Bad Trick or Treat Ideas: Loose Change

Nothing says grubby quite like someone else's slightly warm loose change. Though, if you want to kick the grub factor up a notch, putting that loose change in an old, wrinkled plastic sandwich bag and handing it out to trick or treaters should just about do the trick. It's disgusting, dude. Might as well give out a bagful of your toenail clippings. Do yourself and the rest of humanity a favor, spend the ten spot and pick up a bag of candy, you know, so I don't have to be plagued by your grotesque germs.

The Video Dead: High DEADfinition

I think it's fair to say that the centerpiece of most every home is the television. While the home computer almost gives it a run for its money, the TV will likely rule most households for the foreseeable future thanks to the various amounts of entertainment that it brings. The television is like a gateway, a portal for our video games, TV shows, movies, and even our music to come to life and grant us all the entertainment we could ever want. But what if that gateway were instead used by zombies to cross over into our world so they could tear the flesh right off our bones? This would be the burning question posed in 1987's The Video Dead, a direct to video horror film with a comedic twist.

Written and directed by Robert Scott, (who has done a fair amount of second unit work in, fittingly, television), The Video Dead follows the tale of a possessed TV (or something) that is accidentally delivered to the wrong home. Soon after it arrives, the TV unleashes a slew of shambling zombies that kill the home's sole occupant, leaving the house vacant until a new family buys it a few months down the road. With their parents still abroad, both Zoe (Roxanna Augesen) and her younger brother Jeff (Rocky Duvall) are the first to arrive on the scene. As they are working on getting the house situated for their parents while they are away, Jeff soon discovers the haunted television set, and zombies eventually come a pouring out of it and start jack everyone's shit up. Cable prices totally aren't worth this hassle.  

"I think I might move it to the corner to give the room a little more space."

"Hi mom!"

Never has a television been more frightening. Well, except for when Nancy Grace is on, that is.

Made for somewhere around $80,000, The Video Dead very much feels like a cheap, shot on video zombie film. However, despite the fact that it's not shot on video and there is enough money behind it to bring it up a few technical notches, the vibe is very much still there. The setting is simple and secluded, and more than likely the houses used as sets belonged to those involved with the film. The acting is also quite awful, coming from a cast of thespians with very little to none in terms of other film work. Some of the make-up is rough around the edges, and sadly, there is very little gore for a film that one would expect copious amounts of grue from. 

Where The Video Dead does sort of sets itself apart from the pack is, despite the unoriginal setting, there are a few cool ideas that come to life in a way that is sometimes visually appealing. Seeing the zombies represented in a black and white film on the television is certainly a nice touch. However, one of the better moments is when the zombies actually come rising out of the screen, something that flat out looks cool. In addition, even if the make-up is a tad sketchy at times, most of the zombies have a great look, which is certainly important in a zombie film. One thing that really surprised me about this movie though, is the level of unpredictability, specifically in the final act. I won't spoil anything, but I will say that The Video Dead has more balls than I would have ever expected going into it.

The Video Dead works perfectly as a party film, but I would be somewhat hard pressed to fully consider it a movie that's so bad it's good, and that's due to the fact that there is a sharp sense of humor laid throughout the film. It's very tongue-in-cheek, almost playing more as a comedy than it does a B-horror film. The character interactions and some of the dialogue is, at times, very funny. Moments like Jeff renaming another character Cow Shit in retaliation to constantly being referred to as boy, or Zoe claiming to be a college Aerobics major are just a few examples of the humor strewn throughout The Video Dead.   

"Lightening the mood" to watch The Video Dead.

Can't blame this one on the tobacco companies…

Flock of Seagulls?!

Some of the comedic elements I did enjoy, however, that humor does get a little tiresome at times, causing a few dull moments when there shouldn't be. Unless it's VERY funny, I prefer my bad cheap horror to be just that, bad and cheap, and I wouldn't consider The Video Dead to be anything more than marginally funny during the times where it's actually trying to be. I would much rather be entertained by bad acting (which is dealt out in spades in the film) and other such cinematic atrocities than have a film try too hard to be humorous. Simply put, the situations are far funnier than the execution.  

