Salute Your Shorts: Enter the Dark

Taking what has become the standard for easy to make, cheap, effective micro budget horror films, Enter the Dark is one of many entries into the horror genre by filmmakers who have collectively discovered the great potential with what The Blair Witch Project did back in 1999. Now, 1999 is a long time ago in retrospect, and yet, since that time, the handheld genre has done no less than grow exponentially. Be it with meager short films such as Enter the Dark, new takes on the zombie and exorcism genres with REC and, the more recent, The Last Exorcism, or the big budget attempts by studios with the likes of Cloverfield, the handheld verite style has proven it has immense staying power. A staying power that is only impacted greater with something like Paranormal Activity coming along and makes a major splash, spawns a successful Hollywood sequel, thus only furthering the influence on the future filmmakers of the world.

One of the most common angles of this genre, specifically for the ones of little to no budget, is the haunted house – or, trapped in a house for whatever reason - story. I really don't need to dwell on why that is because it's not difficult to figure out why, but what is more important is how. As in, how well can one do with limited means, time and support. Enter the Dark takes a simplistic idea, a man that has been plagued by a haunting in his home and has enlisted his skeptical friend to help him find some proof so he can hopefully figure out a way to stop it. It's as basic as you can get, but what writer/director/producer/editor/pole dancer Todd Miró does with this film is what gives it the right legs to show that this style of cinema will be viable for quite some time. So long as there's talent involved, naturally.

Coming in at just over 17-minutes, Enter the Dark jumps right in with its two characters, Charles and Rob (played respectfully by, Charles Yoakum and Rob Sandusky), who are instantly relatable. Their well-crafted dialogue is sufficient to what you would hear from real life, middle-aged friends, with little jokes and ribbings that come flowing as if these characters have known each other for years. The rapport between both Charles and Bob is a great way to keep a typical horror situation interesting but, more importantly, it also sets things up in a light way so that when the scares do happen, they are better apt to catch the viewer off guard. It's the distract you with this hand, while giving you the gut punch with the other, technique.

On a technical level, Enter the Dark looks quite good and that might be where it actually stands out the most. Both characters spend much of their time in complete darkness, with only the light from a flashlight and camcorder to guide them through the hallways and bedrooms of the house. With that limited source of light comes plenty of engulfing darkness, and the blacks are as sharp as a Hanzo blade. There is little to no grain and the intense contrasting light-to-dark only seems to mirror the promise made by the film's title. While a few of the more ghostly sounds used are a bit hokey (save for the very creepy use of a certain children's toy), the overall sound design is strong and handled in a way where it is often difficult to make out exactly what you are hearing.

In many ways, Enter the Dark reminded me of an 80's anthology television show, not unlike Tales From the Darkside, or Monsters, for example. It's that basic formula of early character development, then a few odd occurrences happen to create tension, and lastly, the finale hits with a twist that is jump worthy and satisfying, in a slightly silly way. It's quick, fun and a bit spooky and, as promised, watching Enter the Dark in the dark makes it all the more effective.

If you too would like to Enter the Dark (oh yeah, I said it), you can head-on over to IndieFlix to check out the film by either purchasing a 30-day stream for $1.95, or picking up the DVD for $5.95. You can also check out the film's official website for more info and behind the scenes shenanigans.

Some longwinded thoughts on SyFy's Face Off

Last evening the SyFy channel premiered the new original series, Face Off, a reality competition show where 12 professional makeup effects artists compete for a grand prize of $100,000, a year's supply of makeup and, most importantly, bragging rights. I had the chance to check out the premier episode after hearing about it - from the lady that tolerates me - only a few hours before its 10:00 PM air time. I had heard the title of the show a few times before, but I wasn't aware of its content up until that point. More so, if it didn't star Cage and Travolta, how was I supposed to care, right? Either way, being a horror fan that grew up in a time when makeup FX artists where hailed, I was very excited so see how Face Off would play out.

Much like nearly every reality competition TV show out there, from Top Chef and Project Runway, to my favorite, Scream Queens, Face Off's contestants are asked to face-off (I know) against one another in a sort of quick-fire challenge, where they have to create something on the fly and under the gun (not Tim Gunn), with the hopes that either one of them can win immunity from being sent home at the show's end. This is followed by a main challenge, which is much larger in scale and, at least in the first episode, teams up two artists, both of whom have to bring their A-game, or worry about being sent home by a panel of surprisingly noteworthy judges. As I said, it's just like every other show on the market, but what sets it apart is, of course, the subject matter.

