Tuesday, November 16, 2010

WEcast: The Monster Squad Part I


I'll keep this snappy as to not bore you with details, but what I have here in this post is the formation of thunder and lightning coming together to create a storm of epic proportions. The thunder would come in the form of Aaron from The Death Rattle, and the lightning would of course be me, the guy that writes the kind of crap you're reading right now. More importantly, the storm that has been mustered up by our length and girth coming together (what?) is in the form of WEcast, which is essentially Aaron and I each recasting a specific film however we best see fit. That specific film would happen to be a movie that is held near and dear to horror fans across the universe, a little movie known as, The Monster Squad. Any questions? Well, lets get going then…

We'll start things off with Aaron's picks for his "Rock Opera" version of, The Monster Squad!

Aaron's Squad

Sean: Justin Long

Not a big fan of Justin Long but he doesn't get on my nerves as much as he does other people's. Sometimes he's funny and yes, sometimes he's annoying, but for the most part I don't really mind him. I'd have him play Sean because he strikes me as someone who has nerdy qualities about him but can still be a leader. He wouldn't be the stereotypical strong hero either, but rather one who acts like a total bitch while under pressure and makes mistakes while providing some comic relief without going too overboard.

Patrick: Giuseppe Andrews

Giuseppe Andrews

I'm a big fan of Giuseppe, but I'd cast him for the simple fact that he really needs to be in more movies and in bigger roles. I had a few people in mind for this role, but when it came down to it, Giuseppe was the guy. His Deputy Winston character from the CABIN FEVER movies is hilarious and I think he'd make the perfect sidekick to Sean in this film. I can see him and Justin Long having good chemistry together. I originally had Giuseppe playing Sean with Harmony Korine playing Patrick, but that would have been way too creepy.

Horace: Andy Milonakis

Not a fan of Andy Milonakis, but I couldn't really think of a lot of overweight actors out there who don't completely get on my nerves. The Jonas dude from SUPERBAD? Ugh. Seth Rogan? No thanks. Plus, Andy Milonakis is like thirty-something years old but looks like he's sixteen, so I think he would be a good fit into the cast of grown men who need to act and somewhat look younger than they really are.

Rudy: Jared Leto


Since my fucked-up version of the MONSTER SQUAD is a Rock Opera, we'd need someone to represent the good guys who can actually sing. It was either Leto or Kevin Bacon, so I obviously went with Leto. In the original, Rudy was the cool older kid who the rest of the characters looked up to, and Leto's a rockstar, so there you go. In this remake, he would be the singer of some shitty cover band and work at Home Depot. Not that there's anything wrong with working at Home Depot, but it would kinda keep his character a little more grounded to reality and not make him some bigshot rock singer (in a shitty cover band), and most importantly give him (and the rest of the guys) access to the material they need to make monster-destroying weapons. Besides, I have to admit that I am a fan of 30 Seconds To Mars, but don't tell anyone. I might lose my street cred.

Phoebe: Alexa Vega

To be honest, I don't know much about Alexa Vega, but I do know that she can sing, which would come in handy as far as creating some musical numbers for the good guys in this trainwreck of a Rock Opera. The only thing I've ever seen her in was REPO: THE GENETIC OPERA, and she did a pretty good job in it despite the movie being kinda stupid and way too overhyped (*cough*Bloody Disguting). She'd basically be the annoying teenage sister of Sean who develops a crush on the hunky Rudy and therefore tags along with the Monster Squad. And instead of Patrick's sister being the so-called virgin, it would be Phoebe. Only to find out that she really isn't a virgin (what a slut), which is where Patrick's sister would come in.

Patrick's Sister: Shannyn Sossamon


For no other reason that I'm head over heels in love with Shannyn Sossamon. As far as her character, she'd still have to be a virgin just like in the original, except she'd REALLY have to be a virgin so that she can come in at the last second and save the day. Now, how could we pull off someone as incredibly sexy as Shannyn being a so-called virgin while having some believability behind it? Simple. We'd just make her a nun. Super religious chick, joined a convent when she was old enough to, and she comes out of the convent to help her brother and his friends battle the evil monsters by reading Van Helsing's diary and using it to defeat Dracula. I can also picture Shannyn in a nun's habit doing the one-handed shotgun pump before blowing one of the monsters away (most likely Gillman). Nuns with shotguns.