Regardless of my minor qualms, The Video Dead delivers the '80s goods in a way that truly fits the time period. It embodies the VHS era in just about everyway with its incredible box art, it's low-budget, the bad acting, and the whacked out zombies. As I mentioned earlier, it makes for the perfect group viewing, preferably with a little something-something to lighten the mood (you know, like heroin), and if you're a connoisseur of this type of film, then it should certainly tickle your pickle. Unless you don't have one, in which case it will have to tickle the female organ that rhymes with pickle. Sickle maybe? How about Travis Bickle?

Chucktober 3: Season of the Witch!

It is indeed a day of joy for some of us. Those of us who see an entirely deeper level to the colors of the trees as they begin to change as each day grows colder than the last. Those of us who are unexplainably drawn to the sounds of these once vibrant decorations crunching below our feet as we walk the streets, breathing the fresh autumn air into our rejuvenated lungs. Those of us who have an incredible, almost natural draw to the seasonal aisle in almost every single store we walk into (well, maybe not Fashion Bug). Those of us who keep our eyes peeled for anything and everything showing on cable that might give us Goosebumps. It is indeed a day of joy, for those of us who love Halloween.

Now, some of you may have already noticed, but in case you haven't, today is the 1st of October. And with this day in October comes an event unlike any event known to man, the first day of Chucktober!! BAM! Shit just came up and shattered your eardrums with its intensity! But listen up, brah, there ain't no time for shattered eardrums when we have an entire month of Halloween madness to enjoy! 

If you're new to these here parts and are not yet aware of Chucktober, well, I suppose I should explain it to you then. It's about as simple as it gets, Chucktober is a month long celebration of all things Halloween, and with that comes a 100% focus on horror. All the movies reviewed as well as any other general postings will either be horror or Halloween related. Now, I know it's not much of a stretch for me to solely focus on horror when the horror genre already makes up about 85% of Chuck Norris Ate My Baby, but it is still 15% more than normal, so there!  

This would actually mark the third year for Chucktober (yikes!), and I couldn't be any more excited! Well, I could if I was eating pancakes, but I digress. So, what's in store during this month of macabre? Well, I don't want to outright blow my load, so I won't go into too much detail. Buuut… I will say that there might be a returning segment, a brand new micro-segment, a handful of reviews of movies that should fit in well with the month, and all sorts of other Halloween related shit that will litter Chuck Norris Ate My Baby during the days leading up to All Hallow's Eve!

Now, to get you in the spirit proper, I thought I would provide you with a song about the only (non-wife) love I know, Halloween. Enjoy, and get ready, 'cause it's fucking Chucktober.

A Guide to Recognizing Your October Horror

That title's a bit of a stretch, but whateva. You see, it's not the title that matters so much as it is the content that makes this post Beyond Thunderdome epic. Best part about it is I didn't even have to write it, because the ever-fantastical Stacia of She Blogged By Night fame has already done so. You see, Stacia has this incredible habit of posting a comprehensive list of "Movies to Watch for" on Fox Movies, TCM and Sundance Channel during the month ahead. And it just so happens that there is a certain little month known as October creeping up and around the corner, and that would naturally mean that many of the films featured on Stacia's list are of the horror variety! And hey, you love horror, don't you?! Sure you do!

So take a moment or two and head over to She Blogged By Night and check out what's in store on three of the best movie channels around (two of which I don't get ). You can literally use the post as a reference guide to a ton of unedited, commercial free horror goodies that October has to offer, without any of the work. It's like The Horror Hangover, but on roids and 100% less SyFy!  

October Movies to Watch For

Great Moments in CGI: Mega Python vs. Gatoroid

I think this might be one of those rare occasions where the CGI is actually outshined by the music.

Valhalla Rising: Losing My Religion

"We raised the cross, now we bring the sword!"

Part 1 Precursor

Often after I watch a film that either interests me or possibly gives me something meaty to chew on in either a positive or negative way, I'll take a peak at what other people across that vast universe known as the internet think. I like to get an idea of what others like or dislike about a film that I myself either like, dislike or am not fully sure about yet. While this is clearly a mistake as IMDB is mostly a cesspool for idiots (only to be outshined by YouTube), I still find myself checking out a few of their user reviews (both positive and negative), which can be a way of getting the average film fan's thoughts, as opposed to the cult/genre geek who may be too well aligned with my wavelength to get a solid differing opinion. 

