Five Scary Ass Bitches

I haven't done a list in what seems like forever, and seeing as lists were something I used to do quite often back when I was still writing for the Willie Aames published, Christian swimming magazine, Holy Diver, I figured it was high time I did a list of some sort. Thankfully, I already had a list of lists that I wanted to do from back then, so I plucked the one that seemed like it would be the most fun. Or the easiest.

So here it is, my list for five of the most frightening women to have ever graced the silver screen, with no numbers, as there is no order in which they stand. Easy enough, right? Okay then…let's shoot this fucker!

 

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Asami Yamazaki

Film: Audition

Portrayed By: Eihi Shiina

What Makes This Bitch So Scurry?!: I have a strong feeling this will be a running theme with this list, but the key to what makes Asami Yamazaki so frightening is just how damned crazy she is. On the surface, Asami is so very delicate, soft-spoken and innocent, however, that facade goes right out the window the moment she feels as if she's been wronged by the one she loves. And to say the methods she uses to cope with her anger are extreme would be a great understatement. Asami is straight up damaged goods, a nut case that has major possessive issues that stem from a childhood almost as fucked up as she is. She is scary because she is unassuming, a none threat, so to see what she is capable of is a grim reminder that anyone is capable of anything if their mind is damaged enough to propel them to do so.    

 

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Kitty Farmer/Mrs. Carmody

Films: Donnie Darko/The Mist

Portrayed By: Beth Grant/Marcia Gay Harden

What Makes These Bitches So Scurry?!: This twofer could be perceived as a cheat, but both Mrs. Carmody and Kitty Farmer are cinematic extensions of one another, with each character having the same goal: to judge, and possibly save, those who do not follow god's plan. It is this judgment and the weight that they and their beliefs carry that make them frightening. They have the power to influence those around them, and that influence carries great consequences for those who are not on the same page as they. While these two women come to very different conclusions in their respective character arcs - with Mrs. Carmody going well over the deep end into a place where all rational sanity is lost - you can see where Mrs. Carmody ends up as being a logical path for Kitty if she too were put in a similar situation. 

 

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Mallory Knox

Film: Natural Born Killers

Portrayed By: Juliette Lewis

What Makes This Bitch So Scurry?!: Much like Asami from Audition, Mallory Knox is shown to have a pretty terrible upbringing, so it's hard not to feel some level of sympathy for her. On the other hand, she knows full well that what she is doing is wrong, yet, she does it anyway. Mallory takes all of the pent up anger and the pain she endured from over the years and vents it right back out and onto others who are as undeserving of having their innocence lost as she did when she was a child. She is a cold-blooded killer with no (or very little) regard for human life, and her drive is pushed forward by an immature selfishness to be free from her childhood oppressions. But what makes her really scary is the fact that Mallory Knox is as sexy as she is deadly, and the pure fact that she is so dangerous makes her even sexier in a strange way. It seems as if it would be very easy to fall victim to her much like the gas station attendant who Mallory bones then quickly kills. 

 

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La femme

Film: Inside

Portrayed By: Béatrice Dalle

What Makes This Bitch So Scurry?!: Seeking to take back what was once accidentally taken from her, La femme is driven by a vengeance to fill the void that was opened when she fell victim to a car accident that caused a miscarriage and the subsequent loss of her child. The idea that she would go after the person that unintentionally caused her loss, with the soul purpose of taking her unborn baby as a replacement, is bonkers, but it is the way in which La femme handles herself that puts her high on the "I just pooped my pants-o-meter." La femme doesn't just kill people that get in her way - she devours them with a ferocity that would make Jason, Freddy and Michael (Myers, not Jackson) take a few steps back to avoid the splatter.  

 

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Annie Wilkes 

Film: Misery

Portrayed By: Kathy Bates

What Makes This Bitch So Scurry?!:

Mentally Unstable: Check

Obsessive Stalker: Check

Strong Like Bull: Check

Everything about Annie Wilkes is terrifying, but what is most unnerving is how she presents herself as this cheery, happy-go-lucky woman who loves nothing more than to read romance novels and chop wood. Annie is clearly living in her own little world, a world where she cannot fully grasp the difference between what is and isn't real. It is the characters and the stories that Paul Sheldon has created in his Misery novels that Annie loves so dearly, however, Annie becomes so attached to the characters that she believes them to be hers and will do anything to keep them just the way she envisions them. If that means taking the author hostage, beating him, drugging him and maybe even hobbling his feet, well, that's just what ya have to do, I guess.