As I mentioned (more than once), I grew up in a time when Savini was a god, KNB was to be reckoned with and Steve Johnson was banging Linnea Quigley. Special effects artist were like rock stars for the horror community and, with the advent of CGI, that has deteriorated quite a bit over the years. It looks like the contestants will be challenged in all aspects of the form, including CGI, at one point or another, but the core of this show is creating art using foam-rubber, latex and paint. Highlighting this aspect of filmmaking is a wonderful idea, and this reality competition format plays perfectly to the form.

It may be far from original, but many shows that follow this same formula are very successful, and a big part of that is people like to see others create. Creativity and adaptability are key, and it's fun to watch people do those things in a competitive fashion and either succeed by making something amazing, or fail miserably when they create something completely awful. An art form such as practical makeup effects fits like O.J.'s glove couldn't, and I believe a show like this does great things by shining the spotlight on this style of artistry, as well as serving a hearty meal for us horror fiends to chew on every week. And based off the first episode, which showcased some mighty fine creature work, there will be some incredible things to look forward to.

I'll give credit to SyFy, mostly because they get shit-on a lot for some of their better-known attributes, namely SyFy movies, but those have obviously proven to be successful for the channel, so how can you really blame them. Even if it's not breaking down any walls of originality, at least SyFy tries to put out entertainment that caters to people like us that, in turn, translates to ratings. They often seem to have trouble getting the formula down right, it seems. I think Face Off might just have the right mixture of what we want, well, at least me, as a horror audience, as well as something that could grab the more casual viewer who is simply curious as to what so-and-so will create next.     

On a slightly related side note, doesn't Mega Python vs. Gateroid look awesome?! Finally, Tiffany and Debs in a picture together!

Guest Spot on the Hump!

Some time back I was asked by America's sweetheart, T.L. Bugg, master of disaster and the main-man behind The Lightning Bug's Lair, to write a guest post for his Alfred Hitchcock specific segment, Hitch on the Hump. This is a segment that Bugg has been doing on and off again for quite some time, so for him to ask me to take part is quite the honor. Even more so, it gave me a reason to delve into some Hitchcock, and seeing as I was lucky enough to check out Rear Window on the big screen just a few weeks back, my film of choice came pretty easily. So head on over to The Lair, read about my thoughts on Rear Window, as well as my experience seeing it in the cinema, and be sure to check out all the other goodies the Bugg has to offer! I heard he has lots of speed and dildos, and we all love speed and dildos, right?!

Click Da Link!

Punky BOOster

And no, that's not a misspelled Punky Boobster joke, though, it did cross my mind as a tit…I mean title. The reason for the Boo in Brewster is due to a traumatic episode of the beloved kids television show titled, The Perils of Punky. This season two, two-part episode aired in 1985, which would put me at the tender age of…1+1=2 5x4=…about 8-years-old. Now, why would I post a commercial free two part episode of Punky Brewster on Chuck Norris Ate My Baby you ask? Well, that would have to do with the extremely surreal and frightening events that developed within this horrifying story-line.

What starts off as a normal and fun filled camping trip, Punky, Allen, Cherie, Brandon the dog and that bitch Margeaux (way to spell your name, grub), run into something far worse than mosquitos on this trip to hell. Having a lot more to fear than wiping with leaves, Punky and the crew find themselves in a cave that is haunted by an old Indian curse (so litter they best not), that would want to harm Punky and her pals. As would be expected, there are no adults around - once again showing that Henry is too old, senile and unfit to take care of a child. Unless he was giving Cherie's grandma, Betty, some much needed cream in her coffee. Then I could forgive him, I suppose – so it's up to the kids and the power o' Punky to save the day!  

There is a whole lot of video to watch here, so I wouldn't expect you to sit through it all, unless you might actually want to. You can skip right to the third portion (starting around 2:08), better known as the meat and taters of this creepy kids classic. It's totally worth it.

 

 

Pretty damned frightening for a kids TV show, don't ya think? I have always had a strong memory of The Perils of Punky due to the fact that it did scare me quite a bit as a child, especially Allen's fucked up head and his nicotine stained teeth. I also remember my mother coming into the living room as I was watching the episode's finale and after only a few seconds she said: "This is a kids show?!" Like she was all pissed that it was so intense and said it with a slight tone like she might make me stop watching it at any moment. Thanks to chloroform, she didn't.

Sure, there is the possibility that it was a little much for kids, with the trippy effects, the screaming giant spider, Allen's and Cherie's freaky heads, and the H.P. Lovecraft by way of Sparkle Motion inspired creature that tells Punky that he is going to kill her. But there's nothing wrong with a 'little much' for a kid as that little much was a small factor in who I would become as an adult film fan. It was a little much, sure, but more importantly, it was enough to stick around in my horror loving mind since I was too young to think about Punky as a sex toy.  