Part 2 The Issue

This would happen most recently with Nicolas Winding Refn's Valhalla Rising, a film that, for me, cements Refn as one of the most visually present and thought provokingly interesting filmmakers working today. Soon after I finished the film and processed my thoughts for a few moments, I took to the net, did some research (interviews with Refn, etc.), then read a few quick reviews. One of the recurring negative complaints about Valhalla Rising that stuck out like a sore dick was the proclamation that the film is all style and absolutely no substance. 

Now, in my experience with his work (and I have seen most of his films), I find that Refn is a virtual beast when it comes to what he presents on screen. Refn has an ability create astounding visuals; he commands powerful, next level performances from his actors; he captures a Neanderthalian brutality with a ferocity that simply pummels the audience; and most importantly for the sake of this piece, Refn delivers deep subtext in a way that doesn't stick its ass out at the audience.

Part 3 We're On A Mission From God

As for the film's story, Wikipedia describes Valhalla Rising's plot as such: "The film takes place in 1000 AD and follows a Norse warrior named One-Eye and a boy named Are as they travel with a band of Christian Crusaders in pursuit of a Crusade. Instead they find themselves in an unknown and unfamiliar land."

Valhalla Rising is very simplistic as far as the characters' physical journey goes, yet, it is the intricacies of what lie just at the surface that give it incredible depth. You read that description and you know this band of Christian Crusaders are on a Crusade, but it is what they are Crusading for that brings about the film's connotations; the overbearingly high-handed religious connotations that litter the film from front to back. High-handed religious connotations that greatly reflect many of the biggest challenges faced by mankind in the world in which we live today.

Their Crusade is for one thing and one thing only, to go back to Jerusalem and take back their land in the name of God. Their God.

For as long as mankind has dwelled upon this earth, (some) people have, do and will put themselves in positions of power by sending false messages of superiority. They use faith as a way of gaining trust as well as instilling fear in those who are without the ability to think for themselves. Those who are led to believe that if they follow the flock and fight for their God, they will be ensuring themselves a spot in heaven, safe and happy, while all those that dare to follow the wrong beliefs rot in hell. Or worse, a 9-to-5 job without benefits. Yikes.

Part 4 Driven by Fear

These Crusaders are only slightly more naïve than many who comb our Earth in present day and every day between now and the time in which Valhalla Rising is set. Their idealistic beliefs cause them to, deep down, fear those who do not share in their faith, and as the wise old Yoda once said, "Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering" In this case, the suffering is meant for those who do not support, who do not follow and who dare to stand opposed to a certain belief.

The symbolism is as simple as the line, "We Raised the cross, now we bring the sword!," when referring to the strange foreign land in which the Crusaders now inhabit and plan to overtake. Filled with unseen, indigenous natives who must be eradicated because they are not them. They are not Christians. They are not Crusaders of God.

And they wipe with leaves. Gross.

The symbolism is as simple as one character holding up two short swords to form the most iconic of Christian symbols: the cross. Using weapons of destruction as a representation of faith; the very same weapons that are also meant to take down those who oppose their ideology. Brandishing these instruments of death in such a way is reflective of the misguidance and lack of understanding that some people have for religion. They also represent the one choice that is given to anyone who comes within their reach. You're either with us, or against us, and if you're against us, well, we brought the sword if that should answer your question. 

Part 5 The Lamb

The vastly more obvious religious undertones come specifically from the character of One-Eye himself (played with a silent brilliance by Mads Mikkelsen of the Pusher films), as he is presented in a Christ-like fashion. However, while his character is used to represent a specific event for a specific religion, he represents sacrifice in a way that is not selfish, a way that is not driven by fear, greed, power, or a specific belief – but driven by faith, period. His sacrifice is propelled by selflessness, which is what many religions can easily preach,  yet, it always seems so difficult for people such as the Crusaders to actually live like those who inspired their beliefs. In fact, they do the exact opposite, and I guess that's just human nature for you.

Part 6 Resolution

I can see not enjoying Valhalla Rising because it's not what you want from a Viking film, but if it were just what you wanted, it would be no different from what has already been done in other Viking movies. If someone were to say to me they do not enjoy Valhalla Rising because it's too slow (and it is very slowly paced), or that they just aren't into any of this underlying, and possibly pretentious to some, subject matter that I have gone over here, then that's certainly fine by me. To each his own, and that is what subjection is all about. On the other hand, to classify Valhalla Rising as having no substance is completely and totally off the mark, as there is much more substance than one can easily see on the surface, if only they bothered to focus on something other than what is directly in front of them.

The Silent House: This Old House OF HORROR!!!