Eugene: Kodi Smit-McPhee

The weird kid from THE ROAD and LET ME IN. In this remake, he'd be Sean and Phoebe's little brother so that he's not just some random little kid who hangs out with a bunch of older dudes who more than likely partake in some ganja-smokin'. He'd also be the character who develops a friendship with the Frankenstein Monster as opposed to Phoebe. Instead of Horace being bullied for his weight, it would be Eugene for being a loner and a runt. That's where Rudy would come in, and Eugene would use him to get in with his older brother and friends. Eugene would also be the one who the "good guys" would ultimately have to rescue from the monsters at some point. Can you tell I put way too much thought into this?

Dracula: David Bowie

If you know me well enough, you're probably wondering why I wouldn't have picked Mike Patton to play Dracula since he's my favorite singer. The truth is, I honestly can't see him pulling it off, even in a fake movie that exists only in my head. Anyone who has seen FIRECRACKER knows he's not the best actor in the world. Bowie, on the other hand, isn't just a good actor, but a damn fine singer as well. A favorite of mine. He'd also make an interesting Dracula. In this version, he wouldn't look like your typical Bela Lugosi type of Dracula, though. He'd be a hybrid of the traditional Count Dracula and the Goblin King from LABYRINTH. Instead of a bat, he'd turn into an owl. And he'd do a really sassy musical number.

Wolfman: Glenn Danzig


I think Danzig would make a great Wolfman because he's short (I don't know why, but the image I have in my head of the Wolfman is that of a tiny, but angry, monster), he would probably look pretty cool in the wolf makeup, he would no doubt contribute some great Goth Metal tunes to the soundtrack, and, most importantly, He Is The Wolf. I might be a little biased since the Misfits are one of my favorite bands of all time. I'd just have to hire extra security to make sure none of the North Side Kings were around the set. We don't want any incidents.

Frankenstein Monster: Vortex

Who? No, not Vortex the awesome heavy metal band, but Vortex the former bass player and co-vocalist of the "Black Metal" band Dimmu Borgir. Why, of all people, would I cast some random ex-bass player of a mainstream Black Metal band as the Frankenstein Monster? Well, for one, the dude is almost seven feet tall. And he can actually sing. Plus, he's from Norwegia or Scandinavia or some random European country where a lot of Black Metal bands are from (and no doubt live isolated in the mountains like misanthropes because they're too "Metal" for the rest of society), so he can add a little bit of European flavor to the bad guys.

The Mummy: Snoop Dogg

This was a no-brainer (get it?) because Snoop is super skinny and already has the build of a Mummy. All you gotta do is wrap him up in some bandages. Plus, the Mummy has that distinctive "Mummy walk", so maybe Snoop could just kinda do the pimp limp. He'd be a Hip Hop Mummy. A Mum-mizzle, my nizzle. There would be braids sticking out of the bandages on his head and he'd be constantly be surrounded by clouds of smoke. You'd never see him actually smoke any marijuana, though. That would be the whole inside joke.

Gillman: Michael Phelps

Who better to have play an aquatic humanoid creature than an Olympic gold medalist swimmer? In the original SQUAD, the Gillman didn't really do anything except throw a casket and get shot the fuck up by Horace. In my version, he'd be a lot more aggressive and, with Phelps playing him, he'd have some pretty kick-ass swimming skills. Imagine being in the water and having Michael Phelps in a Gillman costume swimming after you? You'd be fucked.

Scary German Guy: Werner Herzog

Hands down the easiest character to cast. Well, not easy to cast, but easy to come up with a list of choices for. I wish I could share all of the alternate choices I had for actors to play this role, and trust me it was hard to narrow it down to Werner Herzog despite how awesome he would be. In the end, though, I did go with Werner, just because he's actually German (well, "Austrian", but whatever) and he has a great voice. Can you just picture him trying to teach Phoebe to read Van Helsing's diary in German and constantly getting frustrated when she can't get it right? It would be hilarious. And then the ghost of Klaus Kinski would show up at some point and cuss Werner out while choking him.


Stay tuned for tomorrow will bring us my WEcast picks for, The Monster Squad!


  1. Awesome new feature! Hilarious read. Snoop as The Mummy? Why the hell not?

  2. I still haven't seen this entire movie, I will comment further when I have seen it.

  3. You haven't seen Monster Squad all the way through? WTF is wrong with you, Joe? Get out of my house!!!

  4. I just loved that Snoop obliged Martha's attemps at being hip. She knew what he was talking about.

    Voted for your wedding. Good Luck and Congratulations! When will ya'll find out?

  5. I bet they smoked up and did the dirty after the show!

    Thanks for voting! The daily voting goes on until this coming Sunday, so we will have an idea around that time!

  6. ANYTHING would be better with a dash of Danzig! Im loving the rock opera idea man, that would be a blast!


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