The Taint: Independently Filthy

In a world that has been overtaken by well-endowed, rabid men - with an appetite for crushing in the heads of any female they come across - it's up to Phil O'Ginny (Drew Bolduc) and his female road companion, Misandra (Colleen Walsh), to try to stop the cock-crazed apocalypse that has fallen upon them. That's right. Cock-crazed. Within the first five minutes of The Taint, I was subjected to a close-up shot of some girl's boobies, an old man with shit hanging (and eventually dropping) out of his ass and a dude with a plump pecker spewing Peter North worthy loads like it's no ones business. I cannot honestly say I was too thrilled by this opening (though, I didn't mind the boobies) and immediately went into a mode where I knew I was going to hate what I was watching.

Going over-the-top is a tricky thing (unless you're Sly, naturally), and a huge problem with many films that do so fail because the only thing they have going for them are their over-the-top elements. And to be honest, being outrageous is not a good basis for quality entertainment - unless you can back it up with something that can actually entertain me. So as I'm sitting back, already waiting for the short 70-minute film to end, I was subjected to a movie that goes well out of its way to alienate, disgust and piss off its viewer. Now, I'm not one to feel any of those emotions with a movie like this, instead, I will simply roll my eyes and wish I were watching something better. However, as the film moved on, and throughout the copious amount of lowball sleaze, I found myself slowly being swayed to the dark side of, The Taint.

So, as I said, after the opening scene I was ready to say fuck off to this film. Once that's in my head, it takes a lot to bring me back around again, but The Taint did, and it did so by doing one important thing right. It's funny. In fact, it's funny enough to, over the course of its quick runtime, make me even enjoy the outrageous aspects of the movie. But being outlandish isn't what makes The Taint funny. It's the writing - specifically the dialogue - that had me giggling with politically incorrect glee. Lines like: "Damn you! She was so hot!" is blared out by O'Ginny just after he sees his girlfriend's head get bashed in. Or a hysterical impromptu speech O'Ginny makes about his ability to cock-block a group of gang rape hungry men led by his gym teacher (Cody Crenshaw).

The Taint almost feels like a series of long sketch comedy scenes that all connect to either a character in the film or the apocalyp-dick situation they are in. And even if these vignettes all share a great sense of humor, they are also filled with more than enough pure filth that I'm sure will completely offend most viewers. For example, an abortion by hanger is only allowed if the hanger used is washed with antibacterial soap first. Sick? Sure, but it's too darkly funny for someone like me not to be able to appreciate it. And of course there are plenty of gruesomely outrageous gore effects, most of which come from heads being smashed open in a variety of ways, as well as the infected having their cock heads shot off (head shots, if you will).

Drew Bolduc (who plays the film's lead, O'Ginny) and Dan Nelson share much of The Taint's thick load, with the two co-directing, producing and each taking on various important tasks to make the film cum to life. Despite my initial reaction to The Taint, they put together a movie that I believe can only play as it is to get the results it does. The humor is brash, disgusting and offensive, but it's smartly written and executed effectively, which is more than I can say for what passes for mainstream comedy nowadays. The Taint ain't for everyone. In fact, it's not even really for me, but that is a testament to the comedic elements found within the pile of cocks, cum, tits and grue.

The Taint is available through the film's official website where you can purchase either a copy of the DVD, download an HD digital copy of the film or get your grove on and check out the great 80s-censtric original OST.

CNAMB's Worst Films of 2010

Unless there were to be some miraculous act of *choose your own religious icon*, with any best of the year film list, unfortunately, comes a worst of the year list. Last year I had but two films to name (thankfully), and technically that would be the same with this year, too. Nevertheless, there were also a few movies that stood out for, well, not standing out at all. Those movies that weren't horrendous or worst of the year worthy, but failed to deliver anything but a one time watch and shrug-filled forget. I'll get those out of the way first.

The Most Mediocre of 2010  

(from *cough-cough* best to worst )

The Book of Eli

Some interesting ideas flooded a film that was frankly, not all that interesting. A few cool action set pieces, some decent acting but, in the end, I just didn't care much about anything that was going on. And as much as I enjoy seeing Mila Kunis on screen, I find it hard to believe that in a land where everyone has jacked-up teeth, that she, who was born well after the apocalypse happened, had them shits looking like a white strip commercial. Her stylish post-apocalyptic inspired get-up wasn't any easier to chew on, either.  

The Crazies

With what started out as a strong kind of sort of infection film, The Crazies quickly went from interesting and tension filled, to clichéd and quite boring by the second half. There were a few great moments, but overall it wreaked of familiarity and apparently wasn't worth my memory's time as - outside of a few scenes and the always enjoyable Timothy Olyphant - I can remember very little about the film. Lots of promise and it came close to being decent but, ultimately, the ball was dropped somewhere along the line.