The Silent House is a low-budget Uruguayan horror film that opens with Laura (Florencia Colucci) and her father, Wilson (Gustavo Alonso), just as they are moving into a cottage they plan to renovate with the intentions of eventually putting it up for sale. Not too long after the two arrive and are all settled in for a good night's rest, Laura begins to hear loud noises coming from the upper level of the cottage. When her father doesn't return from his investigation of these startling sounds, Laura is left all by her lonesome, with only the harsh light of a lantern as her guide, to try to find her father and get out of the house alive.

Claiming to deliver "Real Fear in Real Time," director Gustavo Hernández's The Silent House (La Casas Munda) is a handheld horror film shot in one continuous take. Or at least that's what those behind the film would suggest. I think it's safe to assume that competently filming a full-length feature in such a way is nearly impossible, so this claim is basically nothing more than hyperbole meant to generate interest in the film. Regardless, claiming that The Silent House is done in real-time is not an issue for me. I'm not the type of douche that will call them out over the moments where the edits are clearly hidden; I would much rather appreciate the approach they take as well as the execution and how it's achieved.

This one take style of filmmaking has been done before, most notably with Hitchcock's Rope (which really sounds like a porno film) as well as the game show themed, serial killer film, Slashers, which is a lesser known low-budget horror flick that I have always enjoyed more than I probably should. While you will have no problem whatsoever figuring out where the cuts are hidden, the one continuous real-time shot works impressively well passed the gimmick and plays as an effective way to create some truly nerve-wracking tension. The key here is the way cinematographer Pedro Luque brilliantly choreographs the film. For a good portion of The Silent House, the camera is placed in a position similar to that of what one would see in a 3rd person videogame (behind and slightly to the side of the character), and if anyone that has actually played a well-made 3rd (or even 1st) person horror game knows there is a certain level of genuine creepiness that can be achieved if done right. And The Silent House certainly does it right.

The strength of The Silent House comes from how it's technically put together. Luque uses a stabilized handheld approach in capturing the events as they unravel on screen. And with a budget of only $6,000 - which is incredible considering what is achieved - Hernández and Luque employ the techniques of the handheld style of filmmaking as a means to save on money as well as generate true anxiety, without having to resort to the tropes that come with your typical found footage cinema. It would also appear as if most of the film, if not all, is brought to life with the natural light provided by whatever may be around for the characters. Laura spends much of the film terrified, wandering around the decrepit house with only the guidance of candles and, most effectively, a lantern, which gives off a light that provokes an incredibly atmospheric and almost ghostly look from the darkened setting.

In many ways the videogame comparison I made earlier is spot on, as the film has no real immediate plot. The characters are introduced and the horror almost instantly begins, leaving Laura to simply walk around as if she were in a level from a horror themed videogame, as the viewer is left waiting for something to jump out at her. This works as a double edged sword, as I enjoy how there's no bullshit to deal with, just the horror of being in an eerie house with the fear that someone, or something, is out to get you. The pacing is also very patient in a way that can be grueling, leaving the viewer anxious as to when and where a scare might come from. On the other hand, the characters are almost nonexistent and serve no actual purpose outside of being conduits for scare tactics. Well, kind of.

There comes a point late in The Silent House's short runtime (an hour and fifteen minutes, minus the end credit sequence that comes before the film even ends) where I started to wonder how long I could sit and watch this girl continuously walk around a darkened cottage before it gets old. It works greatly for much of the first two acts, but there comes a point where you have to wonder why the hell hasn't she left yet? Incidentally, it's at this point that the character development is introduced in what is a major plot twist. This reveal is what gives the characters any semblance of depth, but by that point, it's a who cares situation. Couple that with the twist being absolutely and utterly horrendous, and you have yourself an experiment in fear that can execute the chills and tension, but not anything that would actually make one care about anyone involved.

I have a few specific films that I could compare The Silent House to for the sake of interesting conversation, but that would most certainly spoil this film for anyone reading this. I will say that you are asked to believe what your eyes do not show you, which is really a lot to ask of your viewers in most any situation. Regardless of its ending, the lack of logic and the too lame too late character depth, The Silent House is a film well worth the time of any horror fan that is looking for a good genuine scare. It's a subtle, authentically creepy, well made horror film that comes from a country that never shows up in the conversation. After seeing The Silent House, I believe that Gustavo Hernández will be one to keep an eye out for.