Sunday, November 28, 2010

The Horror Hangover


It's the long holiday weekend for many of you out there in internet land, and between one of the biggest drinking nights of the year, the overindulgence of Thanksgiving, the stress of Black Friday and now the weekend, you crazy bastards must be straight toast by now. Well, my dear readers, I am here to spread the buttery love that is only known as The Horror Hangover all over your fragile self, so please, lay flat and let me spread away.

It's a very short and easy (*insert mom joke here*) hangover for this fine afternoon as every movie I deemed worthy will be found over at AMC, so you really don't even have to move. Well, outside of maybe leaning your head over the edge of the couch for a good vomit, but that should be all. Starting things off - and in an odd coincidence wherein this hangover ties in with the most recent Freddy's Friday Night Dance Party – our first film of the day comes to us in the form of an unstoppable killing machine, The Terminator, which is making its nude appearance at 10:30.

If a sci fi version of a Slasher film isn't your bag, but you yearn for some Arnold in your day (and I mean, who doesn't need a little Arnold in their day?), then don't go too far as 1:00 gives us one of cinema's toughest action films ever created, Predator. Biceps, big-BIG guns, lots of sweat, great one-liners and a badass monster, and it's all right there for the taking.

You know what, though? Maybe you need a little more Predator in your day, and you could even go for a nice dose of Lethal Weapon. Well, go no further because AMC is showing Predator 2 at 3:30. While it goes without saying that I love The Terminator and Predator, many are divided on Predator 2. Some hate it, some enjoy it. Me, I have always found it to be a fun follow-up, and the urban setting is a pretty awesome one if you ask me. So there you have it.

That'll do it this time around. Hope you all have had a great holiday weekend and we'll see you next time!

Friday, November 26, 2010

Arnold's Friday Night Dance Party! Going Commando Edition!


Thanks to a holiday Thursday resulting in an odd day off from work, I'm sowing up to the party a little late tonight due to a complete lack of, well, memory. Yeah, I forgot, but that's what happens when you play Man vs Food: Home Edition three times in a day with the stereotypical American Thanksgiving meal. It tends to take a little out of ya. Either way, what matters is I'm here now, and with me I have brought some serious gold to share with you all.

I actually saw this video posted on someone's Facebook fairly recently, and I instantly knew that I had to use it here, on Freddy's Friday Night Dance Party, at some point. As the video's title would suggest, it's a musical version of one of my favorite action films of all time, Arnold Schwarzenegger's Commando! Why don't I stop with the yapping already and let you enjoy the greatness that is, Jenny and Me.


The Apocalypse is upon us. Well, for anyone working in retail, that is.


It's Black Friday…do you know where the sales are?

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Turkey is for Jive asses

Cook uncovered at 350° for 2 and a half-to-3 hours or until the internal temperature reaches 160°. Let stand for 20 minutes before serving, carve, plate and enjoy! I like mine with gravy.


Happy Thanksgiving from, Chuck Norris Ate My Baby.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Break: Your Yourself, Fool!


It is nearly impossible to tell what you're going to get with any micro-budgeted horror film. I have always been a supporter and fan of independent movies in general, especially minimal ones where there are essentially nothing but odds stacked against the filmmakers. Most of the time if someone is making a movie for, say, two thousand dollars, they're making some schlepy zombie film, blowing their load on still bad special effects, essentially making a film for themselves and buddies to laugh at. There was a time when I enjoyed that but not so much nowadays, as it does get a little old. When a fellow blogger, B-Movie Becky of The Horror Effect, posted that she had been working on a horror film with her husband, I jumped at the chance to take a look at the movie and give it a review. But as I said, it was impossible to know what I was getting into beforehand.


Break was made for only two thousand bucks and shot over two weeks time with a lengthy editing process that was wedged in between work and school for co-creators Becky and Nick Sayers. The story starts out simple enough, focusing on a group of kinda-sorta teens heading out to some random secluded house for a bit of the usual debauchery. After a whole lot of wild partying, things start to go down a very strange road for the friends as everything feels a little off about the location and each of the characters start to suffer from violent visions that appear all too real as they are happening. These visions, as well as the environment, have an adverse effect on the group, and soon their friendships are turned into mistrust, and arguments form into something much worse than the usually friendly spat.

While this is all going on, there is a side story involving a young man that has taken a girl hostage and is keeping her tied up in his apartment. The connection to the other set of characters is that the victim is actually dating one of the guys in the group, but besides that, their connection to the story is ambiguous, at first. There is, however, a tie to the story as a whole that treads into spoiler territory, but I will say that in the big scheme of things, there is a lot more going on for all the characters in Break than any one of them could imagine, and their connection serves a major role in how things are to unfold in the conclusion.

break (7)

break (8)

How Break starts out and ends as a story, is how it starts and ends as a film in many ways. I wasn't expecting much, to be honest, and how could I with such a meekly budgeted movie. Things jump off in such a way that did not surprise me story wise. Friends hanging out, getting blasted and, even before anything happens, you know that eventually something bad is going to happen to the group. You know…like a masked maniac hacking them to pieces or a two-zombie zombie attack of some sort. With that came a movie that was technically rough around the edges early on, which is to be expected, but as the film moved forward, the technical aspects began to become more competent and a sense of individual style would form. This would also be the case with the story line, which went in a direction that is interesting, bold and quite surprising for a film of such low production cost.