The Wolfman

Loved the atmosphere. Loved the way that the titular beast looked. Loved the classic gothic setting. Loved the gory bits. So what the hell happened with The Wolfman? Well, let's start with it being far too long and far too uninteresting. The unnecessarily complicated plot seemed to be going by way of the kitchen sink theory, and the pacing was so out of whack that I had no idea where I even was in the story. To make things worse, the dialogue was utterly laughable. I can see where this one had so many pre-release issues, and it shows in the final product. A series of cool scenes filled in with way too many boring ones, driven by the biggest casting mistake a studio could have ever made, does not result in a good film.

Legion

Sure, it's not a very good film in the least, and I do have it on my most mediocre list, but I actually didn't mind watching Legion too much. I had shit expectations and it only slightly surpassed them by at least having a few cool angel fight scenes towards the film's end (but there really should have been more of that). Still, I cannot believe that a movie can be - in this day in age with critics abound – as fucking clichéd as Legion was. The characters were as awful as it gets, ranging from a rich snotty women, a slutty chick, a doubting hero, and right on down to the fucking black guy that listens to loud rap, smokes weed and carries a gun. Whatever.

……………………………………………………………………

Okay, now that the whatever films of 2010 are out of the way, let's move on to the meat and taters of this here post: The worst films of 2010. As with last year, I only have two films, thankfully, and while this list is littered with two films that made me groan, they are a slight improvement over the films that made my two-film list last year. Alright, let's get on with it, shall we?   

The Worst Films of 2010

(once again, from *cough-cough* best to worst)

The Road

I just don't know what it is about The Road that peeved me off so much, well I do, but I am not sure why my unimpressed feeling slowly became a complete feeling of despise for the film over time. It looked great, it captured an apocalyptic setting that needed to be captured, Aragorn was solid, as always, and this generation's Lance Henriksen, Garret Dillahunt, even makes an appearance. What's not to like? Well, let's start with Kodi Smit-McPhee, who's character, Boy, was quite awful and just plain annoying from start to finish. His dialogue constantly drove me up the wall, and how could any kid grow up in the apocalypse and not begin to form some sense of balls? I know he's a kid, but this is a survival situation that would sort of force anyone to learn to instinctively toughen up, and quickly, too.

That little jerk-off aside, what really chapped my ass the most about The Road was the complete lack of emotion that was to be found. This is a movie where everything is based on emotion, but there is none built at all. It's as if the filmmakers were simply expecting people to fall for it because it was such a sappy situation. Father, son, the apocalypse, WAHH! Sorry, bro. You have to earn my emotions, not instantly receive them with cheap ploys and crying men who couldn't even keep their clothes on half the time. See, now I'm just getting more pissed even thinking about this fucking movie. Skip The Road and watch Winter's Bone instead. It does everything that The Road couldn't, and Dillahunt's in that too.    

The Road Review

 

  Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever

Nothing quite says disappointing like having your first 2010 film, which also just so happened to be a birthday gift that I had on my wish list, be a complete pile of overhyped shit. Not that Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever – the sequel to one of my favorite horror films of the last decade – received this insane praise all around, but the reception was certainly warmer than anyone expected and enough to give me fair hope for a fun time. All the elements were there: Good special effects, decent art design and a certain sense of 80's familiarity that is always welcome in a film of its type, when done right, of course. 

So what makes Spring Fever make me wish I had yellow fever? First of all, it's not at all funny. The humor falls completely flat and a part of that has to do with the lack of properly conveyed quirkiness, something that attributed greatly to the success of Roth's original film. Even with the moments that are there to solely gross out in a humorous, over-the-top fashion, never did so in a way that garnered any sort of reaction out of me. But where Spring Fever pooped the hardest is it was not at all entertaining. In fact, I would go as far as to call it boring. And boring is something that is unforgivable. Mix that in with obnoxiously poor sound design and that way shoehorned in ending, and you have my least favorite movie of the year.

Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever Review

Now, while I am starting to feel a little bad about calling some kid a jerk-off that probably doesn't deserve it (why do I have to have a conscience?), you can clearly see that some films can truly bring out quite a stir of emotions for films fans. Just writing about movies like this gets me all riled-up and now I want to hear what films snapped your banana off at the wrong spot in 2010?

Paracinema Is So Slutty

If you're in the mood for a filthy good laugh (well, I hope you would laugh, or at least that's the goal), head on over to Paracinema and take a peak at my review for the Tinto Brass directed, Erotic masterpiece, Monamour! Seriously, reading my review will be like living and breathing the film, and you can do it in an 1/8 the time it would take you to actually watch it. Plus, the chances for STDs would go down by at least 73% by reading it. Plus, plus, there are pictures of almost naked people!! And we all know how much you perverts love a good naked person in your everyday lives, so go on, get your fine little ass over there, okay?

CLICK DA LINK!!