Picking up right where we left off yesterday with Aaron's awesome Rock Opera inspired picks for The Monster Squad, here are my immature choices for your reading pleasure.
Wait, what? What do I mean, me? Well, there are two pretty good reasons for this. First off, Sean was a tough character to recast for some reason. For a second I thought about going with Stephen Dorff, but then I realized that he was too tubby when he was a kid. Though, he is about the right height to play the part now, but whatever, what it really comes down to is Sean is the leader of The Monster Squad, and all I ever wanted (and still want) was to be in and lead The Monster Squad. Simple enough. Plus, Sean was a cool cat and had that rad Stephen King Rules tee-shirt, so if I were to play the role, I would be and have both of those things too.
Patrick: Maria Menounos
Patrick is a boy, I know, but if I'm playing Sean, then my best friend is going to be a girl, not some lame kid wearing Ocean Pacific. Patrick will now be known as Patricia, and my reason for making this best-bud sex-swap is due to the fact that Maria Mentos is wicked hot, and if there were even the slightest chance that we could spend some quality alone time in that sick ass tree house together, without any interruptions form Phoebe the Phoeb, magic could certainly happen between the two of us. Plus, Menudo is a big fan of all Boston sports, something that makes her an easy no-brainer for a best bud.
Horace/Fat Kid: Diane from MTV's Fat Camp
So far I'm doing a terrible job of naming actual actors, and you probably have no clue who the hell Diane from MTV's Fat Camp is, but if you do, then you love this pick! Well, at least I do. Anyways, Horace was always just a poor fat-man's Chunk. Even with one of horror cinema's most recognizable and loved lines of dialogue, Horace is pretty annoying. On the other hand, Diane is also annoying, but she is just as entertaining as she is obnoxious, therefor, she makes the cold cut to play the chunky one. The only issue with this pick, however, is Diane is not allowed in the tree house until she takes a freaking shower.
Rudy: William Smith
Besides Sean, Rudy is the coolest dude in the Squad, and while it was tempting to play duel roles, I figured I should give someone else a chance to play the legendary badass. And what better way than to bring his badassness up to a whole other level by casting the great William Smith. Bodybuilder, military man, stunt man, Marlboro Man and, most importantly, one hell of a tough guy actor. William Smith will bring the Squad a sense of respect that they deserve. Imagine Diane as Fat Kid getting picked on in the school yard for not showering, only to have Smith role up (not peddle up) on his chopper? Kevin's brother would be eating that candy bar alright, but through his ass, not his mouth.
Eugene: David Faustino
Eugene, what a waste of space that kid is. Not cute enough to attract the Phoebe crowd, and not cool enough to smoke butts with Rudy, Eugene is lames McPlains. Now, Eugene was played by one Michael Faustino, who is the brother of my pick, David Faustino, a person that has brought more joy to my life as Bud Bundy than the little Eugene twerp ever could. Also, Bud is only like 19" tall, so he could make for a perfect Eugene. I just hope he brings Kelly up to the club house once in a while.
Phoebe the Phoeb: Keshia Knight Pulliam
It would seem odd picking a black girl to play the role of daughter and sister to a white family, but I think we are all well aware of the rift between Sean's parents. Emily hates that Del is out late working his dangerous job as a cop, leaving her at home to worry about him night after night. Very few people know that this has always been a problem, and on Emily's 32nd birthday, Del was called out from their night on the town to handle a shooting at a near by Dairy Queen, leaving Emily all alone and hammered. Well, alone if you're not counting the shoulder that Emily had to cry on. A shoulder belonging to that of a man named Sapir, who would also later become a cop as well as Del's partner, just so he could stay close to his only child, Phoebe the Phoeb.
Scary German Guy: Christoph Waltz
My pick for Scary German Guy came to me pretty easily. Who in recent memory played a scarier German better than Waltz? What makes this new and improved Scary German Guy a perfect fit is his incredibly outgoing personality, which mixed in with his kick-ass pipe, penchant for cold blooded murder and the fact that he is actually scary, only makes him the perfect fit. Also, the original Scary German Guy was quite fond of delectable desserts as we saw with his quick on the draw production of pie for the Squad. This is something that already comes naturally to the updated SGG with his taste for Strudel with a nice dab of fluffy cream.
Patricia's Sister: Traci Lords
Patricia's sister has to be attractive and Traci Lords has no problem with fitting that bill, but the real reason for my choice is just how ironic it would be. And we all know irony always equals funny, right? Traci Lords as a virgin, I mean, we all know that was only true for a very short amount of time, except, in this new version of The Monster Squad, she actually would be a virgin. How crazy! Now, you might be saying to yourself, if she is a virgin, then that would make a huge impact on the film's ending, right? Nope, because in this version, Patricia's sister is a mute, therefor, she cannot recite the incantations to open the vortex necessary to save the day from the monsters. Bummer.
Count Dracula: Gilbert Gottfried
Most people find Gilbert Gottfried to be annoying, something I can understand, I suppose, but in my narrow minded opinion, I think the man is pure comedy gold. In The Monster Squad, Dracula is the one in charge, the leader, the dude that doesn't play no reindeer games with them punk ass kids (the original punk ass kids, not my new squad, mind you). With Gilbert stepping in, that would add a touch of much needed humor to the character. And he wouldn't even have to try…it would just come naturally. Also, Gottfried is a huge classic horror movie fan and does a spot on (and hysterical) Dracula imitation. He was born for this.
Wolf Man: Fabio
Adding a little sex appeal - outside of the sex appeal that my character brings to the screen, of course - Fabio taking on the role of the Wolf Man works in so many ways. Besides bringing in the middle age female crowd, Fabio could actually play both parts without any make-up whatsoever. As the tortured man, Fabs would simply just wear his hair up in a ponytail. However, when the bad moon rises, that is when his hair is let loose, falling freely all over his body glistening through a suddenly ripped open shirt, leaving him a beast that can only be tamed by women that collect Tupperware.
Frankenstein's Monster: Dikembe Mutombo
This one is pretty easy. I went with a tall dude, but more specifically, I went with a tall dude with a crazy deep and completely frightening voice. No need to doctor his vocals up in post, Dikembe naturally brought that shit like he ate glass covered raisins dipped in razor wire and coated in popcorn kernels.
Gillman: Renée Zellweger
If there's anyone as useless as the Gillman, it's Renée Zellweger. The Gillman served no purpose outside of getting blasted by fat kid in The Monster Squad. It's almost as if you didn't even need him around. Same can be said for Zellweger and her sleep inducing career, an actress that I feel we really don't need around, yet, she's still there with that weird Z'Darish looking face of hers looking back at us. I mean, can she look any more frightening than she has in the last few years? Didn't people try and claim that she was attractive at one point? Those people must have been Gillmen. It's the only explanation.
Mummy: John Waters
He has the stature, the perfect build and just the right amount of decay, but you'll never find my choice for the Mummy hiding in any closet at any point. Instead of bandages, I imagine Waters as the mummy would be covered in tacky ties, wearing a pair of sunglasses and still having that pencil-thin mustache, even with out his upper lip. And of course he would entertain all the other monsters with witty and flamboyant anecdotes about his old trashy Hollywood friends. He could give Dracula a hard time about his drab attire, telling him that he really needs to incorporate some plaid or a little paisley in his wardrobe. It would truly be fabulous.
That's all she wrote, folks. Hope you enjoyed both Aaron's list as well as mine. Make sure to stop by The Death Rattle at least once a day, and while you're at it, check out The Gentlemen's Blog to Midnite Cinema!