Now, I won't say that Break is without its issues, because it isn't, but these are mostly the types of issues that are due to money and inexperience. Overall, the acting isn't awful for this type of film, but it is obvious that most of the actors are far from professional. With that comes the dialogue, which is standard and nothing too original, and money doesn't necessarily buy good dialogue, but on the flip side, it's not like Johnny Depp was delivering the lines either. Still, a few lines were all too familiar and felt somewhat standard in a way. There are also some scenes with sound issues and messy editing more towards the film's front half, but that seemed to be less of a problem as the movie went along.     

One thing I do when watching a no-budget horror film, is I like to look for what was done right. Was there any sort of talent shown or a hint of competency from the filmmakers? Surprisingly, there was, and while it's nothing ground breaking, Break has, as I alluded to earlier, a lot style for such a small movie, and the style is handled quite well. It's virtually impossible to hide incompetence in a movie with a budget this low, and most of the editing, the camera movement and the angles used came together cohesively and felt far from completely amateurish. I wouldn't go as far as to say that the style is nothing I have never seen before, with what appears to be influences from Rob Zombie and a splash of Argento with the use of multicolored lighting gels (which isn't a bad thing, mind you), but it was certainly unexpected and really surprised me.



What I took from Break is the film could definitely be better if there were more time and money, and that's obviously not the case with ultra-indie horror cinema. My complaints are minimal, but I see a movie that does a whole lot for what the filmmakers were granted, and I saw a sense of growth from where the film started, to where it finished. Growth is clearly an important thing when creating anything artistic, and now moving forward, the Sayers have something under their belt that works as a true learning experience and is something that can only lead to stronger movies down the road. But for right now, Break is solid first feature and certainly worth a look for anyone that enjoys low-budget independent horror.  

*If you want to learn more about Break, check out the official blog for all news, production history and anything else you may be curious about*

Sunday, November 21, 2010

The Horror Hangover


Hey-hey, hangers! It's another Sunday, so I suppose it's time for the freshest edition of, The Horror Hangover. Brought to you by: The impending doom that is Christmas shopping and the alcoholic binge we will all have to go on to deal with all that shit, and Under Armor. It's not the bulkiest of Hangovers, but it will do with a few films of that are of extreme quality and a few that might lack said quality.  

We can set our first destination to AMC, where they have a nice little Alien marathon starting at 9:00 with the original Alien, followed by Aliens at 11:30 and rounding out the xenomorphic day is Alien 3 at 2:30. I mean, that's really a decent way to spend your afternoon, and I think the Alien sequels especially make for great hangover food.


Now, we can all join hands and head on over to SyFy for the last few films on today's "short stacked" hangover. Starting us off is a film featuring a little man with a heart of gold, and that would be Leprechaun 3, which is showing at 11:00. You gotta love the Leprechaun films for what they are…fun, fun and filled with lots of puns. Also, this third entry is directed by Brian Trenchard-Smith, so you know that it will have something to enjoy. Whether or not it's actually good is another matter.

Last movie for the day is the obnoxiously titled, Wes Craven Presents Dracula III: Legacy, which is making it's way onto TV screens across America at 1:00. I have seen the first two Dracula 2000 set of films, and they were okay enough, I suppose. Who knows what is in store with this one, but I am sure someone out there has an answer for me.

That's all for this episode of, The Horror Hangover. Until next time!

Friday, November 19, 2010

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

WEcast: The Monster Squad Part II


Picking up right where we left off yesterday with Aaron's awesome Rock Opera inspired picks for The Monster Squad, here are my immature choices for your reading pleasure.

Matt's Squad

Sean: Me

Wait, what? What do I mean, me? Well, there are two pretty good reasons for this. First off, Sean was a tough character to recast for some reason. For a second I thought about going with Stephen Dorff, but then I realized that he was too tubby when he was a kid. Though, he is about the right height to play the part now, but whatever, what it really comes down to is Sean is the leader of The Monster Squad, and all I ever wanted (and still want) was to be in and lead The Monster Squad. Simple enough. Plus, Sean was a cool cat and had that rad Stephen King Rules tee-shirt, so if I were to play the role, I would be and have both of those things too.  