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That about does her. There're plenty of memorable scary female characters that have been brought to life throughout the history of cinema, and these five ladies are but a few of my favorites. Feel free to share your thoughts on my picks and, more importantly, please feel free to share some of your favorite Scary Ass Bitches!

80's Slasher Films that Will Rattle Your Senses!

The Death Rattle has dedicated the entire month of June to everyone's favorite genre, the Slasher film, but more specifically, the Slasher films of the 1980's! Throughout the month, Aaron put together the 80's Slasher Movie Championship Tournament - a massive Slasher showdown that pitted all the genre had to offer from the decade of decadence - to see who would come out on top as voted by his readers. The ultimate Slasher, if you will. Or even if you won't.

Anyways, Aaron decided to cap off this joyous month by having a bunch of horrors sexiest bloggers participate with their own list of essential subgenre specific Slasher films. For example, there is a list for 80's Slashers, 70's Slashers, Campus Slashers, Foreign Slashers and so on and so forth. There are a bunch of excellent writers that took part, then there is me, the one that swopped in and got my dirty little hands on Holiday/Special Occasion Slashers. So head over to The Death rattle for my list of essential Holiday/Special occasion Slasher films, and while you at it, check out the cornucopia of Slasher action!

Baby Babble: VENGEANCE IS MINE!!! Well, not all mine

Good friend and O.G. Baby Eater, Aaron from The Death Rattle recently called for participants to get in on top five lists that he's doing every week over at his blog. It's simple enough, one subject, five films, all to span over a week's time. This is a fantastic idea and it takes a lot of dedication, so I have to give Aaron mad props for doing something that must be a bit time consuming. Some of the great subjects already covered are top five Carpenter films, five most overrated horror films, and the subject that I am breaching with Aaron this week, which is Top Five Female Revenge Movies. Aaron gives the choice of subject matter to the guest blogger, so Female Revenge was my pick for our double-dope list. I am a huge fan of revenge cinema and outside of films concerning the Apocalypse, it's my favorite genre and I'm thrilled that I got to work on this very difficult to form list. It was also quite the honor to work on something with a fine-ass bitch like Aaron, who is one of the most prolific and hardworking bloggers out there, as well as someone whose writing I've been following for some time now. Our number five choices were posted today, and it will end with our number one picks this coming Friday. So, make sure to check out what films we chose and please feel free to weigh in with your thoughts on our choices as well as sharing some of your own.  Click da link!

Knock-knock...Who's there? My Top 5 Funniest Cult Movie Moments!

Wocka wocka wocka! Thought I would take this time to compile a list of some of my favorite funny film moments. Keeping with the content that I normally post about, I will not include classic comedy scenes from the likes of Caddy Shack, or The Jerk, and other films of that ilk. Instead, I choose to do scenes from cult films that fit in with the normal Baby Eating subject matter, but even then, I will stay away from the more obvious films, such as An American Werewolf in London, or Evil Dead II: Dead by Dawn. I could probably make this a top 30 list and 1 through 30 could be from Troll 2 alone, and to be honest with you, it would still probably be wicked funny. However, I cannot go the easy rout and I did put some thought into it, while also putting as much variety in the types of films these scenes stem from. And now, the list shall begin…

5. Mars Attacks - This is what it sounds like, when doves cry

I had a ton of trouble finding a shorter clip, so just fast forward to around 7:30...ma bad. Oh, and it's in French too, but that kinda makes it funnier?!


This entire scene is comedy at its best in how it’s built up and ultimately executed, but I am more concentrating on a certain smaller moment in the fantastically funny, Tim Burton alien invasion classic, Mars Attacks. Not even sure if it’s that funny to anyone else, but to me, it’s flat out hysterical…the scene that the actual moment takes place in, is when the Martians first meet with the leaders of the world. Things seem to be going great and so far the Martians thankfully seem friendly and peaceful…that is until a silly hippie type decides to express his patchouli happiness by releasing a dove into the air in honor of peace! The shirt he is wearing and how he softly sets free the dove into the air as he says, “They came in peace” is so funny to me. Even better, is when the Martians flip out from the sight of the flying creature and immediately shoot it down, turning it into nothing more than a pile of burnt up incense. Nice job ya hippie jerk off!

