Sunday, August 7, 2011

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Fabulous BOLO!

As I mentioned in my "Halloween is on the way, and I have a wicked boner because of it" post from the first of the month, I referred to a secret Halloween related something or other that I've been working on. Knowing that you have eyes and you can probably already see the photos down below, you more than likely have a good idea about what I've been up to, but elaborate on the details I shall.

In late August of last year, my wife was given a homegrown gourd by one of her work friends who knew of my obsession with all things Halloween and Fall. I wish I had a picture of it to share with you guys, but unfortunately, I don't. Either way, the gourd was very pumpkin like in shape and color, which I loved, and on my fireplace mantle it sat. And sat. And sat, all the way until sometime in April. Now, my knowledge of gourds is minimal at best, but I was flabbergasted by how long the thing stayed before showing even the slightest signs of rot. To me, that was a sign that this gourd was something special.         

In any event, the same friend that had given my friend with benefits the gourd had told her that we could simply toss a gourd in our yard somewhere, and chances are it would grow into magic. Well, being the Fall fiend that I am, I did just that back in April, and there it sat, in perfect shape, for almost two months. I would check on it occasionally to see it still there, straight chillin', fully intact. Then suddenly, from out of nowhere, it was gone! Vanished into thin air, except there was something left behind. A little teeny tiny plant that was clearly not a weed. Within a few weeks the little plant became what I thought was a big plant, which is what you can see here in this first picture that I took on June 28th.


You can see smaller gourd plants all around it!

How fucking cute, right?! Anyway, I have done no more than water it almost everyday, and every time my wife or I looked at the thing, we would be shocked at the rate in which it's growing. In fact, it went from what I thought was a big plant into something that is almost uncontainable, as seen in the next picture, which was taken on August 1st.



Remember, this was a gourd that lasted for an inordinate amount of time (I think) on my mantle, so this rapid rate of growth only points to the fact that the gourd was indeed a mutant. Not only that, but the mutant gourd shall produce other mutant gourds, making me Charles Fucking Xavier. You can't see them in this picture, but there are numerous yellow/orange flowers all over as well as a ton of twisting tendrils ready to produce some serious gourd action (or play The Ruins with my skin). And then there are the stems that are so long and thick, John Holmes would be jealous.

In any event, with a creation such as this, there has to be a name. While names such as Eddy Gourdo, Commissioner Gourdon and Gourdon Ramsay floated through my head, I quickly realized there is only one name that can capture the intense mass and burliness of such a plant, and that name is BOLO! Aptly named after Asian martial arts actor, and buffest mofo around, Bolo Yeung.      


He already kind of looks like a pumpkin, no?

So there you have it, an introduction to Bolo. If things go as planned and Bolo continues to dominate my backyard, I will continue to give you all updates with photos showing his progress. I have high hopes this all will result in a post where I can share with you whatever greatness comes from this freak of nature.

On a related note, Johnny over at Freddy in Space has (beaten me to!) been sharing in the maturation of his very own home grown pumpkin patch, which he has fittingly dubbed "The Evil Pumpkin Patch," as some of the dirt from the set of The Evil Dead was used to plant it. Head over there and check out his progress if you are fiending for more decorative Halloween madness. 


  1. Haha. You are nex! Awesome story, my friend. Cant wait to see the ongoing progress.

    PS Whyd you have to mention The Ruins? Now I wanna punch people in the face.

  2. It's already so much burlier since I took that last photo; thing is all roided up!

    I mentioned The Ruins because the plants in that film would go into people's skin and crawl around, which is what I hope Bolo doesn't do to me. Also, I like The Ruins!

  3. Love it! And really hope it develops a Creepshow 2-like domination over all the neighborhood bullies.

  4. hey i was going to make the creepshow reference... the them is in my head. so i will make a reference to little shop of horrors... give blood... give it blood.

  5. With such a fun blog name and great choice of films, I can't help myself and become your newest baby eater :)

  6. Emily: Ugh, I wish that would happen! However, chances are I will become the victim of a fate similar to that of Stephen King's character in the first Creepshow!

    iZombie: I was thinking of feeding a few of my neighbor's cats, you know, the ones that shit in my yard on the constant!

    Vanessa: Awesome! Thanks a lot, and I hope I don't disappoint you, like I did my parents. ;)

  7. Sa-weet. Seriously, I see a lot of phallic gourd jokes in your future.

  8. So are you, like, setting up your own X-Garden for the Gifted?

  9. Stacia: They will litter every post I do on the subject, I'm sure!

    Ashlee: Yes, all I need is a jet and, ahem, Famke Janssen to complete my mission to help other mutant gourds!


Most Popular Posts

Chuck Norris Ate My Baby is in no way endorsed by or affiliated with Chuck Norris the Actor.