Patrick: Maria Menounos


Patrick is a boy, I know, but if I'm playing Sean, then my best friend is going to be a girl, not some lame kid wearing Ocean Pacific. Patrick will now be known as Patricia, and my reason for making this best-bud sex-swap is due to the fact that Maria Mentos is wicked hot, and if there were even the slightest chance that we could spend some quality alone time in that sick ass tree house together, without any interruptions form Phoebe the Phoeb, magic could certainly happen between the two of us. Plus, Menudo is a big fan of all Boston sports, something that makes her an easy no-brainer for a best bud.    

Horace/Fat Kid: Diane from MTV's Fat Camp

So far I'm doing a terrible job of naming actual actors, and you probably have no clue who the hell Diane from MTV's Fat Camp is, but if you do, then you love this pick! Well, at least I do. Anyways, Horace was always just a poor fat-man's Chunk. Even with one of horror cinema's most recognizable and loved lines of dialogue, Horace is pretty annoying. On the other hand, Diane is also annoying, but she is just as entertaining as she is obnoxious, therefor, she makes the cold cut to play the chunky one. The only issue with this pick, however, is Diane is not allowed in the tree house until she takes a freaking shower.    

Rudy: William Smith


Besides Sean, Rudy is the coolest dude in the Squad, and while it was tempting to play duel roles, I figured I should give someone else a chance to play the legendary badass. And what better way than to bring his badassness up to a whole other level by casting the great William Smith. Bodybuilder, military man, stunt man, Marlboro Man and, most importantly, one hell of a tough guy actor. William Smith will bring the Squad a sense of respect that they deserve. Imagine Diane as Fat Kid getting picked on in the school yard for not showering, only to have Smith role up (not peddle up) on his chopper? Kevin's brother would be eating that candy bar alright, but through his ass, not his mouth.

Eugene: David Faustino

Eugene, what a waste of space that kid is. Not cute enough to attract the Phoebe crowd, and not cool enough to smoke butts with Rudy, Eugene is lames McPlains. Now, Eugene was played by one Michael Faustino, who is the brother of my pick, David Faustino, a person that has brought more joy to my life as Bud Bundy than the little Eugene twerp ever could. Also, Bud is only like 19" tall, so he could make for a perfect Eugene. I just hope he brings Kelly up to the club house once in a while.

Phoebe the Phoeb: Keshia Knight Pulliam


It would seem odd picking a black girl to play the role of daughter and sister to a white family, but I think we are all well aware of the rift between Sean's parents. Emily hates that Del is out late working his dangerous job as a cop, leaving her at home to worry about him night after night. Very few people know that this has always been a problem, and on Emily's 32nd birthday, Del was called out from their night on the town to handle a shooting at a near by Dairy Queen, leaving Emily all alone and hammered. Well, alone if you're not counting the shoulder that Emily had to cry on. A shoulder belonging to that of a man named Sapir, who would also later become a cop as well as Del's partner, just so he could stay close to his only child, Phoebe the Phoeb.

Scary German Guy: Christoph Waltz

My pick for Scary German Guy came to me pretty easily. Who in recent memory played a scarier German better than Waltz? What makes this new and improved Scary German Guy a perfect fit is his incredibly outgoing personality, which mixed in with his kick-ass pipe, penchant for cold blooded murder and the fact that he is actually scary, only makes him the perfect fit. Also, the original Scary German Guy was quite fond of delectable desserts as we saw with his quick on the draw production of pie for the Squad. This is something that already comes naturally to the updated SGG with his taste for Strudel with a nice dab of fluffy cream. 

Patricia's Sister: Traci Lords


Patricia's sister has to be attractive and Traci Lords has no problem with fitting that bill, but the real reason for my choice is just how ironic it would be. And we all know irony always equals funny, right? Traci Lords as a virgin, I mean, we all know that was only true for a very short amount of time, except, in this new version of The Monster Squad, she actually would be a virgin. How crazy! Now, you might be saying to yourself, if she is a virgin, then that would make a huge impact on the film's ending, right? Nope, because in this version, Patricia's sister is a mute, therefor, she cannot recite the incantations to open the vortex necessary to save the day from the monsters. Bummer.

Count Dracula: Gilbert Gottfried

Most people find Gilbert Gottfried to be annoying, something I can understand, I suppose, but in my narrow minded opinion, I think the man is pure comedy gold. In The Monster Squad, Dracula is the one in charge, the leader, the dude that doesn't play no reindeer games with them punk ass kids (the original punk ass kids, not my new squad, mind you). With Gilbert stepping in, that would add a touch of much needed humor to the character. And he wouldn't even have to try…it would just come naturally. Also, Gottfried is a huge classic horror movie fan and does a spot on (and hysterical) Dracula imitation. He was born for this.

Wolf Man: Fabio

Adding a little sex appeal - outside of the sex appeal that my character brings to the screen, of course - Fabio taking on the role of the Wolf Man works in so many ways. Besides bringing in the middle age female crowd, Fabio could actually play both parts without any make-up whatsoever. As the tortured man, Fabs would simply just wear his hair up in a ponytail. However, when the bad moon rises, that is when his hair is let loose, falling freely all over his body glistening through a suddenly ripped open shirt, leaving him a beast that can only be tamed by women that collect Tupperware.  