4. Kung Fu Hustle - Have a knife day


Love Stephen Chow and love Kung Fu Hustle. It’s just a super fun mix of amazing Martial Arts fighting, drama, and of course, the reason why I bring it up, humor. Kung Fu Hustle, along with most the films on this list, has a ton of great comedic moments and/or scenes that could easily make this top 5 list that I have put together for you. With that said, one of my favorite comedy scenes in the film is when Sing, (played by Chow) and his good pal Bone (played by Chi Chung Lam), plan to take out the dreaded landlady to prove themselves to the almighty Axe gang. Sing and Bone are quite inept when it comes to gangbangin’ and the result is Sing being stuck with more sharp implements than Pinhead. I love how well the physical humor is done in this film and especially in this scene; one of the best moments is when Sing meets Indiana Jones’ worst fear, snakes. Perfectly executed and the look on his face is just priceless.

3. Pieces - Cobra Kai, never die!


Not unlike Troll 2, Pieces is a film that is filled with numerous funny moments. One of my personal favs is when the character of Mary (Lynda Day George) is attacked by an Asian man - that of course knows KARATE! After this jumpsuit jump-kicker gives this bitch a beat down, he just passes out!? Why? Well, you find out when Kendall (Ian James) shows up and informs Mary that the man is non other than his Kung fu professor, and as the man from Hong Kong comes to, he explains that it must have been some bad Chop Suey that he had eaten, that may have caused the lapse in judgment! After his great explanation for assaulting a woman, he just says “See you later!” to Mary and Kendall, then jogs off into the darkness as if nothing happened, with no charges pressed whatsoever. Not sure what sense that makes, but it’s fucking hysterical for sure. I think when you beat-up a pretty blond lady, you are in for a tough night in the slammer, but that’s not the case with Pieces…maybe Chris Brown could take some notes and try the bad Chop Suey excuse next time.

2. Jack Frost - Snowman does a little plowing of his own…


I haven’t seen Jack Frost in so long, but I will always remember that one scene that anyone who has watched the film will remember with great psychotic glee. I’m sure it’s obvious that I am not referring to the “Jack Frost that is getting a second chance to be the world's coolest dad... if he doesn't melt first.” I of course mean the Jack Frost with the pissed off killer snowman, and the scene is when Shannon Elizabeth uses her natural storage container to keep a certain snowman’s carrot nice and fresh. It’s one of the stupidest things I have ever seen, but it is also on of the funniest in how unbelievable the scene is. The actual moment I speak of happens at 1:50 into the provided video, (but I encourage you to watch the whole thing due to it being very entertaining) and starts with Elizabeth, who after blow-drying her hair, decides to take a bath (?). Unfortunately, for Elizabeth’s character, Jack Frost is feeling a little dirt-teh too and decides to join her so he can clean out his “misplaced” carrot…if ya know what I mean. I cannot even handle the music in this scene and the thought of a snowman raping a girl is just…a thought I thought I would never have. Thanks to Jack Frost, I have had that thought now.

1. American Movie - For the shits and for the birds


American Movie is definitely my all time favorite documentary - and a film that I have loved since the first time I was welcomed into the lives of Mark Borchardt, his family, and his bat shit crazy friends. There are a plenty of scenes I could've went with in this hysterical film, but I narrowed it down to the one when Mark is attempting to get his Uncle Bill to cooperate on a scene he is shooting for the horror masterpiece, Coven. I love Uncle Bill and think he was so awesome, and I love how irritated he constantly gets when being around his obnoxious and overbearing nephew, Mark. Uncle Bill is most annoyed here as he tries to deliver a line of dialogue with numerous unsuccessful results. “It’s all right, it’s okay, there’s something to live for, Jesus told me soooo…” is a line that Bill just can’t get right, and Mark trying to direct him isn’t making anything any easier for Uncle Bill, who would much rather chill 'til the next episode in his frighteningly filthy trailer. I don’t blame him, it is wintertime in Wisconsin, he is old and tired, and it’s take 31 already. I love that at the end of the clip, when Uncle Bill is all done saying he wont do anymore takes, Mark says “I‘m gonna see what we have to work with” like he is frustrated with Bill’s lack of cooperation…cooperation that lasted 31 takes mind you!

So, that’s my list and I’m sticking to it! Hope you had a chuckle or two, and if you have any funny moments of your own to add, please feel free.