluzzi, who has a small role as a wealthy women with political connections, and a thirst for some of Gunn’s baby juice (that’s so gross, I know!). Another very notable supporting actor in Black Gunn, comes from yet another one time NFL football player and former principle of San Dimas high school, Bernie Casey, who plays one of the black militant leaders.
Dave Chappelle?
The film’s clear weakness is not going all the way, leaving empty spaces that kept it from being up there with the better films of the genre. While it isn’t the best of the bunch, Black Gunn is still an adequate Blaxploitation movie, with enough positive things in its favor to warrant a watch or two from the casual fan that has seen and enjoyed other films of the genre.
Recently, I've been hearing a whole lot about how the month of February, horror bloggers around the net would be dedicated to women and their role in the horror genre. That’s great, and I’m certainly all for it, and I was even thinking about doing a few posts specific to the subject matter throughout the month myself. Then today, I dropped by the wonderful wonder blog, Billy Loves Stu and was reminded that February is Black History Month. The fact that I had to be reminded is a bit embarrassing, but more embarrassing should be the fact that bloggers have taken it upon themselves to pick Black History Month as the month to focus on women in horror. There are 11, count them, ELEVEN other months that are there for the taking, so why February? I’m not taking shots at the people behind women in horror month - any other month, I would be all for it, but it’s a pretty stupid fucking thing to have it in February. I had no plans for a theme month, but I am gonna keep it real and make my main focus of February centered around African American cinema. I’m not prepared in any way whatsoever, but I can pull something out of my ass, plus it gives me an excuse to cover a few Blaxsploitation films!
Anyone have any suggestions or requests, please feel free to suggest and request them.
Got a very mixed and slightly small bag of films for The Horror Hangover this week, but there is some shit worth checking out depending on your taste. First I’ll mention that The Matrix films will be on AMC starting only an hour after you went to bed last night aka 8:00 AM. It will be a marathon of Matrix, so you can leave it on all day long and as you sober up, the quality of the films shall slowly disintegrate!
On a much better note, BBC has a Hitchcock marathon that will span the entire day, starting with Vertigo at 9:00, then Psycho at 12:00, and Rear Window at 2:30. Then it will loop right back around and start all over again. I don’t get BBC on my cable, but if you have the power, spending a day with Hitchcock is not a bad day to be spent at all. I’ll give this my marathon pick of the week!
In non-marathon Hangover news, at 11:00 Breakdown (1997) is playing on USA. I haven’t seen Breakdown in a long time, but I have decent memories of it. It’s a thriller style road movie, with trucks, and Kurt Russell, so you really can’t go wrong. Only thing better would be a thriller style road movie, with trucks, and Pat Swayze, but that isn’t the case. Still, Breakdown gets my solo movie pick of the week!
At 12:00, you might want to “Get Down!” when Eraser (1996) is on A&E. It’s an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie, so I have to mention it, as I have a deep love for the greatest action hero of all time. I actually saw this movie in the theaters, but barely remember it outside of Vanessa Williams and I think there was a cool futuristic gun used in it at one point, but that could be another movie for all I know.
Lastly, at 12:15 The Amityville Horror (2005) meh-make is showing on TNT. Movie is pretty wiggity-whack with a few good moments, but the whole “catch ‘em and kill ‘em” thing was one of the lamest hooks a horror film has ever had. The scene with the hot babysitter (I think she was hot?) was pretty cool from what I remember, but there is very little for me to recommend about this pile of pooh. Ryan Reynolds’ beard is very proper though…but as powerful as James Brolin’s? I smell celebrity death match!
That's all folks…not a lot, but there are some movies worth checking out. Hopefully I have lead you down the path of cable horror ‘n such, and you won’t feel so alone as you wonder why you slept with that nasty dude/dudette last night!