Frankenstein's Monster: Dikembe Mutombo

This one is pretty easy. I went with a tall dude, but more specifically, I went with a tall dude with a crazy deep and completely frightening voice. No need to doctor his vocals up in post, Dikembe naturally brought that shit like he ate glass covered raisins dipped in razor wire and coated in popcorn kernels.

Gillman: Renée Zellweger

If there's anyone as useless as the Gillman, it's Renée Zellweger. The Gillman served no purpose outside of getting blasted by fat kid in The Monster Squad. It's almost as if you didn't even need him around. Same can be said for Zellweger and her sleep inducing career, an actress that I feel we really don't need around, yet, she's still there with that weird Z'Darish looking face of hers looking back at us. I mean, can she look any more frightening than she has in the last few years? Didn't people try and claim that she was attractive at one point? Those people must have been Gillmen. It's the only explanation.

Mummy: John Waters


He has the stature, the perfect build and just the right amount of decay, but you'll never find my choice for the Mummy hiding in any closet at any point. Instead of bandages, I imagine Waters as the mummy would be covered in tacky ties, wearing a pair of sunglasses and still having that pencil-thin mustache, even with out his upper lip. And of course he would entertain all the other monsters with witty and flamboyant anecdotes about his old trashy Hollywood friends. He could give Dracula a hard time about his drab attire, telling him that he really needs to incorporate some plaid or a little paisley in his wardrobe. It would truly be fabulous.


That's all she wrote, folks. Hope you enjoyed both Aaron's list as well as mine. Make sure to stop by The Death Rattle at least once a day, and while you're at it, check out The Gentlemen's Blog to Midnite Cinema!

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

WEcast: The Monster Squad Part I


I'll keep this snappy as to not bore you with details, but what I have here in this post is the formation of thunder and lightning coming together to create a storm of epic proportions. The thunder would come in the form of Aaron from The Death Rattle, and the lightning would of course be me, the guy that writes the kind of crap you're reading right now. More importantly, the storm that has been mustered up by our length and girth coming together (what?) is in the form of WEcast, which is essentially Aaron and I each recasting a specific film however we best see fit. That specific film would happen to be a movie that is held near and dear to horror fans across the universe, a little movie known as, The Monster Squad. Any questions? Well, lets get going then…

We'll start things off with Aaron's picks for his "Rock Opera" version of, The Monster Squad!

Aaron's Squad

Sean: Justin Long

Not a big fan of Justin Long but he doesn't get on my nerves as much as he does other people's. Sometimes he's funny and yes, sometimes he's annoying, but for the most part I don't really mind him. I'd have him play Sean because he strikes me as someone who has nerdy qualities about him but can still be a leader. He wouldn't be the stereotypical strong hero either, but rather one who acts like a total bitch while under pressure and makes mistakes while providing some comic relief without going too overboard.

Patrick: Giuseppe Andrews

Giuseppe Andrews

I'm a big fan of Giuseppe, but I'd cast him for the simple fact that he really needs to be in more movies and in bigger roles. I had a few people in mind for this role, but when it came down to it, Giuseppe was the guy. His Deputy Winston character from the CABIN FEVER movies is hilarious and I think he'd make the perfect sidekick to Sean in this film. I can see him and Justin Long having good chemistry together. I originally had Giuseppe playing Sean with Harmony Korine playing Patrick, but that would have been way too creepy.

Horace: Andy Milonakis

Not a fan of Andy Milonakis, but I couldn't really think of a lot of overweight actors out there who don't completely get on my nerves. The Jonas dude from SUPERBAD? Ugh. Seth Rogan? No thanks. Plus, Andy Milonakis is like thirty-something years old but looks like he's sixteen, so I think he would be a good fit into the cast of grown men who need to act and somewhat look younger than they really are.

Rudy: Jared Leto


Since my fucked-up version of the MONSTER SQUAD is a Rock Opera, we'd need someone to represent the good guys who can actually sing. It was either Leto or Kevin Bacon, so I obviously went with Leto. In the original, Rudy was the cool older kid who the rest of the characters looked up to, and Leto's a rockstar, so there you go. In this remake, he would be the singer of some shitty cover band and work at Home Depot. Not that there's anything wrong with working at Home Depot, but it would kinda keep his character a little more grounded to reality and not make him some bigshot rock singer (in a shitty cover band), and most importantly give him (and the rest of the guys) access to the material they need to make monster-destroying weapons. Besides, I have to admit that I am a fan of 30 Seconds To Mars, but don't tell anyone. I might lose my street cred.

Phoebe: Alexa Vega

To be honest, I don't know much about Alexa Vega, but I do know that she can sing, which would come in handy as far as creating some musical numbers for the good guys in this trainwreck of a Rock Opera. The only thing I've ever seen her in was REPO: THE GENETIC OPERA, and she did a pretty good job in it despite the movie being kinda stupid and way too overhyped (*cough*Bloody Disguting). She'd basically be the annoying teenage sister of Sean who develops a crush on the hunky Rudy and therefore tags along with the Monster Squad. And instead of Patrick's sister being the so-called virgin, it would be Phoebe. Only to find out that she really isn't a virgin (what a slut), which is where Patrick's sister would come in.

Patrick's Sister: Shannyn Sossamon


For no other reason that I'm head over heels in love with Shannyn Sossamon. As far as her character, she'd still have to be a virgin just like in the original, except she'd REALLY have to be a virgin so that she can come in at the last second and save the day. Now, how could we pull off someone as incredibly sexy as Shannyn being a so-called virgin while having some believability behind it? Simple. We'd just make her a nun. Super religious chick, joined a convent when she was old enough to, and she comes out of the convent to help her brother and his friends battle the evil monsters by reading Van Helsing's diary and using it to defeat Dracula. I can also picture Shannyn in a nun's habit doing the one-handed shotgun pump before blowing one of the monsters away (most likely Gillman). Nuns with shotguns.

Eugene: Kodi Smit-McPhee

The weird kid from THE ROAD and LET ME IN. In this remake, he'd be Sean and Phoebe's little brother so that he's not just some random little kid who hangs out with a bunch of older dudes who more than likely partake in some ganja-smokin'. He'd also be the character who develops a friendship with the Frankenstein Monster as opposed to Phoebe. Instead of Horace being bullied for his weight, it would be Eugene for being a loner and a runt. That's where Rudy would come in, and Eugene would use him to get in with his older brother and friends. Eugene would also be the one who the "good guys" would ultimately have to rescue from the monsters at some point. Can you tell I put way too much thought into this?

Dracula: David Bowie

If you know me well enough, you're probably wondering why I wouldn't have picked Mike Patton to play Dracula since he's my favorite singer. The truth is, I honestly can't see him pulling it off, even in a fake movie that exists only in my head. Anyone who has seen FIRECRACKER knows he's not the best actor in the world. Bowie, on the other hand, isn't just a good actor, but a damn fine singer as well. A favorite of mine. He'd also make an interesting Dracula. In this version, he wouldn't look like your typical Bela Lugosi type of Dracula, though. He'd be a hybrid of the traditional Count Dracula and the Goblin King from LABYRINTH. Instead of a bat, he'd turn into an owl. And he'd do a really sassy musical number.

Wolfman: Glenn Danzig


I think Danzig would make a great Wolfman because he's short (I don't know why, but the image I have in my head of the Wolfman is that of a tiny, but angry, monster), he would probably look pretty cool in the wolf makeup, he would no doubt contribute some great Goth Metal tunes to the soundtrack, and, most importantly, He Is The Wolf. I might be a little biased since the Misfits are one of my favorite bands of all time. I'd just have to hire extra security to make sure none of the North Side Kings were around the set. We don't want any incidents.

Frankenstein Monster: Vortex

Who? No, not Vortex the awesome heavy metal band, but Vortex the former bass player and co-vocalist of the "Black Metal" band Dimmu Borgir. Why, of all people, would I cast some random ex-bass player of a mainstream Black Metal band as the Frankenstein Monster? Well, for one, the dude is almost seven feet tall. And he can actually sing. Plus, he's from Norwegia or Scandinavia or some random European country where a lot of Black Metal bands are from (and no doubt live isolated in the mountains like misanthropes because they're too "Metal" for the rest of society), so he can add a little bit of European flavor to the bad guys.

The Mummy: Snoop Dogg

This was a no-brainer (get it?) because Snoop is super skinny and already has the build of a Mummy. All you gotta do is wrap him up in some bandages. Plus, the Mummy has that distinctive "Mummy walk", so maybe Snoop could just kinda do the pimp limp. He'd be a Hip Hop Mummy. A Mum-mizzle, my nizzle. There would be braids sticking out of the bandages on his head and he'd be constantly be surrounded by clouds of smoke. You'd never see him actually smoke any marijuana, though. That would be the whole inside joke.

Gillman: Michael Phelps

Who better to have play an aquatic humanoid creature than an Olympic gold medalist swimmer? In the original SQUAD, the Gillman didn't really do anything except throw a casket and get shot the fuck up by Horace. In my version, he'd be a lot more aggressive and, with Phelps playing him, he'd have some pretty kick-ass swimming skills. Imagine being in the water and having Michael Phelps in a Gillman costume swimming after you? You'd be fucked.

Scary German Guy: Werner Herzog

Hands down the easiest character to cast. Well, not easy to cast, but easy to come up with a list of choices for. I wish I could share all of the alternate choices I had for actors to play this role, and trust me it was hard to narrow it down to Werner Herzog despite how awesome he would be. In the end, though, I did go with Werner, just because he's actually German (well, "Austrian", but whatever) and he has a great voice. Can you just picture him trying to teach Phoebe to read Van Helsing's diary in German and constantly getting frustrated when she can't get it right? It would be hilarious. And then the ghost of Klaus Kinski would show up at some point and cuss Werner out while choking him.


Stay tuned for tomorrow will bring us my WEcast picks for, The Monster Squad!

Monday, November 15, 2010

Pandering is so tacky…


While I feel a little strange about whoring myself out on my own blog (as opposed to someone else's?), I will because it's for a very good reason. My lovely fiancé and I recently entered a wedding contest and magically made it into the top ten. Over the next two weeks, the five couples with the most votes will make it to the final round wherein the judges will decide the winner. We have a crazy good chance of winning if we were to make it to the final round but we still need to get there, and that is where YOU come in!  

Over the next two weeks people can vote for us, the couple on the sidebar to your right, once a day. There is a somewhat annoying registration thing, but once registered, it's no problem to vote everyday afterwards. Thanks to my pal Randy, I have a complete guide to registration made easy so it will save you the time of figuring it all out for yourself.        

"You have to register on the website, get a confirmation email (check spam too!) - and then go back and log in - THEN you can vote - by clicking ...on the little vote box under their name and going back up to the top of the form - inputting the straight from hell confirmation code - and then clicking vote. It will then say "Your vote has been added under all the photos". "

So there you go…I know it's a lot to ask, but it would really mean a whole lot to me and the lady that I make it with, and we would appreciate it more than anyone could ever imagine.

Here's a link to the contest with all the info, and thank you for being a friend. Travel down the road and back again. Your heart is true…okay, I'll stop now.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

The Hunky Action Hangover

Eh, it does have a nice ring to it but the only reason for this one time name change is the fact that the only two movies worth a damn on cable television today come in the form of hunky action stars in their respective hunky action roles. Hunky being subjective, I would assume, specifically with the first film on todays hangover, which comes to us in the form of the Sly Stallone actioner, Cliffhanger, playing on AMC at 10:00. I have never had the chance to catch up with Cliffhanger and for no other reason than I just haven't. I have, however, seen Oscar. In the theaters. I am slightly ashamed of all that I have confessed to today. Please, forgive me.

One film that I have seen, and many time, is our next and finale movie of this wicked short hangover, and that would be Road House, showing at 3:00 on VH1. Now, when you think action hunks, it get no hunkier - and more homoerotic - than one Pat Swayze in his ballet inspired martial arts prime. Mix that in with a little fatherly figure love from Sam Elliott, a monster truck, a handful of great barroom brawls, a hot blonde doctor and a whole lot of olive oil, and you have yourself the perfect movie to help with that vicious hangover.

That is all for today…until next time, my dear friend. Until next time.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Freddy's Friday Night Dance Party!: Holly Waits For No Man Edition!


In honor of the far too long awaited DVD release of Best Worst Movie, a documentary chronicling the enigma that is only known as Troll 2, I shall dedicate this dance party to one of my many favorite moments from the greatest of sequels. Very few can truly grasp what it means to be dope, but one person I know of does it like very few can even conceive of, and that would of course be the incredibly talented, Holly Waits. She's got the look, the moves, the sass and everything in-between to make her a true Freddy's Friday Night Dancing Queen. So without further ado, lets pop in that Memorex cassette tape and let Holly do what she does best, outside of bodybuilding and keeping boys at bay, of course.   

It's probably the quickest dance party of all time, but Holly's spoken word in the second half is something I liken to a form of freestyle rap, and when she spits, she spits venom. It's like Def Poetry Jam but with a fine ass white chick in a Garfield nightgown. Elliot Cooper, you have no clue what you're missing out on with this one. While you're off laying in bed with some dude you call "a friend," Holly is all alone, only to find the time to hone her "I'm one banging broad" skills with precision. Seriously, do you think that mirror reminisces every day about the moment that Holly stood in front of it? Like, I can totally imagine it gets really sad knowing that such a talent will never be displayed on it's reflective surface ever again. This one's to you, Holly Waits, for you bring it unlike no other, and for that, we thank you. 

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

2LDK: Catty-Shack


I've had a fair share of roommates in my life, and I believe that anyone that has ever lived with someone else (even good friends or family) knows it can be difficult to do at times, especially when your roommate and yourself are completely different from one another. 2002's 2LDK (which is Japanese apartment lingo for two bedrooms with a combined living room, dining room and kitchen area, not the name of some hot new boy-band. I know, too bad.) takes a very close look at Nozomi and Rana (Eiko Koike and Maho Nonami), two roommates who are from opposite ends of the Earth when it comes to personality, upbringing and how they carry themselves socially. 

2ldk10 Nozomi is a bit of a prissy little miss goody two shoes, while Rana is more of bad girl with a skankier edge to her. Both women have one thing in common, though, which is each of them 2ldk2are aspiring actresses, and the only reason they even live together in the first place is due to their agency putting them up for free in the same gorgeous apartment. While there is no mention as to how long they have lived together, it would seem as if it hasn't been very long, but it's been long enough for them to find those little annoyances with one another. Annoyances that can build up over time.


Early on it is learned that Nozomi and Rana are both vying for the same career changing part in a major movie, Yakuza Wives. Everything start off casually, with their conversation being  somewhat cordial on the surface, but what each girl is thinking is done so with a hysterically rude voice over so the audience can hear just what their thoughts actually are. Almost as if they are having a mental and verbal conversation. Even with the faux kind exterior, they speak to each other with this passive-aggressive tone making it obvious that they both dislike one another, they just refrain from saying it aloud. At first.

As the two females interact with one another, their discontent slowly bubbles to the surface throughout the span of the evening. Little conflicts arise, jabs are thrown, jealously begins 2ldk6to cut deeper - especially with both hoping to land the same film role – and the pleasant filter quickly begins to dissipate. Eventually, things start to spiral out of control as one little thing like 2ldk5used shampoo without asking turns into all out chaos over the scant 70-minute runtime. In this short amount of time, these two girls do to one another what many a roommate would 2ldk7love to do to their respective space sharer (and then some), or to any one that you cannot stand but are forced to deal with on a regular basis. I'll keep the details to myself as to not ruin any of the fun.

Directed by Yukihiko Tsutsumi, 2LDK is a part of the Duel Project, in which producer Shinya Kawai challenged both Tsutsumi and director Ryuhei Kitamura (whose respective half of the project is titled Aragami) to see who can direct a better feature length film using only one set, minimal characters and all of it being done within a week’s time. The common theme of both films: A battle (or Duel) to the death, naturally.


Now, this is an idea that can breed creativity in the face of difficulty, forcing established directors to use their imaginations to overcome the extreme limitations. This is a challenge that must be risen to for egotistical as well as personal artistic reasons, and Tsutsumi certainly does so with 2LDK. This film is the definition of entertainment, a film that skewers human dynamics, specifically those of incredibly sensitive and spiteful women (the BEST kind!), and it is done in a way that it is just simply hysterical at times. Much of  the interactions between Nozomi and Rana are funny because they are true. Well, true to a point, of course, as the film does2ldk go from 0-60 mph with 60 being somewhat over-the-top in true Japanese form. However, by that point in the movie, over-the-top is the only way to go.

2ldk9Both actresses are fantastic, playing off each other perfectly, almost like a demented version of Felix Ungar and Oscar Madison. They are forced to physically face one another in a slew of ways, and both handle it quite well, but the bread and butter is the lead up to the eruption of anarchy. Watching these two go at it in the snarkiest of ways is simply enjoyable. No matter how well made the film is, especially considering the limitations, it is the actresses and how their character's interact with each other - as well as the quirky but darkly spot on sense of humor - that make 2LDK one of the most enjoyable films I have seen in a while.

Monday, November 8, 2010

The Mystery Of Cropsey Solved At the All New Paracinema?!


Well, that may be a bit of a stretch but there is an all new Paracinema website that can be found, and I do  have a review of the true crime documentary, Cropsey, posted there, so that's close enough I suppose. Make sure to stop by and read my review, but also make sure to take in all the glory of this fine new site where you will be spending your nights and weekends taking in all the cinematic magic that will be showered upon you!

Check out the new Paracinema hotness here!

Check out the Cropsey review hotness here!

Sunday, November 7, 2010

The Horror Hangover


Holy hangover, Batman, it's The Horror Hangover. Sorry, that's a lame ass way to start off a post. You deserve better than that. You deserve better because it is you that suffers from the horrors you have put your body through in the past 24 hours. It's not even so much you that has caused this as much as it is the disturbing amount of alcohol that made its way down your throat, the 3 packs of Parliament Ultras that you smoked and the dirty person you poked afterwards. It happens. So let's start over again…My name is Matt, and I would like you to take a load off after your rough evening and enjoy, The Horror Hangover. Presented by Stayfree.  

We'll kick this bitch off over at SyFy for a triple thrash threat of incredible special effects and story lines, starting at 11:00 with Cyclops, a film about a Cyclops. Following Cyclops, SyFy spins a web of mystery and suspense with Ice Spiders at 1:00. I've seen Ice Spiders and it is terrible, sure, but it's also pretty fun, so in the pantheon of SyFy films, Ice Spiders is a go in my book. Keeping with the mutated animal theme, SyFy shows a movie that I actually have been wanting to see for some time now (I'm serious), and that's Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus at 3:00.


Speaking of sharks, AMC is showing Deep Blue Sea at 3:30. Now, I hate and have a Deep (blue) SEAded fear of sharks. Like, it's really bad. However, I love Deep Blue Sea and think it's simply a fun giant monster movie made in the truest of B-Movie fashions. Even though I have seen it quite a few times, I am still such a pus about sharks that I shudder at the idea of watching the movie and seeing one of those disgusting assholes open their mouth. So it's all you.

Ending the day, we head over to TNT for a back-to-back does of Tarantino's Kill Bill films, starting at 3:00 with Kill Bill: Vol. 1, with Vol. 2 immediately afterwards at 5:15. Funny enough, as I am writing this, Vol. 2 is on TNT, and I just watched the trailer fight scene between The Bride and Elle Driver. I couldn't resist. Love both the Kill Bill films, especially the first one, so my recommendation is a no-brainer. If you don't have time to watch the films, take a minute and watch the whole bloody affair below.   

Friday, November 5, 2010

Freddy's Friday Night Dance Party!: Dutch Oven Edition!


You know, I have done more than my fair share of dance parties in my time here at Chuck Norris Ate My Baby, and rarely have I found myself speechless due to a video. I can almost always drum up something snarky or semi-witty to say about whatever disaster-piece that crosses my path. Then along came Vortex, a Dutch metal band that came jumping from out of nowhere, studded leather and all, right into my life and my heart. Like I said, I'm speechless, so why don't I stop yapping and let the lords of metal take over this show…  


I can probably just retire from throwing Freddy's Friday Night Dance Party and simply repost this video every week. I mean, where do I go from here? What's going to trump this one? Nothing. Nothing trumps a dude with fangs that's wearing a cape, a studded headband and who sings beautifully into a fucking tibia. Or at least I think that's a tibia, but you know, I ain't no doctor, so what do I know about anything that isn't hot beat related. This shit is like the metal equivalent of Jan Terri, only with slightly higher production values and better hair. It's incredible and also quite riveting, and I would like to thank Vortex for Opening the Gate in the name of metal, with metal. If they didn't do it, who would? 

Monday, November 1, 2010

The Party's Over


Well, for this year that is. I hope everyone had a fun Halloween out there in the internet. I had one of the better ones I've had in quite some time. Last year was a bit of a bust, but this year I got my fill of tricks and treats to make me more than happy. There wasn't much to do in terms of haunted house and things of that nature, unfortunately, but as opposed to last year, we did make it to a pretty great haunted trail which proved to be a good time. It doesn't take much to make me happy when it comes to that kind of stuff to be honest.

trickortreatSomething else we missed out on last year was trick or treating, due to the fact that they did it on a day that wasn't Halloween (like seriously?). This year they thankfully did, and we were ready with candy treats for the massive amount of kids that came by our place. We must have had like 50 some odd ghouls and ghouletts come by, and there is nothing better than seeing their reaction to my special doormat that makes spooky sounds when stepped on. Shit was priceless. Even if they were trick or treating in the day time, it still was a wonderful sight to see so many kids out there doing their thing. It certainly was a highlight of my day.

This also turned out to be a year where I actually came up with a costume, something I usually put off until the last minute, in which I end up just throwing some latex on my face making myself into a quick, but always decent looking, zombie, or wearing my Michael Myers' jumpsuit with a creepy rapist mask of some sort. This year as my main squeeze and I were trying to come up with ideas while at the costume shop, we stumbled upon a wig that basically made our decision as to what we would go as this year.


Yeah, we started off as Slash and Axl but, by the end of the evening, turned into drunk and hammered, which is kind of fitting. It happens, especially when you're barhopping on a school bus filled with forty or so party animals. It led to a supremely hungover Halloween day, but it was totally worth it.

What really topped the Halloween season off was certainly the series premier of The Walking Dead. I mean, wow. Much better than I could have hoped for, and outside of some CGI blood (which I can certainly overlook in the big scheme), the show is off to a wonderful start, and I cannot believe the amazing zombie make-up (but I guess can with Nicotero involved), as well as the amount of violence that is shown. Kudos is in order for AMC and everyone involved, and I can only imagine how great this show will be as we become immersed in the lives of the characters surviving the apocalypse. A fucking plus.   


With Halloween passing on by comes the end of Chucktober. It was a busy but fun month here at CNAMB and as it turns out, it was the busiest month by far the blog has ever seen as far as traffic goes, so that is very awesome that people were stopping by and checking out the crap I have to say. It'll be nice to be able to get back to something a little more normal, and I do have a handful of films that I wanted to review for this month that I simply just didn't have time to in October. Now I can finally get to them before my memory fades as to what I liked or disliked about them. I will try and hit up a few different genres, especially after being all horror all the time, I need to break things up a bit.

So yeah, this has turned out to be a solid season of the witch, and I hope the same went for all of you out there. Thanks to everyone that stopped by and made Chucktober a part of their day, and now I'm off to start putting away the decorations until next year.

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